Alan Coren Quotes

Television is more interesting than people. If it were not we should have people standing in the corner of our room.

Sadly, as with so much about history's heroes, it's the spotting of potential fame that's the difficulty, whether it's publishing their poems, hanging their paintings, or buying their old underwear. Think of the great men whose lives passed in penury and hacking coughs due to public unawareness that their littlest possession would end up at Sothebys or the basement at Fort Knox.

The role of humour is to make people fall down and writhe on the Axminster, and that is the top and bottom of it.

SHORE-LARK
During the week, the shore-lark works in the City and flies home every night with its mate in Wimbledon, where it is a model husband and father. At weekends, however, it migrates briefly on Brighton, on any of one hundred pretexts, where is meets female shore-larks under the pier and seeks to recapture its lost youth.

Jacob is a German Shepherd. (I have never understood why they aren't called German Sheepdogs. What do the Germans call shepherds?)

Remember: Enjoy your life today, because yesterday has gone and tomorrow may never come.

There are many mysteries in old age but the greatest, surely, is this: in those adverts for walk-in bathtubs, why doesn't all the water gush out when you get in?

I wonder sometimes if manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things.

To have a grievance is to have a purpose in life.

All I know of birds to this date is that sparrows are the ones that are not pigeons.

Ethnically, the Germans are Teutonic ... being made up of Vandals, Gepidae, and Goths, all of whom emigrated - south from Sweden in about 500 BC; why they emigrated is not exactly clear, but many scholars believe it was because they saw the way Sweden was going, i.e. neutral.

In the days when the keepers of the house shall tremble, and the strong men shall bow themselves, and the grinders cease because they are few, and those that look out of the windows be darkened, I know one boy who won't be sweating. I intend to raise my coffin-lid briskly, throw a few things into an overnight bag, and, whistling something appropriate, prepare to meet my Maker.

Since both its national products, snow and chocolate, melt, the cuckoo clock was invented solely in order to give tourists something solid to remember it by.

Having lost the last war, they are currently enjoying a Wirtschaftswunder , which can be briefly translated as The best way to own a Mercedes is to build one.

The Act of God designation on all insurance policies; which means, roughly, that you cannot be insured for the accidents that are most likely to happen to you.

Democracy consists of choosing your dictators, after they've told you what you think it is you want to hear.

Being a personality is not the same thing as having a personality.