Funny Comebacks Quotes

A scarlet flame suffused her face. 'You are very insolent,' she said, lamely. 'I've often been told so. But I don't believe it. ~ Rafael Sabatini

Oooh, hard to say," Angela sneered behind Kami. "Other than live without magic like everybody els, you loser. ~ Sarah Rees Brennan

In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar - a practice which is still continued. ~ Helen Rowland

The less one has to do, the less time one finds to do it in. ~ Lord Chesterfield

You'd be surprised how expensive it costs to look this cheap. ~ Steven Tyler

She was so warm, her drenched clothes had almost dried. Her eyes were rolled back in her head. She started muttering, and I could've sworn she said, "Dung balls. Time to roll the dung balls."
It might've been funny - except for the fact that she was dying.
"That's Khepri talking," Setne explained. "He's the divine dung beetle, rolling the sun across the sky."
I didn't want to process that - the idea that the girl I liked had been possessed by a dung beetle and was now having dreams about pushing a giant sphere of flaming poo across the sky. ~ Rick Riordan

Have you heard his new song? 'Cause he thinks he's a black man now. ~ Natasha Leggero

It's funny. Some people remember that a lot more than I do. I remember certain parts of it, and if everybody who mentioned that to me had been to the game who said they were at the game, there'd be 800,000 people at that game, I think. ~ Carlton Fisk

You can't tell me the success of Kevin Bacon isn't somehow tied to his name. You're not going out to see a Kevin Hot-Dog movie. ~ Jim Gaffigan

What if you didn't have time to draw them on one day? Or what if it rained and your eyebrows started dripping off? Hopefully her eye pencil is waterproof. ~ Lauren Barnholdt

Carma,
Here are the Pants and a little sketch I made of Leo. From memory, not from life. (And no, I'm not thinging of him day and night. God.)
Funny hair, huh?
He did not realize I was in his class. I think I'm making a big impression around here.
Love you,
Len ~ Ann Brashares

My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts. ~ Demetri Martin

My guys saw you on Fremont last week, Dan. You know what they saw you doing?" "Their mothers?" I replied. "Funny," he said and turned back to Juliette. ~ Craig Schaefer

Tempted to type meaningless twaddle all the time on Twitter ... with alliteration, no less! ~ E.A. Bucchianeri

I know some people say I can be funny. But there is always a deeper meaning to what I say. I am a socialist at heart and have the interests of the poor in mind. When people see how I manage to work my way out of tough situations, it gives them hope in their own life. ~ Lalu Prasad Yadav

Good practice, everyone," Rusty said at last. "Light on the actual learning, heavy on the emotional catharsis, and thanks to Jared I think I need a rabies shot, but them's the breaks. ~ Sarah Rees Brennan

While I relish our warm months, winter forms our character and brings out our best. ~ Tom Allen

I am a confectionery-based existentialist. ~ Bill Bailey

Good night. Don't let the boogeyman bite"

"Mindy, there is no boogeyman, "I said as I snuggled in to bed, " I hauled Carl in years ago. ~ Kate Danley

A guy gave me a job at an information booth - no questions asked. ~ Jay London

Sam came around the side of the car and stopped dead when he saw me. "Oh my God, what is THAT?" I used my thumb and middle finger to flick the multicolored pom-pom on top of my head. "In my language, we call it a HAT. It keeps my ears warm." "Oh my God," Sam said again, and closed the distance between us. He cupped my face in his hands and studied me. "It's horribly cute." He kissed me, looked at the hat, and then he kissed me again. I vowed never to lose the pom-pom hat. ~ Maggie Stiefvater

This is very ambitious, but I don't care. I'm just gonna go ahead and find Amelia Earhart. Every day that goes by, I just fear the worst for her. ~ Kristen Schaal

The room where they were dancing was very dark.... It was queer to be in his arms.... She had known better dancers.... He had looked ill.... Perhaps he was.... Oh, poor Valentine-Elisabeth.... What a funny position!.... The good gramophone played.... Destiny!.... You see, father! ... In his arms! Of course, dancing is not really.... But so near the real thing! So near!... 'Good luck to the special intention!...' She had almost kissed him on the lips ... All but!... Effleurer, the French call it.... But she was not as humble.... He had pressed her tighter.... All these months without.... My lord did me honour.... Good for Malbrouck s'en va-t-en guerre.... He knew she had almost kissed him on the lips.... And that his lips had almost responded.... The civilian, the novelist, had turned out the last light.... Tietjens said, 'Hadn't we better talk?...' She said: 'In my room, then! I'm dog-tired.... I haven't slept for six nights.... In spite of drugs...' He said: 'Yes. Of course! Where else?.... ~ Ford Madox Ford

In my circle of friends, I've always been loud and funny and talkative. But as soon as I step out of that circle, I get very quiet and introspective. I don't want the spotlight on me. ~ Rosie Perez

Ah, yes, divorce ... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. ~ Robin Williams

Who decides which defects are funny and which ones are tragic? Nobody laughs at blind people or makes iron lung jokes. ~ David Mitchell

It's funny how you call me a celebrity. Oh man. ~ Steven Hill

Genitive is a funny word because it means "from," but it also is the gender in European languages for objects: the masculine, feminine, and neuter. So if you have a genitive present, there's room for everybody to fit in. I just did a project in Vienna about rock, paper, scissor; you change the gender and it simply changes the whole thing. Rock is no longer a male. It doesn't function the same way. ~ Lawrence Weiner

Merrill Krause - "My brothers have scared off just about any fellow who showed interest in getting to know me."
Granny Lassiter - "Well, if a man can't stand up to those brothers of yours, you needn't even consider him. A man ought to be able to hold his own with his wife's family. ~ Tracie Peterson

Being funny is one of the ultimate weapons a person can have in human society. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

The pollen count, now that's a difficult job. Especially if you've got hay fever. ~ Milton Jones

Oh, god ... " I whimper. "I haven't done anything yet, baby," Colton growls. "I know," I pant. "I was just saying your name. ~ Jasinda Wilder

If I'm in something funny, I like to try and find some kind of serious line in it that people can relate to. ~ Ron Livingston

You cannot hurt animals, so what do I do? I kill the dog first. Then I do it with the boy. You're not supposed to break the illusion of this being a film, so I make the actor talk to the audience. Provocation is the principle of the whole film [ Funny Games]. It is very ironic. ~ Michael Haneke

Do you have someone in mind, Galen?" Toraf asks, popping a shrimp into his mouth. "Is it someone I know?"
"Shut up, Toraf," Galen growls. He closes his eyes, massages his temples. This could have gone a lot better in so many ways.
"Oh," Toraf says. "It must be someone I know, then."
"Toraf, I swear by Triton's trident-"
"These are the best shrimp you've ever made, Rachel," Toraf continues. "I can't wait to cook shrimp on our island. I'll get the seasoning for us, Rayna."
"She's not going to any island with you, Toraf!" Emma yells.
"Oh, but she is, Emma. Rayna wants to be my mate. Don't you, princess?" he smiles.
Rayna shakes her head. "It's no use, Emma. I really don't have a choice."
She resigns herself to the seat next to Emma, who peers down at her, incredulous. "You do have a choice. You can come live with me at my house. I'll make sure he can't get near you."
Toraf's expression indicates he didn't consider that possibility before goading Emma. Galen laughs. "It's not so funny anymore is it, tadpole?" he says, nudging him.
Toraf shakes his head. "She's not staying with you, Emma."
"We'll see about that, tadpole," she returns.
"Galen, do something," Toraf says, not taking his eyes off Emma.
Galen grins. "Such as?"
"I don't know, arrest her or something," Toraf says, crossing his arms.
Emma locks eyes with Galen, stealing his breath. "Yeah, Galen. Come arrest me if you're feeling up to it. But I'm t ~ Anna Banks

What is she doing here? I wondered. Hasn't she had enough green-upping? ~ Lisa Papademetriou

"And then we played Ping-Pong - "
"Not pool? I always assumed he was a billiards man - I mean, it's so handy the way he keeps a stick up his - ~ Claire LaZebnik

I find it funny how people from Boston and New York hate each other because of pro teams. But, like, everyone on the Red Sox is a random millionaire athlete from somewhere else. ~ Julian Casablancas

I only lie for sex or money or to practice for when I need to lie for sex or money. ~ Stephen Schneider

I lacked the knowledge of linear perspective needed to get into the art school, so now I whitewash walls and imagine I'm heaven's landscape painter. ~ Bauvard

It's a funny old world. Once you realize that, you're halfway there. ~ Maeve Binchy

Condoms should be marked in 3 sizes: jumbo, colossal and super colossal, so that men do not have to go in and ask for the small. ~ Barbara Seaman

I'm a fan of Bill Hicks. He did things that no other stand up did at the time. He was making fun of religion, at that time it was a lot harder to say those things in the States than it was here. To slag off Christianity and fundamentalist Christians, and to be pro drugs and anti gun in the deep south, that's a big ask. And he did that and made it funny. Bill Hicks was able to say things that he really thought, and he managed to make those thoughts funny without a care if it antagonised people. ~ Ed Byrne

I don't consider myself, you know, in real life one of those funny guys. My comedy comes through my work, ~ Eugene Levy

This City is what it is because our citizens are what they are. ~ Plato

Why do women always look so funny alone at night? she thought. I guess you're so used to seeing them with someone. ~ Shirley Jackson

I forget sometimes I need to eat and drink now. ~ Cassandra Clare

My dad has an incredible passion for living life, and he's really, really funny, so he definitely encourages me to enjoy all aspects of life. He's very proud of me and definitely encourages my career path, and we have a good time talking about work. ~ Spencer Grammer

When you step out and do a song in a musical, the easier thing to do is make it funny. But when those transitions become necessary, when they aren't camp, that, to me, is magic. I've done musical comedies and enjoyed them, but subject matter that's deeper and more realistic is always what's appealed to me most. ~ Kelli O'Hara

Nothing burns like the cold. ~ George R R Martin

The high point of the act is when he (Uri Durov) puts his head inside the bear's huge jaws. I wouldn't even try that with my agent. ~ Bob Hope