Gardening Humor Quotes

I plant daffodil bulbs about eight inches deep. As I mentioned before, I don't use a ruler. As a married woman, I know perfectly well what six or eight inches looks like, so it's easy to make a good estimate. This mental measurement makes planting time much more interesting than it might be otherwise. ~ Cassandra Danz

A lot of people think that to make a garden, all you have to do is put a few seeds in the ground. These are the same people who think that conceiving a baby makes you a good parent. ~ Cassandra Danz

A daffodil bulb will divide and redivide endlessly. That's why, like the peony, it is one of the few flowers you can find around abandoned farmhouses, still blooming and increasing in numbers fifty years after the farmer and his wife have moved to heaven, or the other place, Boca Raton. If you dig up a clump when no one is nearby and there is no danger of being shot, you'll find that there are scores of little bulbs in each clump, the progeny of a dozen or so planted by the farmer's wife in 1942. If you take these home, separate them, and plant them in your own yard, within a couple of years, you'll have a hundred daffodils for the mere price of a trespassing fine or imprisonment or both. I had this adventure once, and I consider it one of the great cheap thrills of my gardening career. I am not advocating trespassing, especially on my property, but there is no law against having a shovel in the trunk of your car. ~ Cassandra Danz

All the books and instructions insist that the selection of the soil is the most important part of gardening. No doubt it is. But, if a man has already selected his own backyard before he opens the book, what remedy is there? All the books lay stress on the need of "a deep, friable loam full of nitrogen." This I have never seen. My own plot of land I found on examination to contain nothing but earth. I could see no trace of nitrogen. I do not deny the existence of loam. There may be such a thing. But I am admitting now in all humility of mind that I don't know what loam is. ~ Stephen Leacock

Someone once said writing and gardening are similar pursuits. Tell you what, I'd have one fucked up garden if that were the case. ~ Carla H. Krueger

Soap wasn't invented until the Romans, who also invented interesting sex. (Since my editor informs me that a gardening book is not a proper venue for discussions of interesting sex, I will go into this topic in more detail when I write my private memoirs, 'A Petunia Named Desire'). ~ Cassandra Danz

I keep telling you, nobody wants legs like a stick insect. They want a bottom they can park in a bike in and balance a pint of beer on. ~ Helen Fielding

The more you complain the longer God lets you live ~ Bertrand Russell

You know there's plenty of love to go around. It takes the right situation to bring it out of people – and all situations are right. ~ Art Hochberg

In life we have our trophy people. These are the ones we work hard for, we are proud of. We want to show them off to our family, our friends, we want them on our arm at company functions. We take pictures with them to let everyone know we feel like a winner and we are happy.

Then you have your participation ribbons, the ribbons you get just for simply showing up. You didn't have to earn it, it was just given to you. These things usually end up in a drawer somewhere, maybe you pick them up again when you are bored and say "that was a fun night, I wonder if they are still handing out these things?" but you don't tell people about it, nothing to be proud of. ~ Brittany Williams

And everyone hooted! It was standard practice to hoot. Indicators were and occasional added extra. ~ Braam Malherbe

I suppose you'll not let me rest until I admit that I like your company?"
"You're getting to know me well ... "
"Very well, I'll admit. You're slightly more than tolerable. ~ Jody Hedlund

Was it a camp?" Daniel asked.
Sean nodded. "A naturist camp."
"Maya will feel right at home", Corey said from his spot on a wooden lawn chair.
Daniel sputtered a laugh and Sean tried to hide his.
"Naturist, not naturalist," I said. "It means nudist."
Corey leaped up and spun. "You mean old, naked butts sat on those chairs? ~ Kelley Armstrong

Do Dragons eat Mexican?" Hank wondered out loud.
"Dude, they eat people. Mexican is a vast improvement over people. ~ Robyn Peterman

He couldn't be serious and stern with a man who had ducklings in his hair, or who talked to baby birds like they were guests at a tea party, or who seemed to dearly want Phillip to smile. ~ Cat Sebastian

My father quoted Shakespeare to me often and when I lay a book down with splayed pages he told me better to be cruel to animals, children even, but never so cruelly treat a book. ~ Christine Wade

I fared excellent on the zombie apocalypse assessment; however, I did not do so well on the surviving without your love questionnaire. ~ Amanda Mosher

You are sad," the Knight said in an anxious tone: "let me sing you a song to comfort you."

"Is it very long?" Alice asked, for she had heard a good deal of poetry that day.

"It's long," said the Knight, "but it's very, very beautiful. Everybody that hears me sing it - - either it brings the tears into their eyes, or else - - "

"Or else what?" said Alice, for the Knight had made a sudden pause.

"Or else it doesn't, you know. The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes.'"

"Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to feel interested.

"No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is 'The Aged Aged Man.'"

"Then I ought to have said 'That's what the song is called'?" Alice corrected herself.

"No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is called 'Ways And Means': but that's only what it's called, you know!"

"Well, what is the song, then? " said Alice, who was by this time completely bewildered.

"I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is 'A-sitting On A Gate': and the tune's my own invention. ~ Lewis Carroll

Questioning my questioning will only lead you with more questions. ~ BlackStar103

No, I know all the war rhetoric, but it's all aimed at achieving peace. ~ George W. Bush

A nuclear reactor is a proposed "solution" to "the energy problem." But like all big-technological "solutions," this one "solves" a single problem by causing many ...
A garden, on the other hand, is a solution that leads to other solutions. It is a part of the limitless pattern of good health and good sense. ~ Wendell Berry

I started out of course with Hemingway when I learned how to write. Until I realized Hemingway doesn't have a sense of humor. He never has anything funny in his stories. ~ Elmore Leonard

There can be funny moments during sad stories ~ Ammon Shea

I have seen many cases like N. during the five years I've been in practice. I sometimes picture these unfortunates as men and women being pecked to death by predatory birds. The birds are invisible - at least until a psychiatrist who is good, or lucky, or both, sprays them with his version of Luminol and shines the right light on them - but they are nevertheless very real. The wonder is that so many OCDs manage to live productive lives, just the same. They work, they eat (often not enough or too much, it's true), they go to movies, they make love to their girlfriends and boyfriends, their wives and husbands ... and all the time those birds are there, clinging to them and pecking away little bits of flesh. ~ Stephen King

It is a foible of our human nature that when we have an extremely unpleasant experience, it gives us a peculiar satisfaction if it is "the biggest" of its disagreeable kind that has happened since the world began. During a heat wave, for instance, we are very pleased if the papers announce that it is "the highest temperature reached since the year 1881," and we feel a little resentment towards the year 1881 for having gone us one better. Or if our ears are frozen till all the skin peels off, it fills us with a certain happiness to learn that "it was the hardest frost recorded since 1786." It is just the same with wars. The war in progress is either the most righteous or the bloodiest, or the most successful, or the longest, since such and such a time; any superlative whatever always affords us the proud satisfaction of having been through something extraordinary and record-breaking. ~ Karel Capek

Toke a lid, smoke a lid, pop the mescalino! ...Hop a hill! Pop a pill! For old Tim Benzedrino! ~ The Harvard Lampoon

Probably the most important single element that I found in my own marriage was a sense of humor. My wife had a delicious sense of humor, and I think I have an adequate one. ~ Walter Cronkite

You kidding? So many preservatives in these things, I'll live forever. ~ Rick Riordan

Propel, propel, propel your craft softly down liquid solution. Ecstatically, ecstatically, ecstatically, ecstatically, Existence is simply illusion. ~ Fred Rogers

I don't have a crush on her! Yet!"
"Say no more, Dylan-whatever your middle name is-Blair!"
"David."
"Whatever. By the power and duty of big brother, I command you to not have a crush on my sister, until I know you better enough!"
"That's actually quite fair." "But I don't have a crush on her! ~ Rea Lidde

Oh, Lord. Now he was not only an impoverished orphan, but an impoverished, unloved orphan with a passion for books. Her every feminine impulse jumped to attention. ~ Tessa Dare

No wonder these people don't believe in evolution. It obviously hasn't worked in their favor. ~ Jeri Smith-Ready

Bruce Wayne's parents get killed and he goes to Tibet or whatever, and Superman is an alien, and Spiderman had that radioactive spider. Me? I kissed a janitor in the school bathroom. ~ Rachel Hawkins

Good God, but life could be less than easy, not that he was unaware that it could certainly be a lot worse, but to go about in such a state, pulse high, face red, worried sick that someone would notice how nervous one was, was certainly less than ideal, and he felt sure that his body was secreting all kinds of harmful chemicals and that the more he worried about the harmful chemicals the faster they were pouring out of wherever it was they came from. ~ George Saunders

Since you refused the good grace to die on delivery, Rathain has got a living prince. ~ Janny Wurts

The spell ... curled around ... like smoke before settling in.
Sophie: "Okay, do you guys feel protected?"
Archer: "Yes. Also a little violated, but that's neither here nor there. ~ Rachel Hawkins

I didn't say Tvlakv isn't a bastard. He's just a likable bastard." He hesitated, then grimaced. "Those are the worst kind. When you kill them, you end up feeling guilty for it. ~ Brandon Sanderson

All drugs of any interest to any moderately intelligent person in America are now illegal. ~ Thomas Szasz

It was too early in the morning for this fuckery. ~ Goldy Moldavsky

Humor is a petal on the flower of hope, and hope blossoms on the vine of faith. They have faith in each other and faith that life has meaning, and from this faith comes their indefatigable good humor, which is their greatest gift to each other - and to me. ~ Dean Koontz

My type of humor is me not caring whether people know what I'm talking about or not. ~ John Hodgman

It was getting late, but sleep was the furthest thing from my racing mind. Apparently that was not the case for Mr. Sugar Buns. He lay back, closed his eyes, and threw an arm over his forehead, his favorite sleeping position.

I could hardly have that. So, I crawled on top of him and started chest compressions. It seemed like the right thing to do.

"What are you doing?" he asked without removing his arm.

"Giving you CPR." I pressed into his chest, trying not to lose count. Wearing a red-and-black football jersey and boxers that read, DRIVERS WANTED. SEE INSIDE FOR DETAILS, I'd straddled him and now worked furiously to save his life, my focus like that of a seasoned trauma nurse. Or a seasoned pot roast. It was hard to say.

"I'm not sure I'm in the market," he said, his voice smooth and filled with a humor I found appalling. He clearly didn't appreciate my dedication.

"Damn it, man! I'm trying to save your life! Don't interrupt."

A sensuous grin slid across his face. He tucked his arms behind his head while I worked. I finished my count, leaned down, put my lips on his, and blew. He laughed softly, the sound rumbling from his chest, deep and sexy, as he took my breath into his lungs. That part down, I went back to counting chest compressions.

"Don't you die on me!"

And praying.

After another round, he asked, "Am I going to make it?"

"It's touch-and-go. I'm going to have ~ Darynda Jones

And where were you when my mate was
shooting ferals with a damn sniper rifle?" he demanded, exhaustion adding a bite to his words.
Ryuu gave him a flat look. "Holding her ammunition. ~ Alanea Alder

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, "Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday." ~ Steven Wright

Virtue should always be colmingled with humor. ~ Patrick O'Brian

They certainly won't think she's been taken over by the devil. If anything, they're suspicious that the devil's taken a day off. ~ David Levithan

'We're not ... we haven't been writing poetry and sprinkling rose petals and tripping hand in hand under rainbows, Kay.'
'Just because you have Y chromosomes doesn't mean you can't tell each other how you feel, Dylan. Your penises won't fall off if you do.' ~ Kim Fielding

We must cultivate our own garden. When man was put in the garden of Eden he was put there so that he should work, which proves that man was not born to rest. ~ Voltaire

How did you get to know people so well?" Teft asked.
"It involves a lot of cutting them apart," Kaladin said. ~ Brandon Sanderson

THE FINAL TOUCH
Portrait of nobody in particular
Idiots are really
one hundred per cent
when they are also
intelligent. ~ Piet Hein

You play because you have a guilty attraction to supernatural beasts and harlequin love stories, but you harbour the secret presumption that you could write them way better yourself. Good. This is your opportunity to prove it. ~ Avery Alder

Haha, I can't hit you. If I did, I'd feel sorry for the person who'd have to clean up the mess of your splattered brain. ~ Kyousuke Motomi