Humor Life Quotes

They deem him their worst enemy who tells them the truth. -Plato, philosopher (427-347 BCE) ~ Plato

There used to be a canny politician in the Hyde Park area in Chicago in which I at one time lived for several years. His slogan was "I am for harmony if I have to use an axe." As "Secretary of Charm," if and when my merits and ambitions are recognized by my appointment to that office, I will take a page out of old "Doc" Jamieson's book. My motto will be "I will have charm, even if I have to use a club. ~ Beatrice Fairfax

When I was laying there in his arms nothing else mattered. My parents, my lack of funds, everything just seemed to melt away as I was lost in his lips- Bentley Evans ~ Magan Vernon

тот что нас не убивает нас не интересует. 'That which cannot kill us does not interest us.' Exhaling poison, he explains, 'Nice sentiment shared by thieves and Bratva. ~ Tanya Thompson

Van Gogh was a complete nut job! Can you imagine in this day and age, if an artist or writer that you were going to sign or host an exhibit for had just cut off their freaking EAR and mailed it to their unrequited love? Talk about a PR nightmare. No one would be willing to work with that mess – seriously! How would you feel if you were told, "Hey, umm, your next writer just cut her own finger off? No big deal. She's all right."

As artists, we're all kind of odd in our own ways. I think that should be celebrated and more appreciated – I'm not saying that more people should start to cut off their ears or fingers or other appendages – but for god's sake, stop censoring everyone to death. It makes me sick. ~ Kelly Fitzharris Coody

Here's to freedom, cheers to art. Here's to having an excellent adventure and may the stopping never start. ~ Jason Mraz

Things that we do without knowing why are we doing them are usually the best things that we do. ~ Minhal Mehdi

It's important for young men and women who look at the Nebraska champs to understand that quality of life is more than just blocking shots. ~ George W. Bush

Dangerously close to having to work for a living. ~ Rosen Topuzov

Wisdom comes from experience. Experience is often a result of lack of wisdom. ~ Terry Pratchett

I had a dream about you last night. Eons ago, we created a Universe, then sat back and watched miniature versions of ourselves try to make all the same mistakes we did. ~ Michael Summers

We're born to die, but don't know why or what it's all about
And, the more we try to learn, the less we know.
Life's a very funny proposition, you can bet,
And no one's ever solved the problem properly, as yet;
Young for a day, then old and gray,
Like the rose that buds and blooms, and fades and falls away.
Losing health, to gain our wealth, as through this dream we tour;
Ev'rything's a guess and nothing's absolutely sure.
Battles exciting, and fates we're fighting, until the curtain fall;
Life's a very funny proposition, after all. ~ George M. Cohan

Thanks to a lifetime of brainwashing by Disney and Lifetime and Hallmark, she naively believes glimpsing God during an epic fuck somehow translates into some kind of happily ever after with her Prince Charming. ~ Lauren Rowe

If you believe in yourself and work hard, your dreams will come true.
Well ... I guess the people who work hard whose dreams don't come true don't get to write books about it, so we never really find out what happens to them. So ...
If you believe in yourself and work hard, you have a fighting shot at having your dreams come true. ~ Mindy Kaling

I live to life or something like that.. ~ Kody Dibble

I applied for the University of Life. Didn't get the grades. ~ David Nicholls

fate has a cruel sense of humor ~ Christopher Paolini

Dogs are here to remind us life really is a simple thing. You eat, sleep, take walks, and pee when you must. That's about all there is. They are quick to forgive trespasses and assume strangers will be kind. ~ Jonathan Carroll

When someone doesn't want to change then there is nothing you can do to change them. And, when someone wants to change there is nothing you can do to stop them. ~ Marnie Kay

Better than a sharp stick in the eye. ~ James Williams

Now, I meant to talk about something else earlier on, and I've forgotten what it was. I've remembered what it is again, but I've also forgotten. And that's really what adult life is like most of the time. ~ Dylan Moran

But there are things I want to do before I die, a whole list that I know I probably won't get to, but I'm sure as hell going to try. ~ Julie Kagawa

I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer. ~ Woody Allen

[I] don't think I was trying to kill myself. I just wanted to hurt, and understand exactly whay I was hurting. This made sense: you cut, you felt pain, period. ~ Jodi Picoult

You know you've spent a lot of time writing fiction when you meet a new person and instead of asking them about what they do, or where they're from, you ask "what's your backstory? ~ David Filmore

After the gratifications of brutish appetites are past, the greatest pleasure then is to get rid of that which entertained it. ~ Miguel De Cervantes Saavedra

I found myself teetering on the edge of Uh-oh, and looking straight down the barrel of Oh, shit. ~ Beth Harbison

Ida was a natural historian who knew how to throw in enough fiction to keep up dramtic tension. And she was replete with details, like a big fat colorful nineteenth-century historical novel, inching forward slowly ... Ida's narrative line, like her waistline, was ample. ~ Marissa Piesman

Just know I am
Not there to catch you
But I am there for you ~ Caleb Warta

I love full on, like 65 mph in a handicapped parking spot. ~ Dark Jar Tin Zoo

The importance of humor is primarily to puncture fixed ideas - to make us step back and realize that our situation, whatever it may be, is, in the grand scheme of things, always contingent and arbitrary and ephemeral. And that helps us to deal with our emotions and to keep going. Holding on to one perspective, on the other hand, whether it takes the form of grief or anger or a particular political standpoint, is often destructive to us and to those around us ~ Paul Murray

I didn't dream about you last night. I woke up in fear. ~ Michael Summers

I'm tired again, I've tried again, and now my heart is full.
And I just can't explain ... so I won't even try to. ~ Morrissey

Life is meaning less when you realized that you are about to die. Till then, everything negative however trifle they may be, depress you. ~ Ankur Basu Roy

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.' But eating too many, is quite enough-plenty. And you'll have to go see the good doc anyway. ~ Solange Nicole

Oh God, Oh God we're all gonna die doesn't really fit the definition of banter, now does it? ~ Lilith Saintcrow

Many complain of their looks, few of their brains. ~ Sally Koslow

Life is not a tragedy, it is a comedy. To be alive means to have a sense of humor. ~ Rajneesh

Ha! And I bet you didn't even see it coming!"
– Dread Emperor Traitorous the First ~ ErraticErrata

Life is all about chances. It's all about these little moments that add up to greatness. And there are times when you have to grab greatness by the balls and say, 'Hey! Greatness! I've got your nuts and you can't do a single godsdamn thing about it! ~ T.J. Klune

You cannot be buried in obscurity: you are exposed upon a grand theater to the view of the world. If your actions are upright and benevolent, be assured they will augment your power and happiness. ~ Cyrus The Great

Clockwork Vendetta is not steampunk; it is steamfun. I can't take myself so seriously as to write something truly punk in the true sense of the word. ~ Gabbo De La Parra

And someone, somewhere, was having an even worse time of it than me. I tried to keep that in mind. No matter how crappy your life, someone will probably beat you in the my-life-is-crap category. Not that I don't let myself whine a little now and then, but sometimes it's good to keep your misery in perspective ~ Lish McBride

The whole of life is just like watching a film. Only it's as though you always get in ten minutes after the big picture has started, and no-one will tell you the plot, so you have to work it out all yourself from the clues. ~ Terry Pratchett

I have met countless people who do not have a single droplet of common sense ~ Kelly Skeete

Rule number one, all love starts with hate ~ Alexander Stapelfeldt

Take life seriously but none of the people in it. ~ Kurt Vonnegut

You know that you have officially HIT at total midlife crisis when you get acne on your wrinkles. ~ Tanya Masse

If the self-help books worked, it would be a shrinking industry not a growing one. ~ Steve Maraboli

I had a dream about you last night.
We moved into a cabin in the countryside.
I couldn't handle the spiders.
You couldn't handle my drama.
I moved back to the city. ~ Michael Summers

I wish you would be more true to your demographic profile. Life is confusing enough. ~ Tony Kushner

It was at this time that I formed one of my own insights: it was strange how intelligent people, like Raffles, without being asked, freely spout off their insights and actually expect less intelligent people, like me, to be interested. ~ Tom Upton

Life is nothin but poop, so eat lots of beans.... And prunes ~ Cray Jones

I'll have that someday, thought Peter. Someone who'll kiss me good-bye at the door. Or maybe just someone to put a blindfold over my head before they shoot me. Depending on how things turn out. ~ Orson Scott Card

If everyone wants to be somebody, I want to be somebody else ~ Benny Bellamacina

Sweet Pocket, you mustn't ask about my life before I came here. What I am now, I have always been, and everything I am is here with you."
"Sweet Thalia," said I. "That is a fiery flagon of dragon toss. ~ Christopher Moore

Smartass Disciple: Three years! I've listened you preaching just for this silly truth?
Master of Stupidity: Who said I was preaching? Who said anything about the truth? ~ Toba Beta

You doan go diggin' for gold in an outhouse. ~ Sandra Hill

Good God, but life could be less than easy, not that he was unaware that it could certainly be a lot worse, but to go about in such a state, pulse high, face red, worried sick that someone would notice how nervous one was, was certainly less than ideal, and he felt sure that his body was secreting all kinds of harmful chemicals and that the more he worried about the harmful chemicals the faster they were pouring out of wherever it was they came from. ~ George Saunders

Life is a very brief candle especially when you burn it at both ends ~ Josh Stern

Never underestimate the stimulation of eccentricity. ~ Neil Simon

For five years I didn't think it was possible to be this happy.
But then he forgot all those promises he made. He forgot why he loved me. He simply stopped loving me.

And this is how he did it:
He stopped talking to me unless I spoke to him.
He stopped holding my hand.
He stopped kissing me good night.
He stopped kissing me good morning.
He stopped kissing me.
He stopped smiling at me.
He stopped laughing.
He stopped bathing and showering with me.
He stopped wanting me.
He started swearing at me.
He started lying to me.
He started cheating on me.
He hurt me.
And then he told me he was in love with another woman and wanted a divorce.
Oh, I forgot. He said he was sorry.

I wanted to blow his fucking brains out. ~ Terry McMillan

I've been embarrassing myself since about birth. ~ Phil Lester

I had a dream about you. You were wearing Sylvester Stallone's sneer as pants, but his lips were saggy on your legs, so you had to wear a mustache as a belt. ~ Dora J. Arod

12."Do you believe in God?" asked the girl once again.

"Yes, I do, I guess. Perhaps more so when I am in trouble. Especially when I am flying in an airplane. ~ Abhaidev

I want a 60-year-old mind, a 30-year-old body, and a 20-year-old man! ~ Carolyn V. Hamilton

You can't really yell at your boyfriend for stealing your seat and your best friend. You also can't yell at your best friend for stealing your boyfriend. Or you can ... but Hi seemed like a much easier way to start the morning. ~ Ally Carter

Marry, and you will regret it; don't marry, you will also regret it; marry or don't marry, you will regret it either way. Laugh at the world's foolishness, you will regret it; weep over it, you will regret that too; laugh at the world's foolishness or weep over it, you will regret both. Believe a woman, you will regret it; believe her not, you will also regret it ... Hang yourself, you will regret it; do not hang yourself, and you will regret that too; hang yourself or don't hang yourself, you'll regret it either way; whether you hang yourself or do not hang yourself, you will regret both. This, gentlemen, is the essence of all philosophy. ~ Soren Kierkegaard

I don't feel any need to play the role of the clown. In my private life I take a break from humor. ~ Gad Elmaleh

Smartass Disciple: What were you thinking when the truth is revealed unto you?
Master of Stupidity: I wasn't thinking. I was having sex when it came to my mind. ~ Toba Beta

I found my way into the Met one afternoon in early September. I guess I wanted to see what other people had done with their lives, people who had made art alone, who had stared long and hard at bowls of fruit. ~ Ottessa Moshfegh

Fake it til you make it. Just make it. ~ Jesse Petersen

She would've been a good woman," said The Misfit, "if it had been somebody there to shoot her every minute of her life. ~ Flannery O'Connor

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. ~ Jeff Foxworthy

If you run away from trouble, it always follows.'
Rather my impression, too. Though that never stopped me trying. ~ Tanith Lee

One of the greatest myths in the world - & the phrase 'greatest myths' is just a fancy way of saying 'big fat lies'
is that troublesome things get less & less troublesome if you do them more & more. People say this myth when they are teaching children to ride bicycles, for instance, as though falling off a bicycle & skinning your knee is less troublesome the fourteenth time you do it than it is the first time. The truth is that troublesome things tend to remain troublesome no matter how many times you do them, & that you should avoid doing them unless they are absolutely urgent. ~ Lemony Snicket

He's going to jail. He can't see. He can't hear. He can't take a leak that lasts under fifteen minutes. But he has an erection and all the other problems are small change. Next time around I'm coming back as a man. Priorities are clearly defined. Life is simple. ~ Janet Evanovich

I don't have any special talents, just an ordinary desire to live like a human being. ~ Mikhail Bulgakov

I am a Christian, you know, Julia.'
So am I. But I'm not above staying out of jail any way I can. ~ Ann B. Ross

Tried living in the real world instead of a shell, but I was bored before I even began. ~ Morrissey

I don't eat food, I eat fat. ~ Bradley Wright

God, come down, if you're really there -
Well, you're the one who claims to care! ~ Morrissey

Two puzzles that cannot be solved:
The miracle of birth and misery of death. ~ Lailah Gifty Akita

Make everything an adventure. Otherwise, it will suck. ~ Nita Morgan

If every one of you was to clean before his own front door, all would be clean of cow flops. ~ Winston Graham

Here you have learned the theories of life," continued the Headmaster, resuming the thread of his discourse, "but after all, life is not a matter of theories. Life is a matter of facts. It calls on the young and the old alike to face these facts, even though they are hard and sometimes unpleasant. Your problem, for example, is to slay dragons. ~ Heywood Broun

I had a dream about you last night. It wasn't until after you sold me the talking car, I realized you were the world's best ventriloquist. ~ Michael Summers

I was court-martialed in my absence, and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence. ~ Thomas Hardy

Diazapam (that's valium), temazepam, lithium, ECT, HRT - how long must I stay on this stuff? Don't give me anymore! ~ Morrissey

We're all whores, sooner or later. ~ Carlos Ruiz Zafon

If one has no sense of humor, one is in trouble. ~ Betty White

With the world's fate resting on your shoulder - you're gonna need someone on your side.
You can't do it by yourself any longer - you're gonna need someone on your side. ~ Morrissey

Though you can live for as much as you like, but your longevity is stupidity if you were leading a worthless life. ~ Michael Bassey Johnson

All lines are gray in the dark. ~ Nenia Campbell

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person. ~ Chelsea Handler

Smartass Disciple: Master, how could I know that you've told me the whole truth?
Master of Stupidity: Someday. [Never on earth. Otherwise I'd lose you and my job] ~ Toba Beta

I detest life-insurance agents: they always argue that I shall some day die, which is not so. ~ Stephen Leacock

Stay away from that guy. He looks like a career criminal. ~ Holly Hood

So, if people didn't settle down to take up farming, why then did they embark on this entirely new way of living? We have no idea – or actually, we have lots of ideas, but we don't know if any of them are right. According to Felipe Fernández-Armesto, at least thirty-eight theories have been put forward to explain why people took to living in communities: that they were driven to it by climatic change, or by a wish to stay near their dead, or by a powerful desire to brew and drink beer, which could only be indulged by staying in one place. ~ Bill Bryson

I'm about to fuck up, he thought clearly, and his next thought was, but I don't have to. This was followed closely by a third thought, the last of this familiar sequence, which was, but I'm going to anyway. ~ Richard Russo