Funny Oxymoron Quotes

A bachelor's life is no life for a single man. ~ Samuel Goldwyn

The budget was unlimited, but I exceeded it. ~ Donald Trump

I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead ~ Samuel Goldwyn

Tell them to stand closer apart. ~ Samuel Goldwyn

Give me a smart idiot over a stupid genius any day. ~ Samuel Goldwyn

I listen like mad to any conversation taking place next to me just trying to hear why this is funny. Women's restrooms are especially great. I wash my hands twice waiting for people to come in and start talking. ~ Lynda Barry

Why don't they allow professional wrestling at the Olympics? They allow pro basketball players and hockey players. Olympic pro wrestling would be awesome. The team from Mexico could wear those Mr. X masks. The French wrestler could hit his opponent with a baguette. Or perhaps just surrender. ~ Craig Ferguson

The man may be the head of the household. But the woman is the neck, and she can turn the head whichever way she pleases. ~ Nia Vardalos

I know nothing of magick," the naked man said to the raven, "except what you told me." He laughed sadly. "And I barely remember that. I tend to drift off when you ramble. ~ Ash Gray

Are you ever going to kiss me without swearing first? ~ Christine Feehan

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. ~ Helen Hayes

I'd rather have huge success and huge failures than travel in the middle of the road. ~ Kevyn Aucoin

I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par. ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

but was this funny? was this funny? was this funny? why was this funny? why was Sugar Kane funny? why were men dressed as women funny? why were men made up as women funny? why were men staggering in high heels funny? why was Sugar Kane funny, was Sugar Kane the supreme female impersonator? was this funny? why was this funny? why is female funny? why were people going to laugh at Sugar Kane & fall in love with Sugar Kane? why, another time? why would Sugar Kane Kovalchick girl ukulelist be such a box office success in America? why dazzling-blond girl ukulelist alcoholic Sugar Kane Kovalchick a success? why Some Like It Hot a masterpiece? why Monroe's masterpiece? why Monroe's most commercial movie? why did they love her? why when her life was in shreds like clawed silk? why when her life was in pieces like smashed glass? why when her insides had bled out? why when her insides had been scooped out? why when she carried poison in her womb? why when her head was ringing with pain? her mouth stinging with red ants? why when everybody on the set of the film hated her? resented her? feared her? why when she was drowning before their eyes? I wanna be loved by you boop boopie do! why was Sugar Kane Kovalchick of Sweet Sue's Society Syncopaters so seductive? I wanna be kissed by nobody else but you I wanna! I wanna! I wanna be loved by you alone but why? why was Marilyn so funny? why did the world adore Marilyn? who despised herself? was that why? why did the world love Marilyn? wh ~ Joyce Carol Oates

Sound ... if you look at bats you know that navigate with sonar, they're like you know they're very precise. They can even see a bat head towards a building and swerve away, but you'll see a bird that doesn't ... you know smash right into a glass window. It's very funny. ~ DJ Spooky

But the tour did remind me that my life had been bigger than just that one moment. One girl. One set of words on paper. That I had gone through other things before-good and terrible, funny and awful-and I had survived. ~ Kimberly McCreight

There is a strength of conviction that can only come from being 100% wrong. ~ Stephen Schneider

It's a funny thing coming home. Nothing changes. Everything looks the same, feels the same, even smells the same. You realize what's changed, is you. ~ Eric Roth

The look in his eyes turned a little wild. "That's the only reason I'm letting you go. If I had any choice
"
"You do," she said "Wed can all sit here and let him die. Or you can let Eve go on her wild-ass rescue mission and get herself killed. Or you can let sweet, calm, reasonable Claire go do some talking."
He shook his head. His long, elegant hands, which looked so at home wrapped around a guitar, closed into fists. "Guess that means there's no choice."
"Not really," Claire agreed. "I was kind of lying about that choice thing. ~ Rachel Caine

Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here. ~ Dan Quayle

I was about half in love with her by the time we sat down. That's the thing about girls. Every time they do something pretty ... you fall half in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are. ~ J.D. Salinger

I know what dissipate means, Arty. I'm not three, for heaven's sake. ~ Eoin Colfer

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. ~ Milton Berle

Sometimes, when I can't get to sleep, I imagine all the rules I'd invent if I ever got to be in charge of the world. ~ Sophie Kinsella

I guess relationships are just funny like that. It's impossible to figure out why some work out and others don't. Why someone can be so imperfect and still be the perfect person for you. Maybe, in the end, it's not about changing the person you care about. Maybe it's about learning what you can live with. Or maybe it's really about learning what you can't live without. ~ Jenny O'Connell

I was attracted to people who were funny because I wanted to be in that world. ~ Anne Beatts

Sites like Funny or Die and College Humor are great, but I'd say it's appealing to 80% men and 20% women. ~ Zooey Deschanel

Life is a gamble, at terrible odds. If it were a bet you wouldn't take it. ~ Tom Stoppard

Which sort of shows why my body is an idiot, because forced narcolepsy is pretty much the worst defense ever. ~ Jenny Lawson

Here's the thing. I met this girl, this beautiful woman who's unlike anyone I've ever met. She's funny, and brave ~ Denise Grover Swank

One cold wintry day in London, I was dreaming about salad nicoise - one of my favorites. ~ Gwyneth Paltrow

You're not always right. You're often wrong. But at least you're looking at it as objectively as you can with as much experience as you can in the moment and saying, "Yeah, I think it's funny" or "No, I don't think it's funny yet." ~ Victor Levin

Sometimes I wish I had an easy answer for why I'm depressed. ~ Ned Vizzini

Whoa, son," said Atticus. "Nobody's about to make you go anywhere but to bed pretty soon. I'm just going over to tell Miss Rachel you're here and ask her if you could spend the night with us - you'd like that, wouldn't you? And for goodness' sake put some of the county back where it belongs, the soil erosion's bad enough as it is." Dill stared at my father's retreating figure. "He's tryin' to be funny," I said. "He means take a bath. See there, I told you he wouldn't bother you. ~ Harper Lee

If the Super Bowl is really the ultimate game, why do they play it again next year? ~ Duane Thomas

What I don't get is how this helps me. You two get superpowers, and I get what?"Cian smiled broadly. "You have a power, Meggie. You have a magical pussy. It was sleeping with you together that brought us into our power. That vagina of yours is pure gold, lover." Meg gave Cian a playful shove and rolled her eyes while he and his brother had a good laugh."Don't go expecting to use it on anyone else," Beck said as though the thought had suddenly occurred to him. "That only works on the two of us."Meg walked up to him and gave him a saucy smile. "Yes, Beck, I was planning on opening up shop. I was going to hang a sign on the cottage door and charge for it. ~ Sophie Oak

Houston has its largest crowd of the night here this evening. ~ Jerry Coleman

What do you think?" I asked, a teasing smile curving my lips. "Did we know each other in another life?"
He gave a faint smile. "I can guarantee it."
I looked up at him, surprised by his seriousness. "Oh really?" I said, cocking an eyebrow coyly, "So what was I like, oh-expert-on-my-past-life?"
A smile touched his lips. As he thought, he seemed to be in another place.
When he came out of his trance, he answered, "Similar to how you are now. Smart,funny, stunningly beautiful ... and you were a horrible pool player then too." He laughed as I punched him in the shoulder.
"Very funny," I said.
"Your punches used to hurt less though. ~ Angela Corbett

Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one. ~ Andy Borowitz

Well, I'm already hoping there could be a dinner where you don't try to stab me with your fork," he said.
"You might need to make your peace with disappointment. ~ Rosamund Hodge

I am ewe to your ram. How can I call myself a man anymore?"
"The penis is a dead giveaway. ~ Jill Knowles

A friendship counting nearly forty years is the finest kind of shade-tree I know. ~ James Russell Lowell

You have to know where the funny is, and if you know where the funny is, you know everything. ~ Sheila Heti

Funny ... I still can't believe in God." "Does that matter now?" ... "He believes in you. ~ A.J. Cronin

Everyone should get to clobber a princess at least once, Jason said. ~ Brandon Mull

Correct thinkers think that 'baseball trivia' is an oxymoron: nothing about baseball is trivial. ~ George Will

I come more to Scotland than I ever used to, so I feel more connected to it, more part of the zeitgeist. You know when you realize you have a choice and I'm choosing my homeland. It's funny: when you get older these things creep up to you. ~ Alan Cumming