Undertaker Quotes

He undertook to overtake
The road was on a bend
From now on the Undertaker
Is his only friend ~ Neil Gaiman

I may not dress like Satan anymore, but I'm still down with the Devil and I will go medieval on your ass. ~ The Undertaker

She had felt this intense disembodiment for the last four days, really from the moment the Snake Man had told them to turn around. And then the police, the undertaker, asking if she wanted to see the body one last time and Claire blanching at the word body and sobbing like a child because she had spent every single second since they had taken Paul from her arms trying to remove the image of her lifeless, murdered husband from her mind. ~ Karin Slaughter

She who pays the undertaker calls the tune. ~ Margaret Atwood

... the sea defrauds many an honest undertaker of his profits. ~ Frederick Marryat

There is a great supply of amateur undertakers in show business. ~ Ethel Waters

Be afraid ... be VERY afraid! ~ The Undertaker

In my very first Wrestlemania match, I won. 17 wins from tying the Undertaker. Don't laugh. ~ The Miz

Man, I have absolutely zero ability into narrowing absolutely any of my favorites into just one, but I have to say, I gotta go between Undertaker and Triple H. Other than all the obvious reasons, but the biggest one for me, those are the only two guys, I could make a mistake and it would be okay. I could put the trust of the match, the story, and absolutely everything into their hands and let go of my control. I'm a control freak (laughs). Those are the only two guys I can let drive and take my hands off the steering wheel. ~ Shawn Michaels

Funeral: a pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure that deepens our groans and doubles our tears. ~ Ambrose Bierce

As Oliver accompanied his master in most of his adult expeditions too, in order that he might acquire that equanimity of demeanour and full command of nerve which was essential to a finished undertaker, he had many opportunities of observing the beautiful resignation and fortitude with which some strong-minded people bear their trials and losses. ~ Charles Dickens

If the eyes are the windows to the soul, the voice is its song. You can tell a great deal about a man by listening to him. ~ Kristen Callihan

There were two things Southerners hated to see knocking on their door. Jehovah Witnesses, because the majority of us were Baptist, and the undertaker. It was understandable that when Terk Rhinehammer opened the door, his face turned white as all the blood was drained from it after he looked past me and saw my hearse.
"What's wrong?" He used his hands to pat down his chest. "I'm not dead, am I? ~ Tonya Kappes

You better give your soul to the Lord, because the rest of your scrawny ass, will belong to me! ~ The Undertaker

Lady," The Misfit said, looking beyond her far into the woods, "there never was a body that give the undertaker a tip. ~ Flannery O'Connor

We need to take our cue from the drug dealers in Hoboken who, when they reach twenty, go to the local undertaker and prepay their funeral because they don't expect to live to thirty. ~ Robert Littell

Undertaker, your yard is right in the middle of my world! ~ Triple H

How solemn and beautiful is the thought, that the earliest pioneer of civilization, the van-leader of civilization, is never the steamboat, never the railroad, never the newspaper, never the Sabbath-school, never the missionary - but always whiskey! Such is the case. Look history over; you will see. The missionary comes after the whiskey - I mean he arrives after the whiskey has arrived; next comes the poor immigrant, with ax and hoe and rifle; next, the trader; next, the miscellaneous rush; next, the gambler, the desperado, the highwayman, and all their kindred in sin of both sexes; and next, the smart chap who has bought up an old grant that covers all the land; this brings the lawyer tribe; the vigilance committee brings the undertaker. All these interests bring the newspaper; the newspaper starts up politics and a railroad; all hands turn to and build a church and a jail - and ~ Mark Twain

When a doctor refuses money, even the most ethical ones, you usually start driving a good bargain with the undertaker. ~ Sue Sanders

We are what stands between the living and the dead. Being an Undertaker is an honor, son. ~ Melissa Marr

Our Grub-street biographers watch for the death of a great man like so many undertakers on purpose to make a penny of him. ~ Joseph Addison

It is great fun dying in the United States of America. It is great fun first of all for the undertakers who make a wonderful living out of it but also for the deceased who suddenly becomes the centre of attention and fuss. ~ George Mikes

To be objective is to treat others as you treat an object, a corpse - to behave with them like an undertaker. ~ Emil Cioran

My father was in the kitchen putting a new washer in the kitchen faucet. He looked relieved to see Morelli standing in the hallway. He'd probably prefer I bring home someone useful, like a butcher or a car mechanic, but I guess cops are a step up from undertakers. ~ Janet Evanovich

You can not kill that which is already dead. ~ The Undertaker

My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama. ~ Fred Allen

I don't think The Undertaker and Triple H need Shawn Michaels to deliver a spectacular match or make this incredibly interesting. Those two can do that on their own. Right now, as far as I'm concerned, I'm going to be there watching it like everyone else. ~ Shawn Michaels

Funeralese has had its ups and downs. The word 'morticians,' first used in Embalmers Monthly for February, 1895, was barred by the Chicago Tribune in 1932, 'not for lack of sympathy with the ambition of undertakers to be well regarded, but because of it. If they haven't the sense to save themselves from their own lexicographers, we shall not be guilty of abetting them in their folly. ~ Jessica Mitford

My father was the funniest man I ever met. He made Redd Foxx look like an undertaker. ~ Henry Louis Gates

I am able to say that while I am not ruggedly well, I am not ill enough to excite an undertaker. ~ Mark Twain

The Librarian shyly held out a small, battered green book. Vimes had been expecting something bigger, but he took it anyway. It paid to look at any book the orangutan gave you. He matched you up to books. Vimes supposed it was a knack, in the same way that an undertaker was very good at judging heights. ~ Terry Pratchett

One mistake up here and it's half a day out with the undertaker! ~ Fred Dibnah

Philosophy always buries its undertakers. ~ Etienne Gilson

Why put off kicking somebody's *ss next week when I can do it right now. ~ The Undertaker

Will's fleshy face contorted and a memory swept over him like a chilling wind. He did
not move slowly over the past, it was all there in one flash, all of the years, a picture, a feeling and a despair, all stopped the way a fast camera stops the world. There was the flashing Samuel, beautiful as dawn with a fancy like a swallow's flight, and the brilliant, brooding Tom who was dark fire, Una who rode the storms, and the lovely Mollie, Dessie of laughter, George handsome and with a sweetness that filled a room like the perfume of flowers, and there was Joe, the youngest, the beloved. Each one without effort brought some gift into the family.
Nearly everyone has his box of secret pain, shared with no one. Will had concealed his well, laughed loud, exploited perverse virtues, and never let his jealousy go wandering. He thought of himself as slow, doltish, conservative, uninspired. No great dream lifted him high and no despair forced self-destruction. He was always on the edge, trying to hold on to the rim of the family with what gifts he had - care, and reason, application. He kept the books, hired the attorneys, called the undertaker, and eventually paid the bills. The others didn't even know they needed him. He had the ability to get money and to keep it. He thought the Hamiltons despised him for his one ability. He had loved them doggedly, had always been at hand with his money to pull them out of their errors. He thought they were ashamed of him, and he fought bitt ~ John Steinbeck

Probably the undertaker thinks less of death than almost any other man. He is so accustomed to it that his mind must involuntarily turn from its horror to a contemplation of how much he makes out of the burial. ~ Clarence Darrow

Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry. ~ Mark Twain

Do not despair - many are happy much of the time; more eat than starve, more are healthy than sick, more curable than dying; not so many dying as dead; and one of the thieves was saved. Hell's bells and all's well - half the world is at peace with itself, and so is the other half; vast areas are unpolluted; millions of children grow up without suffering deprivation, and millions, while deprived, grow up without suffering cruelties, and millions, while deprived and cruelly treated, none the less grow up. No laughter is sad and many tears are joyful. At the graveside the undertaker doffs his top hat and impregnates the prettiest mourner. Wham, bam, thank you Sam. ~ Tom Stoppard

Every night in the year, four of us sat in the small parlour of the George at Debenham - the undertaker, and the landlord, and Fettes, and myself. ~ Robert Louis Stevenson

Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry. - Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar ~ Mark Twain

The fear of death is far greater than the death itself. But the fear of the unknown is the greatest fear of all! ~ The Undertaker

No couple buying wedding rings wants to be reminded that someday one of them will have to accept the other one's ring from a nurse or an undertaker. ~ Anne Tyler

You'll never get me into a tux. Not until I'm dead and I have no choice because that's what the undertaker put me in. ~ Danny Elfman

So long as there is one pretty girl left on the stage, the professional undertakers may hold up their burial of the theater. ~ George Jean Nathan

Tonight, there will be a sacrafice! ~ The Undertaker

Sometimes it is hell, trying to get to heaven. ~ The Undertaker

I have nothing against undertakers personally. It's just that I wouldn't want one to bury my sister. ~ Jessica Mitford

BODY-SNATCHER, n. A robber of grave-worms. One who supplies the young physicians with that with which the old physicians have supplied the undertaker. ~ Ambrose Bierce

She was daft. That's what she was. Completely mental. There was no other explanation for why she was lurking in the back of Butler's Undertaker Lounge and Pub while her siblings were about to go in the front so they could distract him. ~ Carlene O'Connor

I'm gonna kick your teeth so far down your throat you'll be able to chew your own ass out for pissin' me off. ~ The Undertaker

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other. ~ W.C. Fields

Undertaker, if that is your real name ... ~ Kurt Angle

They have passed the big inheritance tax, and that gets you when you are gone. You used to could die and be able to beat taxes, but not now. The undertaker don't go over your body as carefully as the assessor does your accumilated assets, and he gets his before the undertaker. They have it on these big fortunes now where they pay as high as 60 to 70 percent of what they leave. That's mighty expensive dying when it runs into money like that, and you won't see 'em dropping off as casually as they have been. ~ Will Rogers

Allow the purity of evil to guide you. ~ The Undertaker

Drop the guns, boys. Do it, or you'll be seeing the doctor tonight. Or the undertaker. My aim's not that good anymore. ~ Janelle Mowery

In all my years here, I don't think I've ever seen quite so many assholes gathered in one place! ~ The Undertaker

You would do the same thing if a dead body turned up in your home."
Siobhán stopped when she remembered who she was talking to. "I mean, if you weren't an undertaker like. ~ Carlene O'Connor

My Client Brock Lesnar conquered the Undertakers Undefeated Streak at Wrestlemania ~ Paul Heyman

Nobody really wants to be your friend when they discover that you work with dead people. ~ Rebecca McNutt

Nearly everyone has his box of secret pain, shared with no one. Will had concealed his well, laughed loud, exploited perverse virtues, and never let his jealousy go wandering. He thought of himself as slow, doltish, conservative, uninspired. No great dream lifted him high and no despair forced self destruction. He was always on the edge, trying to hold on to the rim of the family with what gifts he had - care, and reason, application. He kept the books, hired the attorneys, called the
undertaker, and eventually paid the bills. The others didn't even know they needed him. He had the
ability to get money and to keep it. He thought the Hamiltons despised him for his one ability. He had
loved them doggedly, had always been at hand with his money to pull them out of their errors. He thought they were ashamed of him, and he fought bitterly for their recognition. All of this was in the frozen wind that blew through him. ~ John Steinbeck

I don't want to go into a fridge at an undertaker's. I want you to keep me at home until the funeral. Please can someone sit with me in case I get lonely? I promise not to scare you. ~ Jenny Downham

In the busy city, dying might be resented as a breach of good taste, and the body hastily dispatched to the undertaker and the crematorium; but in Lost Haven, where a man's mates had to turn out and dig his grave, it was an occasion shared by the whole community. ~ Kylie Tennant

He [dad] always had some kind of trouble with his leg. He'd have bandages wrapped around it all the time but he'd never go and see a doctor. He'd rather have dropped dead than go to a doctor. He was terrified of them, like a lot of people his age were. And he'd never take a day off work. If he ever stayed at home feeling ill, it was time to call the undertaker. ~ Ozzy Osbourne

Disappointed Englishman.

Several Englishmen who were inveigled by a mountain guide in eastern Tyrol into climbing the Drei Zinnen with him were so disappointed, after reaching the highest of the three peaks, with what Nature had to offer them on this highest peak that then and there they killed the guide, a family man with three children and, it seems, a deaf wife. When, however, they realized what they had actually done, they threw themselves off the peak, one after the other. After this, a newspaper in Birmingham wrote that Birmingham had lost its most outstanding newspaper publisher, its most extraordinary bank director, and its most able undertaker. ~ Thomas Bernhard

Make failure your teacher, not your undertaker. ~ Zig Ziglar

The falseness of the seventeenth century became a large measure of the truth by the nineteenth. Money made the man, or at least went a long way toward doing so; and death became the occasion for a final accounting, a stocktaking of worldly success. Of course, there were other metrics: virtue, martyrdom, political standing, fraternal ties. But it took money to publicize them. The funeral became more and more a standardized commodity whose cost could be matched with exquisite precision to the class and degree of 'respectability' of the deceased. When one bought a funeral, one bought a more or less splendid parade, each additional bauble, each horse, each feather or set of nails adding to the base price. Bit by bit, finery accumulated, and by looking at the account books of an undertaker who specialized in pauper funerals, we can begin to see the bounds of decency in death. ~ Thomas W. Laqueur

UNDERTAKER!" the head boomed. "BOY, DO I HAVE A JOB FOR YOU! ~ Tom Upton

We must learn that any person who will not accept what he knows to be truth for the very love of truth alone is very definitely undermining his mental integrity ... you have not been a close observer of such men if you have not seen them shrivel, become commonplace, mean without influence, without friends, and without the enthusiasm of youth and growth, like a tree covered with fungus, the foliage deceased, the life gone out of the heart with dry rot and indelibly marked for destruction
dead, but not yet handed over to the undertaker. ~ Luther Burbank

Failure is not fatal. Failure should be our teacher, not our undertaker. It should challenge us to new heights of accomplishments, not pull us to new depths of despair. From honest failure can come valuable experience. ~ William Arthur Ward

With the energy he had conserved yesterday letting her dress him, he had written a note and pinned it in his pocket. IF FOUND DEAD SHIP EXPRESS COLLECT TO COLEMAN PARRUM, CORINTH, GEORGIA. Under this he had continued: COLEMAN SELL MY BELONGINGS AND PAY THE FREIGHT ON ME & THE UNDERTAKER. ANYTHING LEFT OVER YOU CAN KEEP. YOURS TRULY T. C. TANNER. P.S. STAY WHERE YOU ARE. DON'T LET THEM TALK YOU INTO COMING UP HERE. ITS NO KIND OF PLACE. ~ Flannery O'Connor

Nearly everyone has had a box of secret pain, shared with no one. Will [Hamilton] had concealed his well, laughed loud, exploited perverse virtues, and never let his jealousy go wandering [ ... ] He was always on the edge, trying to hold on to the rim of the family with what gifts he had - care, and reason, application. He kept the books, hired the attorneys, called the undertaker, and eventually paid the bills. The others didn't even know they needed him. ~ John Steinbeck

Life isn't that sweet. That's why everyone wants sweet things. ~ The Undertaker

The talent of a meat packer, the morals of a money changer, and the manners of an undertaker. ~ William Allen White

The business aspects of the Fourth of July is not perfect as it stands. See what it costs us every year with loss of life, the crippling of thousands with its fireworks, and the burning down of property. It is not only sacred to patriotism and universal freedom, but to the surgeon, the undertaker, the insurance offices - and they are working it for all it is worth. ~ Mark Twain

A model of probity, a steady hand to reassure the grieving, a sober man - a grave man - solid as the pillar of a tomb. A good dose of gangster to the hat to let you know the councilman played his politics old-school, with a shovel in the dark of the moon. Plus that touch of Tombstone, of Gothic western undertaker, like maybe sometimes when the moon was full and Flowers & Sons stood empty and dark but for the vigil lights, Chan Flowers might up and straddle a coffin, ride it like a bronco. ~ Michael Chabon

If you try me, I will make you famous. ~ The Undertaker

Marley was dead, to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that. The register of his burial was signed by the clergyman, the clerk, the undertaker, and the chief mourner. Scrooge signed it. And Scrooge's name was good upon 'Change for anything he chose to put his hand to. Old Marley was as dead as a door-nail. ~ Charles Dickens

Well, the priest did very well, considering. He got in all the details, and that is a good thing in a local item: you see, he had kept books for the undertaker-department of his church when he was younger, and there, you know, the money's in the details; the more details, the more swag: ~ Mark Twain

When I thought about people, I always pictured them the way they looked when they didn't know anyone was watching them. Johnny Clay had a grin that meant wickedness. Sweet Fern frowned in a way that meant she didn't approve of things. Granny's eyes always danced like she was thinking up mischief. Daddy Hoyt was peaceful. Ruby Poole sparkled like a firecracker. Linc looked serious as an undertaker. Beachard's eyes were far away as the moon. Mama had been sunshine. Our daddy's face was always changing, just like Harley Bright's. But Duke wore a sad face, even when he smiled. ~ Jennifer Niven

Kurt Angle and Randy Orton were great guys to work with. The Undertaker was great to work with, believe it or not, because of the height difference. But overall, my number one choice is Eddie Guerrero, and that's because without him, Rey Mysterio wouldn't be at the level that he was in WWE. ~ Oscar Gutierrez

I've crippled more people than polio. ~ The Undertaker

I will claim the soul of The Undertaker ~ Bray Wyatt