Sarcastic Humor Quotes

Collection of famous quotes and sayings about Sarcastic Humor.

Quotes About Sarcastic Humor

Enjoy collection of 100 Sarcastic Humor quotes. Download and share images of famous quotes about Sarcastic Humor. Righ click to see and save pictures of Sarcastic Humor quotes that you can use as your wallpaper for free.

#1. Want some help with help with that stick in your ass, love?"
"No. It's quite comfortable, thank you."
"It should be. It's been in there for years." Nix winked at Will. "I hope you'll forgive my wife. She's a bit antisocial."
"And water's a bit wet. - Author: S.W. Vaughn
Sarcastic Humor quotes by S.W. Vaughn
#2. The Healing spells on his chest were certainly earning their keep tonight. Sullivan got to his feet. The lack of noise from the courtyard indicated that his team had gotten all the mechanical men. "Thanks."

Toru just grunted a noncommittal response as he lifted the feed tray to check the condition of his borrowed machine gun. They didn't see the final robot inside until it turned on its eye and illuminated the Iron Guard in blue light.

Sullivan's Spike reversed gravity, and the gigantic machine fell upward to hit the steel beams in the ceiling. Sullivan cut his Power and the robot dropped. It crashed hard into the floor where it lay twitching and kicking. The two of them riddled the mechanical man with bullets until the light died and it lay still in a spreading puddle of oil.

"Normally, this would be the part where you thank me for returning the favor and saving your life."

"Yes. Normally… If we were court ladies instead of warriors," Toru answered. "Shall we continue onward or do you wish to stop and discuss your feelings over tea?"

Sullivan looked forward to the day that the two of them would be able to finish their fight. "Let's go. - Author: Larry Correia
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Larry Correia
#3. Give the wilding an axe, why not?" He pointed out Mormont's weapon, a short-hafted battle-axe with gold scrollwork inlaid on the black steel blade. "He'll give it back, I vow. Buried in the Old Bear's skull, like as not. why not give him all our axes, and our swords as well? I mislike the way the clank and rattle as we ride. We'd travel faster without them, straight to hell's door. Does it rain in hell, I wonder? Perhaps Craster would like a nice hat instead."
Jon smiled. "He wants an axe. And wine as well."
"See, the Old Bear's clever. If we get the wildling well and truly drunk, perhaps he'll only cut off an ear when he tries to slay us with that axe. I have two ears but only one head. - Author: George R R Martin
Sarcastic Humor quotes by George R R Martin
#4. 140characters is twitter's simple way of saying 'know your limits - Author: Prajakta Mhadnak
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Prajakta Mhadnak
#5. I feel your scorn, and I accept it. - Author: Jon Stewart
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Jon Stewart
#6. What is it with people wanting to kill me lately? I'm starting to take it personally. - Author: Heather R. Blair
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Heather R. Blair
#7. I wanted a real diary, but there wasn't time to visit a stationery store, so instead I ran down to Thrift Drug and got you. According to your cover, you're an 'Official Popeye the Sailor Spiral-Bound Notebook, copyright © 1959 King Features Syndicate.' When I look into your wizened face, Popeye, I know you're a man I can trust. - Author: James K. Morrow
Sarcastic Humor quotes by James K. Morrow
#8. Son, my dad said, every man needs a bitter, resentful woman in his life. Because there's nothing more touching to a mother's heart than to know that her son thinks of her constantly. - Author: David C. Holley
Sarcastic Humor quotes by David C. Holley
#9. You're going on a date with the devil. All you need is some pepper spray and a fire extinguisher. - Author: Krista Ritchie
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Krista Ritchie
#10. Ove looks at the group assembled around him, as if he's been kidnapped and taken to a parallel universe. For a moment he thinks about swerving off the road, until he realises that the worst case scenario would be that they all accompanied him into the afterlife. - Author: Fredrik Backman
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Fredrik Backman
#11. Every woman is beautiful, but not every woman has someone to tell her that. - Author: Ljupka Cvetanova
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Ljupka Cvetanova
#12. In the battle of DNAs, your DNA will always win against the DNA of your father. - Author: Prashant Yadav
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Prashant Yadav
#13. Hooray for me, I'm so very lucky. Not only do I have the biggest piece of cake, it's a corner piece with a sugar-paste flower on top, and everyone else is sick with envy. - Author: Lisa Kleypas
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Lisa Kleypas
#14. As I finished my rice, I sketched out the plot of a pornographic adventure film called The Massage Room. Sirien, a young girl from northern Thailand, falls hopelessly in love with Bob, an American student who winds up in the massage parlor by accident, dragged there by his buddies after a fatefully boozy evening. Bob doesn't touch her, he's happy just to look at her with his lovely, pale-blue eyes and tell her about his hometown - in North Carolina, or somewhere like that. They see each other several more times, whenever Sirien isn't working, but, sadly, Bob must leave to finish his senior year at Yale. Ellipsis. Sirien waits expectantly while continuing to satisfy the needs of her numerous clients. Though pure at heart, she fervently jerks off and sucks paunchy, mustached Frenchmen (supporting role for Gerard Jugnot), corpulent, bald Germans (supporting role for some German actor). Finally, Bob returns and tries to free her from her hell - but the Chinese mafia doesn't see things in quite the same light. Bob persuades the American ambassador and the president of some humanitarian organization opposed to the exploitation of young girls to intervene (supporting role for Jane Fonda). What with the Chinese mafia (hint at the Triads) and the collusion of Thai generals (political angle, appeal to democratic values), there would be a lot of fight scenes and chase sequences through the streets of Bangkok. At the end of the day, Bob carries her off. But in the penultimate scene, Siri - Author: Michel Houellebecq
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Michel Houellebecq
#15. I was debating on jumping and ending my despair over losing my best friend, but I decided to call you instead. - Author: Holly Hood
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Holly Hood
#16. You're starting to sound like one of those songs that DJ's play when they wanna clear out the dancefloor. - Author: Alex Bergauer
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Alex Bergauer
#17. It's like a jolt of electricity, but worse. - Author: Lee Davidson
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Lee Davidson
#18. Oh, well, you go to poor school." He gives a comic eye roll. "At rich school, we take notes on hundred-dollar bills using unicorn tears, and our grief is vastly different and more complex. - Author: Delilah S. Dawson
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Delilah S. Dawson
#19. Does this mean we can eat pie today?" Easton asked. Riley let out a snorting laugh. "I know someone who will be." Nice. - Author: Erin McCarthy
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Erin McCarthy
#20. Just because it looks like a leprechaun and talks like a leprechaun, it doesn't mean it can't act like the little fucking demon it is. - Author: N.L. Gervasio
Sarcastic Humor quotes by N.L. Gervasio
#21. I know, 0 Caesar, that thou art awaiting my arrival with impatience, that thy true heart of a friend is yearning day and night for me. I know that thou art ready to cover me with gifts, make me prefect of the pretorian guards, and command Tigellinus to be that which the gods made him, a mule-driver in those lands which thou didst inherit after poisoning Domitius. Pardon me, however, for I swear to thee by Hades, and by the shades of thy mother, thy wife, thy brother, and Seneca, that I cannot go to thee. Life is a great treasure. I have taken the most precious jewels from that treasure, but in life there are many things which I cannot endure any longer. Do not suppose, I pray, that I am offended because thou didst kill thy mother, thy wife, and thy brother; that thou didst burn Eome and send to Erebus all the honest men in thy dominions. No, grandson of Chronos. Death is the inheritance of man; from thee other deeds could not have been expected. But to destroy one's ear for whole years with thy poetry, to see thy belly of a Domitius on slim legs whirled about in a Pyrrhic dance; to hear thy music, thy declamation, thy doggerel verses, wretched poet of the suburbs, - is a thing surpassing my power, and it has roused in me the wish to die. Eome stuffs its ears when it hears thee; the world reviles thee. I can blush for thee no longer, and I have no wish to do so. The howls of Cerberus, though resembling thy music, will be less offensive to me, for I have never been the friend - Author: Henryk Sienkiewicz
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Henryk Sienkiewicz
#22. Unsettling, like seeing Stalin on a skateboard. - Author: David Nicholls
Sarcastic Humor quotes by David Nicholls
#23. She bared her teeth at me. "Screw you, shifter!"
"Ah, is our honeymoon period over so quickly? You wanted to jump my bones just a second ago. - Author: Cori Moore
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Cori Moore
#24. Italian to the core, he did not for an instant doubt that a man could be passionately devoted to the wife he betrayed with other women. - Author: Donna Leon
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Donna Leon
#25. Mr. Sand, do you think it's possible to fall in love in the space of a single day?"
He smiled. "I wouldn't know. I only fall in love at night. Never lasts beyond breakfast, though. - Author: Tessa Dare
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Tessa Dare
#26. Sadists are strangely the smartest, because they know best how to represent selfishness as socialism. - Author: Subhralin Thakuria
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Subhralin Thakuria
#27. No one plows the field just by thinking about it. - Author: Ljupka Cvetanova
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Ljupka Cvetanova
#28. Monsignor Montan-n-nelli... is undoubtedly all you say, my dear doctor. In fact, he appears to be so much too good for this world that he ought to be politely escorted into the next. - Author: Ethel Lilian Voynich
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Ethel Lilian Voynich
#29. A full glass of patience with a pinch of sarcasm is all you need to deal~ - Author: Tanya Gambhir
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Tanya Gambhir
#30. The jury returned with a verdict of "Don't ask me, I wasn't there," and was excused. - Author: Brian Spellman
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Brian Spellman
#31. Doubt you'd find anyone as dashingly charming as me - Author: Veronica Purcell
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Veronica Purcell
#32. I don't spend money on books. I write them myself. - Author: Ljupka Cvetanova
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Ljupka Cvetanova
#33. I paused for a moment, debating whether to turn and look what was happening. My senses told me Obo's presence was still at my side, and turning my face into the barrel of a gun seemed like an ill-advised way to cap off this day of monumentally stupid decisions. - Author: M.A. George
Sarcastic Humor quotes by M.A. George
#34. Ah yes…" He made an exaggerated nod. "I was supposed to be filling you in on Nangí's story." He winked at me playfully, as I kept up my glare. "Now, where should I begin?"

"Tell you what, let me get you started," I came back. "Once upon a time, there was this über-creepy old man - who looks like he lives in a haunted shack and eats small children for breakfast - and I decided to make him my new best friend becaaauuse… Okay, your turn. - Author: M.A. George
Sarcastic Humor quotes by M.A. George
#35. Jaime, dear, forgive me, but I don't think you are man enough to take care of my Cass. She's a special kind of difficult. - Author: Mercy Celeste
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Mercy Celeste
#36. You're one of those people who fall off a tree and never quite reach the ground. - Author: Carlos Ruiz Zafon
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Carlos Ruiz Zafon
#37. I wish I could say I'm low maintenance, but I like some of the finer things in life ... like a toothbrush. - Author: M.A. George
Sarcastic Humor quotes by M.A. George
#38. You get a kick out of shocking the pants off me, don't you?" I shook my head with a smirk.

He just shrugged with a playful smile, his eyes momentarily flitting toward my pants before returning to meet my gaze.

"It's an expression," I rolled my eyes. "Don't tell me you aren't familiar with it, Mr. Smarty Pants."

"You have quite a repertoire of 'pants' references, don't you? - Author: M.A. George
Sarcastic Humor quotes by M.A. George
#39. But you know as well as I do that anger won't solve anything."
"I beg to differ," he shrugged. "Anger can be quite rewarding ... at least for those of us who have the option of blasting our enemies to oblivion. - Author: M.A. George
Sarcastic Humor quotes by M.A. George
#40. Every single person I've seen in the past few days asks me about the Leg.
How is it?
How's the Leg?
The Leg is attached. Thanks for asking. There's The Leg right there. It's on display, always outside of the sheets and blanket, although the whole thing is still so wrapped up it looks like I borrowed The Leg from some ancient Egyptian mummy.
How's The Leg?
It seems a bit mummyish, thanks. - Author: Michael Grant
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Michael Grant
#41. Because I'm a glutton for punishment, I guess. Or because I'm the cat curiosity is scheduled to kill in approximately six hours. - Author: Lindsey Ouimet
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Lindsey Ouimet
#42. … but as even the stupidest toddler knows, covering your eyes makes you invisible. - Author: Heidi Schulz
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Heidi Schulz
#43. Nobody should have to die to a crappy soundtrack - Author: James R Tuck
Sarcastic Humor quotes by James R Tuck
#44. Miss Green can call a turd a rose if she wants, but that don't mean people's going to be lining up to smell it. - Author: K. Martin Beckner
Sarcastic Humor quotes by K. Martin Beckner
#45. If you are a writer and you write/understand sarcasm please be thankful to the government and the masses.
Without their hard work and supreme idiotism it wouldn't have been possible.
You owe them the brutal sarcasm, they've earned it! - Author: Himmilicious
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Himmilicious
#46. I decided that a movie marathon was clearly in order. I tried to narrow down the options. Anything romantic was definitely out, as was anything involving space travel, kings, or handsome princes. Preferably there should be no good-looking men whatsoever, lest they remind me of Aeron. Sadly, that eliminated practically everything. - Author: M.A. George
Sarcastic Humor quotes by M.A. George
#47. Seriously, Palta ... " He was honestly puzzled, "I haven't got a clue what you're talking about. What about your ears is supposed to be so bizarre?"
"Um ... You'd have to be blind to miss them," I replied sarcastically. "If you're not, you will be when you poke your eye out on one of them. - Author: M.A. George
Sarcastic Humor quotes by M.A. George
#48. I won't leave you. What if you have another contraction? What if your water breaks and they rush you into the delivery room? What if there are complications?" He asked hoarsely, his eyes dilating more with each anxious question. And Theresa rolled her eyes in exasperation.
"I doubt any of those things will happen in the two minutes it would take you to leave the room and get a cup of coffee, Sandro," she sighed impatiently. - Author: Natasha Anders
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Natasha Anders
#49. I'd venture to guess that a list of things you know nothing about could fill volumes. - Author: Heidi Schulz
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Heidi Schulz
#50. The 100% American is 99% idiot. - Author: George Bernard Shaw
Sarcastic Humor quotes by George Bernard Shaw
#51. Goody. That must be why they were looking for a 22-caliber anything when they came by with their search warrant this morning.'

'They didn't!'

'They did.'

'When?'

'Oddly enough, right before I upped my meds. - Author: Sandra Balzo
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Sandra Balzo
#52. Father never went into depth about what happened if I woke up, unable to remember how I'd died, but most definitely in the hands of those not selected to have s'mores and sleepovers for all of eternity. - Author: Heather Heffner
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Heather Heffner
#53. Life is a bitch. Not even the bitch that fucks everyone but you. She's the bitch with AIDS that doesn't want to fuck anyone but you. - Author: Adam Ketcheson
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Adam Ketcheson
#54. Throughout a joke, the truth comes out. - Author: Zybejta "Beta" Metani' Marashi
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Zybejta
#55. I am surprised you didn't whack your head on an overhanging branch back there. I have never seen anyone leap straight up off the ground the way you did when you saw that snake! It would make a good move for our next dance. Do you think you could teach the others? The snake jump? - Author: Jennifer Frick-Ruppert
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Jennifer Frick-Ruppert
#56. Hey!" Mena exclaimed "Don't knock Jeopardy. I love that show"
"So do I" Max admitted.
"I like it when I know the answers." Logan added.
Trent turned to Logan, "Dude, if you hate the show, all you had to do was say so. - Author: Amanda Kelly
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Amanda Kelly
#57. My instincts told me that death would somehow be ... different. But my rational mind reminded me that I had probably tempted fate one too many times. At least, I thought it was my rational mind. It sure seemed like the usual voice inside my head. Thank God there was only one of them. - Author: M.A. George
Sarcastic Humor quotes by M.A. George
#58. If all it takes to motivate you is a quote then this quote has nothing to say – except to go soar with the freakin' eagles. - Author: Ryan Lilly
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Ryan Lilly
#59. When friends become overfriendly - smell fish! - Author: Adhish Mazumder
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Adhish Mazumder
#60. While you were out JUDGING others, you left your closet door open...and guess what fell out!....Ooops - Author: Karen Gibbs
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Karen Gibbs
#61. Colombian humor is very black, very sarcastic. - Author: Barbet Schroeder
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Barbet Schroeder
#62. I don't usually tell people to go to hell, but when I do I'm happy to give directions. - Author: Ant Richards
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Ant Richards
#63. How tall is it?" [The Harps]
"according to the sagas, it links through time and space and keeps our world and your world tethered together"
"Pretty big, then - Author: Kathryn James
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Kathryn James
#64. It's weird, marriage. It's like this license that gives a person the legal right to control their spouse / their 'other half. - Author: Jess C. Scott
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Jess C. Scott
#65. Don't be so concerned," he whispered. "We will get through this, I promise."
"What makes you so certain?" I couldn't help my skepticism.
"We have no other choice," he replied matter-of-factly.
"Is that really all you can come up with?" I scowled. "Couldn't you just lie and tell me you have some kind of secret badass weapon that is going to make this a piece of cake? - Author: M.A. George
Sarcastic Humor quotes by M.A. George
#66. ..each ministry has an allocation of money to spend on projects agreed to by the government.
Every Secretary of State is acutely aware that his tenure of office maybe very short, so he picks out a major contract for himself from the many available.
It's the one way to ensure a pension for life if the government is changed overnight or the minister simply loses his job. - Author: Jeffrey Archer
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Jeffrey Archer
#67. In fact this bad baronet died true to the conditions of his kind--mysteriously in his library, at midnight, while a great deal of snow was falling. - Author: Michael Innes
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Michael Innes
#68. Take care with the words you speak, it's best to keep them sweet..... because you never know when you might have to eat them! - Author: Karen Gibbs
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Karen Gibbs
#69. Whoosh! went the bluebird of sarcasm, zooming miles above Dale's head. - Author: Sarah Rees Brennan
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Sarah Rees Brennan
#70. Don't waste yer' breath kid. Explainin' anything to that one? It's like tryin' ta' slap the dumb off a retard ... -George Foster - Author: Shawn Durnin
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Shawn Durnin
#71. Behold the conquering hero, Otoku murmured, dashing off to war with his favorite doll. - Author: Will Wight
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Will Wight
#72. When I venture to point out the unfairness of this, I am reminded of the second item on my list. Apparently the only acceptable destiny for a young female mem​b​er of the house of Windsor is to marry into another of the royal houses that still seem to litter Europe, even though there are precious few reigning monarchs these days. it seems that even a very minor Windsor like myself is a desirable commodity for those wishing a tenuous alliance with Britain at this unsettled time. I am constantly being reminded that is is my duty to make a good match with some half-lunatic, buck-toothed, chinless, spinele​s​s​​​, and utterly awful European royal, thus cementing ties with a potential enemy. My cousin Alex did this, poor thing. I have learned from her tragic example. - Author: Rhys Bowen
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Rhys Bowen
#73. Kelly was not going to remove her glasses. No matter what the television said about it being safe to do during the 'totality'. The television also told her she wouldn't age if she bought expensive creams and pills. - Author: Guillermo Del Toro
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Guillermo Del Toro
#74. Mr. Fogg accordingly tasted the dish, but, despite its spiced sauce, found it far from palatable. He rang for the landlord, and, on his appearance, said, fixing his clear eyes upon him, "Is this rabbit, sir?"
"Yes, my lord," the rogue boldly replied, "rabbit from the jungles."
"And this rabbit did not mew when he was killed?"
"Mew, my lord! What, a rabbit mew! I swear to you - "
"Be so good, landlord, as not to swear, but remember this: cats were formerly considered, in India, as sacred animals. That was a good time."
"For the cats, my lord?"
"Perhaps for the travellers as well! - Author: Jules Verne
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Jules Verne
#75. Look at the world and think about a catastrophic disaster where the cell phone towers went dead. How would you ever be able to 'TEXT your next door neighbor to see if they were okay - Author: Stanley Victor Paskavich
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Stanley Victor Paskavich
#76. It's not that we have more patience as we grow older, it's just that we're too tired to care about all the pointless drama - Author: Karen Gibbs
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Karen Gibbs
#77. Stop teasing me, doc. You haven't got the tits for it. - Author: David Hine
Sarcastic Humor quotes by David Hine
#78. Sleep? That's a luxury I can't afford. I simply have too much to do. Besides, I'll get plenty of sleep when I'm dead! - Author: Paul S. Lynch
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Paul S. Lynch
#79. Yeah, sure," I scoffed. "You're the picture of respectability and moral character…You expect me to believe you were your parents' worst nightmare? What was your criminal act of choice - drunken bar fights? Or maybe grand theft auto? Don't tell me you sold the crown jewels to buy drugs…It's so disappointingly cliché. - Author: M.A. George
Sarcastic Humor quotes by M.A. George
#80. I had abandoned Elana; I deserved her uncertainty. I closed my eyes and focused on her touch. Perhaps she wouldn't have understood had I tried to explain it to her, but to me Elana was not only Elana--she was the sad-eyed love of mine who used to bag groceries at Woodley's in Buffalo; she was the sweet one who always sat across from me on the city bus in Niagara Falls; she was the girl I'd picked up hitchhiking in Mobile and dropped off in New Orleans, brash, full of sarcastic humor, but truly lonely and scared; she was the one I'd nabbed pinching Newports for her dad from the Marathon station I'd worked at in Bakersfield (I'd softened and paid for the pack myself); yes, she was the girl playing basketball with all the boys in the park, collecting cans by the side of the road, keeping secret pet kittens in an empty boxcar in the woods, walking alone at night through the rail yards, teaching her little sisters how to kiss, reading out loud to herself, so absorbed by the story, singing sadly in the tub, building a fort from the junked cars out in the meadow, by herself in the front row at the black-and-white movies or in the alley, gazing at an eddy of cigarette stubs and trash and fall leaves, smoking her first cigarette at dusk by a pile of dead brush in the desert, then wishing at the stars-she was all of them, and she was so much more that was just her that I still didn't know. - Author: Davy Rothbart
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Davy Rothbart
#81. I am not mean I am just sarcastically humorous - Author: Anonymous
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Anonymous
#82. I stare at the water. He stares at me. I can feel his gaze burning into my face, and I shift my head again, smiling wryly.

"Let's hear it."

"Hear what?"

"Some more lies. You know, how last night was just you doing me a favor, you don't really want me, yada, yada." I wave my hand.

To my surprise, he laughs.

"Oh my God. Was that a laugh? Reed Royal laughs, folks. Someone call the Vatican because an honest-to-God miracle has occurred."

That gets me another chuckle. "You're so annoying," he grumbles.

"Yeah, but you still like me."

He goes quiet. I think he's going to stay that way, but then he curses under his breath and says, "Yeah, maybe I do."

I feign amazement. "Two miracles in one night? Is the world ending? - Author: Erin Watt, Paper Princess
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Erin Watt, Paper Princess
#83. Humor is the instinct for taking pain playfully. - Author: Max Eastman
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Max Eastman
#84. If Sam told him, I'd have to kill Sam. Since I didn't have the stomach for outright murder, I'd break his coffee maker. - Author: Melissa Haag
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Melissa Haag
#85. You know, Mac,"Cadmus said still looking out the window. "We may have to work on the way we tell our story …apparently it's not amusing enough."

"I'll try to include a joke between 'he bled to death'and 'the city burned'."Machaon responded tersely. - Author: Sulari Gentill
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Sulari Gentill
#86. I didn't intend it to come out sarcastically, but I guess that's just where my tone of voice automatically goes these days. - Author: M.A. George
Sarcastic Humor quotes by M.A. George
#87. Brian's face broke out in a wide grin as he slapped Roarke on the back. "That's a woman, isn't it?"
"Delicate as a rose, my Eve. Fragile and quiet natured." He grinned himself when he heard her curse, loud and vicious. "A voice like a flute."
"And you're sloppy in love with her."
"Pitifully. - Author: J.D. Robb
Sarcastic Humor quotes by J.D. Robb
#88. I really have to befriend this asshole?" I whispered harshly to Dilmore "Yep."
"Well thanks Dilmore this is going to turn out swell. - Author: Charon Lloyd-Roberts
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Charon Lloyd-Roberts
#89. It's so hard to tell with him. He always looks like he's working the customer service desk at the DMV." "I always thought he looked like a postal worker who's about one write-up away from losing it completely. - Author: Shelly Laurenston
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Shelly Laurenston
#90. My life is worth living said the Scorpion and showed his sting. - Author: Kristian Goldmund Aumann
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Kristian Goldmund Aumann
#91. There is a gay agenda?" he asked. "Naturally. Although marriage is the second item. Draw two." "So what's the first?" Jackson asked, grinning. He seemed to be the only person at the table besides Levi who realized Jaime was kidding. Everybody else was staring at Jaime with open-mouthed shock. "Recruitment. Especially of children. That's why I'm here, in fact. We're having a membership drive this month, and whoever recruits the most minors wins two free tickets to see Kathy Griffin live. - Author: Marie Sexton
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Marie Sexton
#92. I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home. - Author: Groucho Marx
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Groucho Marx
#93. Ok look man, you clearly are not hard up for money, you're driving a range rover, so call whoever has your jaguar or benz and ask them to help you out. I got things to do. - Author: Holly Hood
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Holly Hood
#94. Are you fighting evil tonight? ... Then you are doing the Lord's work. Shut the fuck up. - Author: James R Tuck
Sarcastic Humor quotes by James R Tuck
#95. I can only imagine what goes on in that head of yours ... " he teased. "I assure you I haven't taken up black magic, ritualistic sacrifice, or - "
"Plushophilia?" I tagged on.
"Excuse me? ... " came his half-confused, half-intrigued reaction.
"An obsession with stuffed animals," I clarified. "I mean, you are a young one ... "
"Where did you come up with that?" He kept his hands firmly covering my eyes, but I could hear the amused smile in his voice. "Is that even a real word?"
"I'm a doctor, I know these things," I shrugged. - Author: M.A. George
Sarcastic Humor quotes by M.A. George
#96. I'll never understand ninety-nine percent of humanity. - Enoch - Author: Ransom Riggs
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Ransom Riggs
#97. Brave lodgings for one, brave lodgings for one,
A few feet of cold earth, when life is done;
A stone at the head, a stone at the feet,
A rich, juicy meal for the worms to eat;
Rank grass over head, and damp clay around,
Brave lodgings for one, these, in holy ground! - Author: Charles Dickens
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Charles Dickens
#98. Have you caught cold?'
'It would appear so.'
'You could give it to Margaret,' Ramses suggested.
His uncle turned the tinted spectacles toward him and then, unexpectedly, bust into laughter. 'What a charming idea. Will you aid and abet me when I catch her in a close embrace and breathe heavily on her? - Author: Elizabeth Peters
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Elizabeth Peters
#99. Phrase the question any way you like…The answer will still be 'Kiss my ass. - Author: M.A. George
Sarcastic Humor quotes by M.A. George
#100. Life is a Game; More you play, More you learns - Author: Harishankar Kaushik Hsk
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Harishankar Kaushik Hsk
#101. My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada. - Author: Ellen DeGeneres
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Ellen DeGeneres
#102. But huge photographs of dead bodies are slightly different. I couldn't find much humor there. - Author: PJ Harvey
Sarcastic Humor quotes by PJ Harvey
#103. When you have faith in something a lot of other people believe then you a member of the church" said Ceas, "When you have faith in something nobody believes, then you a complete wacko - Author: Orson Scott Card
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Orson Scott Card
#104. You'd think that it would make them all the more credible to be free of any obvious agenda or emotional bias, motivated only by objective logic. But there's something off-putting about these hyperrational types; they're immune to any appeals to common sense or humor, the for fuck's sake defense. [...] As Kim Stanley Robinson writes, "An excess of reason is in itself a form of madness". - Author: Tim Kreider
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Tim Kreider
#105. Like my father told me, if at first you don't succeed, try again. And again. And again. But after that, give up. It's no good being stubborn. - Author: Bryce C. Anderson
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Bryce C. Anderson
#106. Your lies have already poisoned the world!'
'Then I shall write another book', said Didactylos calmly. 'Think how it will look – proud Didactylos swayed by the arguments of the Omnians. A full retraction. Hmm? In fact, with your permission, lord – I know you have much to do, looting and burning and so on – I will retire to my barrel right away and start work on it. A universe of spheres. Balls spinning through space. Hmm. Yes. With your permission, lord, I will write you more balls that you can imagine… - Author: Terry Pratchett
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Terry Pratchett
#107. I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them. - Author: Rita Rudner
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Rita Rudner
#108. From the opening lines, Sleeping with Schubert is a hilarious, whimsical romp through the looking glass of a great musical mystery. The writing snaps, crackles, and pops with humor as Bonnie Marson makes Schubert a sexy, happening kind of guy who gives new meaning to our dreaming the impossible. - Author: Jonis Agee
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Jonis Agee
#109. We know they've got food here," Loran said ever practical. "What more do we need?"

"Well, as much as I heartily approve of food," Jason replied, glancing over at Loran. "I wouldn't say no to the odd cellium mine or cache of alien tech."

"You're picking up some alien tech?" Tennant asked excitedly, practically bouncing at the prospect. "Are there any weapons?"

"No, of course not," Jason snapped in exasperation. "I'm not picking up anything. But, ahh... I'll be sure to keep running that particular scan - the alien weapon scan," he added hurriedly in appeasement as Tennant's face dropped. - Author: Claire Russett
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Claire Russett
#110. Women are like fingers and toes because they're easy to count on. - Author: Bo Burnham
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Bo Burnham
#111. Urban Outfitters, eh," said Beverley. "That explains the Dr Denim shirt."
"My mum bought me that," I said.
"And you think that's less embarrassing? - Author: Ben Aaronovitch
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Ben Aaronovitch
#112. We probably shouldn't be friends," I told her, stretching out on the sofa. "I've been thinking about it, and I see no reason to continue. - Author: Ottessa Moshfegh
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Ottessa Moshfegh
#113. We talked about talking. (We had been interrupting Ms. Diz a lot).
She said that when someone is talking, you listen with your ears.
And save your questions for the end.
Then you use your mouth.
Even if you see something that is a miracle.
Like a squirrel with a blue Matchbox car in his mouth.
Which I saw yesterday.
You are not allowed to jump up and scream, 'MS. DIZ I SEE A SQUIRREL WITH A MATCHBOX CAR IN HIS MOUTH OR MAYBE IT'S AN SUV!! I AM NOT KIDDING MS. DIZ!! - Author: Katherine Applegate
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Katherine Applegate
#114. You are always looking at people like this." And then she made a face, one he couldn't possibly begin to describe.
"If I ever look like that," he said dryly, "precisely like that, to be more precise, I give you leave to shoot me. - Author: Julia Quinn
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Julia Quinn
#115. The house in the story is based on my friend Tori's house in Kinsale, Ireland, which is obviously not actually haunted, and the sound of people upstairs moving wardrobes around when you are downstairs there and alone is probably just something that old houses do when they think they are unobserved. - Author: Neil Gaiman
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Neil Gaiman
#116. When God created the Earth, he had such a sick wicked sense of humor. He made everything that's wrong feel really, really good. - Author: Miranda Kenneally
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Miranda Kenneally
#117. What the hell was your pal Bertin demanding?" he asked. "Sipping syrup?"

"It's a cocktail he prefers when he gets, ah, overly excited."

"A cocktail?"

"Of sorts. Lemon–lime soda, vodka, codeine in solution, and a Jolly Rancher candy."

"A what?"

"Bertin prefers the watermelon–flavored variety."

D'Agosta shook his head. "Christ. Only in Louisiana."

"Actually, I understand the concoction originated in Houston. - Author: Douglas Preston
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Douglas Preston
#118. They don't want you to win. - Author: D.J. Khaled
Sarcastic Humor quotes by D.J. Khaled
#119. Nothing is like it seems, but everything is exactly like it is. - Author: Yogi Berra
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Yogi Berra
#120. New Rule: Stop lying to me about your pancake mix. The back of the box says 1 1/2 cups makes ten to twelve pancakes. Really? 'Cause I get four. Who's your cook, Jesus? - Author: Bill Maher
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Bill Maher
#121. First,' Dad said, giving me a stern look, 'Captain Griswold and you [Nora] and i must have a little chat.'
I batted my eyelashes at him, even as my cheeks heated. Chas choked, and scrawled out, You stil ow me detales! Detales!!! - Author: Lia Habel
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Lia Habel
#122. Horseman. I know you were born back when women were thought of as little more than brood mares and slaves, but it's the twenty-first century, and we can do anything a man does. - Author: Larissa Ione
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Larissa Ione
#123. I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper. - Author: Mitch Hedberg
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Mitch Hedberg
#124. The reason I might forget something is because my mind is like a computer. I have so much useless stuff stored up in there, that when I forget to clean out my Mind's Cache, it has no room for new information. Like wearing pants! - Author: James Hauenstein
Sarcastic Humor quotes by James Hauenstein
#125. I re-traced your footsteps to that miserable little Tibetan monastery. It was hard to get the monks to talk, what with that vow of silence and all – and how do you threaten someone who regards death as a promotion? - Author: Anne Flanagan
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Anne Flanagan
#126. I paused for a light at Hamilton and TWlfth and noticed the Nissan was running rough at idle. Two blocks later it backfired and stalled. I coaxed it into the center of the city. Ffft, ffft, ffft, KAPOW! Ffft, ffft, ffft, KAPOW!
A Trans Am pulled up next to me at a light. The Trans Am was filled with high school kids. One of them stuck his head out of the passenger-side window.
"Hey lady," he said. "Sounds like you got a fartmobile." I flipped him an Italian goodwill gesture and pulled the ball cap low on my forehead.
(Three to get Deadly) - Author: Janet Evanovich
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Janet Evanovich
#127. And finally, I've always drawn a great deal of moral comfort from Humpty Dumpty. The part I like the best? 'All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again.' That's because there is no Humpty Dumpty, and there is no God. None, not one, no God, never was. - Author: George Carlin
Sarcastic Humor quotes by George Carlin
#128. In a perfect
world I would be taller, you would be alive,
and chickens could cross the road without
being the subject of a joke. - Author: Suzanne Wrightt
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Suzanne Wrightt
#129. Got bitten by the book bug? - Author: Maryann Gestwicki
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Maryann Gestwicki
#130. The entire universe has been neatly divided into things to (a) mate with, (b) eat, (c) run away from, and (d) rocks. - Author: Terry Pratchett
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Terry Pratchett
#131. Of course those that have charm don't really need brains. - Author: Evelyn Waugh
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Evelyn Waugh
#132. I wouldn't have a face like that,' proceeded the child, with a good deal of earnestness, 'not if you gave me a million dollars.' He thought for a moment, then corrected himself. 'Two million dollars!' he added. - Author: P.G. Wodehouse
Sarcastic Humor quotes by P.G. Wodehouse
#133. Day had gotten a little nervous during one session when the doctor asked God how he would handle someone hurting Day now and his lover responded by jerking one side of his leather coat open and pulling his long blade from its sheathe.

"Easy, I'd cut their fucking arm off and beat the shit out of them with it," he'd said.

But Day quickly started laughing and told the concerned doctor that his partner was just playing.

After popping God hard in his stomach, God agreed and said he was indeed joking. When the doctor went back to writing on her legal pad, God mouthed to him, "No I'm not. - Author: A.E. Via
Sarcastic Humor quotes by A.E. Via
#134. If your treated like a puppet find a new ball of string - Author: Benny Bellamacina
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Benny Bellamacina
#135. Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so. - Author: Douglas Adams
Sarcastic Humor quotes by Douglas Adams

Famous Authors

Popular Topics