Christopher Titus Quotes

Nobody's really happy. And as soon as society realises that you can't trust anyone and that hardship is a natural part of existence, the sooner the therapists will realise that they are worthless! Sorry. They have worth deficit disorder!

All of Dad's relationships ended exactly the same: subpoena, beep of a moving van backing up the driveway, pile of his clothes burning on the front lawn.

Everyone has an enemy. It's why God gave us baseball bats. Well, He gave us trees, but we knew what He meant.

Satan called - he's changed the sheets, fluffed the pillows and laid out the complimentary chocolate. Hell is ready for John Edwards.

Texas is killing people in the 73rd trimester.

Everyone's a racist. It's the one thing that makes us all the same.

My dad also survived five divorces, and the women he married cleaned his ass out every time. I used to think my dad got divorced because he wanted new furniture. At one point in my life, all we had left was a wooden box, a 12 black-and-white TV, and a four-man rubber raft for a couch. And yet, I was the coolest kid in third grade. Mom, can we have a sleepover in Christopher Titus' house? They have a raft in the living room! We can row to breakfast in the morning. I can actually be Captain Crunch!

Benadryl - the seven-dollar babysitter.

We're looking for answers in a landfill instead of looking to people who bring the light.

My parents' divorce settlement involved a bar tab.

The most powerful person in your life is the one that knows all your secrets and all your lies.

I swore I would never get involved in my dad's life. But then he started blowing it. So I had to get involved, you know, but he's my dad, I can't send him to his room or ground him or go to his first grade play and scream, Look at the fairy! I was a wood nymph.

Vengeance, is good. You give it, you get it. It's all part of what makes us human. So thank god for vengeance. Otherwise, the human race might as well just roll over and let another species for a while. I think it will be the cats. Watch 'em. They're cooking up something.

Revenge is good. It's what separates us from the animals and the hippies.

Does anyone ever shudder with the crap that you pulled off and didn't die?

My first car was a 1977 Oldsmobile Delta 88. Ugly car. More ugly on this car than a Rolling Stones group photo.

Haiti fell over? Who built Haiti? Two of the three little pigs?!

Everybody's a racist. It's the one human trait that makes us all exactly the same. Deep down, we only like people who are exactly like us. And it doesn't matter. White. Black. Red. Yellow. Purple, uh oh, the purple people, are the worst. Man. All prejudiced and birth marky. But, we've got to learn to get past our differences. I learned that at the museum of tolerance. After my dad beat the crap out of a guy over a parking spot.

My mum is in a mental hospital. There's a fine line between genius and insanity. Winston Churchill, Mozart, John Lennon. These people all had a touch of crazy that fuelled their brilliance. They were not locked up for it like my mum. Pft. Then again, Winston Churchill never tried to kill my dad.

There's two approved methods for getting a pedicure for a guy. Number one, you use your own grinder or ... You have an eighteen year-old Vietnamese girl rub your feet and call you Joe and that's it!

I think our collective psychosis is hilarious. With the world moving as fast as it is, if we weren't dysfunctional, we couldn't function.

For me, the greatest hurdle to success has always been failure.

Normal people terrify me, because they haven't had enough problems in their life to know how to handle problems when they come up. Something little happens and they snap. But being from a disfunctional family means nothing rattles me. Hey once you've driven a drunken father to moms' parole hearing, what else is there?

We are brought into this world cold, weak, and helpless. Then it gets worse.

My mum was crazy. And her mum was crazy. And her mum's mum was crazy. Is it my turn? Am I going to live the rest of my life giggling at raindrops, wearing paper slippers? When I go to dinner with friends should I not use a fork 'cause I just might snap? Hey, you guys look great. How's the baby?

My parents got divorced. Early and ugly. My mum was nuts so I lived with my dad. We used to play a father/son games. Pin the blame on me, rock, paper, get me another beer, casino night.

There's one in every family. When the police calls in the middle of the night and says We've got a family members of yours under arrest and you know directly who it is. In my family we have seven of those ... And they are all my Mom!

I have been accused of sleeping with people, I hadn't met yet.

I say we spend some money, clean up some junkies and make them all go work for the Red Cross. You ever give blood to the Red Cross? Little paper hatted trainee kid, just sticking you full of holes. Golly, jeez, this is way harder than the deep fryer, how does this work? You get an ex-junkie in there, bap-bap, he's gonna find a vein. You're in, you're out, you got sugar cookie and you're happy!

When you screw up, you got to pay the price. Shoot up a supermarket, you go to jail. Ride a motorcycle without a helmet, permanent brain damage and in California you're getting a ticket. Too chatty on a date with my dad, well, he'll push you in front of a cross town bus. Of course, you know, I'm speaking metaphorically. My dad will push you in front of any bus.

I don't believe in right or left; I don't believe in Santa or Satan. I believe in things I can touch - like vodka and Oreos.

The government favors the most diplomatic language. That's why any letter to them should always start with, "Dear turkeys and foul maggots ... "

I'm glad I was raised by my dad for other reasons, too. There are things you can learn from a father, as a son, that you can never learn from Mom. Special things, important things. Like never challenge Dad to a fist fight.

Here's the thing: If you're so far left you actually believe that somebody owes you a job, citizenship and a heart transplant, you're mentally ill. If you're so far right that you actually believe that somebody who doesn't have a job and is not a citizen deserves to have their heart cut out and sold on eBay, and you get to keep 80 percent of the profit - you're mentally ill.

We don't have home movies in my family. We have people's exhibit A.

I think when you sit alone with your brain too much, your own brain starts to rebel against you.

I gave my father a heart attack. It was a practical joke. Come on, you push a guy's face in a cake he's got to clean it off. You hit a guy with a water balloon, he's got to dry off. Guy's in the hospital, you get his testicles shaved, he scratches and bleeds for a week ... it's funny ... you're not supposed to have a heart attack, it kills the joke.

Everybody I've ever met was destroyed by a member of the opposite sex early on and that damage you took into every relationship after that, everybody. Every woman in here got intimidated by a guy, pushed around too much, now you're new boyfriend tickles you a little too hard, boom restraining order. Every guy here had a woman sleep with his best friend, now your new girlfriend hugs your cousin a little long, boom car bomb.

The only thing that ever made me want to be a wife-beater is being called one. Your honor, can I have five minutes to make her not a liar, please?

At the millennium we partied like it was 1999. And then we had a 10 year bathtub tequila hangover, man. Just hugging the metaphorical toilet on a daily basis.

I have a dream. With that one sentence, Martin Luther King touched and empowered an entire nation. You know what else he did? He made everybody else without dreams feel real bad.

The only way to tell my Dad something is to write it on a note, and tie it to a brick, and throw it through a window. Of course, now Dad's armed with a brick.

The normal make a living. The deranged make history.

My father? A hard drinking man from the 70's. We actually have no pictures of my dad where he is not holding a beer. Weddings, Funerals, Water Skiing, Parent-Teacher Conference. When I got sick around him as a kid growing up, he'd always warm me up a shot of 100 proof whiskey. Never got sick ... that I can remember.

To be successful in life, there are many hurdles you have to get over. For me, the biggest hurdle to success has always been failure. But, growing up, my Dad was always positive ... that I'd never amount to anything.

Get off your ass and do something. All you need is the right inspiration. Anger has fueled me my entire life. It makes me feel good and ... I'm okay with that. My fear is that my anger will one day make me so damned successful that I'll actually be happy. And then I'll just stop.

The towers fell, and the first thing that went through my head was my dad's voice: 'Well, you brought a new life into the world, and the world's over. Nice timing, numbnuts!

You don't get a rebate at the end of your life for living with an idiot.

My dad's all I've ever had. When I was 3 and 4, my mom used to take me to bars. I understand why now - babysitters cost beer, beer and-a-half an hour.

I can't stop some idiot from crashing into a building or blowing up a bus, I can only be your dad and give you a few pure truths. Number one, duct tape will save your life. Number two, Tupac is alive, but I need you to keep that on the DL because of Suge. And number three, don't be afraid of anything - except the television news because they're lying to you every night.

And people get so weird about mental illness, you follow the rules! You don't up a heart patient on a roller coaster, you don't put a mental patient on a hunting trip with you!

A salamander can grow a new tail in three weeks. My dad can score new tail in three minutes.

The Times Square Incident wasn't a terrorist attack, it was a Jim Carrey movie. The terrorist locked the keys to the safe house he was going to escape to in the carbomb. And I love that he locked the carbomb. Nobody's getting my Ipod. Then he left the keys to carbomb hanging out of the tailgate of the carbomb, and built the carbomb out of fertilizer that wouldn't explode. I have been doing comedy for 25 years and I have never been that funny.

If you want to do something dangerous ... Don't tell your girlfriend!

Bad news has never been broken gently in my family. Because, breaking it gently takes a few extra seconds. And who's got that kinda time? Hey, we maybe failures, but we are very busy.

Valentines Day is a day we celebrate real love. A love so strong that two hearts become one. Yeah, when you're happy, she's happy. And when you're angry, she's angry. And when you start wallowing in self-pity because your hotrod shop tanks and everybody's against you so you start drinking. And then she moves out and goes and lives with her parents, pfft. Or was that the day after Valentines Day? Doesn't matter. I'll go get another one just like her.

Being a parent is a life sentence. You see, that's why normal people should not have children. Because, if you raise a kid with only love and support, I guarantee that kid will be in rehab by the time he is sixteen. Why ? Because you never introduced him to mister back-of-your-hand. You know why I only broke into a liquor store once ? 'Cos my father introduced me to mister back-of-his-hand. And it's wiley side-kick. Mister foot-in-my-ass.

Osama's dead. Why is the terror alert elevated or imminent? Why not chill? Can't I just fly, keep my shoes on and avoid X-ray-fueled testicular cancer?

Step up or step aside.

Sometimes, to help someone you love, you have to commit a felony. But, you don't want to go to prison for that. Hey, dude, what are you in for? Armed robbery? Murder? And then, you have to say, Love. And, that's definitely going to get you, you know, picked last for prison kick ball.

I have pictures of my daughter, in the hospital, at three seconds, six seconds, nine seconds, and then fifteen seconds, 'cause dumbass couldn't get the camera ready fast enough. Yeah, ha ha ha. She wrote that in the photo album.

I believe life is about balance. My mom was brilliant, yet manipulative. Beautiful, but had more voices in her head than the Wu-Tang Clan. Loves her kids, killed her last husband. I say last husband because you don't get another one after that.

My mom shot and killed her last husband. Yeah, my dad used to say Hey, dodged that bullet. Ha ha.

Being a teenager is the worst thirty years of your life. But it all changes after that. You get a great car, a great job. You got a wife, kids, you got your health. But then your company is sold out from under you, your stocks tank, your wife's sleeping with the gardener and your teenage daughter is pregnant. And you notice that you have a prostate so hard, you can actually take a hammer to it. But hey, not one zit.

Osama Bin Laden is dead? Oh my God, that was so easy! And it only took two trillion dollars, two wars and too many good men.

How far would you go for someone you love ? I heard this story, about this woman, who actually lifted a car off of her baby. 'Course I would have said, Dude! Back up. But, wasn't my kid. When I was born, if I'd have known all the stuff my dad was going to do for me, I'd have crawled right back in.

My dad invented road rage. He wasn't the first guy to get mad in the car, but he was first guy to get mad enough to make the paper.

I don't fail. I succeed at finding out what doesn't work.

I do not need help destroying my relationship. I was raised by my father. I've completed a thirty-year seminar on the power of destroying relationships.

I find that Americans are all in the middle somewhere, except for the extreme nuts, and extreme nuts on both sides are the loudest. And that's why it feels like we are polarized.

When you're born, you're pure. Unspoiled and trusting. Some say, it's the only time we're perfect. You're also born covered in blood and placenta. No one gets nostalgic about that.

A lie is a lie ... unless your friends and family are in on it. Then it's a commonly held belief.

I had a real job at fourteen years old. At seventeen, I was on my own. At twenty, I cut the liver out of a drifter and gave it to my father! 'Cause my dad's a drinker and I love my dad. And for eighty bucks, you can do anything in Mexico!

My father, never chooses me for anything. Unless he needs a human shield. Thirty years and all I am to him is a hunk of meat to block buck shot. Told you dad needed me. Who's the best man now?

In my family, goodness is just badness before its had something to drink.

Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear the day their parents kill. My mum killed a guy, at my wedding. So I can pretty much check that off. But, she's my mum. And no matter what she did I just can't walk away from her. She gave me birth. She gave me love. She gave me the ability to make a cigarette fire look like it was started by the hot water heater.

Fathers and sons are natural enemies. Look at any species. Shark, sees his father in the water, he's not thinking, Hey dad, wassup ? He's thinking, Back off, old man, this surfer carcass is mine. Of course, when his girlfriend swims up and she's like, Way, you know, there's enough surfer for everybody. You and your dad need to frenzy together more. Leave you father a thigh.

Oh yeah, I'm mentally screwed up for life. But I look good.

Sisters ruin everything. It's in their job description.

Born free. Taxed to death.

Thanksgiving is a holiday that brought together two different cultures. The pilgrims came here with the best intentions. They decided to flee an oppressive people and move to a new land. Where they thrived. And became an oppressive people. You get certain people on the same continent, there's going to be a problem. Pilgrims and Indians. Protestants, Catholics. My family, anybody else's family.

Sometimes, to help the people you love, you've gotta commit a felony.

If you're a racist, right now, in 2011 ... You just look like a retard, man.

Lady, if you laugh and you don't make a noise, you're a shaker, and it's freaking me out.

You know what, man? I am going to literally - if (Palin) gets elected president, I am going to hang out on the grassy knoll all the time, just loaded and ready - because you know what? It's for my country. It's for my country. If I got to sacrifice myself, it's for my country.

I love being from a screwed up family. We have everything in my family: prescription drug abuse, mental illness, one of my uncles is a Mormon.

I am a patriot, and I protest speed limits by exceeding them.

My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer If I should die before I wake? I had sheets that said that!

My dad got divorced six times. Well, he actually only got divorced five times. He wouldn't divorce the sixth one 'cause he said he didn't want people to think he couldn't commit. I don't want people not taking me serious. Dad, your last marriage was performed in Reno by an ordained lesbian Elvis impersonator. Who you hit on.

This country you're sitting in right now was not built on love, hugs, time-outs and trophies you didn't earn. This country was built on shame, humiliation and striving to be better. By the way, if you're in this room right now and you're successful ... you didn't get there because someone loved you too much or gave you too many hugs or you got a trophy when you lost. You did it because at one point in your life, somebody turned to you and said you're a loser, and in that second, you decided to bust your ass to make them choke on that sentence ... Or, your parents gave you the money.

The Los Angeles Times reported that sixty-three percent of American families are now considered dysfunctional. Good. 'Cause that means when Armageddon really happens, thirty-seven percent of this population is going to lose their minds. Oh my God, the world is over! Us sixty-three percent? We're going to go, Hey ... there's no one watching the Lexus dealership! We're going to the Apocalypse with leather and a CD changer! You guys have been great. Thank you.

Why should I learn English? I'm never going to England. Shah, pffff, ur, doy.

My dad's full of encouragement and support. It just feels like abandonment and neglect.

Take the time to smell the roses. Sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee and die.

Blood doesn't make you family. Hell, an only child can bleed. It's the sharing of pain that makes you family. 'Cause, you can't really love a brother or sister until you know that they're as scarred and broken as you are. And, hey, if you grow up with a father like mine and you aren't at least a little scarred and broken, well then, that's not your father. You were spawned by an entirely different guy.

Participation trophies are the soul herpes of a generation.

Hey! D'you guys hear Dr. Atkins died? Slipped on some ice, hit his head, died on life support. The man who invented the all-meat diet ... died a vegetable. That's a damn good joke. But that joke's like a Toyota Camry - reliable, not inspiring.

Divorce is just about change, you know. It's God saying, You need a change. And I'm going to make it so your bank account only has change.

I don't tell people I'm white anymore - I'm albino-Cambodian.

My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on ... parole. And lithium.