Dane Cook Quotes

When you're on a movie set and you are hopefully making a comedy, everyone's stifling their laughter. You're looking at the crew guys, hoping someone is making that face like, and not like, this is not working out, man.

I was told by a girl once that I should teach a course on how to kiss properly. I thought that was really a nice compliment. I then asked her what she thought about my sexual prowess and she recommended I talk to a guy she used to date. Body blow.

I think that people who do enjoy my stand-up comedy and the people who get it and the people who are taken in by it, they see that I'm a guy that has love of the game.

There's estrogen running through my veins!

On stage I am the actor, director and the bouncer all at the same time. Fear does not exist in this dojo does it? No Sensi! Sorry when I get excited I have to toss in some Karate Kid quotes.

When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer.

I once overheard the sweetest old woman behind me on a train tell her adorable old husband as he scoffed down a ham sandwich she had brought along, "If you ever yell at me to "stop bringing a ham sandwich with me every where we go" again? Next time I'm bringing a gun. And I'm blowing your God damn head off."

I was not a silly kid or outgoing. In fact, I suffered from quite a bit of anxiety. I used to have panic attacks when I was a teenager, really incapacitating moments, because I had some phobias.

You are the director of your own life story. Don't cast idiots or people will walk out during your 2nd act.

What happens in Vegas, I'm telling everyone.

It's hard dealing with day to day disappointments and feeling like you can't find success. Especially when your best friend is Pixar.

If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny.

I'm interested in doing everything and anything that I can to squeeze that creativity out of my brain. I guess I'm sort of a performance rat.

A lot of comics are kind of vampire types; we do our shows and disappear into the night. My philosophy was, this is like politics, and if I want people to know about my campaign, I'm going to go out there and shake hands.

I like fearless characters, people just not afraid to do anything it takes to make people laugh.

Teach your kids to make deplorable choices and hopefully they'll rebel and make the right ones.

I'm not racist, I've got a black president.

Start each day out the holy way..with Christ Chex, it's a miracle in a bowl. Just open the box and you hear AHHHHH ... and then a lil' angel flies out and says 'good morning, life is beautiful!'.

My favorite sexual position is when the girl is facing Mecca and I am fighting off a wolf.

When I first hit the scene, it was just a lot of go, go, go, go, go. I have a lot of natural energy anyway, but it was over the top.

It's not for any purpose such as religion, health, or things like that, I just never felt I had the need or want to drink or do drugs.

When you don't have love, it is like there's a party going on and everybody was invited except for you ... and you just happen to walk by that house in the rain

I say God bless you, I don't say bless you ... I am not the Lord, I can't do that.

I always wanted to do a B&E. Not bacon and eggs. Although I could always go for bacon and eggs. I'm talking about breaking in and entering.

If you lie to a person at least tell someone else you've lied to the truth. It balances out your karma.

My mom and dad passed away from cancer. Within nine months, I lost both of my folks. Immediately after that, I had a horrible betrayal where my brother, who worked for me, stole a lot of my money. He's in jail now.

It was peace. Peace is when you would shake the hands of the people around you. And you knew peace was coming because the priest would say it five times rapid fire. He'd go, My peace I leave, my peace I give to you. While we ate Reese's Pieces with the Lord. And I have a piece of lint in my peaceful eye!

Created a word game to play with a person you're fighting with. Silent Treatment. Nothing happens until one of you quietly says, Hey, you hungry?

Hi, I'm a buck tooth and I like to be outside past the lips.

If my voice can resonate that way with kids, maybe it will resonate through 'Planes' as well, and they'll hear that little something that I'm giving to them, a performance that says to them, "I want to try." It's all interconnected. I don't think it's thinking too deeply about it.

I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone, ... I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is going to remember me when he's 50.

I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

My grandmother died of natural causes. Or as my family calls it murdered by the lord.

When a guy says "I have no idea what you're talking about" it means "I'm thinking of exactly what you're saying I did while I lie to you."

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

I love being on stage if I'm not on a set. If I'm at home, I'm usually in my office editing or reconstructing my website or whatever it may be. I just love putting creativity into a performance, so if the right script comes along, and I certainly am reading comedies and dramas now, then I'm ready willing and able to give it a shot.

Strip clubs are great places to meet interesting people you only wanna know for about 40 minutes.

Let's talk a little about love. Sometimes you meet somebody and you have what is known as a relationship and things can go great. If things go great you have a great relationship. Sometimes it doesn't go so great and I call that a relationshit!

People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.

I'm interested in doing anything and everything that I can to squeeze the creativity out of my brain. I guess I'm kind of a performance rat, that's what I want to do, I love being on stage if I'm not on a set. I just love putting creativity into a performance.

I was doing comedy in laundry mats in 1992, literally where I would bring a little gorilla amp and a lapel mike and just start performing.

Pain only hurts when you are looking for a reason to quit. You don't feel a thing when you know you can still win.

If you're drunk please don't drive. If you're on shrooms please don't think Walmart's a prison for bad clothing that needs help escaping.

You know your girls up to no good when her and her friends make a pact to post nothing on Instagram.

I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin!

I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such.

I don't have to do anything for anyone else's benefit anymore. I just want to exceed my own expectations.

Here's the thing about Red Sox fans, or actually just fans from that region, in general: they appreciate the effort. And if you mail it in or if you give 80 percent, even with a win, they'll let you know that's not how you do it. They want - if it's comedian, if it's a musician, bring us your best show.

Then it was snack time, right in the middle of mass. Right out of nowhere, the priest would look down and say, 'Let's have some yum yums!' You would get in line - you would jump in the line - and you would go up and get the crouton O'Christ.

Three weeks ago one of my dreams came true. I finally got to see something I always wanted to witness live. I finally saw someone get hit by a car ... Nailed!

I think beating someone to death with a ukulele would just sound funny.

My professional dreams were coming true while I was living a personal nightmare.

I love singing along to the radio while I'm riding in the back of a squad car.

We're all gonna lie, we're all gonna cry, and we're all gonna take painful shits.

They used to beat me up after Sunday School, I used to get beat up ... yeah, that's a nice little thank you from Jesus.

I don't know if I could kill someone with a frozen turkey because that is a lot of evidence to eat ... unless I found a whole room of people who also wanted that person dead.

I do try to keep my show very improvisational. I don't work off a set list; I like to keep it more in the moment. I like to have information about where I'm going, what might be happening in that particular region as well. I like for people to feel like the show is for them.

Comedy is immediate. Comedy is a solo mission. You're all by yourself, up there. And when you're in a film, on a set, it's a collaborative effort. It's about me being a tool for somebody else to create a story and a character from nothing, from their imagination.

Someone needs to make a zombie movie where when you get bit it turns you into a singing and dancing extraordinaire.

Time machine ... wouldn't you like to travel through time? I would. I'd go back ... mess with people. You know what I would do? I would go back to when my mom and dad were having sex, to have me. Ya'know, come in, spank my dad on the ass I'm your son from the future! Ahaha!

I don't like people that litter. If you don't throw a wrapper in the trashcan and you just toss it out on the ground I wanna take you and toss you into outer space.

That MySpace is the story of the year. Everyone but my mother is on it.

If you're 1 of the 3 girls in pics with a greaseball whose arms are around you at a club you lose at life. If you're the greaseball you win.

I have faith in all mankind. Well,not faith really, more like hopeful suspicion. And not "all" but 5 people. Mankind meaning computers.

I'm really great in other peoples relationships.

You have to have a strong sense of humor to date me, and also know that you're probably going to be a part of the routine quite a bit.

Saw a lost dog sign with a pic of the dog and a little boy hugging it. I'm assuming the kids safe and we're just focusing on the pooch.

The little boy inside of all us men always loves something video game related.

I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't hate anyone. I simply block them out using hellish visions in a blind white rage. But if I see them out I'm pleasant.

I'm a late-night guy.

The problem with dating a model is they won't go out with you if your cars color doesn't match their outfit.

Nothing is a better icebreaker than a great joke.

There will be a guy in a yellow poncho, his name is Hank, he will take you to the whopper lair.

In school I was pretty quiet. Kinda shy until my junior year. But at home I was a freak.

I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.

I'm curious by individuals that embrace half a story so they can justify how incomplete they feel about their own self worth.

I believe in people getting what's coming to them but don't hold grudges either. We all hurt people, fail & hopefully grow from adversity. Basically, eat shit & thrive

I'm fine, I am just going to go over here and puke shards of my own pelvis into this bush.

The key to attempting to create art in some aspect is also knowing that it will turn some people off.

You know you're lazy when you run out of toilet paper and use the cardboard roll to wipe with.

Sometimes sex is just a way to escape having to talk to that person.

I feel like I was born and bred to stay self-motivated. I'm not one of those people who ho-hums and feels sorry for himself when something's bad.

I grew up very self-loathing. I was a phobic. I had anxiety. I had panic attacks.

You need to open up your soul and have a weep-a-thon.

I'm not giving up on life. I'm giving up on today.

My nickname for my mom was 'The Compass.'

My fam is just a regular family. But all of them have great senses of humor.

Some people have constipation of the brain but their mouth has the runs.

I'm watching some television tonight. I'm watching The Discovery Channel. You know, this channel, you never ever plan on watching this. It just happens. You're flickin' around, all of a sudden - boom - you're watching a mole for an hour-and-a-half.

You know your gut instincts are spot on about a person when you can also detect a water source in the soil beneath them.

I don't know if I could rebuild an airplane engine, but I know a little bit about rotors and rivets.

I feel like the gods have certainly patted me on the head.

We never had a pool, right. So one summer, I remember. My dad, to make me happy. You know I was bummed out cause we didn't have the pool. So one summer he bought us this thing. It was yellow, you laid it on the lawn, sprayed it with the water, run across. Slip n' Slide. Yeah. Would have been fun if dad checked for rocks before he laid it down! Slip n' Bleed from the anus they should have called this ride.

You have to learn the crowd. I just pay attention to them so I can make sure I can make them laugh.

Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

After you have loss in your life and after you experience something like losing your parents, the greatest gift of that was it prepared me for [anything]. Nothing else is as scary, and certainly stand-up comedy is not as scary as sitting there with your mom and having to have last conversations and things like that. It's heavy stuff, but it's enlightening because it makes me think I shouldn't be afraid of sharing ideas and thoughts with people. It's the yin and the yang of life.