Motherhood Humor Quotes

Having a kid is like an industrial revolution of the emotions. Suddenly you can mass produce worry, and guilt. ~ S.K. Tremayne

In case you haven't heard, let me tell you now, babies do not come out knowing how to breastfeed. ~ Cassi Clark

If we wear our nursing covers backwards like capes, then everyone can see we're breastfeeding superheroes. ~ Cassi Clark

Heaven is the feeling of hand warmers on sore nipples. ~ Cassi Clark

I think I would scream too if someone violently jammed a big ass breast in my mouth. ~ Cassi Clark

The physical relief of having fully drained boobs cannot be overstated. ~ Cassi Clark

Though breastfeeding is supposed to the most natural thing ever, it seems like a rich-people sport for all the stuff we buy to help. ~ Cassi Clark

Ellen sighs and looks over at Leo. "I did that, didn't I? No goddamn manners. Like a couple of little opossums. This is why they say women can't have it all. ~ Casey McQuiston

EARLY ONE DARK April morning a few years ago I was sitting in my living room in central Copenhagen, wrapped in a blanket and yearning for spring, when I opened that day's newspaper to discover that my adopted countrymen had been anointed the happiest of their species in something called the Satisfaction with Life Index, compiled by the Department of Psychology at the University of Leicester.

I checked the date on the newspaper: it wasn't 1 April. ~ Michael Booth

I resent you - " Robespierre said. His words were lost. "The People," he shouted, "are everywhere good, and if they obstruct the Revolution - even, for example, at Toulon - we must blame their leaders."
"What are you going on about this for?" Danton asked him.
Fabre launched himself from the wall. "He is trying to enunciate a doctrine," he shrieked. "He thinks the time has come for a bloody sermon."
"If only," Robespierre yelled, "there were more vertu."
"More what?"
"Vertu. Love of one's country. Self-sacrifice. Civic spirit."
"One appreciates your sense of humor, of course." Danton jerked his thumb in the direction of the noise. "The only vertu those bastards understand is the kind I demonstrate every night to my wife. ~ Hilary Mantel

Because he's three thousand times the human being you'll ever be,' said Alec. 'Now get out of here before I risk his life by waking him up so he can turn you into a garbage fire. Something that would match your personality.'
'Oh!', said Zara. 'So rude! ~ Cassandra Clare

Good morning, baby. You know that the government has a responsibility for their own actions. ~ Zechariah Barrett

Artemis said, "I don't like lollipops." It was a woefully inadequate response, and Artemis was instantly appalled with himself. Pathetic really. I don't like lollipops. No self respecting criminal mastermind would be caught dead using the word lollipops. He really would have to put together a database of witty responses for occasions such a this. ~ Eoin Colfer

When once married people begin to attack me with, 'Oh! you will think very differently, when you are married,' I can only say, 'No I shall not'; and then they say again, 'Yes you will,' and there is an end to it. ~ Jane Austen

I'm sick and tired of our generation being called the TV generation. What do you expect? We watched Lee Harvey Oswald get his brains blown out all over. How could we change the channel after that? ~ Denis Leary

It was like finding a long-lost brother who farts in the same key. ~ Dale McGowan

I've created a monster, haven't I?" said Merlin, staring at the animated figure incredulously.
"I think that, technically, I was already a monster," the dragon replied. "Now I am a monster with social networking skills. Or I would be, if I had a Twitter account. And possibly a Facebook. Do I want a Facebook? Is it a book of faces? Is it the same as MySpace? Which of course begs the question: what is MySpace? ~ FayJay

Normal people can become very annoying if put in annoying situations. ~ Jessica Park

You can't eat a winner's plaque. ~ Miles Davis

Conner looking at the text he sent Jeff the night before:

8:42pm..Reed:Need you to go to Denver w me.
8:46pm..Jeff: in meeting. give me 1 hr.
8:53pm..Reed: no can do. want wife back. going now. think i cn talk her into it wth sperm.

Hell.Please don't let him have called her.

8:53pm..Jeff: R U drinking?
8:55pm..Reed: have wht she wants. solllid plan. better than hers.
8:56pm..Jeff: leaving now. wait 4 me.
9:02pm..Reed: don't worry botu it.
9:02pm..Jeff: WAIT 4 ME.
9:04pm..Jeff: PICKUP YOU PHONE
9:57pm..Jeff: you should stop for drink @ that bar in terminal with the big olives b4 flight.
10:22pm..Reed: hey, UR at the bar. you look pissed. ~ Mira Lyn Kelly

I like to wear a "Do Not Disturb" sign around my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock-knock jokes. "Hey, how ya doin'? Knock-knock." "Read the sign, punk!" ~ Mitch Hedberg

One, two, three / Buckle my shoe. ~ Robert Benchley

Anya jumped in front of the man, acting as his shield. Now, Sabin. He didn't mean any harm. He's borderline stupid. You know that. ~ Gena Showalter

I never ask my wife about my flaws. Instead I try to get her to ignore them and concentrate on my sense of humor. You don't want any woman to look under the carpet, guys, because there's lots of flaws underneath. Joanne believes my character in a film we did together, 'Mr. and Mrs. Bridge' comes closest to who I really am. I personally don't think there's one character who comes close ... but I learned a long time ago not to disagree on things that I don't have a solid opinion about. ~ Paul Newman

A project goal like a joke. If you have to explain it, it is not good / fun. ~ Gerry Geek

Wealth and intelligence should not be categorized as relatives. ~ K.R. Royal

Sometimes, Chelsea, I wonder, how you get by from day to day. It's a good thing you're so voluptuous. ~ Chelsea Handler

Max was looking scrambled and nauseous and Will was practically holding Max up as they walked. "Dude, I get why they call it the green thing now, it's the color of your face," Trent said as he too, helped Max to sit down.
Max shrugged "Go on the roller coaster they tell me. It'll be fun they tell me. ~ Amanda Kelly

Also, I am not sure what you are teaching in your classroom, but Seb came home the other week talking about a healthy eating pyramid. I had to explain to him that pyramids are made of stone and therefore not edible, so I would appreciate your not filling his head with these fanciful notions. ~ David Thorne

Get a in clothes dryer with Magic Johnson and some razorblades. ~ Jim Norton

I love Carlos like the weird, half-dead son I never particularly wanted ~ Daniel Jose Older

You know Death will get you in the end, but if you are smart and have a sense of humor, you can thumb your nose at it for awhile ~ Jimmy Buffett

Huffing from her exertion, her face flushed and her expression happy, she looked toward the door - and went still.
Dare pushed past Trace and went to the wall unit to turn down the music.
Into the silence, Chris asked, "Everyone having fun?"
"God, Chris," Dare said. "Trace is going to kill you if you don't shut up."
"Really?" Priss struck a pose of annoyance, one hip cocked out, her arms crossed, her chin elevated. "And here Molly and Chris assured Matt that you weren't the type to cause bodily harm."
"They must have been jesting." Trace was well used to Chris's warped sense of humor, so Chris wasn't in any danger. But Matt . . . Trace zeroed in on him. In a tone more lethal for the quietness of it, he asked, "What are you doing?"
"Harmless dancing?" Matt replied in a nervous question, unsure of the right answer.
Priss suddenly stepped in front of Matt, which left Matt bemused. "Don't act snarky with him, Trace. I asked him to dance with me. We had some time to kill before this crud comes out of my hair. And you were nowhere to be found."
Matt pulled her aside, earning a glare from Trace. He quickly held up his hands, palms out, to prove he wasn't touching her. "Speaking of time, we can go wash your hair right now, if everyone will just excuse us."
"I need a minute with Priss first." Trace eyed her militant stance, and had to fight a smile. She had a backbone of steel. He liked that. "Alone. ~ Lori Foster

Don't get old; there is no future in it. ~ C.L. Gammon

When life gives you best friends, use them. ~ Areej Farooq

He cleared his throat, very carefully, to bring the stillness to a more bearable level without breaking the unwritten rule that governs both churches and freshly fallen blankets of snow. ~ Anna Mattaar

Yeah, Quirrell was a great teacher. There was just that minor drawback of him having Lord Voldemort sticking out of the back of his head! ~ J.K. Rowling

Irony is the sense of humor of fate.

From "Just Go" by Twila Vernon ~ Twila Vernon

If I did not wear torn pants, orthopedic shoes, frantic disheveled hair, that is to say, if I did not tone down my beauty, people would go mad. Married men would run amuck. ~ Brenda Ueland

You cannot take away freedom to protect it, you cannot destroy the free market to save it, and you cannot uphold freedom of speech by silencing those with whom you disagree. To take rights away to defend them or to spend your way out of debt defies common sense. ~ Glenn Beck

In Ruth's view, they looked 'like a couple' because they seemed to possess some terrible secret between them - they appeared stricken with remorse when they saw her. Only a novelist could ever imagine such nonsense. (In part, it was because of her perverse ability to imagine anything that in this instance Ruth failed to imagine the obvious) ~ John Irving

A nose is ordinarily naked. A nose isn't
nipple, although there are similarities. ~ Graham Spaid

I think you really have to tap into your sense of humor in order to survive. ~ Taylor Swift

My sense of humor was a tool for me getting past my mother and father separating, my older brother having cerebral palsy, and the bullies in the schoolyard. I had to make them laugh to keep them off my ass. I brought that to my professional career. ~ Tracy Morgan

A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your steps as you walk the tightrope of life. ~ William Arthur Ward