Gary Gulman Quotes

The popcorn button on the microwave is a miraculous invention. More miraculous than even the microwave itself.

I was born when my dad was 50 ... It's weird growing up with a dad that much older than you. We'd go to the movies, we're both getting discounts.

Every cookie is a sugar cookie. A cookie without sugar is a cracker.

I think of a lot of comedy being watched alone, for some reason. It's surprising to me that people are getting together to watch stand-up comedy.

There's a kiss at the end of the rainbow more precious than a pot of gold.

I went to Boston College. It's a Catholic college, yeah I had a nickname there: Jew.

Would it be ironic if we had to go back to Iraq to rid it of the Al Quaeda that wasn't there before we got there to rid it of Al Queda?

Night to night, doing the clubs is a lot of fun too because you have a lot more freedom and you don't have to worry about swearing or going off the script or going long or going short. If you bomb, only a handful of people see it. On TV, a lot of people see it.

Say what you will about Gypsy women, but they are remarkable assessors of blues guitar talent.

I think everything is fair game to a certain extent.

The other thing is that I'm a pretty moody guy, but no one really wants to see a normal-looking guy complain about things or talk about being unhappy. That's hard. Most people are like, 'Well, you have all your hair and you're tall, so why are you unhappy?' That can be limiting.

I just always wonder if I'm too obsessive about subjects. I try to avoid that.

When you're gay every party is a bad sweater party.

Maybe a silver lining to growing old is being able to watch Usual Suspects for the first time, again.

It was early on when I was really focused and obsessed with doing The Tonight Show and Letterman and stuff like that. Then, I quickly realized that those things don't make or break a career.

As a child I most closely identified with Charlie Browns teacher. Nobody listened.

I always wanted to make strangers and friends and family laugh. I was over ten years younger than my brothers. It was hard to get attention without some kind of gimmick, like athletic stardom or being funny.

If you try to pop the unpopped kernels in the microwave, you go back in time.

I sometimes throw in a couple of swears just to keep the Christian right off my tail. I wouldn't want to be the tea party's go-to comedian.

I think everything contributes to your creativity.

The definition of the word nerd has changed. It's now any attractive person with a hobby. The loneliness component is no longer included.

I just can't dance like no ones watching. I tried but it's futile.

I hate nickels; they're quarter impersonators.

Without my family, I'd be something.

Rich people are just like us though they now eat their meals off square shaped plates.

For the first few years I wrote jokes and performed them word for word and then wrote tags for them and did that word for word and that worked pretty well. Now, I do almost all of my writing on stage and then record and listen for any new things and then I write those down.

Some people hate Jews. Fine, alright it's been done. I mean, that's part of my problem with it. Could you hate somebody new? I'm not giving you any suggestions but the Belgians have had a good run.