Funny Girlfriend Quotes

I love my girlfriend, don't get me wrong. I truly love this woman, but I have the ability to have sex without any emotional involvement. It's a gift. ~ Adam Ferrara

My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces. ~ Anthony Jeselnik

I'm a stand up comic and I always sit and slouch, and I got my girlfriend pregnant on my sterile uncles pull-out couch. ~ Bo Burnham

We all men want a bad girl friend, but a good wife. ~ M.F. Moonzajer

My first serious girlfriend, when I was 16, was Mormon. I went to her house for 'family home evening,' and I was like, 'Why aren't you people ignoring each other and watching television?' ~ Trey Parker

Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?" ~ Jimmy Carr

A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.' ~ Anthony Jeselnik

I gave my girlfriend something she didn't expect for Valentine's day ... Chlamydia. ~ Frankie Boyle

I'm 47, my girlfriend's 33; she's 14 years younger than me, back of the net! ~ Steve Coogan

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!" ~ Billy Connolly

There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault? ~ Jimmy Carr

I don't necessarily like wearing lipstick; I just think it's funny to do. I think the darker the better, but it's whatever my girlfriend Kiera has in her purse. ~ Mac DeMarco

To the stupidity of men, " Dakota said, raising a glass. "And my brother, who is their king. ~ Susan Mallery

When I turned 18, I skipped my party to take my girlfriend on a road trip. It turned out to be an amazing birthday. ~ Josh Hartnett

Hello?" I say, sounding upbeat, and like I'm happy to be on the phone. I decide to pretend it's my imaginary girlfriend. Fuck pretending to be nice.
"Yo, " B. J. Says.
"What's going on, honey?" I say, trying to glance at Courtney out of the corner of my eye without her noticing that that's what I'm doing. She's going through her bag, probably looking for more makeup, so she can make herself look good for Lloyd.
"Honey?" B. J. Asks. "Jordy, I had no idea you felt that way about me. I have to warn you, though, I happen to be in a very committed relationship. "
"Yeah, I miss you, too. ~ Lauren Barnholdt

Walked right by an ex-girlfriend today. Not on purpose, I just didn't recognize her with her mouth closed. ~ Aristotle.

We all know how funny Morrissey is. Actually, you know what? I say that sarcastically. His songs are some of the funniest songs I've ever heard in my life. I mean, really. I mean, not that the 'Girlfriend in a Coma' is, like, really funny. ~ Zach Galifianakis

After 'Crocodile Dundee,' I turned down lots of stuff, most of it where I'd play the girlfriend of some funny man. ~ Linda Kozlowski

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat. ~ Jimmy Carr

And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone! ~ Rodney Dangerfield

We are constantly protecting the male ego, and it's a disservice to men. If a man has any sensitivity or intelligence, he wants to get the straight scoop from his girlfriend. ~ Betty Dodson

Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories; kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100; diapering your monkey, 35 calories; laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories; catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings. ~ Dave Attell

My girlfriend doesn't think I'm funny at all. ~ Robbie Amell

All my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids. 'Oh, David, it's so hard.' That's not hard. I'll tell you what hard is. Try talking your girlfriend into her third consecutive abortion. Yeah, that's hard, that takes finesse. You're just inconvenienced. ~ David Cross

You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary. ~ Daniel Tosh

I was talking to my friend and he said his girlfriend was mad at him. I said, "What happened?" He goes: "Well, I guess I, uh ... I guess I said something, and, uh ... and then she got her feelings hurt." That's a weird way to phrase it: "She got her feelings hurt. I said something, and then she ... " Could you more remove yourself from responsibility? "She got her feelings hurt." It's like saying, "Yeah, I shot this guy in the face, and then I guess he got himself murdered. I don't know what happened. He leaned into it." ~ Louis C.K.

My girlfriend and I went to a dinner party the other night and we ended up playing charades. There was another couple there that was deaf. They were so good. ~ Zach Galifianakis

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian ... ~ Jimmy Carr

It's important for me to treat a girlfriend with respect. My mum would be horrified if I behaved any differently - and I have sisters, and would hate for them to be treated badly by guys. ~ Louis Tomlinson

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

Mel: Does Bret's girlfriend look anything like me? Murray: A little, around the eyes. Mel: Oh yeah? Big eyes huh? Murray: Well ... she's got eyes. ~ Kristen Schaal

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty." ~ Jimmy Carr

My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen. ~ Mitch Hedberg

Apollo watched me closely, intently. "No."

My eyes narrowed. "No to what?"

"I'm not sending you after them. Not yet," he said, surprising me into silence - a rarity. "I have another task for you. You need to leave for southern Virginia immediately. I'd snap your sunshine-and-rainbows ass there, but now that you've annoyed me, you'll drive the twenty or so hours to get there."

Okay. That was irritating, but I kind of liked road trips, so whatever. "What's in southern Virginia?"

"Radford University."

I waited.

I waited some more, and then sighed. "Okay. You want me to enroll in college?" I asked, and Apollo tipped back his head and laughed so loudly, he actually whooped. I frowned. "What the hell is so funny about that idea?"

"You. College. Using your head. That's what's funny."

I was seconds away from blasting him with akasha. ~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid. ~ Dave Barry

Marriage is the equivalent of trying to live with a bug perpetually up your nose.
D'Artagnan Bloodhawke ~ D'Artagnan Bloodhawke

I guess I like things that take time and attention. More worthwhile that way. ~ Huntley Fitzpatrick

You think I'm daffy?"
"Don't be offended by a snap judgment. It's true of anyone who cares about squirrels. ~ Edward W. Robertson

First and foremost when you're doing comedy, you gotta be relevant and applicable to the times that you're living in. When you try and just do comedy about who is dating who and lifestyle jokes, it gets tiring after a while. It's hard to be funny in that realm. ~ Adam McKay

The lawyer was a short, ugly, little man. He stood about three feet taller than his desk's two foot eight inch frame and he had dark eyes. Lois couldn't tell if they were black or an extremely dark brown. His hair was dirty blonde and very messy. He looked as if he had just crawled out of bed. His white button up shirt was tucked in on only one side and the other side hung out freely. He wore a pair of tan khakis and a pair of black loafers. His skin almost matched the khakis which was extremely creepy and Lois kept thinking the man wasn't wearing pants. ~ Rebecca McNutt

Try to please or impress everyone and you'll fail the person that's most important; YOU. Everyone won't think your funny, smart or that you deserve that promotion. Some will say you are not a good parent, sibling, spouse, partner, friend or child. Just be the best person possible. If you truly love who you are other's opinions won't even matter. ~ Carlos Wallace

Death isn't funny."
"Then why are there so many jokes about death? Jill, with us - us humans - death is so sad that we must laugh at it. ~ Robert A. Heinlein

The funny thing about making this record and being away from the girls and on my own in LA is that it allowed me to reflect on how much we've accomplished. ~ Melanie Chisholm

I get mad at people who talk about traumatic job interviews, about going on one and getting rejected. I get rejected all the time and not only do I get rejected, but people have no problem being really specific about why I was rejected. ~ Julia Sweeney

Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified. ~ Anthony Jeselnik

Robert Altman's 'Nashville' is my all-time favorite film because it covers all the bases - it's original, moving, and has something to say, but also funny and incredibly entertaining. ~ Douglas Wood

I glean a few times a week, and it's all about the subject line. I look for the lyrical, "Billowy Red Scarf Girl" or the funny, "Hipster Chick Who Passed Gas," the unintentionally funny, "Looking for the Hot Girl in Pink Dress," ones that immediately suggest images, "Furry Arms Under a Yellow Umbrella," or the plain odd, "Seeking Girl Who Bit Me Twice ... " I don't think I've ever abandoned one ... the images usually arrive fully formed in my head as soon as I read the message, and I decide whether to draw it or not. ~ Sophie Blackall

The Internet is for haters. Everyone wants to knock somebody down, but it's cool. ~ Andy Cohen

Sydney: Can I ask you a question? Me: As long as you promise never again to start a question off with whether or not you can propose a question. Sydney: Okay, asshole. I know I shouldn't be thinking about him at all, but I'm curious. What did he wrote on that paper when we went to get my purse? And what did you write back that made hit you? Me: I agree that you shouldn't be thinking about him at all, but I'm honestly shocked it's taken you this long to ask me about it. Sydney: Well? Ugh. I hate writing it verbatim, but she wants to know, so ... Me: He wrote "Are you fucking her?" Sydney: OMG! What a prick! Me: Yep. Sydney: So what did you say back to him that made him punch you? Me: I write, "Why do you think I'm here for her purse? I gave her a hundred for tonight, and now she owes me change." I reread the text, and I'm not so sure it sounds as funny as I thought it did. ~ Colleen Hoover

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me. ~ Mitch Hedberg

Why is it called Dr. Device?" "When it was developed, it was called a Molecular Detachment Device. M.D. Device." Ender still didn't understand. "M.D. The initials stand for Medical Doctor, too. M.D. Device, therefore Dr. Device. It was a joke." Ender didn't see what was funny about it. ~ Orson Scott Card

Between lovers a little confession is a dangerous thing. ~ Helen Rowland

I try to stick to a vegan diet heavy on fruit and vegetables. ~ Clint Eastwood

Adam Carolla is like Hitler if Hitler wasn't funny. ~ Andy Kindler

That's what acting is about, Funny wigs and voices, that's what we do. ~ Cillian Murphy

She's as funny as a toothache ~ Erma Bombeck

Some people drip wax on themselves like a human chianti bottle to see if they feel anything ... .but getting a wicker basket to fit them is a fiasco ~ Josh Stern

I'd be happy to play anyone's girlfriend. I'm happy to be working, ever. It's not an intentional thing to play these messed up, crazy characters, but I'm happy to do it 'cause someone's got to. ~ Madeline Zima

Some people are funny, and some people are not funny. Many people who are not funny can make a living at it. You don't have to be great to make a living at it. Just like a doctor who doesn't have to be great can still make a living out of it. ~ Woody Allen

It's funny how that comes up, because sometimes I'll write something and I'll think, I don't know if that's a film or a play, and then other things I feel very strongly about them just being plays - they feel very theatrical to me. ~ Neil LaBute

Don't even think of arguing with me. I'm an old woman and if you fight me about it, it could give me a heart attack. ~ Sara Humphreys

It's quite clear that Virginia Wade is thriving on the pressure now that the pressure on her to do well is off . ~ Harry Carpenter

Why are you always so mad?"

She laughs under her breath. "That's easy," she says. "Assholes, stupid customers, a shitty job, worthless parents, crappy friends, bad weather, annoying roommates who don't know how to kiss."

I laugh at the last comment, which I'm sure was supposed to be a dig, but it felt more like an underhanded flirt.

"How are you so happy all the time?" she asks. "You think everything is funny."

"That's easy," I say. "Great parents, being lucky enough to have a job, loyal friends, sunny days, and roommates who starred in porn films. ~ Colleen Hoover

I'm an Asian with a Southern accent. To a lot of people, that right there is funny. ~ Henry Cho

The reading public isn't born that doesn't think foreigners are either funny or faintly sinister. ~ Christopher Hitchens

Believers favour answers over questions, clarity over uncertainty. Athiests, more or less the same. Funny, when it comes to God, Whom we know next to nothing about, very few of us actually say, 'I don't know. ~ Elif Shafak