Charley Davidson Humor Quotes

And who came up with the animals for these euphemisms, anyway? Why bat shit? Why not cow shit or grasshopper shit? And why don't we give a rat's ass as opposed to a hamster's ass? ~ Darynda Jones

I felt like the girl who showed up at a formal dinner party in jeans and a Pink Floyd T-shirt. Probably 'cause I did that once. ~ Darynda Jones

I called my friend Pari on the way home. "I need you to do my apt."
"I'm not that attracted to your apt."
"I think I'm being bugged."
"Like I am? Right now? ~ Darynda Jones

My powers of persuasion are only as strong as the bullshit I have to back it up.
- Charley Davidson ~ Darynda Jones

You know, I was thinking about my in-laws." I strolled closer, craving his heat. And his scent. And the power that continuously hummed through him like an infinite source of energy. "You know, from your supernatural side? By being married to you, I am Satan's daughter-in-law, Jehova's sister-in-law, and Jesus's aunt by marriage. ~ Darynda Jones

Holy mother of banana cream pie. They had pictures. ~ Darynda Jones

Is there anything else you want to share?" "Anything you think of I should be aware of?"
"No" I shook my head in thought " Not especially. Unless you count the fact that I'm going to take over the world."
"The whole thing?"
"Well,i'm going to try to take over the world."
"And you feel you're prepared for world domination?"
I lifted a noncommittal shoulder "I'm taking a business class ~ Darynda Jones

Gemma was so determined for me to deal with my PTSD, but I thought I was doing pretty well with it. We were friends now. I had my incontinence under control ~ Darynda Jones

Cookie&Charley Coffee moments:
"You did your dishes with shampoo?"
"It was either that or my apricot body scrub."
"No, good call. A little shampoo won't hurt you. ~ Darynda Jones

I knew dating the son of Satan would turn out badly ~ Darynda Jones

I don't know. You just seem different now. Distant. Like you have PTSD.
I knew from where I spoke. My TSD got P'd when I was tortured by a monster named Earl. ~ Darynda Jones

I was freaking her out, but someone had to do it, damn it ~ Darynda Jones

Okay but he has a case for you," she said again, her voice singsong.
"Don't care."
"It's right up your alley. There's been a rash of suicide notes."
"That's not right up my alley. That's, like, two blocks over from my alley. ~ Darynda Jones

―You realize I can hear you without the annoying intercom.
Cookie and I both leaned forward and looked at each other through the doorway.
―But this is more fun, I said. ―More Star Trekkie. ~ Darynda Jones

Why yes, I have discovered the joy of cooking. It's when my husband does it. - MEME ~ Darynda Jones

I was busy perusing the suicide notes and waiting for Belvedere's water to finish its treatment when I heard a thud from Cookie's office. Then a mousy squeak. The a throaty moan.
"Cookie," I said, wiggling my fingers at Belvedere to get him acquainted to with our strange ways, "are you masturbating?"
"No, I got a paper cut."
Oh, I didn't see that coming. ~ Darynda Jones

You take everything onto your shoulders like that guy who holds up the world, and you shouldn't. You're not nearly as muscular. ~ Darynda Jones

Hey," the man said, raising his hands in surrender, "I don't have any issues with you, Farrow. You know that."
"Then we have an understanding, but just in case you're thinking of somehow repeating history and trying to control me through her," he said, arching a brow in warning, "do you remember how fast I am? How deadly?"
Navarra nodded without hesitation.
Reyes leaned toward him and raised his own hand to cover part of his mouth as though telling a secret. "She's faster. ~ Darynda Jones

There must be a special, less volcanic portion of hell that was partitioned off and set aside for people who weren't all bad, just a little vindictive. They could call it the drama queen ward. It would be a huge hit. ~ Darynda Jones

Uncle Bob answered, his tone brusque. "What have you got?"
"Besides great boobs?" I asked.
"On the case."
He was so testy. ~ Darynda Jones

...what has possessed you to steal blood?"
"It's for a project."
"What kind of project?"
"A... bloody one. ~ Darynda Jones

There's another part, an obstinate part, that wants more. That wants Dutch live and in the flesh. That wants her hand. Her mouth. Her hips under mine. It wants all of her. Every last ounce. Body and soul. ~ Darynda Jones

SARC- is my second favorite -ASM word ~ Darynda Jones

I didn't realize until I locked the door to my apartment and leaned against it, panting that my cheeks were covered in frozen tears. I was such an idiot. And my heart hurt. Bad. Every beat sent an ache rocketing through my body. I was having a heart attack. Or, more likely, my heart had just broken. ~ Darynda Jones

My memories came back like a punch in the face. Only good. ~ Lee Davidson

In three hundred feet, turn right, Darth Vader said. The Darth Vader. I felt like we were friends now. Like I could tell him anything. ~ Darynda Jones

Few things in life are as surprising as having your husband, the man you gave your heart and soul to, throw you off a 350-foot building. I should know. ~ Darynda Jones

I could fight a dozen hounds from hell, I could bring down the son of Satan with a word, but put me in the ring with a psychotic chick, and I go down in the first. ~ Darynda Jones

Can you burn me up with holy water? Poke me to death with your crucifix? Pelt me with communion wafers? ~ MaryJanice Davidson

Every night in my dreams, a man appeared from the darkest recesses of my mind, as if he'd been waiting for me to fall asleep. His mouth, full, masculine, would sear my flesh. His tongue, like flames across my skin, would send tiny sparks quaking through my body. Then he would dip south, and the heavens would open and a chorus singing hallelujah would ring out in perfect harmony. ~ Darynda Jones

Well?" she asked when she picked up.
"Do you think we're really alone in the universe?"
"Were you abducted by aliens again?"
"No, thank goodness. Once was enough for me."
"Oh, whew. So, what happened with Reyes? Did you see him?"
"Saw him. Argued with him. Barfed. ~ Darynda Jones

Hello? I said, because Charley's House of Pasties seemed wrong. ~ Darynda Jones

I have depth. I've read Proust. No, wait, that was Pooh. Winnie the Pooh. My bad
Charley Davidson. ~ Darynda Jones

I was just passing by. Saw the commotion. Figured you were involved. ~ Darynda Jones

We should date."
I laughed, curled him into my arms, and kissed the soft spot underneath his earlobe. "You're going to have to go to obedience school for that to happen. You have authority issues."
"Never mind. We should have sex again and then date."
"Since you put it that way, okay. ~ Darynda Jones

She reached up and curled her fingers into mine. "He should take you to dinner."
To say that the mere thought horrified me would have been a grievous understatement. I threw up a little in my mouth then swallowed hard.
I told Taft when I recovered, "Just please, for the love of God, find a girl good enough to take home to your mother. And do it soon."
"And stop dating skanks. ~ Darynda Jones

Reyes and I sat arm in arm in the back of the rented SUV. He seemed relieved. Happy. ~ Darynda Jones

You realize that by summoning me here, you signed your own death warrant." Demons were nothing to take lightly. I'd seen what they were capable of, but I also knew they were no match against the light that shone inside me. "I do," it said, and I fought to place the language we were speaking. I knew it was ancient. Possibly the first language ever spoken in the universe. "Unless we sign yours first." "Is that what you think will happen here?" "Dutch," Reyes said into my ear, "stop playing with your dinner. ~ Darynda Jones

If upper management found out, they'd send you off to the Probing Department. ~ Lee Davidson

Apparently, this really was Kill Charley Davidson Week. Or at least Horribly Maim Her ... It would probably never get government recognition, though, destined to be underappreciated like Halloween or Thesaurus Day. ~ Darynda Jones

He's an enigma wrapped up in sensuality padlocked with a dozen chains of desire and topped off with a razor-sharp ribbon of danger. There are more layers to him than a billionaire's wedding cake. ~ Darynda Jones

Where the hell did my bones go? I asked. This whole upright thing had me stumped. ~ Darynda Jones

The dreams continue for over a month. Each reveals a new facet of her personality. One night, she is wild and unpredictable. The next, she is shy or giggly or coy. She laughs and growls and bites and sucks. ~ Darynda Jones

Wow, girlfriend, you're incompatible with life!
And here I thought I was just incompatible with pink. ~ MaryJanice Davidson

Garrett must have sensed I was awake. "Hey Detective," he said to Uncle Bob, who was now trudging across the grating toward us. "I think we're losing her. I have no choice but to perform mouth-to-mouth."
"Don't you dare," I said, my lids still in lockdown. ~ Darynda Jones

I watched as Reyes fell, a scream I couldn't hear wrenched from my throat as I waited for him to do something. For him to react. To save himself. It was Reyes, after all. He could do anything. ~ Darynda Jones

He'd been in surgery for-like-ever, then in recovery, but they put him in a room because, despite the amount of blood loss, his wounds were no longer life threatening. "You here to get in my pants?" he asked.
"You're not wearing any pants," I reminded him. "You're wearing a girly gown with a built-in ass ventilator. ~ Darynda Jones

Do you really think you'd go to hell?"
"No. As a god, I'd go to a prison dimension, I suppose."
"I think you've seen the inside of enough prisons to last you a few million years. And besides, why would you go there? You've done nothing wrong, Reyes."
He offered me a sad smile and looked away. ~ Darynda Jones

Time-out," I said. He twisted his hand around and wound his fingers into mine. "You're putting me in time-out?"
"Yes," I said as a shaky sigh slid through my lips.
"If I don't go, do I get a spanking? ~ Darynda Jones

I could've knocked the shit out of her .She'd have good reason to roll her eyes then. But knocking the shit out of rude people wasn't my style. Heckling them every chance I got was.
Hopefully she'd screw up soon. I didn't have all day. ~ Darynda Jones

I don't think I get enough credit for the fact that I do all of this unmedicated. - T-SHIRT ~ Darynda Jones

If he were ever to break up with me, I would so be that stalker ex-girlfriend who stole his underwear and hid in the hedges outside his bedroom window. ~ Darynda Jones

I noticed you tore down Donovan's house."
He lifted his gaze until it locked with mine. "He's alive because he left town. His house chose to stay. It paid the price. ~ Darynda Jones

There was nothing like a trip to the gynecologist to make one feel just a little violated.
Charley ~ Darynda Jones

Did you look at the memo?"
"What memo? We're getting memos now?"
"I sent a memo a week ago. I've been sending you a memo every week with a list of all the updates and my notes on all our cases for weeks now."
Holy cow. Missed the boat on that one. "Oh, those memos. I totally knew that."
"You're not even reading them, are you?"
"I thought they were optional."
Note to self: Stop making paper airplanes out of Cookie's memos. ~ Darynda Jones