Depression Humor Quotes

I rummaged through the drawers in search of a strong poison. I thought of nothing as I looked; I had to get it over with as quickly as possible. It was as if it were an everyday task I needed to do.
All I could find were things of no use to me: buttons, string, thread of various colors, notebooks - all strongly redolent of naphthalene and none capable of causing a man's death. Buttons, thread, and string - that is what the world contained at this most tragic of moments. ~ Max Blecher

I think I might be bi-polar. It's not normal to be this emotionally unstable. ~ Michelle N. Onuorah

Write out of depression. Edit into depression. ~ Mari Stewart

There's major depression, and then there's clinical depression. Major depression is what makes you jump off a bridge. I have clinical depression. I jump out of first story windows. It's the psychological equivalent of lying on a bed of rubber nails. ~ Doug Westberg

What's the difference between depression and South America?
If you really had to, you could conquer South America. ~ Doug Westberg

As a confirmed melancholic, I can testify that the best and maybe only antidote for melancholia is action. However, like most melancholics, I suffer also from sloth. ~ Edward Abbey

Did I miss the denial, anger, and bargaining phases, or did you leap straight to depression? ~ Kat Lowe

Oh, precious losing streak,
you're too cute for your own good.
I try to laugh about it
but my face is made of wood. ~ Casey Renee Kiser

To fit the individual to live and to function in the institutional life of his day. ~ Max Braithwaite

My doctor has given me as strong an antihistamine as she is allowed to prescribe, but even that does nothing for the itching and swelling. The moment a grain of pollen enters the keep, I begin to tomato, and after two minutes of being exposed to the Ejaculateum Arboratoeaea, I am lying on the ground with my tongue lolling out of the side of my mouth.
I am heartily glad that the trees and plants are still interested in copulatory activities; I only wish they would be so good as to keep their sperm away from my face. Do not pretend that pollen is anything else; it transfers haploid male genetic material and sullies the bedclothes unmercifully. ~ Michelle Franklin

Where would we be without our painful childhoods? ~ Rebecca McNutt

Onions make me sad. A lot of people don't realize that. ~ Mitch Hedberg

I find nothing more depressing than optimism. ~ Paul Fussell

Prideful fool. It hurt his feelings that he couldn't make my crazy go away. You know how men are. Always trying to fix things can't be fixed. ~ Ken Wheaton

I think it would be best if, when you're having suicidal thoughts of stabbing yourself, that you try to think of rainbows instead."
"Rainbows?" Ann said hugging a pillow.
"Yeah," Lisa said, standing back to look at her wall art. "Ya know - happy, bright, refreshing, the calm after the storm, God's gift to the earth."
"Or the aliens' gift," Ann added.
"Course," Lisa agreed. "Can't rule that out. ~ Sage Steadman

Nothing succeeds like success. Kill me now. ~ Doug Westberg

Because ... most of us think that the point is something to do with work, or kids, or family, or whatever. But you don't have any of that. There's nothing between you and despair, and you don't seem a very desperate person.'
'Too stupid.'
'You're not stupid. So why don't you ever put your head in the oven?'
'I don't know. There's always a new Nirvana album to look forward to, or something happening in NYPD Blue to make you want to watch the next episode.'
'Exactly.'
'That's the point? NYPD Blue? Jesus.' It was worse than he thought.
'No, no. The point is you keep going. You want to. So all the things that make you want to are the point. I don't know if you even realize it, but on the quiet you don't think life's too bad. You love things. Telly. Music. Food. ~ Nick Hornby

For how long would I be trapped in the condition of melancholy without going insane? ~ Neda Aria

When your past shows up to haunt you, make sure it comes after supper so it doesn't ruin your whole day. ~ Jay Wickre

Cartooning will destroy you; it will break your heart. ~ Charles M. Schulz

I performed for the U.S. troops in Guantanamo Bay. And signed autographs for people who've been gone from America for so long they didn't realize that I'm not famous. ~ Mike Birbiglia

This is the dark. Lights strung up all the way.
Depression; and driven deeper in,
by hunger, pistols, and despair,
they took the tunnel. ~ Muriel Rukeyser

Either hide this well or destroy it. It was the family motto. ~ Jill Lepore

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading ... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time. ~ Steven Wright

You have to fight for your marriage, do whatever it takes. The commitment has to be there. And if you don't have a sense of humor, I don't know how anybody makes it. ~ Kay Robertson

Amelia Bedelia," said Mrs. Rogers,
"Christmas is just around the corner."
"It is?" said Amelia Bedelia. "Which corner?"
Mrs. Rogers lauhged and said,
"I mean tomorrow is Christmas Day."
"I know that," said Amelia Bedelia. ~ Peggy Parish

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets. ~ Demetri Martin

I hate Risk. I have for many years now. I hate that you still like Risk. I hate that you guilt me into playing with you because no one else will. I hate that you do the accents of the countries you're attacking from. And I hate that you wear a beret every time we play. God, do I hate the beret. ~ Colin Nissan

By any rights, he should be dead. He was involved in an explosion with a bomb, which he happened to be carrying at the time. Conrad is something of a scientific miracle. There are more than thirty metal pins in his body. He has a metal plate in his skull. There are metal wires in his jaw and in most of his major joints."
"He must set off a lot of airport alarms," Alex muttered. ~ Anthony Horowitz

Humor is really one of the hardest things to define, very hard. And it's very ambiguous. You have it, or you don't. You can't attain it. ~ Heinrich Boll

I know every single street in this town. And I love strolling these streets in the mornings, in the evenings, and then at night when I am merry and tipsy. I love to have breakfasts with my friends along the Bosphorus on Sundays, I love to walk alone amid the crowds. I am in love with the chaotic beauty of this city, the ferries, the music, the tales, the sadness, the colors, and the black humor ... ~ Elif Shafak

The French have a new president, the British will soon have a new P.M., and we envy them as we endure the endless wait for this small dim man to go back to Texas and resume his life. ~ Garrison Keillor

I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed. ~ Daniel Tosh

I'm not snapping," I snapped. ~ Jennifer Donnelly

You take everything onto your shoulders like that guy who holds up the world, and you shouldn't. You're not nearly as muscular. ~ Darynda Jones

A sense of humor is all you really need to get through life. All ~ Dan Marshall

A goal without a plan is just a wish. ~ Antoine De Saint Exupery

...Stella's tiny butt stuck in the air as she stretched to reach a weed. She was wearing a pair of jeans and a button-down pink and white checked shirt that was tucked into the elastic waistband of her pants. She reminded Rusty of an elf. "Excuse me, Stella?" "You stop right there if you have trouble on your mind. As you can see, I have plenty of birds, and I'll knock you out with one of them," Stella said without looking up. Rusty wanted to say that she'd yank up her own plastic flamingo and work Stella over with it in a heartbeat. Instead, she took a calming breath and said, "I made something you might like to have." "If it's a grenade launcher, I'm listening, Achmed. ~ Robin Alexander

You're a dumb shit. There's a million first girls for a million different first things.
There's the first girl you slow-dance with, and the first girl you go to bed with. There's the first girl to give you a kiss, and then the first one you take home to mama." His amber eyes lit up with humor.
"There's the first girl you fight with and the first girl you fight for. There's also the first girl you have to let go of. There's the first girl you love, obviously, and the first girl to break your heart.
There's always a first girl, Rowdy, but there is also the girl that is going to come after her until you get to the last girl.
The last girl is the one that really matters. ~ Jay Crownover

The ego refuses to be distressed by the provocations of reality, to let itself be compelled to suffer. It insists that it cannot be affected by the traumas of the external world; it shows, in fact, that such traumas are no more than occasions for it to gain pleasure. ~ Sigmund Freud

Ah, James, our James," she says, sounding wistful. "Can't live with him, can't kill him slowly enough." - Callie (pg. 141) ~ Cody McFadyen

Llarimar had told him to do his best. That sounded like an awful lot of work. Unfortunately, doing nothing was beginning to seem like even MORE work. ~ Brandon Sanderson

Or perhaps Zeus was just messing with me again - giving me a taste of my old power before yanking it away once more. Remember this, kid? WELL YOU CAN'T HAVE IT! ~ Rick Riordan

One of the things Ford Prefect had always found hardest to understand about humans was their habit of continually stating and repeating the very very obvious. ~ Douglas Adams

Wild!" Ron said, twiddling the replay knob on the side. "I can make that old bloke down there pick his nose again ... and again ... and again ... ~ J.K. Rowling

You may indulge in the most perverted sexual fantasies on the Internet, stare at the wall blaming the world for everything and feeling generally put upon, feel afraid to go out into the street, be obsessed with cleanliness or a lack of cleanliness, or suffer from bouts of depression and compulsive crying. As long as you can turn up for work and do your bit for society you don't represent a threat. ~ Paulo Coelho

Well now," the scholar went on, "I'm just an old fuddy-duddy who could use a tan, so you needn't grant my opinion any authority, but I consider the queendom lucky that a handful of Milliners and their children lived incognito among the population during Redd's tyranny. ~ Frank Beddor

Like Jesus said 'blessed are the lazy who lie on boats, for they shall inherit a suntan ~ Nicholas Sparks

You're like seven feet tall, aren't you?"
"I am not seven feet tall," he snapped at her as if she'd really insulted him. "I'm six-eleven." When she smirked in disbelief, he added, "And three-quarters. ~ Shelly Laurenston

Swanson's First Law of Directions: Those who can read, don't. ~ Dixie Swanson

Seven smirked as he walked back over to me. I gave you catharsis last night. Twice. ~ T.J. Klune

Life is a beautiful song. It is up to you the lyrics and tune. ~ Gillian Duce

Unrequited love," I'd say. He'd look at me sideways in that cunning way he did and say, "what about it?" and I'd reply, "it's not your color." Pithy. Just to show him that I'd noticed. Or maybe I'd show myself to her and say, "Guess I'm not the only one who uses humans around here." And then I'd summon some of Owain's hounds to chew off the bottom bits of her legs. Then she wouldn't fit just right into his arms. She'd be too short. It'd be like hugging a midget.
Nuala- pg. 75 ~ Maggie Stiefvater

I've got everything ready to go," I said once he was finally awake and dressed.
All the tenderness and vulnerability was gone from his face when he said, "Go where?"
"America?"
His eyes narrowed. "This is America."
"This is Canada."
"Which is in North America."
Silly Canadians wanting be part of the Cool Kids Club. ~ Tammy Blackwell

Sleepwalking is the perfect exorcise for lazy people ~ Benny Bellamacina

My problem is that I don't get the same exhiliration from success as I get depression from failure. ~ Steve Martin

The style is the man. Rather say the style is the way the man takes himself; and to be at all charming or even bearable, the way is almost rigidly prescribed. If it is with outer seriousness, it must be with inner humor. If it is with outer humor, it must be with inner seriousness. No other way will do. ~ Robert Frost

From the slope of Haleakala, the Old Broad watched the activity in the channel with a two-hundred-power celestial telescope and a pair of "big eyes" binoculars that looked like stereo bazookas on precision mounts that were anchored into a ton of concrete. ~ Christopher Moore

If you count sheep before you go to sleep, are you barrrrr'd from dreams? ~ Benny Bellamacina

If the food supply runs out, try trapping or hunting animals. For most people, this won't be easy. If you can't catch any animals, it's time to throw a Donner party. ~ Andrew Shaffer

You won't want to leave when you've tasted Mom's fried chicken, Matt said with a touching faith in the power of grease. ~ Jane Davitt

What are you doing, Avery?"
I held up my bottle. "Drinking. What are you doing?"
His icy blue eyes narrowed. "That's not what I'm getting at and you know that. What are you doing?"
Damn. Hello attitude. I tried to give Cam the bitch look Steph had mastered, screwing my face up until I'm sure I looked like I was having a seizure. I sighed and gave up. ~ J. Lynn

My father was a patient father. He was so patient that when he once saw a sign that read 'Patient Entrance' at the Welt Foot Hospital, he drove his automobile incredibly slow. ~ Shoeburn Ruffet

positivity is the father of reinvention ~ Josh Stern

See, they say it's 'survival of the fittest', but you and I really know that it's 'survival of the most heavily armed ~ Lia Habel

A bit of sniffles and men are more work than a brood of babies. ~ Nora Roberts