Jimmy Carr Quotes

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"

It's so clear cut with a comedian - you have that reflex action, whereby you laugh or you don't. And so you either love us or you simply cannot see why people are laughing.

It had to be hammered home quite a bit because I didn't see any humour in my life at all.

Women were quite terrifying until I was older. I think that's partly down to confidence.

The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.

I love those people who do story-telling and who ramble on, but I don't do that, I tell jokes - the sort of jokes that anyone really could tell in the pub.

When I travel, I get lovesick. Well, they call it chlamydia.

If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea ... you never get that tea.

Throwing acid is wrong ... in some people's eyes.

If I'm at home for the weekend - and that is almost never - I tend to get twitchy at about eight o'clock in the evening because my body clock is timed to go on stage. I don't know what to do with myself.

It is such a social thing, laughing. Two thousand people in a room laughing is such a great buzz and they tend to laugh much more in a group.

As soon as I did my first five minutes of stand-up I knew that I would rather be a failure at comedy than a success in marketing.

Boxers don't have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other ...

You go, well you can't joke about race. Well if you're from a different race and that's your experience of the world and you want to talk about that, then fine. Or you can't talk about disability, but disabled comics can talk about that.

I was in love with the idea of being in love with a woman way before I was actually in love with one.

I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it

When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.

I like to write a joke without any fat on it. The shorter the better. I cater for people with ADD, basically.

Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with 'I can't talk now, I'm going into a tunnel'.

I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian ...

I don't think it's any coincidence that I lost my religious faith and 'manned up' in the same year. I was described somewhere as a lapsed Catholic, which is funny because I'm not going back! I want to achieve things rather than live life in an animalistic way.

I think that comedians, more than any other type of celebrity, have to keep their humour and keep their feet on the ground. If they start taking themselves too seriously, they're heading for a fall.

I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.

My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.

The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.

When people come over to my house for dinner, I always have a vegetarian option. They can make do, or they can **** off!

TV's not the same buzz. If someone tells you three million people watched the show last week, that's good but, when you walk out in front of 1,000, you think, 'Oh my God, this had better be good'.

Even if you're doing the national insurance awards, there's still that excitement when you wonder who is going to win, er, best premiums.

People say, "Now you've given up booze at least you can remember what you did last night." I say, "Yeah, nothing." - Frank Skinner

There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.

The 2012 Olympics is going to cost £8 billion which is a lot of money. It'll probably bankrupt London. But you can't put a price on two bronze medals in cycling.

I was in the South of France. I saw a Brownie on a school trip. She was holding up a book. It said on the front 'rough guide'. I thought: 'Yeah' she's not a looker.

Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.

I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow ... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.

A surprising amount of my jokes sound very implausible but are true.

Eighteen years since the Chernobyl disaster. Is it just me surprized? Still no superheroes!

People with Tourettes ... What makes them tick?

They say the people most affected by the credit crunch are pensioners - well, let go of the handbag then, Nanna.

Let's face it, the gene pool needs a little chlorine.

The bigger the audience, the better with comedy.

The first few weeks of joining Weight Watchers, you're just finding your feet.

Yes, I have this crazy honk of a laugh.

Viagra has instructions: 'Keep away from children' - what kind of man do you think I am?

I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.

You never want to be the grumpy guy, although I do have quite a grumpy face.

I think the idea that death is not the end, that your dog's just gone to live on the farm, is limiting. Thoughts like that prevent you from making the most of the time that you have.

I don't think young people should have bottoms, they're too young for that sort of thing.

I was a Christian. I didn't want to have sex before marriage, I was a bit uptight and not very self-confident. I was a virgin until I was 26.

I think they got it wrong with Saddam Hussein. They thought he had the A-Bomb. Instead he had a bomb.

If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.

Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.

There's things that I couldn't joke about but other people could.

Saying that you don't believe in magic but do believe in god is a bit like saying you don't have sex with dogs, except labradors.

Like most of the world's population I'm into coffee, but in a properly big and important way. My perfect weekend would start with a pint of coffee.

But what's true about comedians is that we've all got a huge hole in our personality. In a room of 3,000 people, we're the one person facing in the opposite direction - yet we have this overwhelming desire to be liked.

More people are going out to comedy shows than they were before.

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.

Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"