Humor Men Quotes

After a few days, I mused, I would have no trouble. Whoever heard of a revolution of fat men? ~ Louis L'Amour

A guy approached her, beer bottle in one hand, smiling at her in that way guys do when they think they're good- looking enough to smile and get anything they want. "My friend and I were just talking about what a sausage fest this was, and then you came in." He ran his appraising gaze down her body, lingering on the V of her neckline.
Faith crossed her arms. "That works out, because I'm here for a weenie roast.
He put a protective hand over his package - probably without realizing he was doing it - but his smile widened. ~ Cindi Madsen

You have a minute and a half left."
"Fine," she snapped. "Then I'll reduce this conversation to one single fact. Today I had six callers. Six! Can you recall the last time I had six callers?"
Anthony just stared at her blankly.
"I can't," Daphne continued, in fine form now. "Because it has never happened. Six men marched up our steps, knocked on our door, and gave Humboldt their cards. Six men brought me flowers, engaged me in conversation, and one even recited poetry."
Simon winced.
"And do you know why?" she demanded, her voice rising dangerously. "Do you?"
Anthony, in his somewhat belatedly arrived wisdom, held his tongue.
"It is all because he" - she jabbed her forefinger toward Simon - "was kind enough to feign interest in me last night at Lady Danbury's ball. ~ Julia Quinn

It's important for young men and women who look at the Nebraska champs to understand that quality of life is more than just blocking shots. ~ George W. Bush

Quaint and picturesque, though I didn't voice my opinion out loud. Keirran and Annwyl were faeries, and Kenzie was a girl, so it was okay for them to notice such things. as a card-carrying guy club, I wasn't going to comment on the floral arrangements. ~ Julie Kagawa

I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "Oh, no, man, I juggle." ~ Mitch Hedberg

A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road. ~ Tommy Cooper

I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide.. ~ Mitch Hedberg

Y'know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations, like sitting on frozen peas after a vasectomy ~ Josh Stern

Emerson has what I believe is called a selective memory. He can recall minute details of particular excavations but is likely to forget where he left his hat. ~ Elizabeth Peters

If I was a locksmith, I'd be pimping that out man. I'll trade you a free key duplication for. That joke made me laugh before I could finish it, which is good, because it had no ending. ~ Mitch Hedberg

The bar was bursting with guys tonight - seriously, it was like Muscles R Us up in here, all filled-out chests and bulging arms with biceps upon biceps. ~ Cindi Madsen

Can I have a glass of water?" Her voice was hoarse, probably from screaming. She'd always sounded like that after they'd-

He didn't just force the thought aside. He clubbed it unconscious, threw it into a crawl space and walled it up alive. ~ Jenny Trout

A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!" ~ Henny Youngman

It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells ... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin. ~ Dave Barry

Whole phases of comedy have become empty; the comic rejoinder has become every man's tool. ~ Constance Rourke

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?" ~ Tommy Cooper

Yes, he is a man, so genetically he's engineered to be dense about many things, but he's not stupid. ~ Katie MacAlister

Men
They hail you as their morning star
Because you are the way you are.
If you return the sentiment,
They'll try to make you different;
And once they have you, safe and sound,
They want to change you all around.
Your moods and ways they put a curse on;
They'd make of you another person.
They cannot let you go your gait;
They influence and educate.
They'd alter all that they admired.
They make me sick, they make me tired. ~ Dorothy Parker

A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife." ~ Frank Carson

He had threatened my parents. I had to remember that. Still, it was really hard to stay mad at a wounded naked man. ~ Darynda Jones

Men, she decided, were a strange, thick-skulled, ball-kicking species no one on earth could have a sensible conversation with. ~ Irma Joubert

Last month she'd read that a man's connective tissue aligned horizontally with the skin, whereas a female's went perpendicular - which was why women got lumpy cellulite and men didn't. And doesn't that totally prove that God is male? ~ Cherise Sinclair

Men's happiness and misery depends altogether as much upon their own humor as it does upon fortune. ~ Francois De La Rochefoucauld

When I opened my case in the hotel, he gestured excitedly at my snakeskin sandals, turquoise suede wedges and silver-speckled jellies. "But you've loads of shoes," he bellowed joyfully. I shook my head sadly. Men just don't get it, do they? They're definitely missing the shoe chromosome. ~ Marian Keyes

A study in the Washington Post says that women have
better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the
authors of that study: 'Duh. ~ Conan O'Brien

If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season. ~ Rita Rudner

I love that magazine, man - Victoria's Secret - and it comes, like, every three hours. ~ Adam Ferrara

You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? Because on Jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants. ~ Dave Attell

That man is good who does good to others; if he suffers on account of the good he does, he is very good; if he suffers at the hands of those to whom he has done good, then his goodness is so great that it could be enhanced only by greater sufferings; and if he should die at their hands, his virtue can go no further: it is heroic, it is perfect ~ Jean De La Bruyere

I like the idea of being the funny guy in the dramatic thing, playing a hit man with a weird sense of humor. ~ Anthony Jeselnik

I had a box of Ritz crackers, and on the back of the box, they had all these suggestions for what to put on top of the Ritz. Try it with cheese. Try it with peanut butter. Come on, man, they're crackers, that's why I got them. I like crackers! I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates! ~ Mitch Hedberg

Even men of the noblest possible moral character are extremely susceptible to the influence of the physical charms of others. Modern, no less then Ancient History, supplies us with many most painful examples of what I refer to. If it were not so, indeed, History would be quite unreadable. ~ Oscar Wilde

Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore. ~ Rita Rudner

Well," Lynx said once the man was dead. "That was…uneventful."
"You're as fickle as an old woman," Zeus told Lynx. "One minute too much carnage, the next not enough. ~ Shay Rucker

Penn is the brains behind this event. On behalf of my brothers, and all of the kids in the program, I'd like to say thank you." Neil winked. "It seems that the four of us just can't function without a strong, focused woman telling us what to do. ~ Gina Gordon

Harris, as he occasionally explains to George and to myself, has daughters of his own, or, to speak more correctly, a daughter, who as the years progress will no doubt cease practising catherine wheels in the front garden , and will grow up into a beautiful and respectable young lady. This naturally gives Harris an interest in all beautiful girls up to the age of thirty-five or thereabouts; they remind him, so he says, of home. ~ Jerome K. Jerome

Men only treat women like princesses when they want to use them like prostitutes. ~ Bauvard

Both men accepted that the nature of the request, its intimacy and self-conscious reflection on their friendship, had created, for the moment, an uncomfortable emotional proximity which was best dealt with by their parting without another word. ~ Ian McEwan

All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals. ~ Rita Rudner

The man who is truly good and wise will bear with dignity whatever fortune sends, and will always make the best of his circumstances. ~ Aristotle.

People think I'm into sports because I'm a man. But I'm not into sports. I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes. By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and play basketball to enjoy Gatorade. You can just be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic! ~ Mitch Hedberg

The manlier you are, the harder it is to understand what a woman wants: there is not a hint of female brain in you. ~ Criss Jami

Ridicule is generally made use of to laugh men out of virtue and good sense, by attacking everything praiseworthy in human life. ~ Joseph Addison

A woman has to look good, but a man - a little bit nicer looking than a monkey is enough. ~ Meir Shalev

I try to make my comments like a woman's skirt: long enough to be respectable and short enough to be interesting. ~ Adam Clayton Powell III

He then departed, to make himself still more interesting, in the midst of an heavy rain. ~ Jane Austen

You're a fool," Quinhelm accused. "Any man who would allow himself to be bewitched by a woman needs a good dunking in a cold barrel of water." (Quinhelm, the wizard, from BRIGGEN) ~ Ann B. Keller

I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is. ~ Mitch Hedberg

I grunted. It's something I picked up over a fifteen-year career in law enforcement. Men have managed to create a complex and utterly impenetrable secret language consisting of monosyllabic sounds and partial words - and they are apparently too thick to realize it exists. Maybe they really are from Mars. I'd been able to learn a few Martian phrases over time, and one of the useful ones was the grunt that meant I acknowledge that I've heard what you said; please continue. ~ Jim Butcher

No, no. Don't make that face. Every time I propose to you, you make that twisty, unhappy face. It wears on a man's confidence. ~ Tessa Dare

[ ... ] I have a date this afternoon."
"Oh, Lord." Jake closed his eyes. "Who are you going to destroy now?"
"I beg your pardon?"
"The hotel would appreciate it if you'd just throw back the men you don't like without maiming them."
"I haven't maimed anyone."
"You almost drowned Lance, you scared Peter into heart palpitations, you stabbed Donald with a fork, and you hit Brad over the head with a bottle." Jake shook his head. "And they still ask you out. ~ Jennifer Crusie

All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names. ~ Rita Rudner

'It's not you, it's me.'
'Oh God. That's exactly what my last three boyfriends said when they dumped me. Is it in the Y-Chromosome User's Manual or something?'
He grinned. 'On page five. But, you know, don't tell anyone I told you.' ~ Kim Fielding

But what's the use of arguing with a man? You belong, Mr. Smith, to a sex devoid of a sense of logic. To bring a man into line, there are just two methods: one must either coax or be disagreeable. I scorn to coax men for what I wish. Therefore, I must be disagreeable. ~ Jean Webster

Men ought to find the difference between saltiness and bitterness. Certainly, he that hath a satirical vein, as he maketh others afraid of his wit, so he had need be afraid of others' memory. ~ Francis Bacon

In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him, "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!" ~ Henny Youngman

A romantic man often feels more uplifted with two women than with one: his love seems to hit the ideal mark somewhere between two different faces. ~ Elizabeth Bowen

Men are happy to be laughed at for their humor, but not for their folly. ~ Jonathan Swift

Guns, she was reminded then, were not for girls. They were for boys. They were invented by boys. They were invented by boys who had never gotten over their disappointment that accompanying their own orgasm there wasn't a big boom sound. ~ Lorrie Moore

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!" ~ Henny Youngman

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer." ~ Rodney Dangerfield

Of course, no man is entirely in his right mind at any time. ~ Mark Twain

Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem! ~ Frankie Boyle

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms" ~ Tommy Cooper

Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps. ~ Rita Rudner

That's just something instinctual within men. We always feel like we've got to protect our stuff. Even if it's not worth protecting, we want to protect it. You ever seen people who have like a piece of crap Pinto with a Club on the steering wheel. Somebody breaks the window, steals the Club, leaves the Pinto in a pile of glass. ~ Jeff Foxworthy

I asked a Jewish man, "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said, "Yes", and walked away. ~ Henny Youngman

Did you take Joyce's engine?'
'My instructions were to disable the car, but one of the men bet Hal a burger he couldn't get the engine out. So Hal removed the engine. ~ Janet Evanovich

Nothing reveals a man's character better than the kind of joke at which he takes offense. ~ Georg C. Lichtenberg

I'm fairly certain that, at this very minute, the [Mars Polar Lander] is floating somewhere around the Neptune feeling tired and cranky and looking for a Holiday Inn.
Of course, you'd have to have a heart of titanium not to feel a twinge of sadness while watching those dejected NASA scientiest waiting by the phone like the class wallflower on prom week.
On the other hand, it was kind of fun to watch a bunch of men waiting by the phone and seeing how they feel when someone promises they'll call and then YOU NEVER HEAR FROM HIM AGAIN. ~ Celia Rivenbark

You know, I'm not even sure how we ended up living together."
"I am," Jake said, turning back to the lake. "Sex. It's a powerful force, my boy, and women use it."
"Is that why you gave them up?" Will asked, sympathetically. "Did paranoia drive you to celibacy? ~ Jennifer Crusie

(On differences between men and boys) Men know what they want. Men make concrete plans. Men own alarm clocks. Men sleep on a mattress that isn't on the floor. Men tip generously. Men buy new shampoo instead of adding water to a nearly empty bottle of shampoo. Men go to the dentist. Men make reservations. Men go in for a kiss without giving you some long preamble about how they're thinking of kissing you. Men wear clothes that have never been worn by anyone else before. ~ Mindy Kaling

Yes, men are pigs. Except your brother, of course. He's actually a decent human being. Almost a woman.
-Jillian's mother ~ Gena Showalter

In other words, he looked like uniformed police hotness, and she wasn't entirely uninterested in being cuffed. Wait. That's a bad thought. I don't mean it. She took him in again, her throat suddenly dry. Well, she didn't exactly not mean it, but she knew better than to want it. ~ Cindi Madsen

Men live by intervals of reason under the sovereignty of humor and passion. ~ Thomas Browne

I happen to be immature, undisciplined, and self-centered, pretty much a little boy in a man's body, although I'd appreciate it if you didn't quote me on that.
-Bobby Tom ~ Susan Elizabeth Phillips

Earrings are like orgasms. You can never have too many."
" I never thought about it quite that way."
Well, you're a man. " She gave his knee a friendly pat. ~ Nora Roberts

Jake ignored him and went on. "If I ever do hook up with anybody again - and I sincerely doubt that I will, so wipe that hopeful look off your face - it will be with someone who thinks that being with somebody who mows lawns is her idea of heaven on earth and who will do exactly what I tell her to do and love it."
"I think Donna Reed is dead," Will said. ~ Jennifer Crusie

Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on witchcraft were written by men. ~ Neil Gaiman

I don't think Harry cares about being forgiven," Poppy said glumly.
"Of course he does. Men love to be forgiven. It makes us feel better about our inability to learn from our mistakes. ~ Lisa Kleypas

The words, I love you, are empty without clarification. Women prefer to be told what they can expect. It is measurable like a Weight Watcher's diet, with extra points at the end of the week if you don't cheat. ~ Shannon L. Alder

My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down. ~ Anthony Jeselnik

I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!" ~ Jimmy Carr

Chocolate, coffee, and ice cream were far more reliable when it came to providing a good time, and at least they would never disappoint me. ~ Keri Arthur

Macho does not prove mucho. ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

Lone women shouldn't stop in the middle of nowhere for giant unkempt strangers with duct tape on their faces. ~ Lee Child

I do believe that on a whole, women are definitely smarter than men ... I also believe that dogs are smarter than women. No? That one, you don't believe it? You believe that I didn't do a series of tests? You are right to not believe it, because I'm going to go ahead and admit that I do not believe what I just said, it was what's described as a 'joke.' Um, I'll be telling a bunch of them here tonight. ~ David Cross

I'm walking out my door to get like a Snapple, and someone's like 'yo man, you want to buy some heroin?' 'No ... got any Snapple?' ~ Mike Birbiglia

That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men ~ Bill Engvall

Comedy is a man in trouble. And without it, there's no humor. ~ Jerry Lewis

Apparently profanity had a way of making men listen. ~ Megan Shepherd

Being a man given to oratory and high principles, he enjoyed the sound of his own vocabulary and the warmth of his own virtue. ~ Sinclair Lewis

To this day, I've found that it doesn't matter what a guy looks like if he's really funny. His sense of humor makes him attractive. On the other hand, you don't hear men saying, 'No she's not pretty, but is she ever funny!' ~ Catherine O'Hara

A friend gave me a drug for attention deficit disorder, because he's afflicted, but I'm not. So what happened to me is I suddenly had an extra-long attention span. People would tell me a story, and it would end, and I'd get all mad. "Come on, man, there has to be more to that story." ~ Mitch Hedberg

And ah for a man to arise in me, That the man I am may cease to be! ~ Alfred Lord Tennyson

The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly. ~ Jimmy Carr

I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back. ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

At twenty years old, Michael had vague plans to make changes in his life, but turning blue whilst stood in a walk-in bath in an old people's home wasn't one of them. Usually boys of his age might consider changes along the lines of smoking less grass at home, at college or at work, to be a good idea. Or maybe spending less time on that solitary pursuit common to men of his age across the globe. Enjoyable though he found it, he was going to cut back on the procrastination, but that was going to have to wait. ~ Dylan Perry

I couldn't have invented crisps ... I don't really want to be known as the man who invented crisps ... I invented apples ... I invented pandas, and caps. I invented soil. ~ Noel Fielding