Funny Sports Quotes

Football is not a contact sport. Its a collision sport ~ Duffy Daugherty

I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best. ~ Daniel Tosh

I only like sports that Bond villains played. ~ Craig Ferguson

It's funny; I'm in some ways hopelessly masculine, but I don't fish, I don't hunt, I'm not that into sports. I can't fix a car. I think it's my point of view and the way I see the world. ~ Corey Stoll

Racquetball is the only sport where simultaneously you can be looking at the ball and it'll hit you in the back of the head at 90 miles per hour. ~ Brian Regan

Equestrian and sailing are sports for people growing up on the mean streets of Connecticut. ~ Craig Ferguson

You don't like to see hookers going down on players like that. ~ Murray Mexted

If a tie is like kissing your sister, losing is like kissing your grandmother with her teeth out. ~ George Brett

And here's Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago. ~ David Coleman

The NFL, like life, is full of idiots. ~ Randy Cross

I'm the oldest I've ever been, right now. ~ Tim Sylvia

Football is, after all, a wonderful way to get rid of your aggressions without going to jail for it. ~ Woody Hayes

You know what they say about big hitters ... the woods are full of them. ~ Jimmy Demaret

The person who proclaimed me Best Dressed Man never saw me in my sport outfit. ~ Robert Pattinson

Things have been invented because of alcohol. Like the taser, okay? Yeah! The morning after pill, okay? The reach-around. Judge Judy. What has pot given the world? Hackey sack? YEAH! Hilarious ring tones? OH GAH! Ultimate Frisbee Championships? It sucks to be a champion at a sport that can't get you laid. It's an unneeded skill like, I dunno, being the best banjo player. Or a squirter. ~ Dave Attell

A great deal of the pupils time was spent going through, once again, the History of the Communist (Bolshevik) Party of the Soviet Union. He had learnt it at elementary school; at secondary school; at his sports club; at the Komsomol; at the university; at a folk dancing course; at the chess-club. ~ George Mikes

Playing polo is like trying to play golf during an earthquake. ~ Sylvester Stallone

He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces ~ Ron Atkinson

Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That guy won a gold medal in the Olympics" "Oh yeah, that's cool, i wanna watch the fat guy" "Come on dude, you can take that hill" ~ Demetri Martin

Interviewer: Would it be fair to describe you as a volatile player? Beckham: Well, I can play in the centre, on the right and occasionally on the left side. ~ David Beckham

Cricket civilizes people and creates good gentlemen. I want everyone to play cricket in Zimbabwe; I want ours to be a nation of gentlemen. ~ Robert Mugabe

Football combines two of the worst things in American life. It is violence punctuated by committee meetings. ~ George F. Will

The two keys to success as a sportswriter are: 1) A blind willingness to believe anything you're told by the coaches, flacks, hustlers and other "official spokesmen" for the team-owners who provide the free booze ... and: 2) A Roget's Thesaurus, in order to avoid using the same verbs and adjectives twice in the same paragraph.
Even a sports editor, for instance, might notice something wrong with a lead that said: "The precision-jack-hammer attack of the Miami Dolphins stomped the balls off the Washington Redskins today by stomping and hammering with one precise jack-thrust after another up the middle, mixed with pinpoint-precision passes into the flat and numerous hammer-jack stomps around both ends ... ~ Hunter S. Thompson

The drivers have one foot on the brake, one on the clutch and one on the throttle. ~ Bob Varsha

I don't think the discus will ever attract any interest until they let us start throwing them at each other. ~ Al Oerter

Tennis is a funny game, and it takes a life-time of keeping one's eyes open on the circuit to have any chance of understanding the strange phenomena that exist in our exciting sport! ~ Sania Mirza

Fencing is a funny sport. Competitive fencing is not really very applicable to the stage world unless you're fighting with a rapier during the Renaissance, you know? ~ Kris Holden-Ried

I was foreign and Jewish, with a funny name, and was very small and hated sport, a real problem at an English prep school. So the way to get round it was to become the school joker, which I did quite effectively - I was always fooling around to make the people who would otherwise dump me in the loo laugh. ~ Alain De Botton

Sport is the only profession I know of that when you retire you have to go to work. ~ Earl Monroe

I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body. ~ Winston Bennett

I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left-winger in the Premiership, but there are none better. ~ Ron Atkinson

Everyone is an athlete. The only difference is that some of us are in training, and some are not. ~ George A. Sheehan

The only way to stop Jim Brown was to give him a movie contract. ~ Carl "Spider" Lockhart

You always miss 100% of the shots you don't order ~ Josh Stern

Roarke didn't quite make it to Eve's office. He found her down the corridor, in front of one of the vending machines. She and the machine appeared to be in the middle of a vicious argument.

"I put the proper credits in, you blood-sucking, money-grubbing son of a bitch." Eve punctuated this by slamming her fist where the machine's heart would be, if it had one.

ANY ATTEMPT TO VANDALIZE, DEFACE, OR DAMAGE THIS UNIT IS A CRIMINAL OFFENSE.

The machine spoke in a prissy, singsong voice Roarke was certain was sending his wife's blood pressure through the roof.

THIS UNIT IS EQUIPPED WITH SCANEYE, AND HAS RECORDED YOUR BADGE NUMBER. DALLAS, LIEUTENANT EVE. PLEASE INSERT PROPER CREDIT, IN COIN OR CREDIT CODE, FOR YOUR SELECTION. AND REFRAIN FROM ATTEMPTING TO VANDALIZE, DEFACE, OR DAMAGE THIS UNIT.

"Okay, I'll stop attempting to vandalize, deface, or damage you, you electronic street thief. I'll just do it."

She swung back her right foot, which Roarke had cause to know could deliver a paralyzing kick from a standing position. But before she could follow through he stepped up and nudged her off balance.

"Please, allow me, Lieutenant."

"Don't put any more credits in that thieving bastard," she began, then hissed when Roarke did just that.

"Candy bar, I assume. Did you have any lunch?"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know it's just going to keep stealing if people like you pander to it."< ~ J.D. Robb

You guys line up alphabetically by height. ~ Bill Peterson

Paralympic sport and other disability sport can and should be celebrated in its own right. ~ Stella Young

Owllwin was easiest the most contrary person Cricket had ever known. He was arrogant but humble, cowardly but brave, foolish but wise. He was funny, but sometimes she caught him crying when he was off on his own. It were as if he pushed himself to be a better person in spite of himself, in spite of his own failings, and Cricket secretly admired the fact: not many people were willing to admit they had faults in the first place. ~ Ash Gray

I think so highly of people who love their sport and make a really strong commitment to it. ~ Tom Brady

Too often cartoonists just look at other cartoonists and, after a lot of inbreeding, everyone has the same funny look. The challenge of drawing is that there is no one right way to visually describe something. It's a good thing to confront your limitations and preconceptions every so often. ~ Bill Watterson

My dear Natalya Petrovna, there's funny and funny. ~ Ivan Turgenev

The standard four food groups are based on American agricultural lobbies. Why do we have a milk group? Because we have a National Dairy Council. Why do we have a meat group? Because we have an extremely powerful meat lobby. ~ Marion Nestle

So as an amateur Olympic competitor I loved criticism, because it made me better. But now as a professional I don't really know how to channel it or where to take it, so I don't take it quite as well. ~ Scott Hamilton

I unwrapped my love for her like one might unwrap leftovers. Gotta eat up the old stuff first, as a cannibal might say in a retirement home. ~ Dark Jar Tin Zoo

When a great team loses through complacency, it will constantly search for new and more intricate explanations to explain away defeat. ~ Pat Riley

It's not like I'm some kind of veteran and there is this huge age gap. I identify with them more off the field. I need to set an example, which is great, and I look forward to doing just that. ~ Barry Zito

Stiff, huh? I think seeing you roll around on the floor in that tight little outfit accomplished that. ~ Collette West

It has no rhythm, but it will because it's so much faster. ~ Eugene Ormandy

It's funny how there's a word like overprotective to describe some parents, but no word that means the opposite. what word do you use to describe parents who don't protect enough? underprotective? neglectful? self-involved? lame? all of the above. olivia's family ~ R.J. Palacio

Alec Baldwin is so funny. ~ Ryan Lochte

Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back everything is different? ~ C.S. Lewis

I think that the two of them have been doing this for a really long time and it is more like sport. Yes, they would love to find a lasting relationship, but it's not likely to happen the way they are going about it. ~ Jennifer Beals

I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That's like I wrote a joke that didn't work, but now I have to tell it for a year. ~ Mitch Hedberg

Dogs have their day but cats have 365. ~ Lilian Jackson Braun

The hardest part is to travel, and to be away from your family. ~ Glenn Tipton

She introduced herself to my parents with one of her mighty, bunny-crushing handshakes. (I'd never seen Claudia crush a bunny, to be fair, but that's the approximate level of pressure.) ~ Maureen Johnson

No matter how much closure I'm going to give you, you're going to compare me to every single man you meet, Mia. It's the same for me. Nobody is ever funny enough, annoying enough, crazy enough, or beautiful enough to equate to you. ~ Claire Contreras

I believe you can do 99 percent of the things right but not possess a positive winning attitude, and you will fail. ~ Arthur L. Williams, Jr.

I found that I could write two kinds of short stories: I could write very absurd, kind of surrealistic, funny stories; or I could write very dark, realistic - hyper-realistic - stories. I was never happy with that, because I couldn't meld the two. ~ Dennis Lehane

Misery, thy name is Mudslide ~ Molly Harper

The funny thing about writing is that whether you're doing well or doing it poorly, it looks the exact same. That's actually one of the main ways that writing is different from ballet dancing. ~ John Green

It's a wonderful way to live, and not a bad way to go, either. The average Frenchman is still smiling three months after he's dead. ~ Bob Hope

Man is a historical being : The realisations of the powers of human individuals living at any one time takes the cooperation of many generations (or even societies) over a long period of time. By contrast with humankind, every individual animal can and does do what for the most part it might do, or what any other of its kind might or can do that lives at the same time. ~ John Rawls

We have to play it longer because there are no numbers or letters. ~ Eugene Ormandy

Love is the only antidote for the insanity of this world. And the funny thing about love is that when someone loves you, it doesn't necessarily make you feel better; but when you love someone else, it does. ~ Frederick Lenz

I don't write jokes first. I write down topics. I think of what I want to talk about, and then I write the jokes - they don't write me ... And even if you don't think it's funny, you won't think it's boring. You might disagree, but you'll listen. And maybe even laugh as you disagree. ~ Chris Rock

I'm a big sports fan. ~ David Chang

I feel one of the most significant honors a player can have in his sport is to have his number retired. Certainly for me to have that at Tennessee, it's with great pride. ~ Peyton Manning

Thing is, I'm a funny actor, but I'm not good at being funny. I'm going to ramble for a second: I'm an actor who can make things funny in the moment, like in stakes or in circumstances or out of character. ~ Matthew Lillard

It's funny what happens to you when part of your heart gets born inside somebody else. ~ Donald Miller

Parents have funny ways of showing their love sometimes. Mom says my life is all black and white right now, as a kid. But she says when I get older, become a women, that changes, and there's a lot of gray area. I think adult love is more complicated. ~ Brooklyn James