Sarcastic Humor Quotes

Want some help with help with that stick in your ass, love?"
"No. It's quite comfortable, thank you."
"It should be. It's been in there for years." Nix winked at Will. "I hope you'll forgive my wife. She's a bit antisocial."
"And water's a bit wet. ~ S.W. Vaughn

The Healing spells on his chest were certainly earning their keep tonight. Sullivan got to his feet. The lack of noise from the courtyard indicated that his team had gotten all the mechanical men. "Thanks."

Toru just grunted a noncommittal response as he lifted the feed tray to check the condition of his borrowed machine gun. They didn't see the final robot inside until it turned on its eye and illuminated the Iron Guard in blue light.

Sullivan's Spike reversed gravity, and the gigantic machine fell upward to hit the steel beams in the ceiling. Sullivan cut his Power and the robot dropped. It crashed hard into the floor where it lay twitching and kicking. The two of them riddled the mechanical man with bullets until the light died and it lay still in a spreading puddle of oil.

"Normally, this would be the part where you thank me for returning the favor and saving your life."

"Yes. Normally… If we were court ladies instead of warriors," Toru answered. "Shall we continue onward or do you wish to stop and discuss your feelings over tea?"

Sullivan looked forward to the day that the two of them would be able to finish their fight. "Let's go. ~ Larry Correia

Give the wilding an axe, why not?" He pointed out Mormont's weapon, a short-hafted battle-axe with gold scrollwork inlaid on the black steel blade. "He'll give it back, I vow. Buried in the Old Bear's skull, like as not. why not give him all our axes, and our swords as well? I mislike the way the clank and rattle as we ride. We'd travel faster without them, straight to hell's door. Does it rain in hell, I wonder? Perhaps Craster would like a nice hat instead."
Jon smiled. "He wants an axe. And wine as well."
"See, the Old Bear's clever. If we get the wildling well and truly drunk, perhaps he'll only cut off an ear when he tries to slay us with that axe. I have two ears but only one head. ~ George R R Martin

140characters is twitter's simple way of saying 'know your limits ~ Prajakta Mhadnak

I feel your scorn, and I accept it. ~ Jon Stewart

What is it with people wanting to kill me lately? I'm starting to take it personally. ~ Heather R. Blair

I wanted a real diary, but there wasn't time to visit a stationery store, so instead I ran down to Thrift Drug and got you. According to your cover, you're an 'Official Popeye the Sailor Spiral-Bound Notebook, copyright © 1959 King Features Syndicate.' When I look into your wizened face, Popeye, I know you're a man I can trust. ~ James K. Morrow

Son, my dad said, every man needs a bitter, resentful woman in his life. Because there's nothing more touching to a mother's heart than to know that her son thinks of her constantly. ~ David C. Holley

You're going on a date with the devil. All you need is some pepper spray and a fire extinguisher. ~ Krista Ritchie

Ove looks at the group assembled around him, as if he's been kidnapped and taken to a parallel universe. For a moment he thinks about swerving off the road, until he realises that the worst case scenario would be that they all accompanied him into the afterlife. ~ Fredrik Backman

Every woman is beautiful, but not every woman has someone to tell her that. ~ Ljupka Cvetanova

In the battle of DNAs, your DNA will always win against the DNA of your father. ~ Prashant Yadav

Hooray for me, I'm so very lucky. Not only do I have the biggest piece of cake, it's a corner piece with a sugar-paste flower on top, and everyone else is sick with envy. ~ Lisa Kleypas

As I finished my rice, I sketched out the plot of a pornographic adventure film called The Massage Room. Sirien, a young girl from northern Thailand, falls hopelessly in love with Bob, an American student who winds up in the massage parlor by accident, dragged there by his buddies after a fatefully boozy evening. Bob doesn't touch her, he's happy just to look at her with his lovely, pale-blue eyes and tell her about his hometown - in North Carolina, or somewhere like that. They see each other several more times, whenever Sirien isn't working, but, sadly, Bob must leave to finish his senior year at Yale. Ellipsis. Sirien waits expectantly while continuing to satisfy the needs of her numerous clients. Though pure at heart, she fervently jerks off and sucks paunchy, mustached Frenchmen (supporting role for Gerard Jugnot), corpulent, bald Germans (supporting role for some German actor). Finally, Bob returns and tries to free her from her hell - but the Chinese mafia doesn't see things in quite the same light. Bob persuades the American ambassador and the president of some humanitarian organization opposed to the exploitation of young girls to intervene (supporting role for Jane Fonda). What with the Chinese mafia (hint at the Triads) and the collusion of Thai generals (political angle, appeal to democratic values), there would be a lot of fight scenes and chase sequences through the streets of Bangkok. At the end of the day, Bob carries her off. But in the penultimate scene, Siri ~ Michel Houellebecq

I was debating on jumping and ending my despair over losing my best friend, but I decided to call you instead. ~ Holly Hood

You're starting to sound like one of those songs that DJ's play when they wanna clear out the dancefloor. ~ Alex Bergauer

It's like a jolt of electricity, but worse. ~ Lee Davidson

Oh, well, you go to poor school." He gives a comic eye roll. "At rich school, we take notes on hundred-dollar bills using unicorn tears, and our grief is vastly different and more complex. ~ Delilah S. Dawson

Does this mean we can eat pie today?" Easton asked. Riley let out a snorting laugh. "I know someone who will be." Nice. ~ Erin McCarthy

Just because it looks like a leprechaun and talks like a leprechaun, it doesn't mean it can't act like the little fucking demon it is. ~ N.L. Gervasio

I know, 0 Caesar, that thou art awaiting my arrival with impatience, that thy true heart of a friend is yearning day and night for me. I know that thou art ready to cover me with gifts, make me prefect of the pretorian guards, and command Tigellinus to be that which the gods made him, a mule-driver in those lands which thou didst inherit after poisoning Domitius. Pardon me, however, for I swear to thee by Hades, and by the shades of thy mother, thy wife, thy brother, and Seneca, that I cannot go to thee. Life is a great treasure. I have taken the most precious jewels from that treasure, but in life there are many things which I cannot endure any longer. Do not suppose, I pray, that I am offended because thou didst kill thy mother, thy wife, and thy brother; that thou didst burn Eome and send to Erebus all the honest men in thy dominions. No, grandson of Chronos. Death is the inheritance of man; from thee other deeds could not have been expected. But to destroy one's ear for whole years with thy poetry, to see thy belly of a Domitius on slim legs whirled about in a Pyrrhic dance; to hear thy music, thy declamation, thy doggerel verses, wretched poet of the suburbs, - is a thing surpassing my power, and it has roused in me the wish to die. Eome stuffs its ears when it hears thee; the world reviles thee. I can blush for thee no longer, and I have no wish to do so. The howls of Cerberus, though resembling thy music, will be less offensive to me, for I have never been the friend ~ Henryk Sienkiewicz

Unsettling, like seeing Stalin on a skateboard. ~ David Nicholls

She bared her teeth at me. "Screw you, shifter!"
"Ah, is our honeymoon period over so quickly? You wanted to jump my bones just a second ago. ~ Cori Moore

Italian to the core, he did not for an instant doubt that a man could be passionately devoted to the wife he betrayed with other women. ~ Donna Leon

Mr. Sand, do you think it's possible to fall in love in the space of a single day?"
He smiled. "I wouldn't know. I only fall in love at night. Never lasts beyond breakfast, though. ~ Tessa Dare

Sadists are strangely the smartest, because they know best how to represent selfishness as socialism. ~ Subhralin Thakuria

No one plows the field just by thinking about it. ~ Ljupka Cvetanova

Monsignor Montan-n-nelli... is undoubtedly all you say, my dear doctor. In fact, he appears to be so much too good for this world that he ought to be politely escorted into the next. ~ Ethel Lilian Voynich

A full glass of patience with a pinch of sarcasm is all you need to deal~ ~ Tanya Gambhir

The jury returned with a verdict of "Don't ask me, I wasn't there," and was excused. ~ Brian Spellman

Doubt you'd find anyone as dashingly charming as me ~ Veronica Purcell

I don't spend money on books. I write them myself. ~ Ljupka Cvetanova

I paused for a moment, debating whether to turn and look what was happening. My senses told me Obo's presence was still at my side, and turning my face into the barrel of a gun seemed like an ill-advised way to cap off this day of monumentally stupid decisions. ~ M.A. George

Ah yes…" He made an exaggerated nod. "I was supposed to be filling you in on Nangí's story." He winked at me playfully, as I kept up my glare. "Now, where should I begin?"

"Tell you what, let me get you started," I came back. "Once upon a time, there was this über-creepy old man - who looks like he lives in a haunted shack and eats small children for breakfast - and I decided to make him my new best friend becaaauuse… Okay, your turn. ~ M.A. George

Jaime, dear, forgive me, but I don't think you are man enough to take care of my Cass. She's a special kind of difficult. ~ Mercy Celeste

You're one of those people who fall off a tree and never quite reach the ground. ~ Carlos Ruiz Zafon

I wish I could say I'm low maintenance, but I like some of the finer things in life ... like a toothbrush. ~ M.A. George

You get a kick out of shocking the pants off me, don't you?" I shook my head with a smirk.

He just shrugged with a playful smile, his eyes momentarily flitting toward my pants before returning to meet my gaze.

"It's an expression," I rolled my eyes. "Don't tell me you aren't familiar with it, Mr. Smarty Pants."

"You have quite a repertoire of 'pants' references, don't you? ~ M.A. George

But you know as well as I do that anger won't solve anything."
"I beg to differ," he shrugged. "Anger can be quite rewarding ... at least for those of us who have the option of blasting our enemies to oblivion. ~ M.A. George

Every single person I've seen in the past few days asks me about the Leg.
How is it?
How's the Leg?
The Leg is attached. Thanks for asking. There's The Leg right there. It's on display, always outside of the sheets and blanket, although the whole thing is still so wrapped up it looks like I borrowed The Leg from some ancient Egyptian mummy.
How's The Leg?
It seems a bit mummyish, thanks. ~ Michael Grant

Because I'm a glutton for punishment, I guess. Or because I'm the cat curiosity is scheduled to kill in approximately six hours. ~ Lindsey Ouimet

… but as even the stupidest toddler knows, covering your eyes makes you invisible. ~ Heidi Schulz

Nobody should have to die to a crappy soundtrack ~ James R Tuck

Miss Green can call a turd a rose if she wants, but that don't mean people's going to be lining up to smell it. ~ K. Martin Beckner

If you are a writer and you write/understand sarcasm please be thankful to the government and the masses.
Without their hard work and supreme idiotism it wouldn't have been possible.
You owe them the brutal sarcasm, they've earned it! ~ Himmilicious

I decided that a movie marathon was clearly in order. I tried to narrow down the options. Anything romantic was definitely out, as was anything involving space travel, kings, or handsome princes. Preferably there should be no good-looking men whatsoever, lest they remind me of Aeron. Sadly, that eliminated practically everything. ~ M.A. George

Seriously, Palta ... " He was honestly puzzled, "I haven't got a clue what you're talking about. What about your ears is supposed to be so bizarre?"
"Um ... You'd have to be blind to miss them," I replied sarcastically. "If you're not, you will be when you poke your eye out on one of them. ~ M.A. George

I won't leave you. What if you have another contraction? What if your water breaks and they rush you into the delivery room? What if there are complications?" He asked hoarsely, his eyes dilating more with each anxious question. And Theresa rolled her eyes in exasperation.
"I doubt any of those things will happen in the two minutes it would take you to leave the room and get a cup of coffee, Sandro," she sighed impatiently. ~ Natasha Anders

I'd venture to guess that a list of things you know nothing about could fill volumes. ~ Heidi Schulz

The 100% American is 99% idiot. ~ George Bernard Shaw

Goody. That must be why they were looking for a 22-caliber anything when they came by with their search warrant this morning.'

'They didn't!'

'They did.'

'When?'

'Oddly enough, right before I upped my meds. ~ Sandra Balzo

Father never went into depth about what happened if I woke up, unable to remember how I'd died, but most definitely in the hands of those not selected to have s'mores and sleepovers for all of eternity. ~ Heather Heffner

Life is a bitch. Not even the bitch that fucks everyone but you. She's the bitch with AIDS that doesn't want to fuck anyone but you. ~ Adam Ketcheson

Throughout a joke, the truth comes out. ~ Zybejta "Beta" Metani' Marashi

I am surprised you didn't whack your head on an overhanging branch back there. I have never seen anyone leap straight up off the ground the way you did when you saw that snake! It would make a good move for our next dance. Do you think you could teach the others? The snake jump? ~ Jennifer Frick-Ruppert

Hey!" Mena exclaimed "Don't knock Jeopardy. I love that show"
"So do I" Max admitted.
"I like it when I know the answers." Logan added.
Trent turned to Logan, "Dude, if you hate the show, all you had to do was say so. ~ Amanda Kelly

My instincts told me that death would somehow be ... different. But my rational mind reminded me that I had probably tempted fate one too many times. At least, I thought it was my rational mind. It sure seemed like the usual voice inside my head. Thank God there was only one of them. ~ M.A. George

If all it takes to motivate you is a quote then this quote has nothing to say – except to go soar with the freakin' eagles. ~ Ryan Lilly

When friends become overfriendly - smell fish! ~ Adhish Mazumder

While you were out JUDGING others, you left your closet door open...and guess what fell out!....Ooops ~ Karen Gibbs

Colombian humor is very black, very sarcastic. ~ Barbet Schroeder

I don't usually tell people to go to hell, but when I do I'm happy to give directions. ~ Ant Richards

How tall is it?" [The Harps]
"according to the sagas, it links through time and space and keeps our world and your world tethered together"
"Pretty big, then ~ Kathryn James

It's weird, marriage. It's like this license that gives a person the legal right to control their spouse / their 'other half. ~ Jess C. Scott

Don't be so concerned," he whispered. "We will get through this, I promise."
"What makes you so certain?" I couldn't help my skepticism.
"We have no other choice," he replied matter-of-factly.
"Is that really all you can come up with?" I scowled. "Couldn't you just lie and tell me you have some kind of secret badass weapon that is going to make this a piece of cake? ~ M.A. George

..each ministry has an allocation of money to spend on projects agreed to by the government.
Every Secretary of State is acutely aware that his tenure of office maybe very short, so he picks out a major contract for himself from the many available.
It's the one way to ensure a pension for life if the government is changed overnight or the minister simply loses his job. ~ Jeffrey Archer

In fact this bad baronet died true to the conditions of his kind--mysteriously in his library, at midnight, while a great deal of snow was falling. ~ Michael Innes

Take care with the words you speak, it's best to keep them sweet..... because you never know when you might have to eat them! ~ Karen Gibbs

Whoosh! went the bluebird of sarcasm, zooming miles above Dale's head. ~ Sarah Rees Brennan

Don't waste yer' breath kid. Explainin' anything to that one? It's like tryin' ta' slap the dumb off a retard ... -George Foster ~ Shawn Durnin

Behold the conquering hero, Otoku murmured, dashing off to war with his favorite doll. ~ Will Wight

When I venture to point out the unfairness of this, I am reminded of the second item on my list. Apparently the only acceptable destiny for a young female mem​b​er of the house of Windsor is to marry into another of the royal houses that still seem to litter Europe, even though there are precious few reigning monarchs these days. it seems that even a very minor Windsor like myself is a desirable commodity for those wishing a tenuous alliance with Britain at this unsettled time. I am constantly being reminded that is is my duty to make a good match with some half-lunatic, buck-toothed, chinless, spinele​s​s​​​, and utterly awful European royal, thus cementing ties with a potential enemy. My cousin Alex did this, poor thing. I have learned from her tragic example. ~ Rhys Bowen

Kelly was not going to remove her glasses. No matter what the television said about it being safe to do during the 'totality'. The television also told her she wouldn't age if she bought expensive creams and pills. ~ Guillermo Del Toro

Mr. Fogg accordingly tasted the dish, but, despite its spiced sauce, found it far from palatable. He rang for the landlord, and, on his appearance, said, fixing his clear eyes upon him, "Is this rabbit, sir?"
"Yes, my lord," the rogue boldly replied, "rabbit from the jungles."
"And this rabbit did not mew when he was killed?"
"Mew, my lord! What, a rabbit mew! I swear to you - "
"Be so good, landlord, as not to swear, but remember this: cats were formerly considered, in India, as sacred animals. That was a good time."
"For the cats, my lord?"
"Perhaps for the travellers as well! ~ Jules Verne

Look at the world and think about a catastrophic disaster where the cell phone towers went dead. How would you ever be able to 'TEXT your next door neighbor to see if they were okay ~ Stanley Victor Paskavich

It's not that we have more patience as we grow older, it's just that we're too tired to care about all the pointless drama ~ Karen Gibbs

Stop teasing me, doc. You haven't got the tits for it. ~ David Hine

Sleep? That's a luxury I can't afford. I simply have too much to do. Besides, I'll get plenty of sleep when I'm dead! ~ Paul S. Lynch

Yeah, sure," I scoffed. "You're the picture of respectability and moral character…You expect me to believe you were your parents' worst nightmare? What was your criminal act of choice - drunken bar fights? Or maybe grand theft auto? Don't tell me you sold the crown jewels to buy drugs…It's so disappointingly cliché. ~ M.A. George

I had abandoned Elana; I deserved her uncertainty. I closed my eyes and focused on her touch. Perhaps she wouldn't have understood had I tried to explain it to her, but to me Elana was not only Elana--she was the sad-eyed love of mine who used to bag groceries at Woodley's in Buffalo; she was the sweet one who always sat across from me on the city bus in Niagara Falls; she was the girl I'd picked up hitchhiking in Mobile and dropped off in New Orleans, brash, full of sarcastic humor, but truly lonely and scared; she was the one I'd nabbed pinching Newports for her dad from the Marathon station I'd worked at in Bakersfield (I'd softened and paid for the pack myself); yes, she was the girl playing basketball with all the boys in the park, collecting cans by the side of the road, keeping secret pet kittens in an empty boxcar in the woods, walking alone at night through the rail yards, teaching her little sisters how to kiss, reading out loud to herself, so absorbed by the story, singing sadly in the tub, building a fort from the junked cars out in the meadow, by herself in the front row at the black-and-white movies or in the alley, gazing at an eddy of cigarette stubs and trash and fall leaves, smoking her first cigarette at dusk by a pile of dead brush in the desert, then wishing at the stars-she was all of them, and she was so much more that was just her that I still didn't know. ~ Davy Rothbart

I am not mean I am just sarcastically humorous ~ Anonymous

I stare at the water. He stares at me. I can feel his gaze burning into my face, and I shift my head again, smiling wryly.

"Let's hear it."

"Hear what?"

"Some more lies. You know, how last night was just you doing me a favor, you don't really want me, yada, yada." I wave my hand.

To my surprise, he laughs.

"Oh my God. Was that a laugh? Reed Royal laughs, folks. Someone call the Vatican because an honest-to-God miracle has occurred."

That gets me another chuckle. "You're so annoying," he grumbles.

"Yeah, but you still like me."

He goes quiet. I think he's going to stay that way, but then he curses under his breath and says, "Yeah, maybe I do."

I feign amazement. "Two miracles in one night? Is the world ending? ~ Erin Watt, Paper Princess

Humor is the instinct for taking pain playfully. ~ Max Eastman

If Sam told him, I'd have to kill Sam. Since I didn't have the stomach for outright murder, I'd break his coffee maker. ~ Melissa Haag

You know, Mac,"Cadmus said still looking out the window. "We may have to work on the way we tell our story …apparently it's not amusing enough."

"I'll try to include a joke between 'he bled to death'and 'the city burned'."Machaon responded tersely. ~ Sulari Gentill

I didn't intend it to come out sarcastically, but I guess that's just where my tone of voice automatically goes these days. ~ M.A. George

Brian's face broke out in a wide grin as he slapped Roarke on the back. "That's a woman, isn't it?"
"Delicate as a rose, my Eve. Fragile and quiet natured." He grinned himself when he heard her curse, loud and vicious. "A voice like a flute."
"And you're sloppy in love with her."
"Pitifully. ~ J.D. Robb

I really have to befriend this asshole?" I whispered harshly to Dilmore "Yep."
"Well thanks Dilmore this is going to turn out swell. ~ Charon Lloyd-Roberts

It's so hard to tell with him. He always looks like he's working the customer service desk at the DMV." "I always thought he looked like a postal worker who's about one write-up away from losing it completely. ~ Shelly Laurenston

My life is worth living said the Scorpion and showed his sting. ~ Kristian Goldmund Aumann

There is a gay agenda?" he asked. "Naturally. Although marriage is the second item. Draw two." "So what's the first?" Jackson asked, grinning. He seemed to be the only person at the table besides Levi who realized Jaime was kidding. Everybody else was staring at Jaime with open-mouthed shock. "Recruitment. Especially of children. That's why I'm here, in fact. We're having a membership drive this month, and whoever recruits the most minors wins two free tickets to see Kathy Griffin live. ~ Marie Sexton

I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home. ~ Groucho Marx

Ok look man, you clearly are not hard up for money, you're driving a range rover, so call whoever has your jaguar or benz and ask them to help you out. I got things to do. ~ Holly Hood

Are you fighting evil tonight? ... Then you are doing the Lord's work. Shut the fuck up. ~ James R Tuck

I can only imagine what goes on in that head of yours ... " he teased. "I assure you I haven't taken up black magic, ritualistic sacrifice, or - "
"Plushophilia?" I tagged on.
"Excuse me? ... " came his half-confused, half-intrigued reaction.
"An obsession with stuffed animals," I clarified. "I mean, you are a young one ... "
"Where did you come up with that?" He kept his hands firmly covering my eyes, but I could hear the amused smile in his voice. "Is that even a real word?"
"I'm a doctor, I know these things," I shrugged. ~ M.A. George

I'll never understand ninety-nine percent of humanity. - Enoch ~ Ransom Riggs

Brave lodgings for one, brave lodgings for one,
A few feet of cold earth, when life is done;
A stone at the head, a stone at the feet,
A rich, juicy meal for the worms to eat;
Rank grass over head, and damp clay around,
Brave lodgings for one, these, in holy ground! ~ Charles Dickens

Have you caught cold?'
'It would appear so.'
'You could give it to Margaret,' Ramses suggested.
His uncle turned the tinted spectacles toward him and then, unexpectedly, bust into laughter. 'What a charming idea. Will you aid and abet me when I catch her in a close embrace and breathe heavily on her? ~ Elizabeth Peters

Phrase the question any way you like…The answer will still be 'Kiss my ass. ~ M.A. George

Life is a Game; More you play, More you learns ~ Harishankar Kaushik Hsk