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I can clean my own house. Now, maybe a couple of times a year we have a cleaning crew come in before we have a party, but otherwise, I'm able to maintain it myself.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: I can clean my own
I had been terrified of Halloween my entire adult life. Loved it as a kid, but the minute I got out of college, there were little kids at my door demanding candy, which, No. 1, I couldn't afford, and, No. 2, if I had candy, it would be mine.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: I had been terrified of
No one wants to friend or follow covert info about Pakistan's nuclear policy.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: No one wants to friend
As I examine my life through this book, I can't help but wonder if my mother was right. Maybe I really was what I ate. And maybe if she'd let me eat a little more sugar, I'd have come out sweeter.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: As I examine my life
Here's a bit of Discovery Channel for you - apples don't last forever. They can stay fresh for a long time, especially when refrigerated, but definitely not from December into the month of March.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: Here's a bit of Discovery
I don't want to limit myself as a writer. Tastes change, and I want to keep my eye on the future.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: I don't want to limit
If I had kids, I'd probably be way over-protective, researching everything they begged to see to make sure the content was appropriate.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: If I had kids, I'd
I realized I couldn't have one foot in the fiction world and one foot in the nonfiction world, which is why 'Here I Go Again' is so not me. I didn't graduate from high school in the '90s, I never listened to metal music, and I don't time travel.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: I realized I couldn't have
At my age, I feel like I'm halfway to the finish line and life's too short to do what I'm sure to hate.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: At my age, I feel
I learned to speak Italian, somewhat. Definitely enough to get around in Italy. My grandfather always used to swear at my grandmother in Italian.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: I learned to speak Italian,
Nothing gives me greater pleasure than to say yes, only to have my plans fall through at the last minute and I can take off my regular-people clothes and redon my paint-splattered yoga pants.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: Nothing gives me greater pleasure
Really? If I could hate my trainer? That would be ideal. I'd prefer to despise this person with the fire of ten thousand suns. So when I walk - nay, crawl - out of here at the end of my workouts, I want to lull myself to sleep by picturing my very talented and inspirational trainer getting hit by a bus. A bus that I am driving.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: Really? If I could hate
Although they're doing manual labor, they're both wearing tailored slacks and dressy leather shoes, which
Jen Lancaster Quotes: Although they're doing manual labor,
Photo developers everywhere are likely the reason my entire generation didn't devolve into total chaos.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: Photo developers everywhere are likely
The first 'Wii Fit' games I tried were the slalom and ski jumping. I believe my spectacular failures here had more to do with the board resting on thick carpet than my shoddy balance.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: The first 'Wii Fit' games
Just as I got older, I think I've become more and more conservative.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: Just as I got older,
Plaid is always cute and always will be. But only on the bottom. At the top, it makes you look like a farmer.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: Plaid is always cute and
Everyone who reads me is someone I'd like to hang out with.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: Everyone who reads me is
I've determined the ideal job for me is one where I can write clever essays about my life and my employer will give me enough money not only to live a comfortable existence, but also to buy many, many new pairs of shoes.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: I've determined the ideal job
My whole life I've harbored a resentment toward those who could ride no-handed. To this day, I can't even sit on an exercise bike without clinging to the handlebars with a serious G.I.-Joe- kung-fu grip. Every time I see someone on the road, all smug and well-balanced, using their cell phone and gesturing while they talk and ride, I secretly want to bash them with my car door. It's
Jen Lancaster Quotes: My whole life I've harbored
Milk, powdered heavy cream, and powdered butter." "Didn't know a lot of these products existed,
Jen Lancaster Quotes: Milk, powdered heavy cream, and
I can't believe anyone would voluntarily run 26 miles. Sometimes I sit on the couch cross-legged because I don't feel like walking to the bathroom.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: I can't believe anyone would
I used to have to hunt for hard-boiled eggs when I was a kid. What was the point of that? Was I supposed to be, 'Yay! I found them! Egg-salad sandwiches for everyone!' I was seven! I wanted chocolate, not bioavailable protein.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: I used to have to
Maybe I've moved to the dark side, but it's clean and nice and we never run out of toilet paper.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: Maybe I've moved to the
Now with social media, people essentially come into my living room, my virtual living room, and tell me everything that is wrong with me.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: Now with social media, people
Point? Maybe you aren't a Carrie or a Samantha or a Charlotte or a Miranda.
Maybe you're just you.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: Point? Maybe you aren't a
Some people are destined to be deep thinkers. I am not one of those people.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: Some people are destined to
Despite my best efforts, I'm not quite perfect. Let's just say I'm like one of those Hopi blankets where they leave a tiny flaw so as to not affront the Lord.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: Despite my best efforts, I'm
I stuff another handful of Raisinets in my mouth. What gets me is the 'pretty face' bit. 'Cause I won't mind being reminded I'm fat as long as you water it down first. Why not say, Hey I'm going to insult you, but first I will congratulate your fortunate genetics and appropriate appliclation of Bobbi Brown cosmetics to prevent you from hitting me. Sh*t; I kind of prefer being called a 'fat bitch.' At least it doesn't pull any punches.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: I stuff another handful of
Forgive the cliche, but friends are truly the family you choose.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: Forgive the cliche, but friends
I've always wanted to take a swim wherever it is they snap those screensaver photos - Fiji? Bora Bora? The Maldives? - and sleep in a hotel room that's more of a hut built on a dock over the water. After reading The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency, I'm dying to see the sun set in Botswana. I want to visit Indian temples and volunteer at an elephant sanctuary.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: I've always wanted to take
This quick foray onto the toilet has been no different an endeavor than any other time I've used the restroom in my adult life. Try then to imagine my surprise when instead of the waste going down the u-bend like the thousands of times previous, the bowl's contents go not gentle into that good night.
Instead, they shoot directly up at me ... at approximately 80 miles an hour.
As I leap backward, slamming into the glass shower door, the only thought going through my now-banged head is, When did I eat corn?
Pretty in Plaid: A Life, a Witch, and a Wardrobe, or, the Wonder Years Before the Condescending, Egomanical, Self-Centered Smart-Ass Phase
Jen Lancaster Quotes: This quick foray onto the
I'm busy sorting through our new collection of rhinestone jewelry. Should anyone be in the market for sparkly accessories the size of a hubcap, this is the place to get them. Earlier today, a customer picked up one of the enormous chandelier-style offerings and asked, 'Do those be genuine rhimestones?'
I couldn't even begin to explain everything that was wrong with her sentence, so I simply replied, 'Yes. They do be genuine.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: I'm busy sorting through our
I'm such a fangirl when it comes to other writers. I read 250 books a year, and I'm always talking up books by other authors.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: I'm such a fangirl when
But how come no one says anything to my face? I do dozens of events per year and I've met thousands of readers, and every single person I've ever encountered has been lovely. Why is that, I wonder? Am I more charming in person, or is it that face-to-face blunt-force-trauma honesty requires a modicum of courage?
Jen Lancaster Quotes: But how come no one
Life is unfair and there are winners and losers, regardless of how much overprotective parents attempt to shield their offspring from reality.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: Life is unfair and there
I'm not one of those folks who have to face death to live life. I
Jen Lancaster Quotes: I'm not one of those
When she gets rattled, the South really comes out. Once when Daddy tried to cancel our country club membership because he said the dues were too high, she went from zero to Atlanta burning in zero point five seconds.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: When she gets rattled, the
If I were a lesbian and had a thing for narcissistic ex-sorority girls? I'd totally do me.
Bitter is the New Black: Confessions of a Condescending, Egomaniacal, Self-Centered Smart-Ass, or Why You Should Never Carry a Prada Bag to the Unemployment Office: A Memoir
Jen Lancaster Quotes: If I were a lesbian
I'm a humor writer, so I don't always present myself in the best light.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: I'm a humor writer, so
I still believe in the Holy Trinity, except now it's Target, Trader Joe's, and IKEA.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: I still believe in the
When it comes to matters of pro sports, politics or palate, disparate sides claim their party, team and cola to be superior.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: When it comes to matters
Like it. And, hey, why do I have so much sand in my crotch? Okay,
Jen Lancaster Quotes: Like it. And, hey, why
If you're anorexic, you're doing it wrong."
I swat him with a dish towel. "No, no, I mean anorexics look in the mirror, and even if they're eighty pounds, they still see a fat girl. I'm a hundred pounds heavier than I was in high school, my veins are full of creme fraiche, and yet I look in the mirror, take in the hair and makeup, and think, Damn, baby, you fiiine.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: If you're anorexic, you're doing
With the mere click of a mouse, I can be put in my place but good via Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, Pinterest, or Google+, just to name a few. (But not MySpace, which has been a ghost town since 2008. I hope Tom's okay.)
Jen Lancaster Quotes: With the mere click of
I would rather receive a Pap smear from Captain Hook than venture out in New Year's Eve.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: I would rather receive a
Butterflies are a lot like rainbows: They're phenomenally beautiful in real life, yet no graphic representation can do them justice; ergo, it's best to forgo.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: Butterflies are a lot like
Beauty pageants, you're only judged once. Sorority rush, you have to go through 20 parties.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: Beauty pageants, you're only judged
You know how it's almost impossible for kids to not say what they think? That's me. I have to make the conscious effort to be situationally appropriate.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: You know how it's almost
In other words? The bitch had it coming.
And I am that bitch.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: In other words? The bitch
I mean, six years ago my electricity's being cut off and my car's getting repossessed and I'm being evicted from my apartment, and now I'm all Yeah, havin' dinner with Rudy in the Hamptons, what of it?
Jen Lancaster Quotes: I mean, six years ago
Can I tell you something about Seattle? Everyone there is a filthy liar. They're all, 'Don't move to Seattle - it's so rainy!' And yet every time I've been there, a tiny amount of rain falls before the whole sky explodes into rainbows and sunlight. Seattleites mean to hog up all the stunning vistas and good coffee and flowering bushes for themselves. Bet on it.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: Can I tell you something
I have to pause the video while I corral the dogs in the other room. They howl in protest, and I tell them they are harshing my mellow and Yogi Beef Jerky's going to be pissed.
Such a Pretty Fat: One Narcissist's Quest To Discover if Her Life Makes Her Ass Look Big, Or Why Pie is Not The Answer
Jen Lancaster Quotes: I have to pause the
I began writing fiction when I started running out of material in my own life.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: I began writing fiction when
Amen,' I exclaim, accidentally spitting out a Raisinet. I pick up the chocolate with a Kleenex and stuff it in my purse. Ten bucks says a month from now I'll have forgotten about it and will finally have said heart attack when I assume a rat shat in there.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: Amen,' I exclaim, accidentally spitting
In Atlas Shrugged, Ayn Rand stated that there's no such thing as real altruism. She espoused the principle of ethical egotism, meaning that a person's moral obligation is to promote their own welfare.

Translation?

I still have the musical sensibilities of a teenage girl and I kind of want to see a shitty pop concert in the guise of doing something nice for my pal's kid, so I need to find a way to make it happen.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: In Atlas Shrugged, Ayn Rand
You know what? We need a recession in this country, because that would finally weed out all the subnormal, underdeveloped, stupefied, puerile people in this workforce.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: You know what? We need
Quinn Cummings is a master story-teller and her book is nothing short of delightful. Her insights into topics like celebrity, parenting, and cats with a taste for homicide are pithy and uproarious and not to be missed. Notes from the Underwire is charming, hilarious, and just snarky enough to be ultimately satisfying.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: Quinn Cummings is a master
When did the cell phone become a license to be rude? And why must I be subjected to your personal conversations?
Jen Lancaster Quotes: When did the cell phone
Dessert is my reward for having met my goals during the day. Really, dessert is an event rather than a specific item.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: Dessert is my reward for
When you think about a drill sergeant, a drill sergeant expects you to perform your best, and if you don't, they're going to stay on you until you do.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: When you think about a
I learned to glitter the pumpkins for Halloween not because I went into it thinking, 'I'm going to glitter some pumpkins!' No. I bought all of these big, cold, slimy, disgusting pumpkins and tried to carve them, and it was gross, so I had to find something else to do with them. Glitter was life-changing.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: I learned to glitter the
Writing was something I always liked, but it wasn't a career until I was laid off from my executive position in my 30s. I started a website because I was bored, unemployed and angry.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: Writing was something I always
Humor's an excellent way to make a point more palatable and/or relatable.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: Humor's an excellent way to
I didn't understand the Kindle's true value until I finished an e-book on the beach. In sixty seconds - and without benefit of pants - I had brand-new reading material at my fingertips.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: I didn't understand the Kindle's
If you're in the midst of a midlife crisis, you could buy a convertible, have an affair, or upgrade your cup size. But you'll probably be happiest if you save a dog's life.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: If you're in the midst
We all know exactly what we love, and woe is you if you're on the other side.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: We all know exactly what
Fletch then kisses me on the forehead before opening the cabinet under the coffeemaker to grab placemats and napkins. Retrieving these items is his job because I kind of don't like to bend. I also refuse to carry anything heavier than my purse.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: Fletch then kisses me on
But ever since I made the decision to drop a few pounds-way less easy than it sounds, by the way-I've become obsessed with my size and in so doing I've inadvertently allowed my inner critic to have a voice. And you know what? She's a bitch. Like now when I see my underpants in the laundry, I no longer think Soft! Cotton! Sensible! Instead I hear her say Damn, girl, these panties be huge.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: But ever since I made
You think you're so cool just because you can walk!
Jen Lancaster Quotes: You think you're so cool
In real life, I tend to yell at people a lot. Not because I'm bossy or mean, but because I'm frustrated.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: In real life, I tend
No one gives out Congratulations on Not Being a Douche-Canoe medals, because good behavior is part of the social contract.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: No one gives out Congratulations
Hell hath no fury like a middle-aged woman in a fuzzy pink robe, hopped up on a winning combination of allergy medicine, Alias reruns, and anger.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: Hell hath no fury like
I didn't want to turn into Martha Stewart. I wanted to turn into a more organized, more gracious me. And that truly has happened.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: I didn't want to turn
I believe that I have such a vanilla life.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: I believe that I have
I'm noticing a lot of the big bloggers who've posted about politics are experiencing an ugly backlash. Readers are angry because they went to the bloggers' sites for a laugh, not a lecture. Again, it's a question of being appropriate for the audience.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: I'm noticing a lot of
As I paddle along, I slowly become aware that it's been fear keeping me out of this pool for so many years. I never came here before because I was afraid I'd make a fool of myself by not having the endurance to complete a lap. The swimming wasn't what scared me; failure was. My fear locked me in a state of arrested development for so many years. Fear kept me from tackling my weight, which I understand has simply been symptomatic of my greater fear, growing up. I glide down the lane on my back and reflect on how good I feel right now. It's not because I've lost more than thirty pounds. I feel incredible because I've stopped being afraid.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: As I paddle along, I
I tried, it was hard, I quit, the end. Story of my life.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: I tried, it was hard,
I've always feared growing older because I thought I'd run out of interests, but what this project has taught me is that I've barely scratched the surface of what I could try next.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: I've always feared growing older
(At a health and fitness fair)

Though normally superconfident, I am not prepared for the judgmental stares of the ultrafit. They don't know me and have no idea of my prowess in the boardroom. They're unfamiliar with my shoe collection and unaware that I live in the Dot-Com Palace. And they didn't notice me pulling up in the Caddy. All they can see is how much space I occupy.

With each step I take, I feel cellulite blossoming on my arms, my stomach, my calves. Stop it! I think my chin just multiplied and my thighs inflated. No! Deflate! Deflate! And I'm pretty sure I can see my own ass out of the corner of my eye. Gah! Cut it out!! Am I imagining things, or do my footsteps sound like those of the giant who stomped through the city in the beginning of Underdog? And how did I go from aging-but-still-kind-of-hot ex-sorority girl to horrific, stompy cartoon monster in less than an hour?

My sleek and sexy python sandals have morphed into cloven hooves by the time I reach the line for the race packet. While I wait, the air is abuzz with tales of other marathons while many sets of eyes cut in my direction. Eventually an asshat in a JUST DO IT T-shirt asks me, "How's your training going?
Jen Lancaster Quotes: (At a health and fitness
Everyday I feel more and more like a full-fledged adult. Even though it was (metaphorically) only yesterday I was sloshing in the door at four a.m. after Dollar Beer Night, I find myself with a mortgage, four types of insurance, and a non-laundry-quarter-based retirement fund.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: Everyday I feel more and
Reality television gave me an amazing feeling of moral and intellectual superiority without actually requiring any effort past moving the dogs to find the remote.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: Reality television gave me an
As a reader, I notice political views regardless of whether or not the book is fiction. What annoys me is when said views do nothing to advance the narrative.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: As a reader, I notice
If I may, I'd like to take a moment to praise Mark Zuckerberg's parents for not procreating sooner. Praise be to all that is holy that Facebook didn't exist when I was that age and the Internet then was but a Usenet group for Star Trek fans. I feel like the luckiest person in the world to have grown up when cameras used actual film because the only thing that stood between infamy and me was the clerk who developed photos at Walgreens. Thank God for him.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: If I may, I'd like
If I were to run for president, then people would debate the pros and cons of what's wrong with me in increasingly aggressive 140 character tweets and Facebook status updates, and, inevitably, everyone would end up fighting.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: If I were to run
You want to change? Lose the bitch. Be nicer to people. Stop telling them to "bite you" and threatening to kick them until they're dead.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: You want to change? Lose
Unless 'Wii Fit' stops acting like a mean girl, it's over between us forever.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: Unless 'Wii Fit' stops acting
I never sleep on the plane. I have to be awake and using my mind power to keep it in the air
Jen Lancaster Quotes: I never sleep on the
Asking me to choose between a traditional book and a Kindle is like asking me which of my dogs I love most.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: Asking me to choose between
Cost to clean deeply soiled rugs: $200.
Cost to replace shiny, black, stack-heeled, pilgrim-toed boots: $185.
Cost to fix every single delicious table and chair leg in the house: $490.
Life with two shelter dogs: fucking priceless.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: Cost to clean deeply soiled
There's nothing fun about stuff like estate planning, getting mammograms, or talking to a guy about long term disability insurance, but do it anyway. Trust me, the stress of not having done the above is prematurely aging.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: There's nothing fun about stuff
eBay is a fine place to unload your Prada bag when you're in a desperate situation and it's exactly what the doctor ordered when searching for a specific item, say an authentic 1965 edition of the game Mystery Date. eBay is a very, very bad place to go if you're a hypercompetitive asshole with a penchant for spite bidding.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: eBay is a fine place
I am going to embarrass myself. I have accepted that fact, and that's just how it's going to be.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: I am going to embarrass
No matter how happy anyone is with their choices, I believe it's human nature to wonder about the path not taken.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: No matter how happy anyone
Although I get a lot of specialty services like wraps, scrubs, and
mustache removal, my favorite is the simple manicure/pedicure. They work on your hands and feet at the same time while you sit in a vibrating chair. I call it the sorority girls version of a threesome.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: Although I get a lot
If forced to choose between a book and a Kindle, I'd opt for the comfort and ease of bound pages. I mean, I can't break a book if I drop it on a cement floor.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: If forced to choose between
Remember when Japan was cool? We used to run around with 'Mr. Roboto' on our Walkmans, 'The Karate Kid' in our Betamaxes and wore T-shirts embossed with the characters for 'storm sewer' and 'dishwasher.'
Jen Lancaster Quotes: Remember when Japan was cool?
The best thing about being 45 is not taking myself so seriously. Do I miss the package I came in at 25? I do. Gravity is no one's friend. Yet the perspective I've gained is so worth the wear and tear. What would have mortified me at 25 is now simply fodder for a funny, relatable story. Also? I was a waitress at 25, and now I'm an author. Forty-five is definitely better.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: The best thing about being
I'm the person who says every single thing she thinks, sometimes to others' amusement, and almost always to my detriment.
Jen Lancaster Quotes: I'm the person who says
This way, when I do have something like special-occasion engagement cake, I can enjoy the whole damn thing without a twinge of remorse. I
Jen Lancaster Quotes: This way, when I do
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