Neil Simon Quotes

He's too nervous to kill himself. He wears his seat belt in a drive-in movie.

Nathan Lane always wanted to play Oscar. When he came in the first day, he already knew his lines. He said he'd known them since he was 18.

New York is not Mecca. It just smells like it.

It was a limited engagement. When they stop coming, I limit the engagement.

The body of a young woman is God's greatest achievement ... Of course, He could have built it to last longer but you can't have everything.

I go to see plays all the time, and whenever I see Chekhov, I'm amazed at how this Russian play strikes home to me living 100 years later in New York City. I'm drawn to him because of his way with characters and their relationships with each other.

Evan Handler's new book is simply wonderful. He pulls you inside his life, and you come out his very close friend.

[Y]ou're young. Young takes care of everything.

Nothin' sweeter than danger, boys, am I right?

Writers feel like a middleman, standing with pen in hand over the page. A force greater than me stands above telling me what to write. That may sound romantic, but that's how it feels.

I don't want to restrict the life of a play to a particular production. The original actors might leave after the first six months, and I want the play to last 30 or 40 years. You write for the character, not the actor on the stage.

Don't listen to those who say, you taking too big a chance. Michelangelo would have painted the Sistine floor, and it would surely be rubbed out by today.

Wow, this is so great. Snow in New York, isn't it romantic?

Only if you love empty theaters.

I LOVE living, I have some problems with my LIFE, but living is the best thing they've come up with so far.

When its 100 degrees in New York, it's 72 in Los Angeles. When its 30 degrees in New York, in Los Angeles it's still 72. However, there are 6 million interesting people in New York, and only 72 in Los Angeles.

I don't like to see Shakespeare in a theater. I like to see Shakespeare in the park.

Once you start compromising your thoughts, you're a candidate for mediocrity.

I don't use computers ... I'm someone who needs to see the page right away in my hand.

Everyone thinks they can write a play; you just write down what happened to you. But the art of it is drawing from all the moments of your life.

The first book was my first attempt at writing full-length prose.

You're a witness. You're always standing around watching what's happening, scribbling in your book what other people do. You have to get in the middle of it. You have to take sides. Make a contribution to the fight. Any fight. The one you believe in. Until you do, you'll never be a writer, Eugene.

You like a cracker?
What kind of cracker?
Graham, chocolate, cocoanut, whatever you want.
Maybe just a plain cracker.
I don't have plain crackers. I got graham, chocolate and cocoanut.
Alright, a graham cracker.
They're in the kitchen, in the closet.
Maybe later.

I don't like losing the words, as you have to, when I'm asked to turn a play into a movie. It's not a matter of ego ... I'm just better able to create the character for an audience through words rather than through actions.

Give your mind a chance to travel through foreign languages.

Sports is the only entertainment where, no matter how many times you go back, you never know the ending.

If you can go through life without experiencing pain you probably haven't been born yet.

Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you'll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.

I feel like writing about a time when I was probably, and think all of us are, the happiest before the obligations start in.

Never underestimate the stimulation of eccentricity.

[When you write a play] you walk into a forest without a knife, without a compass. But ... if you have a sense of geography, you find that you're clearing a path and getting to the right place.

There's no such thing as a sure thing. That's why they call it gambling.

Sudden money is going from zero to two hundred dollars a week. The rest doesn't count.

There are two million interesting people in New York and only seventy-eight in Los Angeles.

Standing on a ledge again. Everyone laughs at dancing monkey with the typewriter. Not for long, though.

Don't listen to those who say, you are taking too big a chance. Michelangelo would have painted the Sistine floor, and it would surely be rubbed out by today. Most important, don't listen when the little voice of fear inside you rears its ugly head and says "They are all smarter than you out there. They're more talented, they're taller, blonder, prettier, luckier, and they have connections." I firmly believe that if you follow a path that interests you, not to the exclusion of love, sensitivity, and cooperation with others, but with the strength of conviction that you can move others by your own efforts, and do not make success or failure the criteria by which you live, the chances are you'll be a person worthy of your own respects.

Money brings some happiness. But after a certain point, it just brings more money.

But you'll see producers and theatre owners with a billion dollars worth of theaters come in here for lunch and you know why? Because it's cheap. You see those pictures on the wall? All young actors and actresses who you will never hear about in your life... And when 'dis place is gone, the entire Broadway will slide into the East River.

A writer without confidence is like a metaphor without something to compare itself to.

You must realize that honorary degrees are given generally to people whose SAT scores were too low to get them into schools the regular way. As a matter of fact, it was my SAT scores that led me into my present vocation in life, comedy.

It looks different when you're sober; I thought I had twice as much furniture.

I'm getting chest pains ... You give me chest pains Uncle Willie.
It's my fault you get excited.
Yes, it's your fault! I only get chest pains on Wednesdays.
So come on Tuesdays.

Once you've opened yourself up, it's best to go all the way.

People with honorary awards are looked upon with disfavor. Would you let an honorary mechanic fix your brand-new Mercedes?

All humor is based on hostility - that's why World War Two was funny.