Canadian Humor Quotes

I think Canadian humor is a little less broad than American humor. ~ Scott Thompson

Also, my humor is really dry-witted, Canadian humor, so some people get it and some people don't. I'd be great on "The Office." I would like to be on that show. And, I could see me doing romantic comedy films, and stuff like that. ~ Tinsel Korey

One of the main reasons I don't like leaving the house is because I might find myself face to face with a Canadian. ~ Maria Semple

The three cardinal tenets of rum drinking in Newfoundland. The first of these is that as soon as a bottle is placed on a table it must be opened. This is done to "let the air get at it and carry off the black vapors." The second tenet is that a bottle, once opened, must never be restoppered, because of the belief that it will then go bad. No bottle of rum has ever gone bad in Newfoundland, but none has ever been restoppered, so there is no way of knowing whether this belief is reasonable. The final tenet is that an open bottle must be drunk as rapidly as possible "before all to-good goes out of it. ~ Farley Mowat

I've got everything ready to go," I said once he was finally awake and dressed.
All the tenderness and vulnerability was gone from his face when he said, "Go where?"
"America?"
His eyes narrowed. "This is America."
"This is Canada."
"Which is in North America."
Silly Canadians wanting be part of the Cool Kids Club. ~ Tammy Blackwell

The lonely, wistful revisionism of memories is as gratingly repetitive as snow and ice in Canada. I avoid them both at all costs - memories and Canada. ~ Brian D'Ambrosio

In my opinion, kissing a lady's hand is a fine tradition. After all, a man must start somewhere. ~ Lois Greiman

These seats taken?" Chloe gestured at at the empty chairs. Amber nodded.
"What, by all your imaginary friends?"
"Yes, actually," Amber snapped. "And they are way better company than you. ~ Siobhan Curham

I don't know about you, but I practice a disorganized religion. I belong to an unholy disorder. We call ourselves Our Lady of the Perpetual Astonishment ~ Kurt Vonnegut

Alfred: Are you alright?
Batman: I'm going to need a better car. Police are here. They'll pick up the others.
Alfred: And they'll probably be back on the streets by sunrise thanks to Harvey Dent. I know you don't want to hear it, but if you want to make Gotham a safer place we need to rethink how we're going to do that. You should come home now. Dinner's gonna get cold.
Batman: Don't tell me it's cottage pie again.
Alfred:...I'll order a pizza. ~ Geoff Johns

Am I the only one who recalls that Seth Turner used to think trees give off cold air because when you stand in the shade it's cooler than in the sun? ~ Meg Cabot

Did you get a secret thrill out of sitting across from me, eating a civilized dinner while pretending not to know you were teasing my cock?" Rate St. Sebastian ~ Samanthe Beck

Enough bickering, ladies," Zack said. "Let's - hey, is that blood?" He asked, pointing to my jeans. Attention span of a moth…

J.M. Friedman. Succubus in Seattle (Kindle Locations 382-383). ~ J.R. Thorn

Monday isn't that bad to be honest, What makes it bad is living in it. ~ Day

Watch the 'tude, dude, unless you want today's session to suck more than a sex worker on Saturday night. ~ Helena Hunting

Nnaka my son, our elders say, when a kid washes his hands clean, he becomes fit to dine with the elders. Our hearts are filled with indescribable joy and we can rub our belly with delight, so much so that we should give you the largest farmland and the most beautiful bride in the community but alas, we can only do so much. Nonetheless, the crack on the buttocks has not diminished its functions and we shall not disappoint you. ~ Sinachi Ukpabi

But in this case," he continues, tracing the line of the plasterwork with one finger, "I feel that there is one cliche that sums up my position so admirably that it would be pure egotism to attempt a more interesting periphrasis. Plain speaking, therefore, there is to be.
"There is undoubtedly a strong possibility, notwithstanding the vagaries of contingency and misfortune, that my son might
have fallen - or might, we could say, have voluntarily jumped, in accordance with the ethical codes with which he has been brought up - for a play you have made with some success, although, as I am persuaded you would concede, very little originality."
Plain speaking if you're Henry James, perhaps. ~ Deborah Meyler

Razo hopped back up and adopted a posture that said he was completely unruffled, never had been, and in fact was ready to do something manly like lift boulders or swallow live worms. ~ Shannon Hale

Don't you oh well me,sir," Miss Maudie replied, recognizing Jem's fatalistic noises, "you are not old enough to appreciate what I said. ~ Harper Lee

Needless to say, they refused to submit to the Empire, conducting such a persistent guerrilla war that the Romans gave up hope of conquering Scotland, and the Wee Free Men remained both wee and free. ~ Terry Pratchett

I lacked the knowledge of linear perspective needed to get into the art school, so now I whitewash walls and imagine I'm heaven's landscape painter. ~ Bauvard

I was grinding away to the climactic moan backtrack when I caught my reflection in the club's mirror, hips rotating, booty shaking. Years later, Grace described my smooth moves as a sad epileptic white girl's imitation of a twerk. Harsh. Could anyone look sexy dancing to lyrics that include "Sucky, sucky. Me sucky, sucky"? I don't think so. ~ Leah Marie Brown

You're a big one,[ ... ] a tall drink of water, but I got to tell you, you don't look too bright. I got a son, stupid as a man who bought his stupid at a two-for-one sale, and you remind me of him. ~ Neil Gaiman

There are ten thousand people in the United States in a persistent vegetative state. Just enough to start a small town. Think of them as veggie-burghers. ~ George Carlin

There are many things we can live without but a sense of humor is not one of them! ~ Judy Woodruff

A person may not want any more of his cake; but that is no reason for giving it away. ~ Victor Hugo

The two sat quiet for a moment; Gabe unsure what to say to comfort his friend and Uri stewing in his own frustration. "Damn it! It was a stupid plan!" Uri swung an arm around behind himself and his bag being the nearest object in reach, swung it across the room with as much force as he could muster. ~ Wendy Owens

Is it time for your period, or something?"
With unerring instinct, he'd found a great big red button, and pushed it. Wyatt fights to win, which means he fights dirty. I understand the concept because that's how I fight, too, but understanding it didn't stop me from reacting. I could practically feel my blood bubbling with steam. "What?"
He turned around, all controlled aggression, and damned if he didn't push the button again. "What is it about having a period that makes women so bitchy?"
... It was an effort, but I said as sweetly as possible, "It isn't that we're bitchier, it's that having a period makes us feel all tired and achy, so we have less tolerance for all the bullshit we normally SUFFER IN SILENCE." By the time the sentence ended the sweetness was long gone, my jaw was clenched, and I think my eyes were bugging out.
Wyatt took a step back, belatedly looking alarmed. ~ Linda Howard

Remove God from the world of ideas. Remove government, politics from society. Keep sex, humor, utilities. Let private property go. ~ John Cage

Every ounce of my cynicism is supported by historical precedent. ~ Glen Cook

"I should be home by midnight."
"Dad, I need a car."
"Uh-huh. And I need a villa in the south of France. Go figure. Lights out at eleven," he added as he
turned away.
"I've got to have wheels, ~ Nora Roberts

He did a very good impression of a stone column. ~ Shannon Hale

I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control. ~ Mitch Hedberg

You will be very visible in the company photo, also the website and any other marketing materials. There's no way to avoid it. The photo will only be scheduled when you are in the office, so don't try pretending to be sick. They'll wait for you. ~ Baratunde R. Thurston

The notion of children makes me ill. The thought of having one ... when you see those guys in the supermarket, wheeling the trolley around while their brats whine and wheedle and some blundering sow questions every little thing they take off the shelves. I mean, just the fucking idea of it, the very word: family. Whenever I see it, on travel brochures, on house schedules ... I feel sick. ~ John Niven

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There is too much fraternizing with the enemy. ~ Henry Kissinger

My natural tendency toward sarcasm is still not appreciated. ~ Veronica Roth

First thing I'd do is make sure the poor newbie demigods don't have to suffer through the orientation film."
All conversation stopped. "What orientation film?" Will Solace asked.
Nico looked puzzled. "You know ..." He glanced side to side, clearly uncomfortable with everybody watching him. Finally he cleared his throat and sang in a warbly voice to the tune of "The Hokey Cokey": "It lets the demigods in! It shuts the monsters out! It keeps the half-bloods safe, but turns mortals all about! It's Misty, and it's magic, and it makes me want to shout: the border is all about!" He punctuated the last line of the song with some half-hearted claps.
We stared at him in stunned silence.
"Nico." Will patted his boyfriend's arm. "You're scaring the other campers."
"More than usual," Julia Feingold muttered under her breath.
"Oh, come on," Nico protested. "You've all heard that annoying song, right? It's from Welcome to Camp Half-Blood."
Nobody responded.
"The orientation film," Nico added.
We shared a group shrug.
Nico groaned. "You mean I just sang in public and ... I'm the only one who's ever seen that stupid film?"
"So far, anyway," said Connor Stoll. ~ Rick Riordan

Feminist is so heavy with baggage, negative baggage: You hate men, you hate bras, you hate African culture, you think women should always be in charge, you don't wear makeup, you don't shave, you're always angry, you don't have a sense of humor, you don't use deodorant. ~ Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

The safest way to success is to write according to the capacity of the stupidest member of the audience. ~ Natasha Pulley

Oh God! I wore granny panties today. I didn't think anyone would see them." She covers her eyes with her hand in embarrassment. ~ Gisele Walko

I like to have a martini,
Two at the very most.
After three I'm under the table,
after four I'm under my host. ~ Dorothy Parker

No offense, Jaron, but I don't want your life. Even locked away behind closed doors I got a taste for how awful it can be."
"Did anyone try to kill you while I was gone?"
"No."
"Then you didn't even get a taste. ~ Jennifer A. Nielsen

If you can spell "Nietzsche" without Google, you deserve a cookie. ~ Lauren Leto

After all, if I started confiding my innermost problems to someone, I'd have to do something about them. And I'm not ready for that yet. ~ Kathleen Tessaro

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The fact that I suspect I'm an asshole means I probably am not, because a real asshole doesn't think he's an asshole, does he? Therefore, by realizing that I'm an asshole, I am in fact negating that very realization, am I not? Descartes's Asshole Axiom: I think I am; therefor I'm not one. ~ Jonathan Tropper

What do you want from me, Maggie? Advice? Absolution? Go forth and be a bitch no more. ~ Molly Harper

Huh," Leo said. "Well, if you ever get off this island and want a job, let me know. You're not a total klutz."
She smirked. "A job, eh?" Making things in your forge?"
"Nah, we could start our own shop," Leo said, surprising himself. Starting a machine shop had always been one of his dreams, but he'd never told anyone about it. "Leo and Calypso's Garage: Auto Repair and Mechanical Monsters. ~ Rick Riordan

If I were to vote, I would intentionally vote for the goofiest candidate. It is my theory that when the people can outwit the leader, the more respected their voices will be. ~ Criss Jami

Love, like a sense of humor, is now claimed by everyone even though Love, like a sense of humor, is rather more rare than not, and to most of us poor muddlers unbearable at full strength. ~ Gore Vidal