Funny Kids Quotes

When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said. ~ Steven Wright

Rose's work of art took her all day, including two playtimes, story time, and most of lunch.
At the end of school it was stolen from her by the wicked teacher who had pretended to be so interested.
"Beautiful- what-is-it?" she asked as she pinned it high on the wall, where Rose could not reach.
"They take your pictures," said Indigo, ... when he finally made out what all the roaring and stamping was about. "They do take them ... Why do you want that picture so much?" he asked Rose.
"It was my best ever," said Rose furiously. "I hate school. I hate everyone in it. I will kill them all when I'm big enough."
"You can't just go round killing people," Indigo told her ... ~ Hilary McKay

I can only drive slowly."
"That's all right."
"And I can only do left turns."
Rose ran downstairs, grabbed a road atlas, and ran triumphantly back up again. "Wales is left! Look! It's left all the way! ~ Hilary McKay

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules? ~ Steven Wright

I used to wonder why I had hair on my legs, but now I know it's for my toddler sons and daughters to pull themselves up off the ground with as I scream in pain. ~ Jim Gaffigan

My dad had this thing - everyone in Canada wants to play hockey; that's all they want to do. So when I was a kid, whenever we skated my dad would not let us on the ice without hockey sticks, because of this insane fear we would become figure skaters! ~ Norm MacDonald

I used to binge-eat and make myself throw up. I was a fat kid. Obviously I didn't quite master the bulimia. ~ Russell Brand

When I'm 70 I might be a man in a park just wandering around, speaking in tongues with kids throwing bread at me. ~ Noel Fielding

They always give you three ketchup packets. When you go back up and ask for more, the guy handing them out always treats you like you're taking from his personal stash. "Looks like my kids aren't having ketchup tonight." ~ Jim Gaffigan

Sometimes I feel like I'm making a connection with a stranger, but then it turns out I'm not. Like, I was in a mall, and I saw this lady hitting her kid. So I went up to her, and I was like, "Yeah, get him!" She got all mad at me. I was like, "I'm on your side here." ~ Demetri Martin

When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny. ~ Emo Philips

A family is a group of people who keep confusing you with someone you were as a kid. ~ Robert Brault

I know what dissipate means, Arty. I'm not three, for heaven's sake. ~ Eoin Colfer

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much. ~ Bill Cosby

Once I stand and watch helplessly while some rug rat pulls everything he can reach off the racks, and the thought that abortion is wasted on the unborn must show on my face, because his mother finally tells him to stop. ~ Barbara Ehrenreich

Invalidating a woman's life choices by saying things like, "Oh, but you'll regret it if you don't have kids," or, "I didn't think I wanted kids either until I had one," is like me going to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and telling the newly sober that eventually when they grow old, they'll want to take the edge off with a little gin and tonic and that if they could only just be mature enough to control themselves, they could go on a fun wine-tasting tour in the Napa Valley. ~ Jen Kirkman

We had to break up, though. We wanted different things - like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear. ~ Amy Schumer

Why do I have to feed the kids? They just ate twelve hours ago! ~ Bill Cosby

I wonder why Steven wasn't at swimming club tonight?" Archie asked.
"He's caught bronchitis," Mrs Akran said.
Imran thought for a second before replying. "I would like to catch a dinosaur too. I wonder what he feeds it?"
Archie looked at his friend his face looked as if he was in pain before he burst out laughing. "Imran you're tragic. Bronchitis is like a bad cold it's not a type of dinosaur. ~ Mark A. Cooper

The surprising thing is that I was not funny in high school. I was always jealous of the funny kids because they always got the girls. I couldn't tell a joke to save my life. ~ Seann William Scott

I just want to say to the kids out there watching: You can do anything you want in life. Unless Jay Leno wants to do it too. ~ Conan O'Brien

There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years the dirt doesn't get any worse. ~ Quentin Crisp

I scoop a clattering cascade of green apple Jelly Bellys into the white paper bag and remember when we were seven. I got stung by a jellyfish. Tim cried because his mother, and mine, wouldn't let him pee on my leg, which he'd heard was an antidote to the sting. ~ Huntley Fitzpatrick

I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone, ... I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is going to remember me when he's 50. ~ Dane Cook

When I was a little kid I always wanted to be ginger. My best friend was ginger and he was pretty cool. ~ Noel Fielding

There are just so many funny kids and teenagers. They're just not aware of how funny they are. ~ Vanessa Bayer

I know when I was a kid I ate a beetle. I ate a beetle because I thought it was licorice. ~ Karl Pilkington

All the kids with fancy shoes or clothes, do you know what I got with a family of nine? When ever we said let's play poker, we had a full team of adults right there. ~ Julia Marriott

Those on the left who scream about income gaps choose to focus on the success of those at the top rather than the failures of those at the bottom. They conveniently ignore that liberals are the ones who have pushed the moral relativisim and welfare-state dependence that has destroyed black families over the last 60 years. And it is these same liberals who fight to keep low-income kids in failing public schools and fight efforts to get school choice. ~ Star Parker

The school had a big problem with drugs ... especially Class A. ~ Milton Jones

Penn is the brains behind this event. On behalf of my brothers, and all of the kids in the program, I'd like to say thank you." Neil winked. "It seems that the four of us just can't function without a strong, focused woman telling us what to do. ~ Gina Gordon

The only job worse is a javelin catcher at a track - and - field meet. ~ Gump Worsley

I learned not to go in the sun early on in my career. A tan lasts for a week or two before it fades, and the sun is so damaging - it's not worth it. I put sunscreen on my kids every day before school and before they play outside. They know the routine. ~ Heidi Klum

My friend "M" says the irony of being a zombie is that everything is funny, but you can't smile, because your lips have rotted off. ~ Isaac Marion

In most countries, attending some kind of early childhood program (i.e., preschool or prekindergarten) led to real and lasting benefits. On average, kids who did so for more than a year scored much higher in math by age fifteen (more than a year ahead of other students). But in the United States, kids' economic backgrounds overwhelmed this advantage. The quality of the early childhood program seemed to matter more than the quantity. ~ Amanda Ripley

I had examined myself pretty thoroughly and discovered that I was unfit for military service. ~ Joseph Heller

I loved Jordan. He was one of the greatest athletes of our time. ~ Mariah Carey

The things that make me angry still make me angry. George Carlin is 67, and he's still as funny as he's ever been, and he's still angry. And that makes me feel good, because I feel like if I stick around long enough, I'll still be able to work. ~ Denis Leary

Something fell and George was off, barking like a mad dog. What if whoever is back there hurts him?
Oh. My. Goodness. If I do die, I can do so happily now. That man's eyes were so blue - and I swore they changed color.
"I made a huge mistake," Jake said as he took the leash off of George. "I said p-i-z-z-a out loud. And he took off at a fast jog all the way back here from the park right through Ms. Helen's sprinklers down the street."
And then nothing…no words entered my brain. I sniffed and quickly nodded, like I was about to cry. "Okay. Right. Amen."
Then I forced myself to slow down and not run back to my seat. ~ Candace Havens

The writer is both a sadist and a masochist. We create people we love, and then we torture them. The more we love them, and the more cleverly we torture them along the lines of their greatest vulnerability and fear, the better the story. ~ Janet Fitch

When I see other people out there, involved, and really giving their time and effort for the kids, then I don't mind giving my time and effort for the kids as well. ~ LaMarr Woodley

Nevertheless, he was already a sick man. He had gotten more than gas at Bill Hapscomb's Texaco. And he gave Harry Trent more than a speeding summons. ~ Stephen King

If you're really worried about the effect of "Silent Night" on the kids, you need a hobby or something, and I'm glad you're pointing that out. ~ Howard Dean

No one should be ashamed to speak up. Shame makes it easy for neglect and abuse and bullying to stay huddled together in their dark corner. It's time to throw the switch on this spotlight. If I can inspire other kids to speak their truth, then everything I've been through will have been worth it. ~ Susane Colasanti

One reason we have children I think is to learn that parts of ourselves we had given up for dead are merely dormant and that the old joys can re emerge fresh and new and in a completely different form. ~ Anne Fadiman

On the personal side, family is really important to me. I have a big family - five kids and 12 grandkids - so keeping that going is wonderful. And I do a lot of philanthropy. I'm chairman of the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art. ~ Charles Schwab

At least May and Will had grabbed the bus twenty minutes earlier and were probably already at school. They'd gone back the Monday after the funeral. "Luckily" Natalie had passed away over winter break, or at least that's what at least half the out-of-state relatives kept saying. "How nice the kids don't have to miss any school." Luke had to work really hard to bite his tongue. As ~ Emily Bleeker

Furthermore
though it was quite irrelevant now
he had no idea his killer, Kazuo Kiriyama, had, in his mansion that was much larger than Toshinori's home in Shiroiwa-cho, mastered the violin at a level far superior to Toshinori's a long time ago
and then tossed his violin into the trash. ~ Koushun Takami

I don't get a lot of time with my children. My time is precious, and time with my two kids is like gold dust to me. I can't get that time back. ~ Tim Howard

What do you mean he drew a dick on the wall...you mean like a man dick...Christ, I swear, the kids are not mine ~ Shey Stahl

I like the values in Flicka, and I wanted to do a movie my kids could see and be proud of. ~ Tim McGraw

I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

Never have more children than you have car windows. ~ Erma Bombeck

His eyes go wide while a gasp of wonder passes his lips. He turns his body fully toward us. His lips moving like a fish out of water, gasping for breath. He gives his head a shake and stutters out, Mer - mermaids. There are fish with women's bodies or - women with fish bodies sitting upon the rocks. I - I never knew ... ~ A.R. Von

The things that I'm talking about not knowing, they're not mysteries of the universe; it's just stuff I thought I would know by the time I was thirty-nine. ~ Jeff Foxworthy

It was more like two scared kids huddling in the dark when they knew the monster under the bed wasn't just real, but was holding a grudge. ~ Laurell K. Hamilton

It's a shame, but also for kids it's so easy now for them to download it to their phone and listen to it everywhere. If you go to Lille Eurostar station there is music playing: Why? What's the point? It's like showing someone a movie on a small crappy screen. It should be sounding good! There's a lot of noise pollution, in that sense. ~ Stephen Dewaele

They throw Winfield out at second, but he's safe. ~ Jerry Coleman

This is one of mommy's friends, buddy," I told Gavin. (...)
"You're Mommy's fwiend?" he questioned.
Carter just nodded with his mouth open and no sound coming out. I'm pretty sure he didn't even hear Gavin. Someone could have asked him if he liked to watch gay porn while painting pictures of kittens and he would have nodded his head. Before anyone could react, Gavin pulled back one of his little fists of fury and slammed it right into Carters manhood. He immediately bent over at the waist, clutching his hands between his legs and gasping for breath.
"Oh my God! Gavin!" I yelled, as I scrambled over to him, bent down and turned him around to face me while my dad and Liz laughed like hyenas behind me.
"What is wrong with you? We don't hit people. EVER," I scolded.
While Carter tried to breathe again, my dad managed to stop laughing long enough to apologize.
"Sorry, Claire, that's probably my fault. I let Gavin watch "Fight Club" with me last night."
"Your fwiends got you sick the other night. You said he was your fwiend," Gavin explained, like it made all the sense in the world.
This just made my dad laugh even louder.
"Not helping, Dad," I growled through clenched teeth.
"You don't make my mommy sick, dicky-punk!"
Gavin yelled at Carter, putting his two little fingers up by his eyes, and then pointing them right at Carter just like Liz had done to him earlier.
"Jesus Christ," Carter wheezed. "Did he just th ~ Tara Sivec

There are two ways to pass a hurdle: leaping over or plowing through ... There needs to be a monster truck option. ~ Jeph Jacques

With two kids it's hard to find down time to write so I often write during their nap time. ~ Tori Spelling