Funny Political Quotes

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you have no regime. ~ Jon Stewart

A lot of people who claim they're political comedians are just comedians who have opinions. But they stop being funny the minute they give their opinions. ~ Gilbert Gottfried

Frankly, most of my friends hold very different political beliefs. It's just a funny thing in this country that supposedly you can't sit down and have dinner and enjoy another person's company if you don't have the same beliefs. It's ridiculous. ~ Patricia Heaton

We have allowed the system to be so corrupted that many want justice to be "empathetic," not blind. ~ Glenn Beck

The baby Jesus was the last homeless person the Republicans liked. ~ Andy Borowitz

We have never been strictly political, only strictly funny. ~ Adrian Edmondson

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. ~ Mary Louise Cecilia "Texas" Guinan

I went to college at the University of Kansas, where I got a degree in political science. ~ Sara Paretsky

As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution. ~ Andy Borowitz

It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads. ~ Andy Borowitz

I think any film that asks its audience a degree of tolerance and acceptance of those less fortunate than themselves isn't a bad thing from whatever culture you're in or from whatever part of any political spectrum. ~ Hugh Bonneville

Kat," Hale groaned, then fell back onto the pillows.
"Funny, I didn't hear a doorbell."
"I let myself in; hope that's okay."
Hale smiled. "Or the alarm."
She stepped inside, tossed a pocket-size bag of tools onto the bed.
"You're due for an upgrade."
Hale propped himself against the antique headboard and squinted up at her.
"She returns." He crossed his arms across his bare chest. "You know, I could be naked in here. ~ Ally Carter

I make these little films. I'm just a working person. I just study people a little bit more. It's more sociological, and it's funny anyway - not that serious. It's not like false humility. I just take it for what it is. ~ Julie Delpy

Why are there five syllables in the word "monosyllabic"? ~ Steven Wright

So many of my friends have always been women growing up ... I always feel slightly more comfortable around women because with guys in general there's always more of a danger zone ... it's very aggressive sometimes the way guys act with each other, putting each other down and calling each other names, so I was always too sensitive for that and used to hang out with the girls. And they were always really funny to me. ~ Paul Feig

Sanders was a friend of chickens. ~ Charles Taylor Manatt

It's funny," she said reflectively, "but I always used to think that if only I was slimmer everything in my life would be all right. I didn't realize until it happened that it would just open up a whole new set of problems." ~Maxine ~ W. Soliman

How funny your name would be if you could follow it back to where the first person thought of saying it, naming himself that, or maybe some other persons thought of it and named that person. It would be like following a river to its source, which would be impossible. Rivers have no source. ~ John Ashbery

But for another thing, there's no law of nature which says that control over capital has to be in a few hands―that's like saying that political power has to be in a few hands. Why? There wasn't a law that said that the king and the nobles had to run everything, and there isn't a law that says that corporate owners and managers have to run everything either. These are social arrangements. They developed historically, they can be changed historically ~ Noam Chomsky

All the waste in a year from a nuclear power plant can be stored under a desk. ~ Ronald Reagan

One continually hears the declaration that the direct primary [for legislative offices] will take power from the politicians and give it to the people. This is pure nonsense. Politics has been, is, and always will be carried on by politicians, just as art is carried on by artists, engineering by engineers, business by businessmen. All that the direct primary, or any other political reform, can do is affect the character of the politicians by altering the conditions that govern political activity, thus determining its extent and quality. The direct primary may take advantage and opportunity from one set of politicians and confer them upon another set, but politicians there will always be so long as there is politics. (Cited in Key 1965, 394-95) ~ Marty Cohen

Stealing, you'll go far in life. Actually, there is something funny about getting away with it. ~ Mike Judge

I thought it was for your sake that I came alone, so obviously alone, so vulnerable, that I could in myself pose no threat, change no balance: not an invasion, but a mere messenger-boy. But there's more to it than that. Alone, I cannot change your world. But I can be changed by it. Alone, I must listen, as well as speak. Alone, the relationship I finally make, if I make one, is not impersonal and not only political: it is individual, it is personal, it is both more and less than political. Not We and They; not I and It; but I and Thou. Not political, not pragmatic, but mystical. In a certain sense the Ekumen is not a body politic, but a body mystic. It considers beginnings to be extremely important. Beginnings, and means. Its doctrine is just the reverse of the doctrine that the end justifies the means. It proceeds, therefore, by subtle ways, and slow ones, and queer, risky ones; rather as evolution does, which is in certain senses its model... So I was sent alone, for your sake? Or for my own? I don't know. Yes, it has made things difficult. ~ Ursula K. Le Guin

We are all caught up, entangled, in the lumbering day-to-day operations of a [social] machinery, working in many respects in the service of ends which we as Christians reject. This situation, the present [schizophrenic] situation of thousands of thinking Christians is the end product of a process that began the day Christians first decided to stop thinking Christianly in the interests of national harmony; the day when Christians first felt that the only way out of endless public discussion was to limit the operation of acute Christian awareness to the spheres of personal morality and spirituality.
From that point, the spheres of political, cultural, social, and commercial life became dominated by pragmatic and utilitarian thinking. ~ Harry Blamires

It [economics] facilitates our understanding of the well-being of societies and the challenges they face; it explains many of the daily interactions between individuals, companies and governments, and it offers a guide to understanding political and social trends that are shaping our world. ~ Greg Ip

Clarity is blinding and can be the most destructive element of all in human relations. ~ John Peter Nettl

Where recyling takes place only in response to political pressures and exhortations, it need not meet the test of being incrementally worth its incremental costs. Accordingly, studies of government-imposed recycling programs in the United States have shown that what they salvage is usually worth less than the cost of salvaging it. ~ Thomas Sowell

If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work? ~ Steven Wright

We investigate the past not to deduce practical political lessons, but to find out what really happened. ~ T. F. Tout

I continue to write songs that are topically related to social, political and economic issues of our time, but I also recognize that onstage, I have a lot of fun and audiences have a lot of fun, so I'm trying to package the messages in music and sounds that are fun to perform and fun to listen to. ~ Aloe Blacc

Oh my, you big stud, your dancing boobs have enchanted me with your hypnotic sexual magnitudeness. ~ Kyle Adams

Polls can change; people's opinions can change. Voting intentions can change, and I think it would be a silly leader, a silly political party, that would assume that we have it sewn up. ~ Nicola Sturgeon

Animals represent the abstract notion of acceptance. Living with these funny creatures - you kind of have to accept them. It's like a test in a way. ~ Shaun Tan

Jake fried up the fish, cooked rice with garlic, cilantro and green onions. Someday he was going to make some woman a wonderful wife. ~ Josh Lanyon

This is my depressed stance. When you're depressed, it makes a lot of difference how you stand. The worst thing you can do is straighten up and hold your head high because then you'll start to feel better. If you're going to get any joy out of being depressed, you've got to stand like this. ~ Charles M. Schulz

The bigger the government, the more the corruption. It's almost never mentioned, and it might be the biggest of the ten principles that I am speaking of ... Do you know who has created the greatest evils of history? Big governments. Big SECULAR governments. Hitler, Mao, Stalin, Pol Pot, all big States. Why would anybody trust the big state? It's amazing how many callers have imbued the college message that more people have been killed by religion than anything else in history. NO. More people have been killed by governments than anything else in history ... ... .and just in the 20th century alone, and none of them were religious. You don't learn THAT in college. ~ Dennis Prager

A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage. ~ Mitch Hedberg

More than anyone else, the omnipresent Hamilton galvanized, inspired, and scandalized the newborn nation, serving as a flash point for pent-up conflicts of class, geography, race, religion, and ideology. His contemporaries often seemed defined by how they reacted to the political gauntlets that he threw down repeatedly with such defiant panache. ~ Ron Chernow

People who are following their dreams inspire me. I train at this relatively new gym in West Hollywood called Training Mate. It's owned by a former Australian football player named Luke Milton. The classes are mostly taught by other Australians that are just like Luke: fit, funny, cute, and approachable. Now they're talking about opening another location. He will open another location and be successful because he's following his dream. People like him inspire me because they make me think I can do it too. ~ Dayna Devon

The safety and happiness of society are the objects at which all political institutions aim, and to which all such institutions must be sacrificed. ~ James Madison

I have on many occasions spoken my mind from stage. I have offered organizations table space by the merch booth. I have donated a dollar-a-ticket, or the entire guarantee, to different causes. I have registered voters. I have played on behalf of political candidates. ~ Conor Oberst

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo. ~ Erma Bombeck

People are more willing to support the exercise of authority over themselves when they believe it to be an objective, neutral feature of the natural world. This was the idea behind the concept of the divine right of kings. By making the king appear to be an integral part of God's plan for the world rather than an ordinary human being dominating his fellows by brute force, the public could be more easily persuaded to bow to his authority. However, when the doctrine of divine right became discredited, a replacement was needed to ensure that the public did not view political authority as merely the exercise of naked power. That replacement is the concept of the rule of law. ~ John Hasnas

I'm going to reduce the size of the Cabinet, cut the number of ministers, reduce the size of the House of Commons, campaign for a European Parliament with 100 fewer members, halve the number of political advisers, and abolish a huge swathe of Labour's regional bureaucracies and agencies and their offices in Brussels. ~ William Hague

I'm so constipated that every time I go to shit, the only thing that comes out is political rhetoric. ~ Jarod Kintz