Inspirational Humor Quotes

He had never known such gallantry as the gallantry of Scarlett O'Hara going forth to conquer the world in her mother's velvet curtains and the tail feathers of a rooster. ~ Margaret Mitchell

But there are things I want to do before I die, a whole list that I know I probably won't get to, but I'm sure as hell going to try. ~ Julie Kagawa

You don't have to succeed. You just need to stop failing. ~ Peter James West

We were all born with the courage to stand up to our fears. If not ... then we would have also been born with mouse holes to run into. ~ Timothy Pina

I took a little walk outside for a while. I was surprised that I wasn't feeling what I thought people were supposed to feel under the circumstances. May be I was fooling myself. I wasn't delighted, but I didn't feel terribly upset, perhaps because we had known for a long time that it was going to happen.

It's hard to explain. If a Martian(who, we'll imagine never dies except by accident) came to Earth and saw this peculiar race of creatures-these humans who live about seventy or eighty years, knowing that death is going to come--it would look to hi like a terrible problem of psychology to live under those circumstances, knowing that life is only temporary Well, we humans somehow figure out how to live despite this problem: we laugh, we joke, we live.

The only difference for me and Arlene was, instead of fifty years, it was five years. It was only a quantitative difference--the psychological problem was just the same. The only way it would have become any different is if we had said to ourselves, "But those other people have it better, because they might live fifty years." But that's crazy. Why make yourself miserable saying things like, "Why do we have such bad luck? What has God done to us? What have we done to deserve this?"--all of which, if you understand reality and take it completely into your heart, are irrelevant and unsolvable. They are just things that nobody can know. Your situation is just an accident of life..

We had a hell of goo ~ Richard P. Feynman

Money doesn't always bring happiness. People with ten million dollars are no happier than people with nine million dollars. ~ Hobart Brown

The human route to sympathy or empathy is a clumsy one but it's all we've got. To understand the consequences of our actions we must exercise our imaginations. ~ Robert McLiam-Wilson

I heard a story once in the Orient about two architects who went to see the Buddha. They had run out of money on their projects and hoped the Buddha could do something about it. 'Well, I'll do what I can,' said the Buddha, and he went off to see their work. The first architect was building a bridge, and the Buddha was very impressed. 'That's a very good bridge,' he said, and he began to pray. Suddenly a great white bull appeared, carrying on its back enough gold to finish construction. 'Take it,' said the Buddha, 'and build even more bridges.' And so the first architect went away very happy. The second architect was building a wall, and when the Buddha saw it he was equally impressed. 'That's a very good wall,' he said solemnly, and began to pray. Suddenly the sacred bull appeared, walked over to the second architect, and sat on him. ~ Colin Higgins

A person who Sleeps more, Slips More. ~ Lalit Sharma

I cannot choose for you," he said, "for choosing a bride is like making a bowl of akamu. If someone makes it poorly, you will blame him for the rest of your life; but if you make
it yourself, you will drink it without complaining, whatever the outcome. ~ Sinachi Ukpabi

I'm an active lifetime member of the ... Louie, Louie Society and Proud Of It! ~ Timothy Pina

If you lose the power to laugh, you lose the power to think. ~ Clarence Darrow

The problem with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard. ~ David Gerrold

If everyone was perfect then I am pretty sure I would be perfect. ~ Brian Randleas

The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman.
~ Jonathan Swift

You can't control your feelings but you can control the actions that come with those feelings. ~ Craig Mercier

The worst thing that happens to you may be the best thing for you if you don't let it get the best of you. ~ Will Rogers

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? ~ George Carlin

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it. ~ Richard Feynman

I've been diagnosed as being bi-polar but so have Florence Nightingale and King David ... which kinda leaves me in pretty dam good company ... if I must say so. ~ Timothy Pina

I would have grown up to be a gentleman adventurer if I were more of a gentleman. ~ Alex Potvin

Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think of the glass as too big. ~ George Carlin

We'll show the world we are prosperous if we have to go broke to do it. ~ Will Rogers

Sometimes in life, you either laugh or you cry. And I prefer to laugh. ~ Jim Stovall

Angels can fly because they can take themselves lightly. ~ G.K. Chesterton

I think we agree, the past is over. ~ George W. Bush

None of you seem to understand ... this is a mental institution ... you came to life only because there is some thing wrong with you ~ Zied Saadi

If we're being honest, then, yeah, it's going to suck donkey ass. But we'll get to the other side, and we'll be together. ~ Eli Easton

There is magic in your life! Not appreciating it does not make it any less magical. Yes, some of that magic is dangerous, but so are scissors and electricity and politics- and plenty of other completely human inventions! ~ William Ritter

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars ~ Steve Martin

But only in their dreams can men be truly free. 'twas always thus and always thus will be. ~ N.H. Kleinbaum

We write because we have to, not because we want to ~ Steve Berry

Sorry China ... the Earth revolves around the sun ... not you. FREE TIBET TODAY! ~ Timothy Pina

The mind is a terrible thing! ~ Dan Quayle

I plan on growing old much later in life, or maybe not at all. ~ Patty Carey, Rodeo Rider, 1913

When my muffin top makes an appearance after a dedicated weekend of pizza indulging, when I feel too tired to write and all my words sound boring, when my students aren't laughing at my jokes, I am still enough. ~ Michelle Elaine Kennedy

When you come to a fork in the road, just take it ~ Yogi Berra

The bookworm catches the early bird! ~ A.J. DeJong

If you avoid the killer diseases and keep the degenerative ones under control with sensible diet and exercise and whatever chemotherapy you need to stay in balance, you can live nearly forever. ~ Wallace Stegner

Why would I want to be President of the United States? I'm the King of Disneyland. ~ Walt Disney Company

Wouldn't it be great if life was only Legos? If we could give our kids the right, simple building blocks? ~ Chris Bent

The Peace Panda Says ... Pandas are as ancient as Tibet. Being that we are natural citizens there ... We share their wisdom too! ~ Timothy Pina

Nnaka my son, our elders say, when a kid washes his hands clean, he becomes fit to dine with the elders. Our hearts are filled with indescribable joy and we can rub our belly with delight, so much so that we should give you the largest farmland and the most beautiful bride in the community but alas, we can only do so much. Nonetheless, the crack on the buttocks has not diminished its functions and we shall not disappoint you. ~ Sinachi Ukpabi

If anything is worth doing, it is worth doing it badly. ~ Martha N. Beck

Television is an invention that permits you to be entertained in your living room by people you wouldn't have in your home. ~ David Frost

Please don't follow in my footsteps. I'm already knee-deep in them, and am sinking rapidly... ~ Tony James Slater

I've seen a baby born. And, ahem, I know what made it. But I'm not telling, you'd never believe me. ~ N.D. Wilson

Never only exists in you head. Anything is possible .. ~ Yvonne Wood

An earthly kingdom cannot exist without any quality of persons, some must be free, some serves, some rulers, some subjects. ~ Martin Luther

Some live a long life and touch no one, while others lose their lives too soon, but touch everyone. ~ Gail Mcwilliams

Life is too short to be miserable for 40+ hours a week. ~ A. Dalcourt

Love as if love is the only way to live. ~ Debasish Mridha

Recovery challenges everything we 'knew to be true'. ~ Laurie Davidson

I've learned that I can pretty much do anything I've wanted to as long as I was methodical and diligent about it. It may not sound very exciting really, but it works. ~ Jamie Hyneman

Drink deep the cup of life; take it's dark wine into your soul. For it passes round the table only once. ~ Jack McDevitt

There's nothing worse than ruining a perfectly good moment by thinking someone else will find humor in something they absolutely do not. ~ Chelsea Handler

The germ of creation lies in violence. ~ Rudolfo Anaya

You can accomplish great things by attempting great things. ~ Lailah Gifty Akita

If you have WANNA, you can do ANYTHING!! - The Caterpillar That Wouldn't Change ~ Nancy S. Mure

Faith don't come in a bushel basket, Missy. It come one step at a time. Decide to trust Him for one little thing today, and before you know it, you find out He's so trustworthy you be putting your whole life in His hands. ~ Lynn Austin

You say: 'Oh, please forgive'
You say: 'Oh, live and let live.'
But sorry doesn't help us.
Sorry will not save us.
Sorry is just a word you find so easy to say (so you say it anyway).
Sorry doesn't help us.
Sorry won't protect us.
Sorry won't undo all the good gone wrong. ~ Morrissey

I will create what I am meant
to create.
But I will not destroy what I am meant
to destroy.
Nay, I will stare destruction in the eye
and say,
"I will create you again. ~ Beata N. Imre

His sniff rips a new piece off my heart. ~ Poppet

Everything you do,
do with great love.
Make it a song of your soul,
and beauty of your heart. ~ Debasish Mridha

As I see, 90%+ (and not less than that) of people go about their lives living 90%+ (and not less) of a lie. choose a different way and live the least truth you might be. ~ Mphezulu Xetho Dainamyk

Girls are always complaining that they can never meet a nice guy. Nice guys are everywhere. The problem isn't that there aren't any nice guys, the problem is that all of the nice guys are ugly. ~ Carroll Bryant

The roof was torn off the gym. God's way of telling the jocks that they'd better remember who's really charge. ~ Dana Reinhardt

Let me define a leader. He must have vision and passion and not be afraid of any problem. Instead, he should know how to defeat it. Most importantly, he must work with integrity. ~ A. P. J. Abdul Kalam

The world isn't ending. You are just experiencing turbulence. The plane is safe. The pilot is good. You're in the right seat of life. You just hit a patch of bumpy air. Wait. It will pass. ~ Regina Brett

I like Texas and Texans. In Texas, everything is bigger. When Texans win, they win big. And when they lose, it's spectacular.
If you really want to learn the attitude of how to handle risk, losing and failure, go to San Antonio and visit the Alamo. The Alamo is a great story of brave people who chose to fight, knowing there was no hope of success against overwhelming odds. They chose to die instead of surrendering. It's an inspiring story worthy of study; nonetheless, it's still a tragic military defeat. They got their butts kicked. A failure if you will. They lost. So how do Texans handle failure? They still shout, "Remember the Alamo!"
That's why I like Texans so much. They took a great failure and turned it into a tourist destination that makes them millions.
Texans don't bury their failures. They get inspired by them. They take their failures and turn them into rallying cries. Failure inspires Texans to become winners. But that formula is not just the formula for Texans. It is formula for all winners. ~ Robert T. Kiyosaki

Words transform. Speak only with a good purpose. Say only things that serve you and others. Choose your words wisely. ~ Robert G. Allen

How many legs does a dog have if you call his tail a leg? Four. Saying that a tail is a leg doesn't make it a leg. ~ Abraham Lincoln

Why don't you read the Holy Bible? ~ Lailah Gifty Akita

Every cloud doesn't have a silver lining but making time to look at the beauty of clouds can give you peace of mind ~ C.L. Bennett

I can be really silly when I'm not actually writing silliness, and I have to rein that in. Pynchon, in my opinion, sometimes tells elaborate shaggy dog stories just to work up to a pun or punch line. My challenge is to use humor and wordplay to reinforce the emotional core of the novel. ~ Mary Kay Zuravleff

When you are in alignment with your life purpose; there will be a knowing in your heart that is so strong; that it will let you know your true calling. This will provide you with all the energy you need to fulfill your mission. ~ Renae A. Sauter

That is why I refuse to shutter the windows. We need more light. Even a flower withers without sunshine. ~ Jeff Wheeler

The circumstances of our lives are pieces of a larger scheme in the puzzle of life, and in His Perfect Wisdom, the pieces fit. ~ Renae Jones

The soul is like a wild animal - tough, resilient, savvy, self-sufficient and yet exceedingly shy. If we want to see a wild animal, the last thing we should do is to go crashing through the woods, shouting for the creature to come out. But if we are willing to walk quietly into the woods and sit silently for an hour or two at the base of a tree, the creature we are waiting for may well emerge, and out of the corner of an eye we will catch a glimpse of the precious wildness we seek. ~ Parker J. Palmer

I choose to be me, for now, and forever. I will live my life for me and by me. This is my life and I will live it how I please. ~ Avina Celeste

When people say we don't want to reinvent the wheel, I stop listening: I want to reinvent the wheel! ~ D. Ed Hoggatt

See? Small steps. Just take it one thing at a time and you'll be fine. Angel, I'm not going to hurt you. You know that, right? Can you nod for me? Breathe a little? Tender humor mixed with the concern in his face could undo her. And give her reassurance. She was rather amazed at the combination. ~ Joey W. Hill

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. ~ Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

It's Professor Emerson, and I went to Harvard. Where did you go, an anti–oral sex college?"
"Darling." Julia placed a restraining hand on his arm. "Dr. Rubio is trying to help us and the baby. We want to be healthy."
"Cunnilingus is healthy," he huffed. "I can prove it. ~ Sylvain Reynard

People shouldn't pinky swear if they don't mean it because the pinky is the weakest finger out of the five. If you want to truly stand by what you say, then use your thumb. ~ Patrick Stevens

Because of you, I can see and realize the beauty of life. ~ Debasish Mridha

When we shut people out, we wall ourselves in;When we stop building bridges, we start erecting fences. ~ William Arthur Ward

Love an enemy with unconditional trust.
Reveal his treasure to him without any thrust. ~ Debasish Mridha

Life is a vacation to enjoy the beauty of life. ~ Debasish Mridha

The pillow whistled across the room and smacked him in the face. Nicolas smiled, satisfied. If he was going to die, this was the man he wanted to die beside. ~ Sarah M. Cradit