Funny Book Quotes

Charles Darwin wrote a famous book in 18 gibberish. And that book was an interesting book, cuz it was called "Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-You" ~ Eddie Izzard

I immediately went out and bought a book on anger management. And now I have that book, and I don't know if I'll get to the book. But I'm certainly excited about the day where I can't find the book, and I get to say, 'Where the hell is my anger management book?!' ~ Marc Maron

Gaylord Perry and Willie McCovey should know each other like a book. They've been ex-teammates for years now. ~ Jerry Coleman

You know, he would go and look at different funny books because he wanted his character to be different and make different faces. I saw a funny book in his room and it looked like the same character he was playing. It was about a duck. ~ Bubba Smith

Books are totally useless unless you take their advice. If you just keep reading them, thinking "that's so insightful! that changes everything," but never actually doing anything different, then pretty quickly the feeling will wear off and you'll start searching for another book to fill the void. ~ Aaron Swartz

I know that I'm crazy. And that has made all the difference." From: Furiously Happy: A funny book about horrible things. ~ Jenny Lawson

Old age is - a lot of crossed off names in an address book. ~ Ronald Blythe

You ever talk about a movie with someone that read the book? They're always so condescending. 'Ah, the book was much better than the movie.' Oh really? What I enjoyed about the movie: no reading. ~ Jim Gaffigan

Justin Halpern tosses lightning bolts of laughter out of his pocket like he is shooting dice in a back alley. In one sweep of a paragraph, he ranges from hysterical to disgusting to touching
and does it all seamlessly. Sh*t My Dad Says is a really, really funny book. ~ Laurie Notaro

I've just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better. ~ Milton Jones

Eagles, buffalos and deserts vast,
it's no good living in the fucking past. ~ Mark Jackman

Are you in pain?"
I rolled my eyes. Good news was that Apollo must've had a little talk with Hermes. "No, but you're a pain in my ass. Does that count? ~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

Son of Lady Chatterley's Lover had obvious commercial advantages (as a title for this book), but it impugned the marital status of my parents, something that enough critics were already doing. ~ Jack Paar

There was a part of my brain that wanted to ask if his wife had a beard, verify my theory. I told that part of my brain to shut up. ~ R.R. Virdi

The Bible is the funniest book I have ever read. It's so funny! Right in the first six pages, it's funny! ~ David Cross

If I could read a book, I'd definitely read one of yours. ~ Paris Hilton

Letter from Griffith-- "I know it is difficult, but do work harder to control yourself. Mother was beside herself with worry when she found you rolling on the floor laughing over a book you were reading."
The memory brought a curve to Miranda's lips. It had been a very funny book. ~ Kristi Ann Hunter

I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me! ~ Zach Galifianakis

Oh no?" he sneered, pulling a packet of cigarettes from his pocket and lighting one up. "Knowing what you're like, the slightest sign of a discarded cigarette butt and you would've been crawling around on your hands and knees trying to figure out how tall the smoker was, how old he was, what zodiac sign he was, whether he'd taken a crap that morning, and Christ knows what else. ~ Tim O'Rourke

Dylan: What was that? Is Brooke breaking shit now? I know she's upset but she needs to remember where she is,Joey.HANDLE IT.

Sweet Christ. Why couldn,t she be on bed rest at her mother's?

Me: Ease up on the shouty caps,cupcake. Everything is under control.

Dylan:BETTER BE.(I love you)

Me: BITCH.(love you too) ~ J. Daniels

He has only half learned the art of reading who has not added to it the more refined art of skipping and skimming. ~ Arthur Balfour

Something fell and George was off, barking like a mad dog. What if whoever is back there hurts him?
Oh. My. Goodness. If I do die, I can do so happily now. That man's eyes were so blue - and I swore they changed color.
"I made a huge mistake," Jake said as he took the leash off of George. "I said p-i-z-z-a out loud. And he took off at a fast jog all the way back here from the park right through Ms. Helen's sprinklers down the street."
And then nothing…no words entered my brain. I sniffed and quickly nodded, like I was about to cry. "Okay. Right. Amen."
Then I forced myself to slow down and not run back to my seat. ~ Candace Havens

But Tact and Sensitivity were not Gobber's strong points, and he took the first five minutes to come up with "Hiccup copped it. SORRY," and the spent the second five minutes tearing his beard out. ~ Cressida Cowell

You know why horror-movie characters always get killed? Because they've never seen horror movies. They don't know how it works. Right? But we do. So no one go into the basement alone. No one go screaming off into the woods alone. No one has any sex. ~ Carrie Vaughn

And so the cycle of innocence found, lost, found again, and finally

lost is complete. Just as a peanut is neither a pea nor a nut… and a thighmaster is neither a thigh nor a master… so our hero learned that

Netflix and Chill means neither Netflix nor Chill.

And if you're just learning this for the first time, welcome to the end of your innocence. ~ Philip Rivera

A book is a mirror: if an ape looks into it an apostle is hardly likely to look out. ~ Georg Christoph Lichtenberg

You belong in an insane asylum, you know that?"
"Maybe my next case... ~ R.R. Virdi

I wouldn't overall say that The Diagnosis it's a funny book. I would say that it has comic moments. It's a modern tragedy. ~ Alan Lightman

If my books had been any worse, I should not have been invited to Hollywood, and if they had been any better, I should not have come. ~ Raymond Chandler

Reading makes immigrants of us all. It takes us away from home, but more important, it finds homes for us everywhere. ~ Hazel Rochman

How are you feeling?"
"Like I fell out a burning building onto pavement, you?" I grumbled.
"Like I was pushed out of a burning building by a maniac," she retorted, a small smile playing across her face. ~ R.R. Virdi

Not that it isn't great to see you. But it's not so great for you. What'd you do wrong? Laugh at his dick? ~ Margaret Atwood

Sadly for you, I think I'm going to live, Simi. You can stop slapping me now. I've already lost enough sense. Can't afford to lose any more brain cells. I really really need my last three before I forget how to spell my name. It's hard enough to pronounce." Nick
"well, poo. Not poo that you'll live, 'cause the Simi would probably miss you if you died, but poo that I'll miss all that good old salty boy meat. Though we needs be fatting you up some to make you really good eats. Hmmm." Simi ~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

You should be out stirring up trouble with your friends, not bothering with all them books you read. You know it's them books what make you talk funny. ~ Lauren Myracle

Humor is the oxygen of children's literature. There's a lot of competition for children's time, but even kids who hate to read want to read a funny book. ~ Sid Fleischman

Sean was stung. "I do not fuck everything that has a pulse," he said haughtily. "I have my standards. I limit myself to endoskeletal organisms. I always go for vertebrates. And I dont't do reptiles. Ever. ~ Shannon McKenna

My bosses would be beyond pissed if tomorrow's New York Times read: "Solid gold tiger eats stupid couple who were taking photos of it with their camera phone. ~ R.R. Virdi

My mortgage isn't getting any cheaper and I can't run that Ferrari on faith alone," Reverend Jones said. "Don't get me wrong, the Big Man upstairs does what he can but I've never once seen him filling up the tank of my car. ~ Mark Jackman

A man's got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book. ~ Ernest Hemingway,

The Side Effects of Dying in Your Pants isn't really funny ... Alright, it's a little funny. ~ John Green

It took me eight books to finally be at a point in my career where I could come out with a book and say, 'This is meant to be a funny book,' and we didn't have to make any bones about it. ~ John Scalzi

With the history of us, a book wouldn't necessarily be the best thing. ~ Keisha Buchanan

For those of you haven't read the book, it's being published tomorrow ~ David Frost

When I'm dead, I hope it may be said: his sins were scarlet, but his books were read. ~ J.P. Donleavy

The big advantage of a book is that it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

You ever buy a book and not read it? You feel almost guilty having it up on a bookshelf. People are like, "Hey, how's that book?" "I haven't read it." "Oh, did you just buy it?" "I've had it since high school." "Well, can I borrow it?" "No." ~ Jim Gaffigan

Holy hell, did she love her a good dimple. And this one was deadly.
She needed to get him to stop smiling. Now. ~ Jami Gold

Do flat-earthers believe that other planets are also flat? ~ Oliver Markus Malloy

His only real financial failure came at the age of thirteen when, in an uncharacteristic error of judgement, he invested £200,000 of his own savings in wooden socks, an invention that never caught on as he had hoped. ~ Mark Jackman

Are you prepared?" she asked when the other Valkyries had their passengers in place.
"Sure," Matt said. "But we could use a soundtrack this time. Maybe a little Wagner. Da-da-da DUM dum."
Hildar looked back at hiim blankly.
"Wagner? Ride of the Valkyries? Da-da-da...Er, never mind."
"Oh!" Baldwin said. "I know that one!"
"Don't feed the geek," Fen muttered.
"Hey," Matt said. "I'm not a-"
"Oh, yeah, you are, Thorsen. You really are," Fen said in a voice that might have been teasing. ~ M.A. Marr

Oh for Christ sakes. Ay carrumba, chimichanga. I have no idea what you're saying, but shut your pretty pie hole. ~ Cristin Harber

Someone once said writing and gardening are similar pursuits. Tell you what, I'd have one fucked up garden if that were the case. ~ Carla H. Krueger

I am eternally grateful for my knack of finding in great books, some of them very funny books, reason enough to feel honored to be alive, no matter what else might be going on. ~ Kurt Vonnegut

I Know you are asking: What if I am wrong?
What if RAGNAROK does not come? What if it does not happen the way I say it is going to happen?
I suppose that is a possibility.
Perhaps the Mayans WERE wrong.
Maybe we WILL enter a new era of consciousness.
Maybe we will NOT destroy ourselves with technology.
Perhaps it will be that some new old god comes. Say his name is DOZGOTH, the 701st, and say he takes pity on us. And a thousand years after all the suffering of RAGNOROK, he will retcon us back to the very day this book was pusblished.
You will remember nothing of what happened or what you did to survive. The only evidence that any of this ever happened will be this book, and the fact that ou now have a tentacle instead of an arm. But you will explain that away simply by saying you are wearing an octopus sleeve. The mind can explain so many things when it wants to close its eyes and sleep.
Perhaps only one person will remember what really happened, and he will be named Jonathan Coulton. But he cannot tell anyone, for he is but an animal. ~ John Hodgman

Chocolate is a kitchen witch's secret weapon. It makes friends easily, soothes troubled spirits, and is conducive to romance. When nothing else works, go with chocolate.
- Sadie Trevalyn's Book of Kitchen Witchery ~ Alyssa Goodnight

What kind of books do you like?'
'I like books about nice people. And a story where it all comes out right in the end.'
'But Nancibel, that's not true to life.'
'I daresay not. Why should it be?'
'You're an escapist.'
'Pardon?'
'You don't want the face facts.'
'Not in story books, I don't. I face plenty between Monday and Saturday without reading about them.'
Bruce sighed.
'I don't think a book ought to be sad,' said Nancibel, 'unless it's a great classical book, like 'Wuthering Heights.'
'Oh! You've read 'Wuthering Heights'. Did you like it?'
'Yes, but I didn't think it was the right part for Merle Oberon. Running about with bare feet, well she was hobbling most of the time. You could see she wasn't used to it.'
'Oh... you mean the film. ~ Margaret Kennedy

I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I have no pleasure in any man who despises music. It is no invention of ours: it is a gift of God. I place it next to theology. Satan hates music: he knows how it drives the evil spirit out of us. ~ Martin Luther

Don't just make a name for yourself on earth; let your name be written in the book of life in Heaven, the seat of the Sovereign God! ~ Ernest Agyemang Yeboah

There are certain pieces of music that are always attached to certain books. ~ Maurice Sendak

We cannot by a little verbal sophistry confound the qualities of different minds, nor force opposite excellences into a union by all the intolerance in the world ... If we have a taste for some one precise style or manner, we may keep it to ourselves and let others have theirs. If we are more catholic in our notions, and want variety of excellence and beauty, it is spread abroad for us to profusion in the variety of books and in the several growth of men's minds, fettered by no capricious or arbitrary rules. ~ William Hazlitt

I'm a huge Marvel Comics fan, and I'm a huge 'Wolverine' fan, I like the 'X-Men' comic book. ~ Jason David Frank

It's Friday and I'm ready to swing. Pick up my girls and hit the party scene. ~ Aaliyah

Crimson covered Her chest, Her throat spread wide like a mouth, and he clutched the wound.
"She's bleeding! ~ Jenna Moreci

She was too tired to feel anything more, she wanted a book to do to her what books did: take away the world, slide it aside for a little bit, and let her please, please just be somewhere and somebody else ~ Lev Grossman

We invest less in our friendships and expect more of friends than any other relationship. We spend days working out where to book for a romantic dinner, weeks wondering how to celebrate a partner or parent's birthday, and seconds forgetting a friend's important anniversary. ~ Mariella Frostrup

They were indeed what was known as 'old money', which meant that it had been made so long ago that the black deeds which had originally filled the coffers were now historically irrelevant. Funny, that: a brigand for a father was something you kept quiet about, but a slave-taking pirate for a great-great-great-grandfather was something to boast of over the port. Time turned the evil bastards into rogues, and rogue was a word with a twinkle in its eye and nothing to be ashamed of. ~ Terry Pratchett

I page through the book, my heart thumping in my chest as I'm brought back to him, to Mayson Holt, the boy who stole my heart, broke it and disappeared from my life five years ago. The man who I do not allow myself to think about. The man who still owns a very large piece of my soul. ~ Melissa Brown

Some of you, we all know, are poor, find it hard to live, are sometimes, as it were, gasping for breath. I have no doubt that some of you who read this book are unable to pay for all the dinners which you have actually eaten, or for the coats and shoes which are fast wearing or are already worn out, and have come to this page to spend borrowed or stolen time, robbing your creditors of an hour. It is very evident what mean and sneaking lives many of you live, for my sight has been whetted by experience; always on the limits, trying to get into business and trying to get out of debt, a very ancient slough, called by the Latins aes alienum, another's brass, for some of their coins were made of brass; still living, and dying, and buried by this other's brass; always promising to pay, promising to pay, tomorrow, and dying today, insolvent; seeking to curry favor, to get custom, by how many modes, only not state-prison offences; lying, flattering, voting, contracting yourselves into a nutshell of civility or dilating into an atmosphere of thin and vaporous generosity, that you may persuade your neighbor to let you make his shoes, or his hat, or his coat, or his carriage, or import his groceries for him; making yourselves sick, that you may lay up something against a sick day, something to be tucked away in an old chest, or in a stocking behind the plastering, or, more safely, in the brick bank; no matter where, no matter how much or how little. ~ Henry David Thoreau

Wilke subscribed to the principles laid out in a seminal book about constraints in manufacturing, Eliyahu M. Goldratt's The Goal, published in 1984. ~ Brad Stone

There is a particular circle of hell not mentioned in Dante's famous book. It is called comportment, and it exists in schools for young ladies across the empire. I do not know how it feels to be thrown into a lake of fire. I am sure it isn't pleasant. But I can say with all certainty that walking the length of a ballroom with a book upon one's head and a backboard strapped to one's back while imprisoned in a tight corset, layers of petticoats, and shoes that pinch is a form of torture even Mr. Alighieri would find too hideous to document in his Inferno. ~ Libba Bray

Read a book without thinking about finishing it. Just read it. Enjoy every word, sentence, and paragraph. Don't wish for it to end, or for it to never end. ~ Matt Haig

Video is a funny thing. It's one thing to be an artist, singer-songwriter, and use words and create pictures in people's minds. And then be asked to do video for it, to actually give a certain visual for your song. ~ Melissa Etheridge

We try too much and trust too little. Count the times God's Book tells us to "try." Now count the times it tells us to "trust. ~ Peter Kreeft

The sensation of writing a book is the sensation of spinning, blinded by love and daring. It is the sensation of a stunt pilot's turning barrel rolls, or an inchworm's blind rearing from a stem in search of a route. At its worst, it feels like alligator wrestling, at the level of the sentence. ~ Annie Dillard

He swiveled his head towards Eddie. "Tell me how to get over to the Four Lads. Do I have to die again?"
If he did, he had a Beretta on him and he knew what kicking the bucket from a gunshot was like. Snore.
"Don't bother." Adrian cracked his knuckles. "They're not going to tell you anything. They can't."
What the fuck? "I thought I worked for them."
"You work for both sides, and they've given you all the help they can."
Jim looked back and forth between the two angels. Each of them had the tight expression of a guy with a shoestring noosing up his balls.
"Help?" he said. "Where's my goddamned help?"
"They gave you us, asshole," Adrian snapped. "And that's all they can do
I've already gone over and asked them who's supposed to be next. I figured it would help you, you ungrateful bastard. ~ J.R. Ward

You know the funny thing, I don't get along with rich people. I get along with the middle class and the poor people better than I get along with the rich people. ~ Donald Trump

My own preference, as a reader, for this sort of book, is to experience the closest possible equivalent to culture shock. I want to go to new, strange places, feel lost, and then (probably with quite a few subtle nudges on the author's part) gradually figure out where I am and what the heck's going on. As a reader, I enjoy few things more. From feedback, I know that I'm not alone in that, but also that some readers find it too demanding. But it's impossible to take care of both sides of that particular aisle at once. If you make it through the book, though, then go back and reread the beginning, you may find that you actually enjoy it this time, because everything's as coherent as I was able to make it, and you already know where you are. ~ William Gibson

My little hobby. Book Collecting. And yet, old friends, books do not age as you and I do. They will speak still when we are gone, to generations we will never see. Yes, the books must survive. -Bulldog ~ Corrie Ten Boom

A bachelor's life is no life for a single man. ~ Samuel Goldwyn

It's funny when you smile," she said. "It's like a rainbow on a cloudy day."
"Don't ever say that to me again. ~ Maureen Johnson

I remember a very tender moment from that year, when Steve and I were lying on the floor watching Ellen do a series of crazy, arm-flinging, and knee-slapping dances and tumbles. I looked at Steve and said, "Isn't it funny how I just love her that much more for being so vulnerable and uninhibited and goofy. I could never do that. Can you imagine knowing that you're loved like that?"
Steve looked at me and said, "I love you exactly like that. ~ Brene Brown

I think about Old Nick carrying me into the truck, I'm dizzy like I'm going to
fall down.
"Scared is what you're feeling," says Ma, "but brave is what you're doing."
"Huh?"
"Scaredybrave."
"Scave."
Word sandwiches always make her laugh but I wasn't being funny. ~ Emma Donoghue

An all-loving god would surely not damn his children to an eternity of torture simply for being born into a culture that believes in the wrong deity, follows the wrong holy book or attends the wrong type of church services. ~ Armin Navabi

I'm not going to touch her," he said "She's not mine.She never will be."
"Indeed." Bruiser rolled his eyes and dusted off his hat. "Definitely no years of pent-up lusting there. Glad we have that sorted. ~ Tessa Dare

She thinks you're stalking me."
"Why the hell would I do that? I see too much of your ugly mug as it is. ~ Margaret Watson

I like the hip writers: Fitzgerald, the guy who committed suicide, Hemingway, all those guys. Some of them were alcoholics and drug addicts but they had fun. They were real people. They formed the culture of American literature. Hemingway admired Tolstoy, Tolstoy admired Pushkin, and Mailer admired Hemingway. It all flows down. The greats are all connected. One day I'm gonna write a book myself. The first chapter will be about what a rough deal my momma got. She believed in you guys and your society. ~ Mike Tyson

Thorkell Mylrea had waited long for a dead man's shoes, but he was wearing them at length. ~ Hall Caine

We take it for granted we know the whole story - We judge a book by its cover and read what we want between selected lines. ~ Axl Rose

The heart can get really cold if all you've known is winter. ~ Benjamin Alire Saenz

God-fucking-damn but he was seriously good-looking. "Have you ever had the stuffed pancakes here? They're evil. I highly recommend them."
"Heh. The cop is recommending evil," I said. "Too funny."
To my surprise, Ivanov chuckled. "You've discovered my dark side. ~ Diana Rowland

She was an idiot. An adorable, gorgeous, feisty, funny, sweet, sexy idiot. ~ Sarah Mayberry