Noel Fielding Quotes

In comedy, you see yourself as a newcomer and then you realize you've been doing it for 18, 20 years, which is ridiculous.

I find it depressing that people think you have to be on drugs to watch [my stuff], that's a cop out, use your brain, use your imagination.

I don't hate Coldplay to be cool I genuinely hate Coldplay.

When I was 13 I told my dad I'd rather kill myself than do an ordinary job. He vaguely muttered something about how I'd need to earn a living somehow, but he's been totally behind me, forking out money he didn't really have to send me to university. Every other comedian I've met had to fight their parents to be allowed to do this but mine have been brilliant.

Imagine that, a poncho sombrero combo, I'll be off my tits on happiness.

Last time you bring me pie, I cut into it, with my tiny pie cutter, and millions of birds flew out hitting me in the eyes and the temples ... it was a trick pie!

I'm going to name drop like an idiot now, but Bono rang me up once, right? I don't know how he got my number, but I, ever so stupidly, and obviously thought it was one of my mates mocking about. So I was like, "Yeah, whatever." And it was him, but I even went to him, "That's not even a good Irish accent!"

I'd like to punch out a really old lady. There'd be no repercussions.

If you're going to be a good standup, or a successful standup, or a standup who can work for money, you have to eliminate the possibility of dying quickly.

When you're quite young, your imagination's quite free.

When I was a little kid I always wanted to be ginger. My best friend was ginger and he was pretty cool.

When I'm 70 I might be a man in a park just wandering around, speaking in tongues with kids throwing bread at me.

Never try and go on a solo mission on your own.

When you start, it's not to do with the material so much. It's more to do with how you can control a crowd and make friends with an audience and sell your brand of humor.

When I was a little kid I wanted to be Face. I thought, cos I had blond hair and he did too, that when I grew up I'd look like him.

I think I should be in a film called 'Space Shrews'. Where I go to space. With a load of shrews. And nothing really happens. We just get out and have a lolly and then come back. But it'll be a musical the ship will be built out of my own hair.

I've got it all in here ultra violets, flying saucers, strawberry bootlace come on get involved..

When I was three or four, I was really good at drawing and painting, and everyone used to say, "You're going to go to art college." I didn't really know what that meant.

When I was 14, I saw someone getting their face and wrists slashed with a knife in a pub in Catford. Nobody lifted a finger. That's when I realised that violence wasn't funny. At all.

You can't just go gay, its not like buying a ladder.

I did work in a bakery for one day. But the boss went off and when he came back I was lying on the floor eating cakes.

Richmond- Heres a question who in here would eat a spider? I would

Things are different in the fantasy world
Towels are different in the fantasy world
Shows are different in the fantasy world
Dancing's different in the fantasy world
Unicorns No, they're the same
Everything's different in the fantasy world

My mum and dad are both really funny. My granddad's really funny, my uncle's really funny, everyone's really funny. You have to be quick, otherwise you get roasted. Everyone takes the piss quite a lot. You have to be really sharp.

I don't pick stuff up I knock stuff down!

You know the black bits in bananas? Are they tarantulas eggs?

When you're a kid and someone's an artist, you think of Leonardo da Vinci. You don't think that's a job; you just think of a man with a beard painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.

I never did that badly with women when I wasn't on telly, but it's a bit out of control now. Women try it on with me more than I'm comfortable with. It's strange, because I think I look like a troll wearing a woman's wig backwards.

We got everythin' we need here. We got Baileys, creamy, and, um ... everythin' good. I'll get ya another Baileys

When you're famous you can't go to Topshop. Even when I disguise myself in a moustache, baseball cap, sunglasses - the full Madonna kit - it doesn't work: my stupid face is too big

This my friends is an outrage

Some people have a fear of being on stage. I have a fear of coming off it.

I always wanted to travel around and see lots of America, I'd never been to Boston, I'd never been to San Francisco even, so I'm quite excited to just go the places.

It's very difficult once you've been on telly because people know what you do. They give you a little bit of grace but then they're harsher if you're not funny, so you have to be funny.

You must have stuck a finger up your arse at least once.

I'm a mischievous drunk.

I couldn't have invented crisps ... I don't really want to be known as the man who invented crisps ... I invented apples ... I invented pandas, and caps. I invented soil.

Reality depresses me. I need to find fantasy worlds and escape in them.

I could get an audience into my world and if you can do that, they'll go with you not all the way, but a lot of the way.

When I was a really young child, I felt like I could see fairies. I was convinced there were fairies in my grandmother's garden.

I've had a really weird day, some joker threw bamboo in the penguin enclosure. They all vaulted out. It was a nightmare, it took me all morning to get them back in.

No means yes in grasshopper language.

I don't think I'd have done comedy if I was born eighty years ago I'd have been a lord. Shooting people that were on my land With a wig, yeah. And some crisps.

I'd have to do unannounced gigs because your fans will laugh at everything because they know what you do already. What you really want is a neutral audience that isn't too harsh - a good comedy crowd - but that don't know necessarily what you're doing.

There's something amazing about tea. It's good before a meal, after a meal, when drunk, when taking drugs, while playing football and after being called a poof in the street.