Darynda Jones Quotes

Ask me about my complete lack of interest. (T-shirt) ~ Darynda Jones

There's another part, an obstinate part, that wants more. That wants Dutch live and in the flesh. That wants her hand. Her mouth. Her hips under mine. It wants all of her. Every last ounce. Body and soul. ~ Darynda Jones

When I'm not scouring through the backstreets of every city in the state, I keep an eye on the girl. My girl. ~ Darynda Jones

Are you ready?" she asked, whispering. "Ready as a drunk virgin on prom night. ~ Darynda Jones

Make it quick," I said when I picked up.
"Okay. Two men from the FBI are here." Cookie said. Quickly.
Crap. "Men in black are at the office?"
"Well, yes, but they're actually in more of a navy."
Crapola. I so don't have time for men. In any color. "Okay, two questions. Do they look mad, and are they hot?"
After a long, long, pause, Cookie said, "One, not really. Two, no comment at this time. And three, you're on speakerphone."
After another long, long pause, I said, "Okie dokie then. Be there in a jiff. ~ Darynda Jones

Since I had a soft spot for zombies and my curiosity was killing me, I opted for plan Z. ~ Darynda Jones

I tried to start a gang once.
It turned into a book club.
- MEME ~ Darynda Jones

Real writers write. Period. No, the muse does not come to visit everyday. She's a lazy, precocious flirt. You cannot get into the habit of being "in the mood" to write. No writer on Earth is in the mood to write everyday, but the good ones do it anyway. They fight through their fatigue, their stress, their doubt, and they write. They get the words on the page. Period.
So stop waiting for your muse. Trust me, she sleeps around. ~ Darynda Jones

Winching was apparently a guy thing. As was wenching. ~ Darynda Jones

I also become the local computer nerd. The administration brings me in to fix all the computers, I create viruses to invade at a specific day and time. They call me in, and I eradicate my own virus, only to plant another one to go into effect a couple months later. They ask me why I can't just fix the computers once and for all. I tell them to quit going to porn sites and it will stay fixed. That shuts them up every time. ~ Darynda Jones

It's the simple things in life, and all that crap. ~ Darynda Jones

WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU GET SCARED HALF TO DEATH, TWICE? - T-SHIRT ~ Darynda Jones

The past is a blur, like fog only blurrier. ~ Darynda Jones

Time to make today my bitch. ~ Darynda Jones

He said you sparkle like a newborn galaxy and have more attitude than a rich kid with his daddy's Porsche. ~ Darynda Jones

We stood there, the three of us, our jaws firmly planted on the floor. Aunt Lil recovered first. She nudged me with her elbow and said with a cackle of delight, I think you guys should make some more of those brownies, 'cause that boy looks hungry. ~ Darynda Jones

Any time a beloved character is killed off, it affects the audience in a very powerful way, especially in a series. ~ Darynda Jones

Do you know how hard it is to diet with a name like Cookie?" "That's so weird." I stared off into space, marveling at the similarities of our situation. "It's hard to diet with a name like Charley, too ~ Darynda Jones

The FBI had finally wised up and put Charley Davidson on the task of bringing a killer to justice. Because that's what Charley did. Brought killers to justice. She also found lost dogs, exposed cheating spouses, and tracked down the occasional skip. And she rarely referred to herself in the third person. ~ Darynda Jones

I was never really certain why he scared the bejesus out of me. Nothing scared me growing up. I've been playing with dead people since the day I was born, so it's good thing, yet the Big Bad scared me. Which brings me to the reason I called."
"Which was to give me nightmares for the rest of my life?"
"Oh, no, that's just a plus. Why was I so scared of him?"
"Hon, for one thing he was this powerful, massive, black smokelike being."
"So, you're saying I'm a racist? ~ Darynda Jones

If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane(T-Shirt) ~ Darynda Jones

I was white. Chalk had more color than I did. And quite possibly more personality. ~ Darynda Jones

After an epic search, I finally found something neither green nor fuzzy. It was a hot sausage link. I named it Peter, mostly because it seemed like the right thing to do. As soon as my java was piping hot I popped him into the microwave. hopefully the radioactive environment would sterilize Peter. No need to have little Peters running around, wreaking havoc. ~ Darynda Jones

We're going down to the Margarita Grill to smell the lobster, then we're going to watch the sunrise, and in between we'll probably have hot, unsafe animal sex. ~ Darynda Jones

Safety first!

Just kidding. Coffee first, Safety's, like , third or fourth.

-MEME ~ Darynda Jones

GPS. I tracked your phone. PIs can do shit like that. That's how we roll."
"That's so wrong."
"And yet it feels so right. ~ Darynda Jones

I breathed in the heat that spiraled around him. He gave me every ounce of attention he had to offer, focused like a leopard focusing on his prey, just long enough to cause a warmth to crack open and spill into my chest. Over my stomach. Between my legs. ~ Darynda Jones

Hey, do you know what I called the last guy who said something like that to me?"
When he only raised a noncommittal brow, I said, "An ambulance. ~ Darynda Jones

After a geological epoch passed in which single-celled organisms evolved into talk show hosts, Mr. Coffee was still holding out on me. ~ Darynda Jones

Her dad shows up, and instead of getting mad at Denise, he wraps his arm around her and helps her to his car like she's crippled. I could've crippled her. Missed my chance. ~ Darynda Jones

Let me get this straight. You have no intention of telling me what's wrong. You don't want to talk about whatever is wrong. And you're going to let me continue to believe I've done something horrible before you'll open up. Even if, say, I restrain you? Force it out of you?"
"The only thing you are going to force out of me under the confinement of restraints is an orgasm."
Finally! "So, you'd be open to my restraining you for my own sexual pleasure?"
"Wide open."
"And, it would be something you'd enjoy?"
"Who wouldn't? ~ Darynda Jones

It's 90% imagination and 10% real experiences. ~ Darynda Jones

He was like a panther in the wild. Beautiful to look at. Far too dangerous to approach. ~ Darynda Jones

I'd recently had a gun to my head and wasn't in the mood for any more shenanigans from the penis-endowed gender. I reached into a side pocket of my bag as nonchalantly as I could and wrapped my fingers around Margaret, my Glock. ~ Darynda Jones

Garret Swopes was a lot like a hot gay friend only he wasn't gay, which was too bad because then I could tell him how hot he was without him getting the wrong idea. ~ Darynda Jones

Don't give up. Research like crazy. Join a writer's organization. Read books on the publishing world. It all helps! ~ Darynda Jones

Genius has its limitations.
Insanity ... not so much -Bumper Sticker ~ Darynda Jones

Are you God?" Kory asked, his voice soft.
"Um, no, but I appreciate the compliment. I'm Charley. ~ Darynda Jones

I was in a mental asylum? When the fuck did that happen? ~ Darynda Jones

He took a long draw then asked, "What'd I do?"
"You knew about the guy threatening my dad?"
He paused, shifted in his chair, so freaking busted, it wasn't funny. "They told you?"
"Why, no, Swopes, they didn't. Instead, they waited until the guy knocked the fuck out of my dad and readied him for spaceflight with duct tape then tried to kill me with a butcher's knife. ~ Darynda Jones

Dude," I said, leaning over the desk, "I'm about as psychic as a carrot. ~ Darynda Jones

And who came up with the animals for these euphemisms, anyway? Why bat shit? Why not cow shit or grasshopper shit? And why don't we give a rat's ass as opposed to a hamster's ass? ~ Darynda Jones

I was my own girl, and no one was walking on this carpet but me. ~ Darynda Jones

As I look back at what I could have accomplished if I'd had the courage, I wish I could tell you to go for it. Whatever it is, just go for it. You ARE smart enough to write. You ARE personable enough to step forward and make friends. And you AREN'T too skinny. You'll miss that someday. Trust me on this one. ~ Darynda Jones

Again," Reyes-Wan said. ~ Darynda Jones

My beautiful sister. You are like sunshine: bright, incandescent, and oddly irritating at times. But what else are sisters for? ~ Darynda Jones

Where the hell did my bones go? I asked. This whole upright thing had me stumped. ~ Darynda Jones

I didn't realize until I locked the door to my apartment and leaned against it, panting that my cheeks were covered in frozen tears. I was such an idiot. And my heart hurt. Bad. Every beat sent an ache rocketing through my body. I was having a heart attack. Or, more likely, my heart had just broken. ~ Darynda Jones

She tore through the wrapping and took out a blue velvet box. She glanced back at me as though unable to believe her eyes. After pulling her bottom lip between her teeth, she lifted the lid. Two rolls of cushioned velvet sat inside. The slit that those cushions made should have held a ring, but it didn't.
Sucked to be her.
She gaped at me. "What is this?" she asked, appalled.
"It's a simple yes/no question," I said, trying to keep a straight face. I lay back, crossing my arms behind my head. "When I get an answer, you get the rest of your gift. ~ Darynda Jones

I felt like the girl who showed up at a formal dinner party in jeans and a Pink Floyd T-shirt. Probably 'cause I did that once. ~ Darynda Jones

Did you get checked out?" "Yeah, by a hot blond who sat in the corner of the bar and made googly eyes at me." "I meant by a doctor." "No, but a balding yet bizarrely hot paramedic said I'd be fine." "Oh, and he's an expert?" "At flirting. ~ Darynda Jones

I am apparently the complete opposite of a sociopath. (Seriously. I took a test.) WHEW! ‪#dodgedabullet‬ ~ Darynda Jones

For one week, all I could think about was drinking margaritas
well, that and running my tongue along Reyes's teeth
but I didn't have salt
or Reyes's teeth. I'd also lacked the energy to leave my apartment to get some
or the desire to stoop low enough to beg Reyes to let me lick his teeth after what he did
so I could only wish for a margarita. And dream of Reyes's teeth.
I'd secretly hoped a margarita would magically appear in my hand, but that would mean I would have to put down the remote, and God knew that was not going to happen. ~ Darynda Jones

He had threatened my parents. I had to remember that. Still, it was really hard to stay mad at a wounded naked man. ~ Darynda Jones

What do you want?"
"You," he said, his voice lowering an octave. "I want you, Dutch, body and soul. I want you in my bed every night. I want you there when I wake up in the morning. I want your clothes strung across my apartment and your scent on my skin. ~ Darynda Jones

Deaf people talk with their mouths full. ~ Darynda Jones

There is a great need for a sarcasm font. ~ Darynda Jones

Who the fuck are you?" I said, practically screaming at him. I was not going to take being set up lying down. ~ Darynda Jones

In three hundred feet, turn right, Darth Vader said. The Darth Vader. I felt like we were friends now. Like I could tell him anything. ~ Darynda Jones

After searching for a space, I parked behind the tattoo parlor in front of a sign that said NO PARKING. Since it didn't specify to whom it was referring, I figured it couldn't possibly be talking to me. ~ Darynda Jones

I have depth. I've read Proust. No, wait, that was Pooh. Winnie the Pooh. My bad
Charley Davidson. ~ Darynda Jones

Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself. (T-Shirt) ~ Darynda Jones

I lowered the gun but didn't holster it. Not just yet. She could turn out to be psychotic. Or a door-to-door salesperson. ~ Darynda Jones

Is that what you think? That I follow you around to keep your ass out of trouble?"
"If so, you're not very good at your job."
A huge smile spread across his face. "True enough. So what's eating you? Because, sadly, it's not me. ~ Darynda Jones

MRS. REYES FARROW. ~ Darynda Jones

We should date."
I laughed, curled him into my arms, and kissed the soft spot underneath his earlobe. "You're going to have to go to obedience school for that to happen. You have authority issues."
"Never mind. We should have sex again and then date."
"Since you put it that way, okay. ~ Darynda Jones

If I'm upset, hold me and tell me how beautiful I am.
If I growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate.
- BEST. ADVICE. EVER. ~ Darynda Jones

You are going to bring an army against the ruler of hell and put him down once and for all. And he is doing everything in his power to stop you."
Oh, yeah, Garrett needed to be on medication. "But why would I want to do all of this? And how would I raise an army? I'm just not that good at organisation. Will they expect to be fed? ~ Darynda Jones

When yet another woman old enough to be his grandmother headed Reyes off and demanded his attention before he could get to me, I giggled at the forced smile on his face. She flirted, batted her lashes, and patted his biceps about twelve times too many for his comfort. He took out his phone and typed as the woman spoke to him, her movements exaggerated. I couldn't be certain but I had a feeling she was talking to him about how she used to be a pole dancer until her hip gave out.

My phone chimed. I took it out of the delicate clutch that matched my dress and read Reyes's text.

Aren't you going to save me?

I don't know. I'm having a lot of fun right now. Wanna sext?

He crossed an arm over his chest while holding his phone. One corner of his mouth twitched as he leaned back against the tree and typed.

Absolutely.

Sweet. What are you wearing?

His eyes sparkled with mirth.

Animal print boxers and striped socks

I burst out laughing, gaining the attention of everyone around me. ~ Darynda Jones

The fastest way to a man's heart is by tearing a hole through his rib cage_T-Shirt ~ Darynda Jones

I don't think I get enough credit for the fact that I do all of this unmedicated. - T-SHIRT ~ Darynda Jones

Can I brush your hair? she asked as she led the way, her disposition doing a 180 on a dime. Kids. Can't live with 'em. Can't eat 'em for lunch. ~ Darynda Jones

Thrilled that Reyes and I were outside, and taking that as her cue to get her freak on, Artemis ran around like a gerbil on meth, turning occasionally to make sure we were still watching. And God help us if we weren't. ~ Darynda Jones

I thought about throwing my grocery bags at him and making a run for it, but those avocados were expensive. Damn my love of guacamole. ~ Darynda Jones

Have they even seen the Winchester boys? Sammy and Dean's existence proves there is a god and she is a woman. ~ Darynda Jones

Sorry I killed you. Repeatedly. ~ Darynda Jones

Aw. She thought I was fruity. I got that a lot. ~ Darynda Jones

Don't judge me because I'm quiet.
No one plans a murder out loud. ~ Darynda Jones

Well?" she asked when she picked up.
"Do you think we're really alone in the universe?"
"Were you abducted by aliens again?"
"No, thank goodness. Once was enough for me."
"Oh, whew. So, what happened with Reyes? Did you see him?"
"Saw him. Argued with him. Barfed. ~ Darynda Jones

She has been through hell, so believe me when I say, fear her when she looks into a fire and smiles. - E. CORONA Two ~ Darynda Jones

I'd have a longer attention span if there weren't so many shiny things. ~ Darynda Jones

Chocolate and coffee ? Together ? Whoever came up with that combination should have won a Nobel Peace Prize. Or at least a subscription to Reader's Digest. ~ Darynda Jones

Reyes Farrow. Because perfection is a dirty job, but someone has to do it. ~ Darynda Jones

Okay, I'll strip. I'll tap dance. I'll sing 'La Cucaracha' in C minor. ~ Darynda Jones

His lips thinned in frustration like I should already know the answer. He inched closer until his knee touched mine, his eyes, curious and intense, boring into me. "Because you move like fire rushing across a floor," he said his voice hushed, velvety smooth, "like flames licking up a wall." The rest of the world crumbled away as he lifted my chin. "Your energy is liquid and hot. Even from a distance you burn, you scorch anyone who gets too close. You are wine on my tongue and honey in my veins, and I cannot get enough of you." He leaned forward and whispered into my ear. His warm breath sent shivers cascading over my body. "You intoxicate me, Lorelei McAlister. You will be my downfall. ~ Darynda Jones

I could hardly be responsible for my actions when everyone around me gave me every opportunity to sink to their low expectations. ~ Darynda Jones

If at first you don't succeed, it's only "attempted" murder. ~ Darynda Jones

And as your writing evolves, what you need and get from it evolves. ~ Darynda Jones

That's true, but I like to think of this as a ray of sunshine." Her voice, filled with empathy, softened.
"I'm all for sunrays," I said, absently fondling the god glass in my pocket. "Give me permanent skin damage and a little radiation any day."
"I love how you see the bright side of everything. ~ Darynda Jones

Humor is so subjective, not everyone is going to get what you are peddling. Others will be offended when what you meant no offense whatsoever. Those are the stakes. You have to be able to stand up for yourself and what you've written. Comedy pushes limits, makes people uncomfortable, and is a natural reaction to the environment. Otherwise, as I said, it is forced. Let it flow and give your characters permission to cross a line or two, but only if you can take the heat afterward. ~ Darynda Jones

I called my friend Pari on the way home. "I need you to do my apt."
"I'm not that attracted to your apt."
"I think I'm being bugged."
"Like I am? Right now? ~ Darynda Jones

How he could have such a reaction with me looking like the Pillsbury Doughboy astonished me. He was kinky. I'd take it. ~ Darynda Jones

I love language, words, and all the lovely, exciting, and heart wrenching things you can do with them. Pick the right ones, put them in the right order, and you've created a moment in time where the reader forgets about the late car payment, the dirty dishes, the impending workweek. You have created a state of bliss. Or negligence, depending on your perspective. ~ Darynda Jones

I have three words for you," EMT Guy said. "Possible internal bleeding."
I turned back to him. "Don't you think if I was bleeding internally, I'd know somewhere deep inside? Like, internally? ~ Darynda Jones

My powers of persuasion are only as strong as the bullshit I have to back it up.
- Charley Davidson ~ Darynda Jones

Ahhh, friday... My second favorite F-word. -T-shirt ~ Darynda Jones

Crazy chicks are usually pretty tough. ~ Darynda Jones

Happiness isn't good enough. I demand euphoria! ~ Darynda Jones

The dreams continue for over a month. Each reveals a new facet of her personality. One night, she is wild and unpredictable. The next, she is shy or giggly or coy. She laughs and growls and bites and sucks. ~ Darynda Jones

Who on planet Earth didn't have aspirin in the house? ~ Darynda Jones