Sarcasm Humor Quotes

No. No way. That name is reserved for females with grace and elegance, not this girl. This girl is ... beastly. ~ Victoria Scott

Civilization is held together by duct tape and spit, and I'm worried about the duct tape. ~ Jacqueline Patricks

Your hand lingered on my butt to make sure I understood, right?"
"I did everything slow, so even someone with limited perceptive abilities could follow what I was doing. ~ Martyn V. Halm

Without question, his picture did not do him justice, but again, he was dead when it was taken ~ Loren D. Estleman

My condolences, you're still alive. ~ Fakeer Ishavardas

It's sarcasm, Josh."

"Sarcasm?"

"It's from the Greek, sarkasmos. To bite the lips. It means that you aren't really saying what you mean, but people will get your point. I invented it, Bartholomew named it."

"Well, if the village idiot named it, I'm sure it's a good thing."

"There you go, you got it."

"Got what?"

"Sarcasm."

"No, I meant it."

"Sure you did."

"Is that sarcasm?"

"Irony, I think."

"What's the difference?"

"I haven't the slightest idea."

"So you're being ironic now, right?"

"No, I really don't know."

"Maybe you should ask the idiot."

"Now you've got it."

"What?"

"Sarcasm. ~ Christopher Moore

Arch turned and looked at Ian. The other man was fiddling with the neckline of his shirt. "You're just jealous, Ian, and wishing you had a soul mate of your own. In fact, I don't think any woman will be safe until you get one." Ian shot him an unamused look at his words. ~ Rose Wynters

The only thing that's fair about me is the colour of my hair. People should remember that. ~ James McClure

Son-- "We don't need ladders, we have obsidian, bro."

Mommy's thoughts-- "...............................
.......fucking minecraft ~ Mel Brown

You have been a poor observer of life if you have not also seen the hand
that, ever so gently – kills. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

You know, most boys enjoy being trapped in close quarters with a girl. ~ Veronica Roth

It's okay to like jerks. I mean, it'd be better to like a nice guy, but there aren't any. ~ Daniel Handler

Give a hippie too much money and anything can happen. ~ Neil Young

It is time to buddle (scrub in water) all that is not illutile (unwash-awayable). Baudelaire said that humans were deluded if they thought they could wash away all their spots with vile tears, but Baudelaire was French and therefore knew nothing about hygiene or shower gel. ~ Mark Forsyth

How touching. I think I'm gonna throw up. ~ Joss Stirling

Am I the only one who recalls that Seth Turner used to think trees give off cold air because when you stand in the shade it's cooler than in the sun? ~ Meg Cabot

The house is on fire, but go ahead - finish painting the verandah ... ~ John Geddes

That didn't last long, of course. "Oh Bartimaeus, could you just irrigate the Fertile Cresent?""Could you just divert the Euphrates HERE and HERE?""Look, while you're at it, do you mind just planting a few million wheat seeds up and down the flood plain? Thanks." Didn't even give me a dibble. By the time I got to Ur I wasn't surging with any of that terrible joy, oh no. My back was KILLING me. ~ Jonathan Stroud

I almost short her once or twice, but the excitement ends there. ~ Becca Fitzpatrick

What exactly constitutes an emergency in a modelling agency? Two girls fighting to death with a hair straightener? ~ Kate Forster

Well, because you mysteriously came all this way and obviously are not the man I thought you were, why the heck not. So, Phet, if that's even your real name, tell
me, how do I defeat Lokesh?"
"It's simple. Do to him what I did to you."
"What? Talk to him in broken English? ~ Colleen Houck

- Why did blondes vote for Clinton?
- They didn't know how to read and thought she can make their life hilarious! ~ Bryanna Reid

Well, I think Leo's either going to learn a much needed lesson in social activity-- or go nuts and kill us all." -Crash ~ Hazel Blackthorn

Why a woman turns fifty and certain people to whom she gave birth start thinking she should be wearing orthopedic shoes is completely beyond me. ~ Kelly Hunter

Thorn grunted and the metal control fell from his spasming fingers. It bounced across the dusty concrete and I stomped down as hard as I could. I felt more than heard the metallic crunch under my boot. Another irreplaceable artifact ruined, courtesy of Julia Reed. ~ Erica Lindquist

You are soft person you said. But you're soft as shit: it is very soft but stinking! ~ Ilze Falb

He sure told you off, huh, Icy?" ~Darcy ~ VIZ Media

This has to be one of the strangest standoffs in history. 'No, please, you air your grievances first.' 'No, no, I couldn't possibly. ~ Katee Robert

Love is a fairytale blah, blah, blah. ~ Jessica Fortunato

sarcasm is the ability to insult an idiot without realizing it ~ Jhon Green

Nicholas is gay, isn't he," she says, her voice dripping with dejection.
I shrug, again remembering his proposition from last night. "Not necessarily. The jury's still out. There's hope for a Christmas wedding yet," I tell her. ~ L. H. Cosway

Never in my life had I wished so hard for a thousand-foot-wide asteroid to change its course to hit someone directly in the face. Granted, it would have wiped out the entire country and possibly caused an impact winter on Earth in the process, but the greater good of mankind was worth some modicum of sacrifice. ~ Camilla Monk

Ok, let me just write that down for you since you seem to think I'm you personal assistant," Sally responded, her tone clipped.
"You ever noticed how assistant starts with ass? Do you think that's a coincidence?" Jen shrugged her shoulders as she raised her eyebrows at Sally. ~ Quinn Loftis

He had three
incision sites: one where the microscopic camera had gone in and
two where they'd done the actual work, and the abuse he'd taken
today went straight to her heart. "Oh, Pace."
"I'm guessing that wasn't an 'Oh, Pace, you're so sexy, take me.' ~ Jill Shalvis

Come on," Alec said, already stomping down the ramp. "Let's find us a squirrel." He swept the weapon back and forth as he walked, looking for any interlopers. "Or better yet, one of the crazies who might've strayed over here. Too bad these things have to be charged or we could get rid of this virus problem in a jiffy. Sweep these old neighborhoods nice and clean."
Mark joined him on the ground below the Berg, wary that someone might be watching from the ruined homes surrounding them or from the burnt woods beyond those. "Your value of human life brings tears to my eyes," he muttered. ~ James Dashner

I guess we'll just sit around here and casually die, then. ~ Olivia Harvard

Child-- "I can't be patient, that's not a word, so don't even say it mommy."

Mommy-- "What? ~ Mel Brown

The sarcasm made a slight whistling noise as it flew over Loafers' head. ~ Eoin Colfer

I'm Cam, a Cheesehead drug dealer. Nice to meet you.
"Ha. Nice man."
Does he know I'm joking? ~ Jessica Pennington

Ignorance is not your strong suit. You should stick with stupidity ~ William A Kolbe

I'm sure I have no idea what you are talking about PRINCESS." He tilted his head and half curtseyed when he said the last word.
"That! That is what I am talking about. Since we ran into the others you have been cold and more arrogant than usual." She kept her voice low so the others would not hear.
"Is that so? I would say I was averagely arrogant ~ B.C. Morin

I thank Lord Brahma that your preference doesn't extend to a man being loyal to same woman for many lifetimes! ~ Amish Tripathi

Double Sword Tavern." Tristan said, reading out loud. "Sounds charming and inviting. ~ B.C. Morin

How does knowing 'things could be worse' than what I already deem awful make me feel any better? You mean I could sink even lower? Oh joy! ~ Richelle E. Goodrich

The Bat Phone to the Universe, some kind of Iva-only, open-round-the-clock special channel to the divine. ~ Elizabeth Gilbert

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy. ~ Tim Vine

Good god what men can do to their brains when their cocks are hard. ~ Philippa Gregory

I was doing stand-up at a restaurant and there was a chalkboard on the street out front. It said, Soup of the Day: Cream of Asparagus. Ellen DeGeneres. ~ Ellen DeGeneres

Mathematicians finally developed a financial model to accurately compare apples and oranges. Any two kinds of fruit can be compared, although guavas still cause minor rounding errors. ~ Graham Parke

Be afraid of nothing but be aware of everything. ~ Rajan Shrestha

I'm fine," Kate said. "In fact, since my last two dates were so awful, things can only get better."
"Bad deduction," Jessie said. "If that were true, I'd be dating Harrison Ford by now. ~ Jennifer Crusie

If you count sheep before you go to sleep, are you barrrrr'd from dreams? ~ Benny Bellamacina

The Czechs are downright crazy about mushrooms! In late summer and autumn, a foreigner might even get the impression that the number of sponge-hunting Czechs roaming about in the forests with a punnet largely exceeds the possible number of mushrooms. ~ Terje B. Englund

I endeavor to be serious and you will not take me seriously ~ Sherwood Smith

I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a ... small child. ~ Emo Philips

Adam was but human - this explains it all. He did not want the apple for the apple's sake, he wanted it only because it was forbidden. The mistake was in not forbidding the serpent; then he would have eaten the serpent. ~ Mark Twain

Kat laughed. 'Who wants to live forever?'
Kish put his hand up. 'For the record, I do.'
Sin scowled at him. 'Then why do you irritate me so often?'
Suicidal tendencies are inherent in my species? ~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

We were restless for ages...After a while I heard an owl hooting and calmed myself by thinking of it flying over the dark fields – and then I remembered it would be pouncing on mice. I love owls, but I wish God had made them vegetarian. ~ Dodie Smith

He's so outta my league, we're not even playing the same sport ... He's professional soccer in Europe and I'm intramural badminton in the States. ~ Nicki Elson

Nick Nelson was first brandished with the moniker "the last of the nice guys" after leaving a pickup basketball game in 6th grade to help an elderly lady he didn't know, carry her groceries 17 blocks to her house. ~ Matt Micros

I'm Batman, so I could be your hero anyway! ~ Shannon Messenger

There we go," he said cheerfully, after he'd started up a fire. The two puppets, still huddled in his pockets, woke up when they felt the heat of the flames, and they scampered out of sight, squealing for dear life. Oliver laughed. "I'm not going to set you on fire. Come back here. ~ Zeinab Alayan

As a kid, I loved 'Godot' because of the poetry and the humor and the strangeness, but then as you get older, it's much more resonant. ~ Nathan Lane

Do you think the Goblin King really did it?" asked Cordelia hesitantly. All the sheep knew she was talking about George's death. Mopple quickly pulled up a tuft of grass.
"Or Satan?" added Lane.
"Nonsense," Rameses snorted nervously. "Satan would never do a thing like that."
several of the sheep bleated in agreement. None of them thought Satan capable of such an act. Satan was an elderly donkey who sometimes grazed in the meadow next to theirs, and uttered blood-curdling cries. his voice was truly dreadful, but otherwise he'd always struck them as harmless. ~ Leonie Swann

Check out that one at the end. He's taken the form of a footstool. Weird ... but somehow I like his style."
"That is a footstool. ~ Jonathan Stroud

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat. ~ Jimmy Carr

For the first time in memory, I was unable to sleep not because I was anxious but because I was excited. To live in a damp crowded asshole and sing
if these guys don't know the secret to living, I don't know who does. (The Grieving Owl, page 157) ~ David Sedaris

Yes. But ... " She stroked the smooth backs of her claws down his arms. "You'll have to spend eternity making it up to me."
He released her to lever himself above her, cupping the back of her neck. His gaze flickered over her face, then met the eyes of his wife as she smiled up at him. Feeling love for her so strong it hurt him, his voice ragged with it, he rasped, "Milaya, it is done. ~ Kresley Cole

[A]s Agatha Swanburne once said, 'To be kept waiting is unfortunate, but to be kept waiting with nothing interesting to read is a tragedy of Greek proportions. ~ Maryrose Wood

If you let your heart rule you, you'll have a good ruler by which to measure things. This can be called wisdom. ~ Art Hochberg

Dear Mrs. Black: On seven prior occasions this company has denied your claim in writing. We now deny it for the eighth and final time. You must be stupid, stupid stupid, stupid! ~ John Grisham

Being creative is good for the mind... I write because I don't want to take Prozac! ~ Flossy Abraham

You sound like a control freak." The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them.
"Oh, I exercise control in all things, Miss Steele," he says without a trace of humor in his smile. ~ E.L. James

People don't like to be lectured to, but if you can make them laugh, their defenses come down, and for the time being they've accepted whatever truth is embedded in your humor. ~ Paul Krassner

Listen, I'd rather lie naked in a plowed field under an incontinent horse for a week than have to read that paragraph again! ~ Diane Ackerman

Kelley. Your name is Kelley, isn't it?" He didn't wait for her confirmation. "Yes. Well. Tell me ... that bit just now ... was that from Dante's Inferno?"
Uh ... no," Kelley stammered. Her face felt hot.
Really?"
I'm in for it.
Are you sure?" he continued. "Because it most certainly wasn't from this play. And it bloody well sounded like hell. ~ Lesley Livingston

Do you know how much women loathe it when guys think every show of negative emotion is tied to our menstrual cycle, like we're sheep or something? ~ Laurie Halse Anderson

Devil's Food?
You can only eat so much white cake, my friend. ~ Christopher Moore

The funniest thing about some people is that they have no sense of humor. ~ Ashleigh Brilliant

Zarek slid his glance over to the demon, who was playing This Little Piggy on her bare toes. ~ Sherrilyn Kenyon