Funny Brother Quotes

Being pretty on the inside means you don't hit your brother and you eat all your peas - that's what my grandma taught me. ~ Lord Chesterfield

George: Why've you had a grudge against your brother for 15 years? Benny: We Lopezes are a proud people ... George: You have a birthday lunch at Denny's every month. We're not that proud! ~ George Lopez

We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like my parents are totally overreacting - they caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his funeral. ~ Anthony Jeselnik

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was. ~ Mitch Hedberg

My brother has ADD, which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus. I told my brother that joke but he didn't laugh because he got distracted by my shoe strings. ~ Zach Galifianakis

I always wanted to make strangers and friends and family laugh. I was over ten years younger than my brothers. It was hard to get attention without some kind of gimmick, like athletic stardom or being funny. ~ Gary Gulman

A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard." ~ Frank Carson

I made $3,000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they paid me in cash. That was a bad situation, because I bought ridiculous stuff. I bought a snake bite emergency kit. Then I said to my friends, "Don't even worry about snakes anymore". My friend stepped on a worm, and I said, "Lay down!" ~ Mitch Hedberg

You're a great brother. You give us a heart attack worrying about your heart attack, which you didn't even have the decency to have! ~ Groucho Marx

People get burned out in big families, you can even see it in the naming of children. Like the first kid, "You were named after Grandma." The seventh kid, "You were named after a sandwich I had. Now get your brother, Reuben." ~ Jim Gaffigan

Orville Wright said to his brother, "Wilbur, you were only in the air for 12 seconds. How could my luggage be in Cleveland?" ~ Red Buttons

Farrakhan got everybody together for the Million Man March and everything. But Farrakhan don't like the Jews. Which is bugged. I get my hair cut on Dekalb Avenue. I never been in a barbershop and heard a bunch of brothers talking about Jews. Black people don't hate Jews. Black people hate white people! We don't got time to dice white people up into little groups. I hate everybody! I don't care if you just got here. "Hey, I'm Romanian." "You Romanian cracker!" ~ Chris Rock

My brother is one of my true heroes. Steady and sober where I am impulsive and emotional. ~ Mark McKinnon

Tell me, was it you or your brother who was killed in the war? ~ William Archibald Spooner

There's no "brothers" when it comes to white people. We are just complete individuals. We don't care about each other. He's not my brother; my brother lives in Ohio - I don't know that guy. ~ Bill Burr

It's funny: one starts off thinking one is shrinkingly sensitive & intelligent & always one down & all the rest of it: then at thirty one finds one is a great clumping brute, incapable of appreciating anything finer than a kiss or a kick, roaring our one's hypocrisies at the top of one's voice, thick skinned as a rhino. At least I do. ~ Philip Larkin

I've always been a big fan of comedy and sketch comedy, and I like to laugh, but you can't just be funny. You do have to work at it, and you have to try to know what your role is and when you can insert humor, or when it's best not to. ~ Colin Hanks

Brother woke just after midnight and he didn't make a sound, and as he climbed from out of bed with severed rings around his head, his feet didn't touch the ground. I could feel it then-a tiny miracle-so I followed him into the woods, crossed beneath the trees but only I left my prints in tow, he was afloat. He found a lonely tree and tied himself within its limbs, and he said to me these words: 'Don't you fear for me, I am where I'm supposed to be.' ~ Radical Face

They've gotta stop reporting wind chill. That's nonsense. It really is. I don't know where they came up with it, why they came up with it, but it's a lie. They come on, "Well, it's 27 degrees today, but with the wind chill, it's minus 3." ... Well, then it's minus 3, asshole! I don't need to know what the weather was like if the conditions were perfect! ~ Lewis Black

A great way to learn about your country is to leave it. ~ Henry Rollins

Let's do it. Monkeys are always funny. You pretty much can't go wrong with a monkey, right? Hi paused. Well unless that monkey wants you dead, or does needle drugs or something. Then it's wrong, and a bad monkey. ~ Kathy Reichs

This ball was so crowded that it took me - a trained professional journalist with vast experience in this area - forty five minutes to get a beer. ~ Dave Barry

Mr. A calls me into his office and says he's got bad news and bad news, and which do I want first. I say the bad news. ~ George Saunders

I guess in my house when I was growing up, I was comfortable trying to be funny. And my dad, of course, it bugged him sometimes. He was trying to rest, and I was constantly trying to say something stupid to get a reaction. But I like doing these movies. You can do it in front of the camera and then it's over. I don't have to worry about being in front of too many people. ~ Adam Sandler

In this place, there is no such thing as father, brother, friend. Each of us lives and dies alone. ~ Elie Wiesel

Save the love we pay to heaven, there is none purer, holier, than that a virtuous woman feels for him she would cleave through life to. Sisters part from sisters, brothers from brothers, children from their parents, but such woman from the husband of her choice, never! ~ James Sheridan Knowles

Norway ... looked to Roosevelt as funny a kingdom as was ever imagined outside of opera bouffe ... It is much as if Vermont should offhand try the experiment of having a king. ~ Edmund Morris

Happiness is like peeing in your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth. ~ Jon Foreman

That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time. ~ Chelsea Handler

What shall we do now?" he asked.
"Something very dreadful," she said,her voice sour."Ask Arlow Bowlerham for the name of a dressmaker. ~ March McCarron

Everything is funny from some angle, I assure you it is. It's just a matter of where you're standing. ~ Charlie Fletcher

Something can be very funny and then suddenly very terrifying-very exciting, and suddenly very ridiculous. I think that's what life is like, that's what interests me. ~ Joss Whedon

As they prepared to mount, Barak's horse, a large, sturdy gray, sighed and threw a reproachful look at Hettar, and the Algar chuckled.
'What's so funny?' Barak demanded suspiciously.
'The horse said something,' Hettar replied. 'Never mind. ~ David Eddings

He gives me a look that says, "Dude, if I knew that do you think I'd have enlisted your puny help?"
I snicker.
"Something funny here."
"You. All prickly and pissed 'cause there's something you don't know. Got to call on the megaservices of the Mega."
"Ever occur to you I'm using you for reasons your inferior human brain can't begin to understand. ~ Karen Marie Moning

He thinks I'm beautiful and told me so. He thinks I'm funny because I make him laugh all the time. He's fantastic in bed and when I say that not once, not even once have we been together where he's not taken care of me and it's not unheard of he takes care of me twice in one go. ~ Kristen Ashley

Spirituality is invisible. Never forget that. If you can see it, if it's dressed in funny robes, if it's up there to be looked at, if it's making a big performance of itself, it is not spirituality. It is ego. ~ Stuart Wilde

{Letter from Debbs to Eva Ingersoll, husband of Robert Ingersoll, just after the news of Robert's death}

We were inexpressibly shocked to hear of the sudden death of your dear husband and our best loved friend. Most tenderly do we sympathize with you, and all of yours in your great bereavement... Gifted with the rarest genius, in beautiful alliance with his heroism, his kindness and boundless love, he made the name of Ingersoll immortal.

To me, he was an older brother and as I loved him living, so will I cherish his sweet memory forever. ~ Eugene V. Debs

So I have to get started now. It's time to get started now. And why not? I wonder. I have a job. I am in love. We have an extra bedroom that we are currently using for shoes, boxes, and occasional guests. I am told my dog is unusually good with children. I already look fucking pregnant. Why the hell not. ~ Lena Dunham

I am committing suicide by cigarette, I replied. She thought that was reasonably funny. I didn't. I thought it was hideous that I should scorn life that much, sucking away on cancer sticks. My brand is Pall Mall. The authentic suicides ask for Pall Malls. The dilettantes ask for Pell Mells. ~ Kurt Vonnegut

Poetry destroyed? Genius banished? No! Mediocrity, no: do not let envy prompt you to the thought. No; they not only live, but reign, and redeem: and without their divine influence spread everywhere, you would be in hell
the hell of your own meanness. ~ Charlotte Bronte

I once asked my father for a dollar for the school picnic. He told me how he once killed a grizzly bear with his loose-leaf notebook. ~ Bill Cosby

The Wright brothers' first flight was shorter than a Boeing 747's wing span. We've just begun with heart transplants. ~ C. Walton Lillehei

For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have. ~ Woody Allen

The only thing that you can get into without a lot of trouble is a lot of trouble. ~ Bill Cosby

I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? ~ Jerry Seinfeld

I was raped by a doctor. Which is, you know, so bittersweet for a Jewish girl. ~ Sarah Silverman

Oh! Do you have a pocketknife?"
He narrowed his eyes at me. "Pocketknife?"
"Don't men your age always have pocketknives?" I asked in a high-pitched voice.
"My age? I'm not a fucking grandfather," he snapped. ~ Jenn Bennett

I don't hate humanity and I'm not interested in people who do. Although, it's funny, actually, some of my favorite writers really do. Like Martin Amis. My dirty secret. 'London Fields' is one of my favorite books ever. And it's indefensible! But he's so funny ... I forgive him everything. ~ Elizabeth Gilbert

Ladies gotta say no to their husbands at the movies. They gotta say: "No, we are watching back-to-back cancer movies. And then this movie about a cat." ~ Tina Fey

It was funny to be an emcee, because you're so at the mercy of the club. You can show up for the weekend hoping to get the $400 - and get fired. I had to prank whoever they told me to prank. ~ John Mulaney

I'm going to get married again because I'm more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff. ~ Wendy Liebman

Do you know how to mix our powers?' I asked.

Carter's shoes squished in the mud. 'Well … not exactly.'

'Oh, please,' Sadie said. 'That's easy. Carter, give your wand to Percy.'

'Why?'

'Just do it, brother dear. Annabeth, do you remember when we fought Serapis?'

'Right!' Annabeth's eyes lit up. 'I grabbed Sadie's wand and it turned into a Celestial bronze dagger, just like my old one. It was able to destroy Serapis's staff. Maybe we can create another Greek weapon from an Egyptian wand. Good idea, Sadie.'

'Cheers. You see, I don't need to spend hours planning and researching to be brilliant. Now, Carter, if you please. ~ Rick Riordan