Red Buttons Famous Quotes
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Moses, who said to the Israelites, Stop calling me Charlton! Never got a dinner!
Christopher Columbus, who said to Queen Isabella, No, you got it wrong! The world is round. You're flat! Never got a dinner!
Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Donald Trump's mother, who said, Donnie! Stop playing Monopoly and get in that barber's chair! Never got a dinner!
George W. Bush, who said to Pope John Paul II, Give us a visit, and bring the missus. Never got a dinner!
Some of the most famous people in history never got a dinner!
Joe Torre, who switched to first base because he didn't want to go through life as Chicken Catcher Torre. Never got a dinner!
Saint Christopher, who said, Where can I get a Frank Sinatra medal? Never got a dinner!
Helen of Troy, a hooker from Upstate New York. Never got a dinner!
Orson Welles, who said to Anita Bryant, Stop picketing me. What I said was I was a thespian. Never got a dinner!
John Wilkes Booth, who said, Sorry, I thought he was a critic. Never got a dinner!
Stan Musial, who said, Why didn't they make me the first Polish pope? I was such a good Cardinal. Never got a dinner!
Pliny the Elder, who when Rome was burning requested Nero to play You Picked a Fine Time to Leave Me, Lucille. Never got a dinner!
Noah's wife, who said to Noah, Don't let the elephants watch the rabbits. Never got a dinner!
Then, there was Cary Grant. He spent three hours a week in hospitals teaching nervous people how to eat jello.
Gandhi, who went to Wendy's and asked, Where's the belief? Never got a dinner!
The Mayor of Hong Kong, who said Can't work today. Have American flu. Never got a dinner!
Aladdin, who said to his wife, I know it's not a lamp, keep rubbing! Never got a dinner!
Dolly Parton, who said to her doctor, Are you sure it's a chest cold? Never got a dinner!
Noah's wife, who said to him after 40 days and 40 nights, It's your turn to spread the papers on the floor! Never got a dinner!
If I lose show business - I'll really be an orphan!
Moses, who said to the children of Israel, Wear your galoshes; I never did this trick before. Never got a dinner!
Goliath's mother, who said to Goliath, Stop running around with David! You're always coming home stoned! Never got a dinner!
Alexander Graham Bell's wife, who said to Alex on their wedding night, Your three minutes are up. Never got a dinner!
The Invisible Man, who said to his wife, I don't care if it looks silly, don't stop! Never got a dinner!
Jack the Ripper's mother, who said to Jack, How come I never see you with the same girl twice? Never got a dinner!
Steven Spielberg's mother, who said to E.T., I don't care where you're from, you're here and you're gonna get bar mitzvahed! Never got a dinner!
Long John Silver's wife, Short, who said to John, If the shoe fits ... Never got a dinner!
Moshe Dayan, who donated his eye to CBS. Never got a dinner!
Maid Marion, who said to Robin Hood, I will not live in a house with a Little John. Never got a dinner!
Ponce de Leon, who said when he discovered the Fountain of Youth, Where the hell are the paper cups? Never got a dinner!
King Solomon, who said to his thousand wives, Who doesn't have a headache tonight? Never got a dinner!
Captain Hook's mother, who said to Little Hook, For God sakes, don't scratch it! Never got a dinner!
Ray Charles, who said to Stevie Wonder, Maybe we're white. Never got a dinner!
John Travolta, who said, My Saturday night fever was nothing compared to my Sunday morning rash. Never got a dinner!
Eve said to the serpent, 'You know I could go for a bit to eat, but I don't know you from Adam.'
Henry Ford, who despite his immense wealth never owned a Cadillac. Never got a dinner!
Moses, who said when the Red Sea parted, What the hell was that? I was just going in for a dip! Never got a dinner!
Alexander the Great, who said on his wedding night, It's only a nickname. Never got a dinner!
Bluebeard, who said to Scottland Yard, How do I know how many wives I've killed? I'm not an accountant! Never got a dinner!
George Washington, who said to his father, Dad, if I never tell I lie, how am I ever gonna become President? Never got a dinner!
Lee Iacocca, who said to Dolly Parton, Why do you need an airbag? Never got a dinner!
Dracula, who said while they drove a wooden stake into his heart, Boy, I sure hope this is heartburn. Never got a dinner!
Sleeping Beauty, who said to Prince Charming, Are you sure all we did was kiss? Never got a dinner!
E.T., who said to Phyllis Diller, You look weird. Never got a dinner!
Moshe Dayan, who said to Sammy Davis, Jr., That's funny, to me you only look half Jewish. Never got a dinner!
Amelia Earhart, who said, Stop looking for me; see if you can find my luggage! Never got a dinner!
Pope John Paul II's press secretary, who said, See, if only the Pope were Italian, he woulda shot back! Never got a dinner!
Jacques Cousteau, the last man to see Jimmy Hoffa. Never got a dinner!
Peter Minuet, who said to the Indians in modern-day Manhattan, Will you accept a check from a Puerto Rican bank? Never got a dinner!
The Hunchback of Notre-Dame, who said to his tailor Irving, Forget the slacks - please work on the blazer! Never got a dinner!
William Tell's son, Telly, who said as his father was pointing the bow and arrow at the apple on his head, There's gotta be an easier way to kill worms. Never got a dinner!
There is only one goal. That's to keep working and keep flossing.
Vincent Van Gogh, who said to the hat salesman, I like it, but it keeps sliding over my ear. Never got a dinner!
Michelangelo's girlfriend, who said to Angelo, Forget the paint - let's put a mirror on the ceiling. Never got a dinner!
Simon Peter, who embarrassed the other disciples at the Last Supper by asking for seconds. Never got a dinner!
Joan Rivers, who said to Marcel Marceau, Can we talk? Never got a dinner!
Orville Wright said to his brother, "Wilbur, you were only in the air for 12 seconds. How could my luggage be in Cleveland?"
The captain of the Titanic, who said to room service, Who sent for all this ice? Never got a dinner!
I am always joking and always clowning, giving and helping.
Queen Elizabeth, who said, Not now, I'm on the throne. Never got a dinner!
