Funniest Simpsons Quotes

But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder. ~ Matt Groening

If the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such and such. ~ Dan Castellaneta

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. ~ Homer Simpson

Well you know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women. You just have to read the manual and press the right button. ~ Matt Groening

If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing. ~ Homer

Homer no function beer well without. ~ Homer

I've always wondered if there was a God. And now I know there is
and it's me. ~ Homer

I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman.
Homer Simpson ~ Matt Groening

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races. ~ Dan Castellaneta

But you can't stop at one, you wanna drink another woman! ~ Homer

Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harassing that woman. ~ Homer

The only way to stop Jim Brown was to give him a movie contract. ~ Carl "Spider" Lockhart

I think Chelsea Handler is the funniest woman. ~ David Alan Grier

I've been a diehard fan of 'The Simpsons' since I was a kid. ~ Reid Scott

'The Simpsons' is like Charlie Parker or Marlon Brando or Richard Pryor: Comedy couldn't go back to the way it was after 'The Simpsons' came out. ~ Eric Andre

A lot of the things I find funniest about people are their shortcomings that they're oblivious to, but that they're constantly reminding everyone around them of. ~ Emile Hirsch

I know for a fact, obviously, because my kids grew up watching the show, that there are some things they are introduced to from 'The Simpsons', and then later in life they see the thing we're parodying. My kids had not seen 'Casablanca,' and we'd done parodies of 'Casablanca.' ~ Matt Groening

Gary Larson: The funniest cartoonist I've ever seen. His two-volume set (The Complete Far Side) should be the textbook in any course taught on how to be funny on the comics page. ~ Stephan Pastis

It is imperative that a woman keep her sense of humor intact and at the ready. She must see, even if only in secret, that she is the funniest, looniest woman in her world, which she should also see as being the most absurd world of all times. ~ Maya Angelou

Sometimes, I find that just the simplest, cleanest things that are intelligently performed are funniest to me. ~ Kaitlin Olson

His rapier was at his belt, glittering as he swung. He reached down, ripped the sword clear.
I jumped over a slashing frond of plasm, spun round with the water bottle in my hand. I hurled it across to Lockwood.
George threw his rapier to me.
Watch this now. Sword and bottle, sailing through the air, twin trajectories, arching beautifully through the mass of swirling tendrils towards Lockwood and me. Lockwood held out his hand. I held out mine.
Remember I said there was that moment of sweet precision when we gelled perfectly as a team?
Yeah, well. This wasn't it.
The rapier shot past, missing me by miles. It skidded halfway across the floor. The bottle struck Lockwood plumb in the centre of his forehead, knocking him through the window.
There was a moment's pause.
'Is he dead?' the skulls voice said 'Yay! Oh. No, he's hanging onto the shutters. Shame. Still, this is defiantly the funniest thing I've ever seen. You three really are incompetence on a stick ~ Jonathan Stroud

When I was 21, I wanted to write like Kafka. But, unfortunately for me, I wrote like a script editor for 'The Simpsons' who'd briefly joined a religious cult and then discovered Foucault. Such is life. ~ Zadie Smith

Remember, when YouTube was founded in the U.S., America's Funniest Home Videos had been around for a long time. In China, the history of TV as well as user-generated video is very, very short. So, we've actually had to do a lot of things to motivate that. ~ Victor Koo

Why don't those stupid idiots let me in their crappy club for jerks? ~ Homer Simpson

When I was 3, my mom sent in a video of me singing George Strait to 'America's Funniest Home Videos.' ~ Austin Mahone

In the pressure cooker of a TV show, it's a little bit of a witches' brew. I completely think I'm capable of being crazy. I probably was crazy when I was doing 'The Simpsons'. ~ Sam Simon

My daughter is the funniest person I know, and I couldn't imagine my life without her. ~ Donna Air

The Simpsons was pretty experimental at the time, but it attracted a lot of sitcom writers that felt confined by the limitations of live-action sitcoms in the '80s. ~ Eric Andre

It's been a while. I haven't seen the actual gag reel they put on the DVD. I just saw the DVD myself, so I know that it's going to be some version of what we saw at our wrap party. Some of the funniest things probably wouldn't make it to the DVD and that involved Ryan O'Neal singing and they intercut that with the American Idol judges judging him, which was pretty funny. ~ Emily Deschanel

The only thing that keeps this organization from being recognized as one of the finest in baseball is wins and losses at the major league level. ~ Chuck LaMar

[On the ERA Equality March:] It's the funniest thing. I don't feel there's any discrimination. I know my husband feels that way. ~ Pat Nixon

If it doesn't have siamese twins in a jar, it is not a fair. ~ Homer

I simply adore 'The Simpsons.' I go to bed in a 'Simpsons' T-shirt. ~ Steven Spielberg

I've always just loved drawing and loved cartoons. Growing up, I loved Disney films, I loved The Simpsons, and I was a big fan of the comic strip Calvin & Hobbes and the way that they would have weird fantasy and then down-to-earth funny character comedy. ~ Alex Hirsch

He laughs like it's the funniest thing he's ever heard. I roll my
eyes and pretend not to notice how very bad he is at dancing or
how adorable he looks when he throws his head back and
chuckles. Luke Bryan comes on the radio. Boy am I in trouble. ~ Elizabeth Nicole

The funniest thing is that all the things every director goes through, I thought I could shortcut, but there was no getting around those issues. ~ George Clooney

I gained the weight on purpose for 'Little Nicky,' and it was one of those cases where I'd done a few roles where I looked the same way, and I wanted to be the roommate because I thought that was the funniest part for me. ~ Allen Covert

This doesn't happen in America! Maybe Ohio, but not in America!
Homer Simpson ~ Matt Groening

I'm a great admirer of 'The Simpsons.' It's very surprising because it's backed by a right-wing television company in the U.S., and quite often it's poking fun at the people who would be its audience. ~ Peter Higgs

Ah, Antonio, it IS the noblest sport that ever was. I would give a year of my life to see it. Is the bull always killed?" "Yes. Sometimes a bull is timid, finding himself in so strange a place, and he stands trembling, or tries to retreat. Then everybody despises him for his cowardice and wants him punished and made ridiculous; so they hough him from behind, and it is the funniest thing in the world to see him hobbling around on his severed legs; the whole vast house goes into hurricanes of laughter over it; I have laughed till the tears ran down my cheeks to see it. When he has furnished ... ~ Mark Twain

Of course I've gone mad with power! Have you ever tried going mad without power? It's boring and no one listens to you!
- Russ Cargill ~ Matt Groening

This is the funniest book I've ever held in my hands.
Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize winning humorist and author says about Radical Sabbatical ~ Dave Barry

The Simpsons are going to Delaware! ~ Homer

I wanted to write something that made no linear sense. None. Zero. Something that was 87% pure nonsense, 12% pure alcohol, and 3% orange juice, for a chaser. That formula is accurate, give or take 2% for the milk. In my experience, comedy is 2/3rds tragedy, and one third 33.3 percent. And tragedy started at birth, so humor involving babies is probably the funniest. But even though I didn't write anything about babies, you might laugh so hard that you'll regret not wearing a diaper while reading. ~ Jarod Kintz

I've killed some of the funniest fuckers I've ever met. ~ Karina Halle

Women are very funny. Some of the funniest people I can think of are women. ~ Rachel Bloom

My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I know if I wasn't her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going. ~ Steven Wright

I had a dream about you. We went for a walk, though we didn't hold hands because we went in separate directions. As I walked alone I thought about how you had the funniest way of showing affection to me. ~ Jarod Kintz

I always say that 'Futurama' is real, and 'The Simpsons' is fiction. ~ Matt Groening