John Mulaney Quotes

It's nice when you're nervous and everybody's like, "Yeah, you should be nervous." Because a lot of times you're anxious and people say, "Relax. Shut up." And that just feels like, Well, I guess I'm also crazy.

I always wanted it to be multi-cam from the beginning. In the first seeds of the idea, I wanted a live audience, multi-cam show. That was very important for me.

I'm a very lucky person. I'm an idiot, and I've shoveled through life rather nicely so far, so I don't feel like I deserve good treatment.

Ill book a ticket on some garbage airline. I dont wanna name an actual airline so lets make one up, lets just call it like Delta Airlines

If you're comparing the badness of two words and you won't even say one of them [the n-word], that's the worse word.

I kind of thought, wouldn't it be funny to take a swing at being on the weird side of mainstream?

I like making fun of myself a lot. I like being made fun of, too. I've always enjoyed it. There's just something really, really funny about someone tearing into me.

It is 100% easier not to do things than to do them, and so much fun not to do them - especially when you were supposed to do them. In terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin,

On Friday night, it was fun [to know] that if you bombed, or whatever was going on, that you'd be on TV at 11. It was a cool feeling, and you'd get a couple hundred dollars.

I never turn on the crowd. Sometimes, you think it's a terrible show, and then afterward, sometimes people say they really liked it. So turning on the crowd is only going to alienate the few people who might like it.

All my money is in a savings account. My dad has explained the stock market to me maybe 75 times. I still don't understand it.

And then I go over to the Delta Help Desk, which is an oxymoron, and I go, "Can I please go home on an airplane?" and they go "No! In fact, we"re gonna frame you for murder, and you're gonna go to jail for thirty years!"
And I go, "Why are you doing this to me?!"
And they go, "Because we're Delta Airlines, and life is a fucking nightmare!

Things don't exist until they exist.

I plan to join the 'SNL' band as a maraca player and stand behind saxophonist Lenny Pickett. That way they will at least cut to me before commercial breaks. I'll be sure to look right into camera.

It was funny to be an emcee, because you're so at the mercy of the club. You can show up for the weekend hoping to get the $400 - and get fired. I had to prank whoever they told me to prank.

In every case, I find pre-planning noble, but not always that useful in comedy. You know comedy once you're doing it.

Stand-up for me is just my opinions on things, so it wouldn't be as fun translated into a sketch. Nor would a sketch be as fun if it were me standing there saying it.

You can do good work simply staying up all night and eating nothing but junk food, but probably not in the long term.

Excuse me: I am homeless. I am gay. I have AIDS. I'm new in town.

People having expectations maybe means they've enjoyed what I've done.

You can't always see both sides of the story. Eventually, you have to pick a side and stick with it. No more equivocating. You have to commit.

Sometimes I'll be talking to someone, and I'll be like 'Yeah, I've been really lonely lately' and they'll be like 'Well we should hang out!' and I'm like 'No, that's not what I meant. That's not what I meant at all.

I've done festivals in the past where I'd be a guest, it was like, Wow, maybe someday I could play Town Hall - but that'll be a long way off. So it's very exciting.

I had a lot of fun writing things that died during dress rehearsal. Sometimes I remember the crazy ones that died even more fondly than the ones that did really well.

Traveling can get kind of lonely sometimes, er… no, not traveling. What is the word? Life. Life can get kind of lonely.

Being president looks like the worst job in the world.

The more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time.