Karl Pilkington Quotes

If you had five photos of anuses, I could not point mine out.

Sometimes you can know too much. A lot of brainy people like Stephen Fry are quite depressive.

What happens if someone else has my eyes, and they start looking at stuff I don't like? I don't like the idea of that.

I was still using my eyes even though I had them shut

I know when I was a kid I ate a beetle. I ate a beetle because I thought it was licorice.

I've never been touched by such an old man.

You never see an old man eating a Twix

It's 2006, why are they still using the index finger?

You can only live to be so old, then you gotta let go.

There's fish in here that I've read about that are so see-through that they're invisible. So I don't even think they know they exist.

The problem is, these days you have to listen to too many parts of your body. Sometimes I go with my gut feeling, some say go with what your heart says - it's only a matter of time before my appendix will have an opinion. This is probably why there are so many helplines these days. No one knows who to bloody listen to!

A life without death would be like a day without sleep.

It's weird how me and that insect are miles apart in terms of lifestyle, yet we both like a biscuit.

What I mean is, I don't know what I mean ...

the bus was running late, but in truth this was no surprise. Delhi probably got its name from the word 'delay'.

As long as you're remembering baby Jesus, does it matter when you're remembering him. That's what I'm saying about Christmas, I might not be in the mood for it December 25th.

Stay green, stay in the woods, and stay safe.

I've always wanted to kick a duck up the ass.

Where you are is what you eat. When I'm in London I'll have beans on toast for lunch. On holiday - what? Tapas? Go on then I'll have a bit. You eat whatevers in that area.

We're gonna get weaker. That's already happened. They used to say, you know, an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Now they're saying eat five fruits. That's evidence. You can't argue with that.

I'm more open to give things a go, but what I'm not good at yet is holding back. If something is daft or rubbish, I just go, I can't be doing it.

They keep saying that sea levels are rising an' all this. It's nowt to do with the icebergs melting, it's because there's too many fish in it. Get rid of some of the fish and the water will drop. Simple. Basic science.

Whether it's a relationship or a toaster that's broken, they just replace it. You're bound to fall out and have arguments and you should work at getting the relationship back together, but nobody wants to any more.

DONNA: She doesn't like office equipment, so we let her come out here and tear up office equipment. For people who don't like TVs, they can break TVs. If you don't like cars, you can break cars. If you don't like living-room things, you can break living-room things. Do you have something that you don't like? KARL: Vandalism. So this doesn't really work for me, does it?

With identical twins, you always get a little snidey one.

They say it all started out with a big bang. But, what I wonder is, was it a big bang or did it just seem big because there wasn't anything else drown it out at the time?

You don't have to do it straight away, but just do it before it gets really bad

By 78 you've done everything you're going to do. If you haven't bungee-jumped by the time you're 78 you're not going to do it.

We're just a weed in the universe

From someone whose dad buys him a spade for Christmas, I thought you'd be grateful!

We came from the sea originally, now we're going back in it. Don't go in it, unless you're in a boat.

Comedy's really subjective, you know; that's why it's so hard.

We've had the Iron Age, the Stone Age, this is the pissin' about age.

It is hard eating a little kangaroo knob.

Parrots have gone a bit quiet since pirates have gone.

It's easier to have a go at something again when you failed at it as you've got nowt to lose.

Shitty nappy whizzing through the air, you don't see that in the brochures.

A single vision is more perfect than a committee vision because with everyone having their say, it becomes compromised.

They're limited edition,' she said. 'Listen,' I said 'they're not limited enough. These shouldn't have been made at all.

There is no need for ants to have the ability to fly

I think it's mental to pay for water. Where is that water coming from? Are they in the hills puttin' it into bottles when years ago it used to roll down and go into the lakes?

If you haven't got eyes, you shouldn't have wings

They do it in Thai restaurants in London. You ask for a drink, and it comes in a glass with loads of seaweed and pebbles in it like a scene from Finding Nemo.

At some point, some insect has had sex with a leaf.

Be the ugly one, look at the nice one.

The only reason you don't go on holiday, is 'cause you have to spend money.

Apparently you're not allowed to lick a toad's back.

Why didn't evolution make a giraffe good at carpentry so it could build a ladder?

I've always found cherubs a bit sinister. The idea of winged babies flying around with no nappies on seems like an accident waiting to happen. There would be shit everywhere. If I saw a cherub flying about in real life it would terrify me, whereas a Cyclops, which is another mythical being, wouldn't scare me at all, as it's just a bloke with one eye. He'd be registered disabled and get a decent parking space in today's world.

There was always something. It's like with this one, there's always something that's mad that I look back on it and go, that's pretty amazing to say that I've done that or been there.

I'm not invited to any exciting parties and my life hasn't really changed.

I saw a bee have a heart attack ...

I know who I am. Bloody hell, I'm getting enough bills for Karl Pilkington so I hope I am him, 'cos if I'm not, I have no idea who I'm paying for.

I don't really like surprises. Not big ones anyway. Just having a pack of Revels holds enough of a surprise for me.

The only memory I have was how the wrestler's balls that were thrust into my face left a saltiness on my lips. At first I assumed it was from the tacos, and then I realised I'd not eaten any today. I

Me mum used to always have the radio on - even now she has it on in every room. Me girlfriend sort of blames that reason for me not doing that well at school - constant noise, really.

That's the problem with them fables, they're putting animals together that wouldn't meet. I don't know where a scorpion is knockin' around with a frog.

The Tudors, I don't even know if I had a family back then.

The Web is the new book though, innit?

With evolution, things are always changing, so I sort of think: Should we all be growing three heads?

I sometimes wonder how we're short of cod. There's gonna be a load deep down that are hiding. But it's a good reason to put the price up, and it means a load of people will have haddock. They should tell people they're running out of all sorts. Make 'em panic a bit.

It's like there's some unwritten rule that if you're mates, you can say what you want to each other, and you don't really get that annoyed about it.

I am pessimistic, I think that's the best way to be, because if you're always expecting the best - the best doesn't always happen. Nine times out of 10 it doesn't. I'm surprised when things go smoothly. I don't know what's wrong with being pessimistic - unless you are such a pessimist that you don't do anything.

Now sometimes I don't know if I feel well. Because I've been in my body for years.

Being honest with you, it's not the 'great' wall of China. It's an all right wall. It's the 'All Right Wall of China.'

This is the problem with inventing. Virtually everything has been done already. These days most things are just the same things but tweaked. Everything is 'new and improved'.

They've found this spider, in the jungle. Three foot long, it eats chicken. Bit weird, innit. People moan saying that you shouldn't lock animals up and all the rest of it, but to be honest I wish it was locked up. The idea that it's roaming in a jungle ... get it locked up.

The reason I did the book about holidays is that you're a different person on holiday. You're sleeping somewhere unfamiliar, knocking about with people you've never met and for 10 days you're someone else. You're out of your comfortable zone.

Everyone is living for everyone else now. They're doing stuff so they can tell other people about it. I don't get all that social media stuff, I've always got other things I want to do - odd jobs around the house. No one wants to hear about that.

People say if bees die out, the world would end, apparently. Now, I don't know if that's true, if that's some bee enthusiast who managed to write a good document, and people believe this.

A slug is always on its own. It is a lonely insect.

All fame is is having people you don't know coming up to you and saying, 'Hello.' I'm always polite and people are always nice, but it's weird.

The ball sack is supposed to be wrinkly; they're not bloody worry lines! I can't believe there's a machine that fixes this. I don't even own an iron. Balls don't need ironing! They're like a shellsuit, they're meant to be crease-looking. And anyway, I've sat on them most of the time, so they'd only get creased again. As for getting your arse bleached, I don't know what to make out that. I couldn't tell you what mine looks like. If you showed five photos of various anuses, I couldn't pick mine out from a line-up. I never understood why barbers used to show me the back of my head in a mirror after a quick trim, so I certainly wouldn't worry about the colour of my anus. I'd say if you're worrying about the colour of your anus, things must be good, as you can't have proper worries in your life.

I had a coconut on the way, which was another first for me. A drink and food all in one. It didn't look like the normal coconuts you win at fairgrounds. There was no hair on it. I don't know if that's how they grow here or if it's that Brazilians hate hair on anything and they've waxed them.

People say Dolphins are intelligent and that but they've never done anything that have blown me away. They say I'm a div and Dolphins are intelligent ... It just baffles me.

We all just want to sit on our ass.

Honestly, all the trouble Noah went to saving the animals two by two and now we're making handbags out of them. I

I don't know any Londoners 'cos I'm from Manchester.

You never get an angry man suddenly breaking into a whistle.

People who live in glass houses ... have to answer the door.

Fishing: I don't really like it. I don't really like the expression on the fish's face.

So you're sayin that it's easy to send somat up to space, but you don't believe there's a little banana machine?

Me in a one-man tent crouching over carrier bag. It's not just the lowest point of the trip. It's the lowest point ever. In 38 years.

[Jellyfish] are 97% water or something, so how much are they doing? Just give them another 3% and make them water. It's more useful.

from the ceiling but made little difference. I sat wondering if it was part of Brazilian tradition to invite someone to stay but then fuck off out for the evening. Seems a bit odd to me. I

Normally you can't hear you're own voice because you're talking over it.

It would be spiteful to put a Jellyfish in a trifle.

I told her that I can't be doing with the Wonder part of these trips, but she said it should be the icing on the cake ... I've never liked wedding cake due to the amount of icing, but then imagine a wedding cake without it; just a dark, stodgy, horrible dry sponge. The icing covers up the mess, and that's how I feel about most of the Wonders. They use them to get people to visit a place that you probably wouldn't think about visiting.

Everywhere we walked we got plenty of attention due to the camera and sound men. The locals love to get on camera. [ ... ] I'd seen footage of Gandhi surrounded like this and always thought it was because he was very popular, but now I wonder if it was just because he had a camera crew with him.

I am into nature and seeing whales. I went whale-watching, and I was really looking forward to that, but when you see it on TV and you see other programs do it, you're seeing close-ups of these massive creatures, and the music that's added gives you a certain feeling.

If you'd have told me five years ago that I'd have done all this - two books, some television and everything - I'd panic, I'd be scared.

I think it's clever how Rome have kept a load of old stuff. There's no overheads, yet people are going over there to see it.

I've done some luxury flying, which is brilliant. It has only happened once or twice, but it was nice because flying is the worst part of the holiday. But then again, if the plane crashes, you're still dead. For that much money I'd want a little capsule that whizzed me off to safety if it was going to crash.

For me, a good holiday is about value for money rather than things to see.

I don't understand why people take pictures of mimes. Everyone looks like a mime in a picture.

I've never worried about life's big questions.

I look at life like a big book and sometimes you get half way through it and go 'Even though I've been enjoying it, I've had enough. Give us another book

Why is it alright to be going around, going mental with a gun, shooting all the monkeys and killing them? Because one day we're going to run out.

People always tell me I'm going to regret not having kids. But what if I have one and then I regret having it? Has anyone thought of that option?

Got back and went to use the loo in Room 5 and was shocked at the state of it. Christian the producer was not well and had made a mess of it and the walls surrounding it. Even the cockroaches were running out the door. For the first time in my life I was aware that my face did a disgusted look. I decided I'd rather do it on the street than sit in there.