Turd Quotes

Life and water are inseparable. Three quarters of the earth's surface is covered by water, just as three quarters of your body is made up of water. Even in the driest desert where rain may come just once every few years, the cycles of life are based on waiting for the arrival of water. Our bodies are not so patient.
Every cell in your body needs water to survive, and that means that drinking plenty of clean, fresh water can make you stronger healthier and smarter. Water carries oxygen and fuel to your cells, lubricates your joints, regulates your body temperature, and plays a key roll in just about every function of your body.
My number one roadie, POODIE, says, You can't make a turd without grease. ~ Willie Nelson

My biggest objection to Fox News, I say, is not the scaremongering, it's the way it's reshaped the Republican party. It will misrepresent social and economic issues, and promote the more extreme elements of the party, politicians such as Sarah Palin and Mike Huckabee, in a way that is hugely detrimental to American politics. (For the record, Rupert Murdoch disagrees, and last year claimed that Fox News "absolutely saved" the Republican party.) "Watching these channels all day is incredibly depressing," says Stewart. "I live in a constant state of depression. I think of us as turd miners. I put on my helmet, I go and mine turds, hopefully I don't get turd lung disease. ~ Anonymous

The trouble with most coaches is that they start with the assumption that everybody is a turd. And that ain't right. ~ Bum Phillips

He sees, and smells, that the mishap was caused by a large human turd. ~ David Mitchell

rectangular slab of mincemeat that everyone, including the servers, referred to as baked turd. ~ Robert Muchamore

I've come to acknowledge the turd". ~ Karen Marie Moning

And then there's my brother Wally; he's four years younger than me, and he's the classic younger brother
a turd. The Turd is kind of like that old nursery rhyme about snails and puppy dog tails; he's got the intelligence of a slug and he's about as well house-trained as a Chihuahua. ~ Huston Piner

Javier Pastore wouldn't get a beach ball off me if we were locked in a phone box. He's turd. Anyone who thinks he isn't is clueless. ~ Joey Barton

Sometimes you've got to eat a turd sandwich; makes the ribeye taste better next time. ~ Shane Battier

I was like a turd inside someone who'd accidentally swallowed an engagement ring: I was nothing, yet I carried something uniquely special. ~ Alissa Nutting

That food was so bad I can't wait for it to become a turd and leave me. ~ Thomas McGuane

I like to think of myself as a regular guy, except I play football for a living. I try not to be an arrogant turd out there. ~ Brian Urlacher

If you don't have a mobile strategy, you're in deep turd, ~ Jen-Hsun Huang

Michelangelo continually had trouble with his assistants and had to sack several for poor workmanship, laziness, or even - in one particular case - because the lad in question was 'a stuck-up little turd'. ~ Alexander Lee

TV news is like kryptonite to children. The two major shifts in taste for children to adulthood are news and mustard. Kids hate news and mustard. Well, mustard even has the word 'turd' in it. Maybe I should threaten my kids that if they don't go to bed, I will force them to watch an hour-long newscast about mustard. ~ Jim Gaffigan

All night the angelic made me gasp for breadth and dream of drowning in sand or earth or mud. I got up, my chest still racked, but glad to be finished with the phantasms which magnify a reality difficult enough in itself. Coffee so bitter it was undrinkable. A big roar. Two big roars. No relief. The mornings only consolation was of a faecal nature. Unexpectedly and impeccably i produced a magnificent turd, so long it had to curve at the ends to fit into the bowl. I contemplated fondly the fine chubby little babe of living clay i'd just brought forth, and my zest for life returned. ~ Michel Tournier

You whoreson scalawag!" said I. "You flesh-turd dropped stinking from the poxy arsehole of a hare-lipped harlot! ~ Christopher Moore

A young English couple was visiting with me one summer after I had been composting humanure for about six years. One evening, as dinner was being prepared, the couple suddenly understood the horrible reality of their situation: the food they were about to eat was recycled human shit. When this fact abruptly dawned upon them, it seemed to set off an instinctive alarm, possibly inherited directly from Queen Victoria. "We don't want to eat shit!" they informed me, rather distressed (that's an exact quote), as if in preparing dinner I had simply set a steaming turd on a plate in front of them with a knife, fork and napkin. ~ Joseph Jenkins

I don't know where you get off telling everyone what to do. Did I miss the part where you were crowned top turd? I don't want to play the wicked consort of Eric the Evil. Last time I looked, there wasn't a wicked consort clause in my contract." Donna turned to Eric as he stopped by her side. "I can't believe he thinks he can harass me like he does the rest of the poor wretches who work here." She glared at Holgarth. "Why not rent a wig and you can be the wicked consort?"
As one of the castle's poor wretches, Eric didn't offer anything to the conversation because he was too busy picturing Holgarth in a wig. And from there, he went on to imagine Donna in her wicked consort costume - short on cloth with lots of bare skin showing. Things were looking up. ~ Nina Bangs

During the first break-in I grabbed a load of hangers and thought, 'Magic', I'll be able to sell this stuff down the pub. But I'd forgotten to take a flashlight with me, and it turned out that the clothes I'd nicked were a bunch of babies' bibs and toddlers' underpants.
I might as well have tried to sell a turd. ~ Ozzy Osbourne

Do you know how terrible I felt when Marcus came down and found me sitting there like a turd? ~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

The people of your century no longer require the service of composers. A composer is as useful to a person in a jogging suit as a dinsoaur turd in the middle of his runway. ~ Frank Zappa

Don't ever write a novel unless it hurts like a hot turd coming out ~ Charles Bukowski

Sometimes I would hold it in for days so that I could have a really big one and also because it felt good in itself. When I really did have to shit, so much that I could barely stand upright but had to bend forward, I had such a fantastic feeling in my body if I didn't let nature take its course, if I squeezed the muscles in my butt together as hard as I could and, as it were, forced the shit back to where it came from. But this was a dangerous game, because if you did it too many times the turd ultimately grew so big it was impossible to shit it out. Oh Christ, how it hurt when such an enormous turd had to come out! It was truly unbearable, I was convulsed with pain, it was as if my body were exploding with pain, AAAAAAGGGHHH!! I screamed, OOOOOHHH, and then, just as it was at its very worst, suddenly it was out.
Oh, how good that was! ~ Karl Ove Knausgaard

Did you know that the Russians sent dogs into space? My mother told me this when I was a boy. Nobody knew the effects of space on a body, you see, so they sent dogs first. They found two little mongrels on the streets of Moscow. Pchelka, which means Little Bee, and Mushka, which means Little Fly. They went up in Sputnik 6. They were supposed to get into orbit and come right back. But the rockets misfired and shot them into space.

Whenever I look at the night sky, I think about those dogs. Wearing these hand-stitched spacesuits, bright orange, with their paws sticking out. Big fishbowl helmets. How… crazy. Floating out and out into space. How bewildered they must have been, dying from oxygen deprivation. For what? They would have happily spent their days rummaging through trashcans.

For all anyone knows these dogs are still out there. Two dead mongrels in a satellite. Two dog skeletons in silly spacesuits. Gleaming dog skulls inside fishbowl helmets. They'll spin through the universe until they burn up in the atmosphere of an uncharted planet. Or get sucked into a black hole to be crushed into a ball of black matter no bigger than an ant turd. ~ Craig Davidson

Big as a horse turd floating in a milk shake.
Wyatt Dixson ~ James Lee Burke

Hey." Her host grabbed her by the back of the jacket and hauled her upright. "I'm not fishing you out again if you fall overboard."
Their eyes met. He wasn't kidding. "Not exactly a people person, are you?" she said.
He grimaced and released her. Tally turned back to the rail, oddly disconcerted by his touch, even through the jacket. She didn't lean as far out this time, but she strained to see in the growing darkness.
Tally suspected Arnaud's boat was probably Trevor Church's boat, and if that was the case, her father was not only going to be absolutely livid about the loss of property, he was also going to blow his stack if she didn't at least make an attempt to find Bouchard. Damn it.
"I'll pay you to help me find him," Tally said briskly, turning to face him.
An eyebrow rose. "Yeah? How much?"
"A thousand dollars." He didn't so much as blink at the offer. "Are you for real? Okay, two thousand."
"Only two? He couldn't've been very important to you."
She considered Bouchard a slimy turd, a necessary evil. On the other hand, the pirate wasn't going to risk his life and boat if he knew she felt that way. "Five? Ten? Twenty thousand? How much will it take?"
"How much you got on you?"
She held her arms out. "Not a whole hell of a lot. But I have traveler's checks back at-I'll buy your boat from you." She narrowed her eyes when he didn't answer. This was nuts. She was standing out here in the middle of a typhoon negotiating with ~ Cherry Adair

But just let me tell you something, son, a woman's love is like the morning dew, it's just as apt to settle on a horse turd as it is on a rose. So you better just get over it. ~ Larry McMurtry

You can't polish a turd. ~ Stephen King

Jerry Bruckheimer creates comedy, he just doesn't realize because he's a turd. ~ Trey Parker

Rowf's rump slid suddenly forward as smoothly as a turd from a healthy anus. ~ Richard Adams

Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day. ~ Harry Truman

I disliked them all immediately, sitting around acting clever and superior. They nullified each other. The worst thing for a writer is to know another writer, and worse than that, to know a number of writers. Like flies on the same turd. ~ Charles Bukowski

Drawing attention to Gretchen's weight was the sort of behavior my mother referred to as 'stirring the turd,' and I did it a lot that summer. ~ David Sedaris

Shoving the ends at him, I headed for the common. It wasn't far away: a green, tree-lined oasis, brightened with many seasonal varieties of Coca-Can discardus, Crisp-packetus-cheese-and-onionus, and the occasional, fragrant dog turd underfoot. ~ Elizabeth Young

They eat the sewage that floats on the surface of the mass culture, digest it, and then get creative diarrhea
all at once. The turd look and smell exactly alike, and we call them this year's fashions, hit shows, books, and movies. ~ John Varley

Life and literature is a question of what one thrills to, and further than that no man shall ever go without putting his foot in a turd. ~ Philip Larkin

Turd-eating son of a flying tortoise ~ Diana Gabaldon

The business friend did not recognize the sewerman, which was not surprising as the man's face was no more than a shining turd. ~ Elias Canetti

Do as she says, you wormfaced, crawling, sand-brained piece of lizard turd! ~ Frank Herbert

Nobody makes a turd like that and lives. ~ Mike Rowe

Miss Green can call a turd a rose if she wants, but that don't mean people's going to be lining up to smell it. ~ K. Martin Beckner

If Polity forces were to turn up here, then your king would have to respond, by which time the turd trajectory would be fanwards. ~ Neal Asher

Jeffrey Murdock is a colossal turd."
"Can I stitch that on a sampler and put it on Etsy?"
"Sure. ~ Cecilia London

What I'm going to do is pry every stinking tag off these f.ing chairs and make a f.ing collar and throw that cat right in Connor's puked-up face. Pale turd. ~ John Updike

Bubble gum on a turd, Madison! You're a tutti-frutti enforcer. I am a warden. Trust me, I know what I'm doing. ~ Rebecca Chastain

Everyone had taken their places, when I excused myself to visit the bathroom, and there, in the toilet, was the absolute biggest turd I have ever seen in my life - no toilet paper or anything, just this long and coiled specimen, as thick as a burrito. ~ David Sedaris

See things for what they are. Drop your blinders and raise the sewer to eye level. Admit that your swimming in shit. If you don't acknowledge the turd heading down the drain towards you; you can't dodge it. ~ Karen Marie Moning

She's about as sweet as a flaming turd. ~ James Patterson

Your mama musta had to take a double dose of laxatives to bring you into this world, ya lyin' little turd," he growled, fists clenching at his sides. ~ Amy Cook

Although to be fair, cherry picking isn't quite what we do. Cherries are sweet and delicious. What we do is more turd mining. And I'll thank you to give our work the respect it deserves! ~ Jon Stewart

I like to work with people who have a sense of putting a song over, and can sing in tune, and with passion. With technology you can polish a turd, but there's still no button you can press for passion. ~ Tony Visconti

Wherever nauseated time has dropped a nice fat turd you will find our patriots, sniffing it up on all fours, their faces on fire. ~ Samuel Beckett

Apparently, it was possible to polish a turd. ~ Liliana Hart

The worst thing for a writer is to know another writer, and worse than that, to know a number of other writers. Like flies on the same turd. ~ Charles Bukowski

The placement of a perfect perfumed turd passive-aggressive zinger is equal to the flush of an orgasm. It is sublime. ~ Angela Ricketts

A turd placed in the snow will become hard and significantly less odorous than its warm weather counterpart. This doesn't mean that it has ceased to be a turd. ~ P.J. Hetherhouse

Maybe my pussy wasn't good enough for him. You know what? Fuck you, you slutty, obnoxious, turd. My pussy is prime pussy. ~ K.M. Golland

Sometimes you lie, Forest. Sometimes its the right thing to do."
"I don't believe that, Ben."
"And why is that?"
"Because it always catches up with you."
"It doesn't, not always."
"It does."
"Bullshit."
"It's the truth, Ben."
"No, Forest, it's another kind of lie. If Lizzie draws you a picture of a catfish and it looks like a big hairy turd, what do you tell her? That it looks like shit? That you could draw a better fucking catfish with a crayon up your asshole? No, Forest, you tell her it's the most beautiful catfish you ever saw, don't you? Of course you do. Truth's a slippery slope sometimes. ~ Jonathan Evison

You could rub a dry turd with a whole can of linseed oil, after all, and all you'd end up with was mess of shiny shit. ~ Bruce Machart

...People stop, stare. No one stop and stare if one of your own beggars drop dead in street. No just step over him like he is a stone, or a dog turd and go away quickly. But when they see a white man with golden hair lying on the street, everyone stop, everyone cry, "Hai - hai, - poor boy, call doctor, call ambulance. What has happen, Farrokh-bhai?"..."

- Farrokh said to Baumgartner when he wanted to get rid of the reluctant, overly drugged homeless foreigner out of his restaurant. (Page 167) ~ Anita Desai

I always say to my religious friends, if a pool had even one turd in it, would you jump in? ~ Bill Maher

Why are you crying and laughing at the same time?" he demands.
Was I laughing? So many feelings are flooding my body that I don't know what to do with them.
I look at him haughtily. "You'd have to be human to understand, Joshua dick-sucking piece-of-crap Smith. And by the way? You're a liar, you little turd-breath asshole. You lied about nobody reporting me missing. You know why you had to lie? Because you're fucking weak!"
He lashes out and slaps me, and my ears ring, and I laugh and laugh, spiraling up into hysteria. "Oh my God. My God. Thank you for proving my point, wussy girl. I call you weak and it hurts your sad little feelings, and you respond like a puppet because I jerked your string. You just slapped a woman half your size who's chained to a bed! You're so brave, Joshua! Did that make you feel good about yourself? Are you going to come now?"
Just fucking kill me already. What do I have to say to push him over the edge? ~ Ginger Talbot

If it's not working you can't polish a turd. ~ Lee Unkrich

Even summarized, it sounded nuttier than a squirrel turd at a peanut festival. ~ Laura Kaye

Political correctness is a delusional subdivision of society that believes it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the "clean end. ~ Tom Kloza

I thought again of how Tobin had already killed five good people and was about to be the cause of two more dying. I couldn't believe that this little turd had actually caused all this death and misery. The only explanation I had for it was that short people with beady eyes and big appetites were ruthless and dangerous. ~ Nelson DeMille

And I wrote a story for private circulation, "Miss Lewis & the Giant Turd," about a painful bowel movement that began in class, as she was drilling us on prepositions. Suddenly she emitted a low scraping sound like a box of rocks being dragged across concrete--like a glacier moving!--and she let out an AIIIIEEEEEEE and bent over double and hobbled to the girls' room, where she fell to the floor and cried pitifully for the janitor, who rushed in with a plunger and tried to extract the fecal mass from her, but it was too immense, and then the fire department arrived and laid her over the sink and attached a suction pump, two men on either side of her skinny butt, working a lever, and they managed to suction the poop out of her, and when they were done, she weighed forty-five pounds. And she couldn't teach anymore, she just sat on her front step waving to passing cars.

This title passed from pupil to pupil, two grimy sheets of paper folded to pocket size.... The story found its way to Laura, Miss Lewis's pet, who handed it over to her, and she read it, thin-lipped, and tore it into tiny pieces and dropped them into the wastebacket. "This is so childish it doesn't bear talking about," she said. "It is beneath contempt. ~ Garrison Keillor

Car salespersons sell pieces of crap.
Politicians sell the whole turd.
Preachers sell the whole damn cistern! ~ Alan VanMeter

Someone posted a condom stuffed with dog turd through our letterbox this morning. Dumbledore got confused, bless him, and thought it was an exciting new chew toy. And that's the story of how we're going to have to get a new couch. ~ Laura Steven

I like incidents of that sort, when forces that are usually so sneaky and hard to point out slither out of the grass and are as obvious as, say, an anaconda that's eaten a cow or an elephant turd on the carpet. ~ Rebecca Solnit

If someone asked her just then what memory was, what the purest definition of memory was, she would say this: the street you were on when you first jumped in a pile of dead leaves. She was walking it right now. With every fresh crunch came the memory of previous crunches. She was permeated by familiar smells: wet woodchip and gravel around the base of the tree, newly laid turd underneath the cover of soggy leaves. She was moved by these sensations. ~ Zadie Smith

Charles Talent Manx the Third at your service, my dear! CEO of Christmasland Enterprises, director of Christmasland Entertainment, president of fun! Also His Eminence, the King Shit of Turd Hill, although it doesn't say that on my card. ~ Joe Hill

But where did this veneration of childbirth come from? I missed that meeting. Childbirth is wonderful, childbirth is a miracle. Wrong. It's no more a miracle than eating food and a turd coming out your ass. ~ Bill Hicks

If only I had met Molly sooner, when it was still possible to choose one road rather than another! Before that bitch Musyne and that little turd Lola crimped my enthusiasm! But it was too late to start being young again. I didn't believe in it any more! We grow old so quickly and, what's more, irremediably. You can tell by the way you start loving your misery in spite of yourself. Nature is stronger than we are, no two ways about it. She tries us in one particular mould, and we're never able to throw it off. I had started out as the restless type. Little by little, without realizing it, you begin to take your role and fate seriously, and, before you know it, it's too late to change. You're a hundred per cent restless, and it's set that way for good. ~ Louis Ferdinand Celine

Every single floorboard quivers and shudders under my feet, and I start mentally bargaining with the house: If I make it to the front door without waking up Aunt Carol, I swear to God I'll never slam another door. I'll never call you "an old piece of turd" again. ~ Lauren Oliver

He's the meanest one. We call him..Byrd the Turd ~ Marthe Jocelyn

How do two retards eat a turd sandwich? Well, not by first wiping their ass with wheat bread like I showed them. ~ Jarod Kintz

You're like a turd that won't flush. ~ Dennis Hopper

I forgot to mention," Father Christopher said, smiling seraphically at Sir Martin, "that I am also a priest. So let me offer you a blessing." He pulled out a golden crucifix that had been hidden beneath his shirt and held it toward Lord Slayton's men. "May the peace and love of our Lord Jesus Christ," he said, "comfort and sustain you while you take your farting mouths and your turd-reeking presence out of our sight." He waved a sketchy cross toward the horsemen. "And thus farewell. ~ Bernard Cornwell

You are but a hard turd in the ass of my journey. ~ David Liss

...some of it's how he acts like he's King Shit of Turd Mountain, but mostly it's that he's sneaky, and he likes to hurt ~ Stephen King

I was swimming with the turd sharks in an ocean made of piss ~ Sam Cheever

He's as smooth as a fresh-laid turd and gives off the same smell. ~ Ian Rankin

Sevro snorts. "What do you think I've been doing this whole time, you silky turd? Wanking off in the bushes?"
Cassius and I look at each other.
"Kind of," I say.
"Yeah, actually," Cassius agrees. ~ Pierce Brown

But I'm your brother." Daniel sounded genuinely wounded. "You," she announced, "are a turd in the punch bowl of life. ~ Gary Paulsen

If I find a cow turd on my front steps, I'm not satisfied knowing that I'll be mentally prepared to find some future cow turd. I want to shovel that turd onto my garden and hope the cow returns every week so I never have to buy fertilizer again.* ~ Scott Adams

or hit you in the turd hole by accident. ~ Debra Anastasia

Listen you little turd, don't tell me my business. It's not worth the risk," the Old Man snarled.
"But Green ... Yikes, that stings! ~ Judy Byington

Sir Gerald Moore: I was at dinner last evening, and halfway through the pudding, this four-year-old child came alone, dragging a little toy cart. And on the cart was a fresh turd. Her own, I suppose. The parents just shook their heads and smiled. I've made a big investment in you, Peter. Time and money, and it's not working. Now, I could just shake my head and smile. But in my house, when a turd appears, we throw it out. We dispose of it. We flush it away. We don't put it on the table and call it caviar. ~ Tom Wolfe

I was talking to my friend from New York yesterday, and I used the expression, 'You can't polish a turd'. He looked at me, disgusted, and said, 'No, you can't, but you can roll it in glitter'. He's a lovely guy but I wouldn't want to go to a craft fair with him ~ Steve Williams

Made up of corallitic accretions and painful increments, lit on rare occasions by bolts of revelation, and then stuffed behind the wainscotting to grope in the mouse-turd dust, art is the equivalent of athlete's foot, at best an exquisite itch, at worst an excuse to stop walking. On the emotional side, it is either masturbation with a hockey glove or a night beneath the sliding moon that shames Eros. ~ Harold Town

Raisins again. I like raisins, but I have a habit of losing one or two on the floor every time I eat them. I always find them later and think they are: a) a mouse turd or b) a cockroach. Then I figure out it's a raisin and sigh with relief. This pretty much happens every time I find a lost raisin. ~ Julie Halpern

Maybe I didn't try as hard as I ought when he started calling you
names. Serves him right, the nasty old turd. Punch him again, Moth - Peaseblossom ~ Lisa Mantchev

Patty is a shiny shorthaired black and tan Chihuahua, with a big apple dome head. She's got a judgmental narrowing to her eyes. I don't take it personally anymore, but sheesh, this dog looks at you like you're a steaming turd. It's just her face. She remembers me. What an honor to be stamped permanently in her tiny walnut brain. I pick her up and kiss her cheeks. ~ Sally Thorne

This party is turning out to be the turd-encrusted cherry on the top of my shit-shake of a day. ~ Jody Gehrman

I was like a turd that drew flies instead of like a flower that butterflies and bees desired. I wanted to live alone,I felt best being alone, cleaner,,, ~ Charles Bukowski