Red Skelton Quotes

I left home because I was hungry.

I'd have avoided some of the pain if I could. Anyone would. But I wouldn't have missed knowing any of the people-even the ones whose leaving hurt most. In fact, the only thing I'm sorry about is that I didn't meet one particular guy, a clown named Joe Skelton. You know, he sure picked the right profession. I mean, a clown's got it all. He never has to hold back: He can do as he pleases. The mouth and the eyes are painted on. So if you wanta cry, you can go right ahead. The make up won't smear. You'll still be smiling ...

There are three signs of old age: loss of memory ... I forget the other two.

It proves what they say, give the public what they want to see and they'll come out for it.

You know how to tell when you're getting old? When your broad mind changes places with your narrow waist.

I don't hate my enemies. After all, I made 'em.

Heard about the young deaf boy who used sign language-One day he told his mother a dirty joke and she washed his hands out with soap

Wouldn't it be a pity if someone said that is a prayer and that would be eliminated from schools, too?

I was a sober as the next guy. The only problem is the next guy was Dean Martin

She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

I don't need glasses, but I've just reached the age where curiosity is greater than vanity.

I only come to life when there are people watching.

Imitation isn't the sincerest form of flattery - it's plagiarism.

I know my limit. I just keep passing out before I reach it.

God's children and their happiness are my reasons for being.

His death was the first time that Ed Wynn ever made anyone sad.

Live by this credo: have a little laugh at life and look around you for happiness instead of sadness. Laughter has always brought me out of unhappy situations.

I have a sixth sense, but not the other five. If I wasn't making money, they'd put me away.

When anyone hurts us, my wife and I sit in our Japanese sand garden and drink iced tea. There are five stone in the garden - for sky, wind, fire, water, and earth. We sit and think of five of the nicest things we can about the person who hurt us. If he hurts us a second time, we do the same thing. The third time, we light a candle, and he is, for us, dead.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always

I consider the television set as the American fireplace, around which the whole family will gather.

I've put on a lot of weight ... I only weighed six and a half pounds when I was born.

I get plenty of exercise carrying the coffins of my friends who exercise.

Congress: Bingo with billions.

We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas

Exercise? I get it on the golf course. When I see my friends collapse, I run for the paramedics.

Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce

People think I am dead because they haven't seen me around for awhile. I'm not dead, I'm very much alive, as you can see. Although, there are two things I do before I get up every morning. I look around and if I don't smell flowers or see candles flickering I go ahead and get up.