Funny Simpsons Quotes

But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder. ~ Matt Groening

I always enjoy conversation more if there is some substance to it - which is a just incredibly hilarious thing for me to say because for many, many years I was the guy whose only contribution to any conversation was, 'There was a funny 'Simpson's' joke about that.' ~ Joss Whedon

Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow ~ Homer

If the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such and such. ~ Dan Castellaneta

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. ~ Homer Simpson

Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs. ~ Homer

I'm better than dirt. Well, most kinds of dirt, not that fancy store-bought dirt ... I can't compete with that stuff. ~ Matt Groening

If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing. ~ Homer

Homer no function beer well without. ~ Homer

I've always wondered if there was a God. And now I know there is
and it's me. ~ Homer

I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman.
Homer Simpson ~ Matt Groening

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races. ~ Dan Castellaneta

If it doesn't have siamese twins in a jar, it is not a fair. ~ Homer

But you can't stop at one, you wanna drink another woman! ~ Homer

Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harassing that woman. ~ Homer

Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix. ~ Matt Groening

It's funny, I get really nervous when I audition for voiceovers. ~ Julie Benz

That's one thing about my shows. I tell people, I'm not a comedian, I'm just a really funny reporter. I put my life out there and make it entertaining. By putting it out there, it helps me to deal with it, you know, so I don't snap and so I don't go off the handle when I get home. ~ Gabriel Iglesias

Funny, but after trading for more than 15 years, I still am capable of forgetting a cardinal rule: The paper you own, in the end, will be intertwined with the fate of the 30-year bond. ~ Jim Cramer

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add. ~ Steven Wright

Is there a reason why you're standing there, staring out the window and watching the neighbors? Are we preparing to kill them and drag them down to the basement and bury them alive? ~ R.L. Mathewson

If you could cross a lion and a monkey, that's what I'd be, because monkeys are funny and lions are strong. ~ Marlon Wayans

The movement of life has to rest in its own music. ~ Rabindranath Tagore

I'm obsessive about the kind of melodrama of getting through the days and trying to make them good and funny and a happy experience. But my feeling towards the fans is that they delivered me from darkness. ~ Tom Baker

And now International Soccer Special, Manchester United v Southampton ~ David Coleman

So that's the secret," the Beast Lord said.
I froze with the spoon halfway to my mouth. That was it. He had figured out what I was and now he was playing with me.
"You okay?" he asked. "Gone a bit pale there."
In a moment he would drop the charade and rip me to pieces. If I was lucky. "Secret to what?"
"Secret to shutting you up," he said. "I just have to beat you till you're half-dead, then give you chicken soup and" - he raised his hands - "blessed silence."
I went back to the soup. Ha-ha. Very funny.
"What did you think I meant?"
"I don't know," I mumbled. "The ways of the Beast Lord are a mystery to a humble merc like me."
"You don't do humble. ~ Ilona Andrews

Stand-up is an art but since it's humor and it's funny - a lot of guys that don't think it's art are probably coming from the angle that they don't want to take it so seriously. I've always looked at it as an art but I don't look at it as a pretentious art. I understand it has to be taken lightly because it is just comedy in the end, but the good stand-up comics are someone with something to say. ~ Mitch Hedberg

The best thing about being 45 is not taking myself so seriously. Do I miss the package I came in at 25? I do. Gravity is no one's friend. Yet the perspective I've gained is so worth the wear and tear. What would have mortified me at 25 is now simply fodder for a funny, relatable story. Also? I was a waitress at 25, and now I'm an author. Forty-five is definitely better. ~ Jen Lancaster

Nothing has really happened until it has been recorded. ~ Virginia Woolf

But definitely I was in the zone in the match today. I was still thinking it's the final and I knew the emotions. It's a little bit like Fed Cup when I'm playing in the Czech Republic and I feel the crowd. My stomach is a little bit funny - it's just goosebumps. But when I won the first set, I said to myself, 'Okay, I still have to do the same work.' I was worried I couldn't do it for the whole match, but I did it. ~ Petra Kvitova

I've always been a monster,' Scapegrace told her, 'but now, finally, my physical for reflects my inner darkness.'
'You smell terrible.'
'That's the smell of evil.'
'It's like rancid meat and bad eggs.'
'Evil, Scapegrace insisted. ~ Derek Landy

Me Tarz-tosterone; You Estro-Jane ~ Tony Cleaver

Endure for another day, Mister Tannen, and you'll have all the foul black misuse of water you can drink. ~ Scott Lynch

Peter is ... adjusting. He's back in school, and he's doing quite well. I wish you could find it in your heart to forgive him."
"I've got this funny resentful streak about people who try to kill me. ~ Josh Lanyon

No," he muttered, running a hand through his copper hair. "No. No. There are dozens."
"Kell?" she asked, moving to touch his arm.
He shook her off. "Dozens of ships, Lila! And you had to climb aboard his."
"I'm sorry," she shot back, bristling, "I was under the impression that I was free to do as I pleased."
"To be fair," added Alucard, "I think she was planning to steal it and slit my throat."
"Then why didn't you?" snarled Kell, spinning on her. "You're always so eager to slash and stab, why couldn't you have stabbed him? ~ V.E Schwab

I allow a lot of room for improvisation and funny stuff. I always feel planned. ~ Michael Bay

It's silly talking about how many years we will have to spend in the jungles of Vietnam when we could pave the whole country and put parking stripes on it and still be home by Christmas. ~ Ronald Reagan

I'd rather live my life believing in God to die and see there is one. Because if there isn't one, it means there's no eternal life, therefore I will never know. ~ Sandra Chami Kassis

He laughed. "That's funny, 'I don't have any fire.' Everybody's got fire, kiddo. It's just a matter of finding the match that sparks it. ~ Charles R. Smith Jr.

Houston has its largest crowd of the night here this evening. ~ Jerry Coleman

I don't think it's any coincidence that I lost my religious faith and 'manned up' in the same year. I was described somewhere as a lapsed Catholic, which is funny because I'm not going back! I want to achieve things rather than live life in an animalistic way. ~ Jimmy Carr

You've always been there for me. Always. Even when I ... " V
"Even when you what?" B
"You know." V
"What?" B
"Fuck. Even when I was in love with you. Or some shit." V
Butch clasped his hands to his chest. "Was? Was? I can't believe you've lost interest." He threw one arm over his eyes, all Sarah Bernhardt. "My dreams of our future are shattered - " B
"Shut it, cop." V
Butch looked out from under his arm. "Are you kidding me? The reality show I had planned was fantastic. Was going to pitch it to VH1. Two Bites Are Better Than One. We were going to make millions ." B
"Oh, for the love. ~ J.R. Ward

It's funny how everyone has a bizarre relationship with Google. The knowledge is there, but no one knows how to use it right. ~ Jonathan Gold

Sir Kile, you're lived in the palace your whole life," Gavril said, walking across the stage. "How do you think your life might change were you to become prince?"
"Id definitely need to focus more on my hygiene."
"Pfffft!" I covered my mouth, so embarrassed, but I couldn't stop laughing.
"Oh! Sounds like someone over there agrees."

-the Heir ~ Keira Cass

Arrgh!" Hadleigh flung up an arm to shield her eyes but the damage had been done. She'd seen a lot of ugly things in her time and generally ended up killing them but this … this thing defied description. It mocked the word ugly as pithy and stomped on an array of descriptive words such as loathsome, skin crawling and hideous. "Good Goddess, what in the Hell is that? ~ Jane Cousins

How are you feeling?"
I leaned away from him. "Gross."
Aiden frowned. "Gross?"
"I haven't brushed my teeth or washed my face in days. Don't come near me."
He laughed. "Alex, come on."
"Seriously, I'm gross." I put my hand over my mouth.
Ignoring my protests, he leaned over and brushed my string hair back. "You're as beautiful as always, Alex."
I stared at him. He must not get out much. ~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president. ~ Hillary Rodham Clinton

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. ~ Helen Hayes

don't just listen to people crying, hear the reasons why they cry ~ Ernest Agyemang Yeboah

I love funny women. I love writing funny women characters. ~ Michael Patrick King

If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find. ~ Demetri Martin

Men at forty Learn to close softly The doors to rooms they will not be Coming back to. ~ Donald Justice

She's as funny as a toothache ~ Erma Bombeck

I know that I'm crazy. And that has made all the difference." From: Furiously Happy: A funny book about horrible things. ~ Jenny Lawson

Truth is what stands the test of experience. ~ Albert Einstein

My parents were funny. My brothers were funny. We just laughed and had a good time. Growing up, it breeds that. It breeds your funny. It breeds your creativity. ~ Kym Whitley

His lessons were chock-full of analogies for a variety of musical situations. Those little things were my favorites. 'No ... that's too much vibrato. It's like putting bright red lipstick on a beautiful woman.' I always thought it was funny that when you broke a musical rule-like accenting a weak beat-he would turn his head away from you sharply, almost as though he were in pain. It's like you just slapped him in the face by being unmusical. ~ Manny Laureano

Normally, it's one or the other - a pretty, straight woman or a more charactery woman who isn't supposed to be attractive. But women like Tina Fey are leading the charge on being both. You can be funny and attractive. ~ Becki Newton

Do you know anything that in all its innocence is more humiliating than the funny pages of a Sunday newspaper in America? ~ Johan Huizinga

FYI, baby, havin' your attitude back is so far from annoying, it's not fuckin' funny. ~ Kristen Ashley

I stand by all the misstatements that I've made. ~ Dan Quayle

I know you can do this. You're the person who revolutionized
garbage collection at Westview, remember? ~ Rachel Lynn Solomon

I think it's very funny that someone would exaggerate to make himself look worse. ~ David Leavitt