Les Dawson Quotes

In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought ... I must put a roof on this toilet.

When we were courting, I told my wife: 'I could live in your eyes.' She said: 'You'd be at home; there's a stye in one of them.'

He was so short-sighted that he wore braille socks.

Mind you, I've always been musical ... Mother used to sit me on her knee and I'd whisper, 'Mummy, Mummy, sing me a lullaby do,' and she'd say: 'Certainly my angel, my wee bundle of happiness, hold my beer while I fetch me banjo.'

The mother-in-law had an accident at work. A hot rivet dropped down her drawers and she fell off the oil rig.

Take my wife ... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.

I'm the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum.

You do something you're really quite proud of, and the public doesn't like it. Then you do something that perhaps you're not at all happy with and the public loves it. And that's the moment of truth, because it's the audience that's the final judge.

I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir; we're stock-taking.'

When I was a child, I had wax in my ears. Dad didn't take me to the doctor, he used me as a night light.

My wife sent her photograph to the lonely hearts club. They sent it back, said they weren't that lonely.

I took the wife's family out for tea biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though.

I toyed with the idea of playing Ravel's 'Pavane pour une infante defunte' but I couldn't remember if it's a tune or Latin prescription for piles.

My mother-in-law had to stop skipping for exercise. It registered seven on the Richter scale.

I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.

Slumps don't bother me.

I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.

Despite the fact that feminists say they're not getting a fair deal, women are still very powerful.

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.

Funny thing how you first meet the woman that you marry. I first met the wife in a tunnel of love. She was digging it.

I was sat at the bottom of the garden a week ago, smoking a reflective cheroot, thinking about this and that - mostly that, and I just happened to glance at the night sky and I marvelled at the millions of stars glistening like pieces of quicksilver thrown carelessly onto black velvet. In awe I watched the waxen moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an amber chariot towards the void of infinite space wherein the tethered bolts of Jupiter and Mars hang forever in their orbital majesty; and as I looked at all this, I thought, 'I must put a roof on this lavatory.

The mother-in-law is the centre of a family.

My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.

The way prices are rising, the good old days are last week.

I've just had some bad news. Tomorrow is the mother in law's funeral. And she's cancelled it.

My mother-in-law said, 'One day I will dance on your grave.' I said 'I hope you do; I will be buried at sea.'

My mother-in-law has so many wrinkles, when she smiles she looks like a Venetian blind.