Funny Dating Quotes

First and foremost when you're doing comedy, you gotta be relevant and applicable to the times that you're living in. When you try and just do comedy about who is dating who and lifestyle jokes, it gets tiring after a while. It's hard to be funny in that realm. ~ Adam McKay

I do like dating cynics - they tend to be incredibly funny. ~ Chris Pine

Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational
things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the
principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion. ~ Scott Adams

If a girl breaks up with me, I want her to just die, just be dead. Not 'cause I hate her so much as it's just easier for when my friends go, 'Hey, what happened?' 'Oh, she's dead. I'd still be with her, but she's dead. What can I do? She was loving me, but she's dead.' ~ Adam Sandler

Employees make the best dates. You don't have to pick them up and they're always tax-deductible. ~ Andy Warhol

I'm the one who's dating the craft-service guy instead of the producer. Plus, if a producer is going to date a hot young thing, I'm probably not the first person on their list - the weird, quirky, funny girl. ~ Whitney Cummings

We are constantly protecting the male ego, and it's a disservice to men. If a man has any sensitivity or intelligence, he wants to get the straight scoop from his girlfriend. ~ Betty Dodson

I was dating this guy and we would spend all day text messaging each other. And he thought that he could tell that he liked me more because he actually spelt the word 'YOU' and I just put the letter 'U'. ~ Kelly Osbourne

I don't know the first real thing about the dating game. I don't know how to talk to a specific person and connect. I just think you have to go to person by person and do the best you can with people in general. ~ Jason Schwartzman

Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable. ~ Cher

I'm doin' something different. I mean, I talk a little bit about race and interracial dating, but it's not the heart of my act. I just try to do what I think is funny; there's no huge message or through line. ~ Hannibal Buress

It's funny how a hello is always accompanied with a goodbye. It's funny how good memories can make you cry, it's funny how forever never seems to last, it's funny how much you would lose if you forgot about your past, it's funny how friends can just leave when you're down, it's funny how when you need someone they never are around, it's funny how people change and think they're so much better, it's funny how some many lies are packed into one love letter, it's funny how one night can hold so much regret, it's funny how you can forgive but not forget, it's funny how ironic life turns out to be, but the funniest part of all, is that none of that is funny to me. ~ Auliq Ice

At sixteen, I was a funny, skinny little thing, all eyelashes and legs. And then, suddenly people told me it was gorgeous. I thought they had gone mad. ~ Twiggy

Baseball statistics are like a girl in a bikini. They show a lot, but not everything. ~ Toby Harrah

You've always been there for me. Always. Even when I ... " V
"Even when you what?" B
"You know." V
"What?" B
"Fuck. Even when I was in love with you. Or some shit." V
Butch clasped his hands to his chest. "Was? Was? I can't believe you've lost interest." He threw one arm over his eyes, all Sarah Bernhardt. "My dreams of our future are shattered - " B
"Shut it, cop." V
Butch looked out from under his arm. "Are you kidding me? The reality show I had planned was fantastic. Was going to pitch it to VH1. Two Bites Are Better Than One. We were going to make millions ." B
"Oh, for the love. ~ J.R. Ward

Beer must be made by food companies. It makes you wander the streets at 3 am looking for things to eat. "What's that, is it moving, get it!! It's a nun! FRY HER!! FRY HER!" ~ Dylan Moran

You funny thing! So selfish, so practical. Never mind. I will not ask you to kill me, for you would surely find it an annoying task. ~ Nisi Shawl

Don't call 'em dogs. Dogs are loyal and they run after balls. ~ Louise Brown

What? Do you expect me to ask every woman I meet, 'Excuse me are you a goddess, because you look like one to me?' Because frankly, that is cheesy. Even for me. ~ C. Gockel

Spiritual dating requires you both to have the ability to stay present in the moment and expand together. ~ Amy Leigh Mercree

In France, for example, it is not unusual for a husband to have a wife and a mistress. However, if in addition to these two he's also having a fling with a fringe tootsie, both the wife and the mistress are outraged and the combination lover, husband, and cheat may well wind up with a large French bread knife between his ribs. ~ Groucho Marx

We made love like green is blue. That's because we were only half into it, though for the record I was the blue and she was the disinterested yellow. ~ Dark Jar Tin Zoo

I can't tell you how much we laughed on the set to have Alec Guinness in a scene with a big, furry dog that's flying a space ship. ~ Mark Hamill

Darker thoughts crowded in during the deepest hours of the night when he woke listening to the secret mystifying sounds of the sleeping palace. Many nights, the king was there. Pleasant, irrelevant, and distracting, he eased Relius past nightmares and self-recrimination. Some nights he said nothing at all, just comforted with his presence. Other nights he related the events of his day, spewing out his insights and analyses of the Attolian court in a devastatingly funny critique. ~ Megan Whalen Turner

That's the funny thing about writing your life story. You start out trying to remember dates and times and names. You think it's about facts, your life; that what you'll look back on and remember are the successes and failures, the time line of your youth and middle age, but that isn't it at all. Love. Family. Laughter. That's what I remember when it's all said and done. ~ Kristin Hannah

As an adult, I've met an ocean of divorced people. I might even know more divorced people than married people, because I live in godless Los Angeles, where if you're engaged it simply means you're publicly announcing that you are dating a person monogamishly. ~ Mindy Kaling

Cat food. It stinks a bit, but if you don't put up with the smell, the little kitten will die. ~ Karl Pilkington

No one wants to get their ass beat to a soundtrack. ~ Dave Chappelle

But ambition is a funny thing: it creeps in when you least expect it and keeps you moving, even when you think you want to stay put. ~ Lena Dunham

There is nothing that can be said by mathematical symbols and relations which cannot also be said by words. The converse, however, is false. Much that can be and is said by words cannot successfully be put into equations, because it is nonsense. ~ Clifford Truesdell

If you think someone's trying too hard, that's the worst thing they can do. To me, it's just desperate, never funny and never witty. It's kind of really old hat because just being shocking isn't enough. It has to change how you think about something. It has to startle you. It has to make you look at something and reconsider whether you're right. That's the whole point. ~ John Waters

It is great fun dying in the United States of America. It is great fun first of all for the undertakers who make a wonderful living out of it but also for the deceased who suddenly becomes the centre of attention and fuss. ~ George Mikes

Flattening their scorn underneath the chariot wheels of her superiority. ~ Muriel Spark

Airline food is not intended for human consumption. It's intended as a form of in-flight entertainment, wherein the object is to guess what it is, starting with broad categories such as "mineral" and "linoleum." ~ Dave Barry

I remember I prayed to God. I was like, "Just let me be on TV." Let my friends see me on TV in a good thing. I like, if I'm funny a little bit on a commercial and then I don't need to act ever again. "Just let them see me." And then it worked. I got the commercial. I was on TV. My friends all saw me. I was a kind of a star at school for like three days. And then it faded away and I was hungry and I had to like make another deal with God. I remember it still. ~ Jack Black

I'm not the girl men chose.
I'm the girl who's charming and funny and then drives home wondering what she did wrong. I'm the girl who meets someone halfway decent and then fills in the gaps in his character with my own imagination, only to be shocked when he's not the man I thought he was.
I'm the girl who hides who she really is for fear I'll fall short. ~ Liza Palmer

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate. ~ Chelsea Handler

It's a woman's prerogative to take her time about getting ready for a date," Loving Summer by Kailin Gow ~ Kailin Gow

Fly-fishing is the most fun you can have standing up. ~ Arnold Gingrich

I hear sweets help these kind of things, too…" -Jared
"What kind of things is that?" -April
"I don't know." He shrugs before adding, "Woman troubles, heartbreak, Twilight ending? Whatever bugs your mind."-Jared ~ Sheena Hutchinson

The purpose of dating is to find a suitable marriage partner. Period. ~ Lisa Anderson

I am a gay writer, but I am also a Scottish writer and some days a lazy writer, or a funny writer. Being gay is just a part of who I am. ~ Damian Barr

While I relish our warm months, winter forms our character and brings out our best. ~ Tom Allen

It is clear our nation is reliant upon big foreign oil. More and more of our imports come from overseas. ~ George W. Bush

What a funny old world,
Thinking they could cage her,
& make her fear her future;
Apprently they didn't know her well enough,
The cage, gave her wings to fly. ~ Nikki Rowe

I love humanity but I hate people. ~ Edna St. Vincent Millay

When I was a kid, I wanted to make my parents happy. I'd always say to them, "What do you want me to do? Do sports? Be rich? Be funny?" My mother would say, "Whatever we want from you, you already gave us - we wanted you to be alive, and you made it." ~ Etgar Keret

A wise saying is something you keep picking up off the floor in front of your fridge ~ Robert Breault

I've always run by the hierarchy of 'If not funny, interesting. If not interesting, hot. If not hot, bizarre. If not bizarre, break something. ~ Jon Stewart

I think that making love is the best form of exercise. ~ Cary Grant

You know how much I want a Vespa. I'm Vespa Desperate. It's a medical syndrome, you know. I see Vespas and I want to chase them down the street like a rabid terrier. ~ Elle Casey

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no. ~ Mike Birbiglia

He took in the squeaky music, the vulgar and pining melodies, because passion immobilizes good taste and seriously considers what soberly would be thought of as funny and to be resented. ~ Thomas Mann