Dad Jokes Quotes

We combine our three packs of pasta for dinner – pesto. We tip the dried stuff into a pan, add water and simmer.
We try it, looking at each other with disbelief as it hits the tastebuds. 'It's pesto, Jim, but not as we know it,' I say.
'Fascinating,' says Lou, unsmiling humouring my Star Trek reference, while wincing at the foul food. (And what made me say that? Is there such a thing as a dad-joke vacuum that needs to be filled, even in the wild?) ~ Fiona Wood

I'm a goof. I talk too much. I tell stories. I tell cheesy Dad jokes. I'm theatrical and I'll mix things up and I'll surprise people. Those are the things that I just do because that's who I am. ~ William Beckett

My dad doesn't get any of my jokes. He laughs at them, but he doesn't understand them. He's just laughing because people around him are laughing. ~ Zach Galifianakis

He was all smug about how he'd negotiated flexible hours so he could continue being a hands-on dad, the dad his own father never got to be, and didn't he just lap up all the praise he got for being such an involved father, and laugh sympathetically, but enjoyably, over the fact that Clementine never got any praise for being an involved mother? ~ Liane Moriarty

Hey, Dad, you've got to taste what we just did. It's actually good. (Omari)
That is good. What did you two do? (Devyn)
No idea. We just added spices until it didn't suck anymore. (Omari) ~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

Dad claims that library science is the foundation of all sciences just
as math is the key
and we will survive or founder, depending on how
well the librarians do their jobs. Librarians didn't look glamorous to
me but maybe Dad had hit on a not very obvious truth. ~ Robert A. Heinlein

I agree, Dad. I was just explaining to the woman why we don't look anything alike and why you would have been younger than me when I was born. It doesn't mean I don't love you 'cause you know I do. Make one snotty comment in anger when you're twelve years old going through puberty and getting grounded, and you pay for it for the rest of your life. Parents ain't got no sense of humor. (Omari) ~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

It is disgusting that 'Life & Style' and 'InTouch' magazines continue to print these false stories about my life: the status of my marriage, false reports about a miscarriage, the horrible lie that my dad is not my biological father, jealousy over my sisters' lives, etc. ~ Khloe Kardashian

My mother-in-law was so mean she blinded herself just to get a free dog. ~ Gary Delaney

Now's not really the time for jokes," I growled.
He looked offended."There's always time for sarcasm. ~ Scott Tracey

I have very good advice to give to kids this age, which is, you shouldn't listen to your mum or dad and you just have to work it out for yourself. And the reason I've taken the age range down this year, and I never would have done it 10 years ago, is what I've seen with the success of Willow Smith. You don't have to be so cutesy anymore. ~ Simon Cowell

I've always loved The Simpsons, just because it was really, really funny. As a kid, you love the characters. You know that the dad is dumb and frustrated, and you know that the boy is smarter than everyone else around him and is constantly getting into mischief. ~ Alex Hirsch

Bill Clinton was doing Ku Klux Klan grand kleagel jokes at Byrd's funeral, saying, Oh, Robert C. Byrd, he used the - he was the grand kleagel. He just did what he had to do. ~ Sean Hannity

That was *not* a joke, she said in mock disapproval. So you have no business to laugh. It is very sad when people don't see your jokes - and lots of people can't, for the life of them, see mine. My jokes are either very subtle or very poor - I can't think which it can be. ~ D.E. Stevenson

To know Dad was to love him... He was the sun and the moon to those fortunate enough to have been in his orbit. Underneath that polished Hollywood veneer beat the heart of a man who came from an industrial engine of steel mills and sweat - from hard-working, wholesome people... Dad adored his wives and doted on his many children, who gladly reciprocated that affection. ~ Deana Martin

Some people feel that it's controversial if I say that because my dad is known as a political artist. But I don't really believe that he was a political artist. I think some of his songs were political, and I think they were incredible because he was able to make art that was political and that wasn't pedantic. But I think he was unique in being able to do that. ~ Sean Lennon

Dad staggered in, eyes eerily lit.
The corners of his mouth foaming spit.
His demons planned an overnight stay.
Mom motioned to take the girls away.
hide them in their rooms, safe in their beds.
We closed the doors, covered our heads,
as if the blankets could mute the sounds of his blows
or we could silence her screams behind out pillows.
I hugged the littlest ones close to my chest,
till the beat of my heart lulled them to rest.
Only then did I let myself cry.
Only then did I let myself wonder why
Mom didn't fight back, didn't defend,
didn't confess to family or friend.
Had Dad's demons claimed her soul?
Or was this, as well, a woman's role? ~ Ellen Hopkins

I wanted my children to have the same exposure to the water I had. My strongest memories of Northeast Harbor are going in a small Whaler with my dad, looking for osprey. ~ Parker Stevenson

I met Picasso when I was a kid. I turned one of his drawings down which would be worth £37 million now. My dad wouldn't talk to me for a fortnight. ~ Brian Blessed

Anybody can make jokes. But unless they come from conviction, and there's truth in them, you haven't nailed it. They aren't as funny as they could be, and they don't make a point. ~ Dan Jenkins

Despite everything my mom and doctor and dad have said to me about blame, I can't stop thinking what I know. And I know that my aunt Helen would still be alive today if she just bought me one present like everybody else. She would be alive if I were born on a day that didn't snow. ~ Stephen Chbosky

There is a kind of laughter people laugh at public events, as if a joke were a charity auction and they want to be seen to be bidding. ~ William McIlvanney

Dad is a new person. A person who has learned that forgiveness is better then revenge. Next year, we'll teach him that heart attacks are not like women. You just can't keep having them! ~ Christopher Titus

telling the jokes - was the setups. Why were that priest, that rabbi, and that minister walking down that street? Where were they headed? How had they happened to come together? What odd chance had put ex-presidents Bush, Clinton, and Carter on that same plane? ~ Donald E. Westlake

I love my dad. He used to be a professional wrestler in Mexico. So it was cool growing up with him, because when he hit us, he didn't really hit us. ~ Felipe Esparza

As we walked to Fr Walsh's office, Sting asked me what I thought our punishment might be. I had just been beaten for the missing page fiasco, and he told me, straight-faced, that his last thrashing was because his dad was a milkman. ~ James Berryman

My dad actually taught me how to play piano. I was classically trained, but I've started to branch off a little bit into blues and jazz. That's my new thing. ~ Noah Gray-Cabey

Myth: Vampires have huge stockpiles of gold and treasure.
Truth: If that were true, I'd be able to get my dad to actually buy me a car. ~ Kimberly Pauley

Bumblebee," he said as the kitchen went dark. "I want you to thank your friend next time you see him."
"My friend?"
"Yeah. The boy who was with you last night. What's his name?"
"Wesley," I muttered.
"Right," Dad said. "Well, I deserved it. He was brave to do what he did. I don't know what's going on between you two, but I'm glad you have a friend who's willing to stand up for you. So please tell him I said thanks. ~ Kody Keplinger

Dad: Did you like the Kinder Egg I gave you yesterday? Son: The chocolate was very good, but the shell was a bit hard. *** ~ Various

Heart Breaking, I think that if Dad, staring down the sight of a 10mm, would only tell me he loves me, I could easily change my mind ... but he won't. ~ Ellen Hopkins

Good, honest, hardheaded character is a function of the home. If the proper seed is sown there and properly nourished for a few years, it will not be easy for that plant to be uprooted. ~ George Amos Dorsey

You can't forget how important coming together is, whether it be a mom and a son, a dad and a daughter, whether the family be ten people, or twenty people, or a million people. Dinnertime is the perfect time for that. Dinnertime is the perfect time when you can sit down, you can offer thanks to your kids for making you laugh, or to your parents for supporting you, or to a god for looking out for you, or to whomever you want. You can just close your eyes and open them again and realize that you have the opportunity everyday to change your life, or change someone else's. Dinnertime is a great time to think about that.

~ Dillon, age 22
From Dinnertimes: Stories of American Life, 1912 to 2012 ~ Deborah L. Halliday

Albert [Brooks] was rare in that he could make adults laugh. He was a prodigy. At age 15 and 16, he could make my dad laugh uncontrollably. And whenever we had parties, some of the funniest people of my generation - whether it was Billy Crystal or Robin Williams or John Belushi - would be doing shtick. ~ Rob Reiner

Jokes have a relation to the unconscious.'
'Jokes may indeed have a relation to the unconscious. But also: sometimes a joke is just a joke.'
'Directed against-'
'Directed against you. Whom else? The man who doesn't laugh. The man who can't take a joke. ~ J.M. Coetzee

I have three dads: my biological father, God and Bob Dylan. ~ Jack White

I'd buy joke books and try doing them at school; I always had jokes. That would be my go-to thing at parties: I'd be able to get through them if I just told enough jokes. Otherwise, I wouldn't end up talking to anybody. ~ Drew Carey

I do find violence entertaining, but that doesn't make me a bad person. I grew up watching all these action films when I was a kid. My dad would bring back 'Rambo' and whatever, and we'd watch it together. It's not affected me in any way other than I just appreciate the entertainment value of violence on film. ~ Scott Adkins

I felt like a Jane Austen heroine all of a sudden, confusedly looking on at all the people she loves, their myriad unpredictable couplings and uncouplings. There would be no marriages at the end of this Austen novel, though, no happy endings, no endings at all. Just jokes and friendships and romances and delicious declarations of independence. ~ Julie Powell