Brian Spellman Quotes

The glass is completely full...of shit.

Every swamp has a silted lining.

My psychiatrist diagnosed me a Hypochondriac. I said, "Okay, can you prescribe me a placebo?"

"Not for Type-2 Hypochondriacs," he said. Your types would just fake faking. Then we'd have a real problem.

Talking to yourself is okay. Answering back is risky.

A good night's sleep counts healthy sheep.

Build the prisons and they will commit the crimes.

I finally decided what I want to be when I grow up - late.

On the plus side, life doesn't add up.

Psychosis is person less persona, raving sincerity.

Billions of years before twelve step groups, God committed shotgun suicide. Today wall scrapings share His gratitude stories.

If you see me standing on my head, I'm trying to cheer you up with my frown. I need my honesty, you my pleasantry.

Okay, you won our shitty little argument. Pass the world.

Honesty is the best insurance policy.

Our atheist thoughts go out to his family following their loss.

Just remember, you've got to take yourself with you. I prefer get over got.

I've been coerced into free will.

Kindness knows no kind.

Don't stay in this now. You'll fall behind.

I learned to smile, avoiding happiness advice.

The pill for Insurance Deficit Disorder - aspirin.

It's not how I take tragic news but how I make tragic views that unscrews me.

When the only rule is there are no rules becomes literal, we'll all become illiterate and unable to offend one another at all.

I overreacted to praise, signing an autograph. I'd write a check to buy it back.

The first casualty of war is casual wear.

I can't prove it yet know it when I seem it.

You know what they say. They?

The brain is unreliable. It relies on lies.

Dad got furious when we lied to him. No, Dad got furious then we lied to him.

My life is so bad that it's worse than it really is.

It's a free country." Inmates once bought this. That's why they're inmates.

The jury returned with a verdict of "Don't ask me, I wasn't there," and was excused.

Too many crooks spoil the Roth.

If you sense so badly that you also sense a need to make me sense that, then I sense sadly that you cannot make better sense ... sadder still if you cannot sense my sincerity.

It's no longer time to take sides for or against race, rather sides against those who still do.

My body has never been to Europe. My mind has never left it.

There is a meaning of life but I've been sworn to secrecy.

The shot glass is half drunk.

People always switched on turn me off.

I can't answer you in a nutshell. We wouldn't fit unless we saw the same shrink.

Objects in the mirror are closer than they appear so don't look and they'll stay farther away than you expect they would.

A bind is when you're quadriplegic, suicidal about that and unable to persuade your best friend to murder you.

All of my cartoons are better than each other.

If you only go around once in life, then why has that one gone around more than once?

Science seeks the right answer, humor the right wrong answer.

All surgery and no makeup make Jack a dull girl.

Swallowed my pride and shit lions.

If you want to commit suicide why tell anyone? They'd ruin everything.

Nostalgia was never what it used to be.

I hate feeling hate but feeling nothing feels worse.

I forgot what I was going to think.

90% of life is showing up. I'm staying home to wait for the other 10%.

All porn stars on Animal Farm are equal but some porn scenes are more unequal than others.

Babies are never suicidal. Hard lives, not hard boiled eggs do that.

Always go with your first impetuosity.

Fear of curiosity kills the cat ... slowly.

Honest I'm a liar. Believe me?

Most leave to be on time, thus always late.

The late bird gets the fish that got the worm.

Months after my wrists ripping, a talk therapist referred to the act as self-hatred. Until then nobody had said this to me. Did everyone presume that I already knew so? People say it all the time. It's safer to draw this conclusion. Throw in cowardice and you have an insulated public. I was not enraged at all. I was panic stricken. How could I hate myself for wanting to stop such physical sickness and terror? Mine was an act of caretaking, compassion, love. You cannot share this insight with therapists because they think such encourages recurrence. Have you ever stopped diarrhea with a prayer? If you have to go, you go. If you have to die, you die.

I couldn't stop so I quit.

Feed a squirrel and he'll leave you alone every day.

Mom lied. The crust is the shittiest part.

Fifty percent of life is ninety percent indecisive. The rest is confusing.

If life was fair ... one third of the people would comprise of judges and lawyers ... one third of police and prison officials ... and one third of legislators ... and one third more to make the other three thirds make any sense at all .... Thank goodness for no fair.

With good morality first candidates you'll get bad candor, bad ethics, bad loyalty and bad morality - lastly bad odor will surface to save the day if you maintain good optimism like I do.

Of course I had to talk to myself. I had no prayer God. I had no prayer doG. Why not reverse bark and froth and recite verse?

Ultimate meaning is meaningless. Meaning meaning means everything else.

Allow me to contradict my clarifications and in no time we'll get to the bottom of nothing.

There's an ad for every vice. That's advice.

Life imitates art and art imitates life until both imitate imitation - Reality TV.

He who laughs last laughs ... doesn't get it.

I love objectivity when mine.

The zoo lost its elephant again. It never forgets where to go. I found it in the middle of my room.

A broken shoelace can strangle me.

They safely cured the world of sadness, wiser the Pfizer for it?

If at first you don't concede, try, try a gun.

We contradict all for which we stand for we all stand for the lie the whole lie and nothing but the lie so help save our lying asses.

I think I think too much too.

Wait now or wait, wait later.