Humor Sarcasm Quotes

Is that where you took care of him? In a restroom?"
"No. I walked him out to the runway and threw him in front of a Boeing. ~ Max Allan Collins

One day I'll work out what it is you are saying, my lad, and then you'll be in trouble. ~ Terry Pratchett

Why, you mean you didn't get abducted and dragged across country purely to make us a story for us to chew over endlessly?" asked Pip, tossing his shock of tow-colored hair indignantly. "The nerve! ~ Mercedes Lackey

Well, what do you want me to do? Head butt my way through a few inches of steel?!" she snarled.
"Well, that would certainly earn you a cookie! ~ S.L.J. Shortt

Television is a dirty business. To survive in it you have to be part weasel, part python, and part wolf. To succeed in it, you have to be 99.9 percent great white shark. The capacity for barefaced lying also comes in handy, particularly if you are freelance. ~ Matt Dickinson

Darius stood and grunted as his thigh reminded him it had an arrow-shaped hole in it. ~ Andy Blinston

If you didn't have me to rake you over the coals now and then, there wouldn't be any fire in your life at all. ~ Joe Hill

Jules stood up and stretched gracelessly. "Let's hurry up and pay before she"-she indicated Claire with a flick of her thumb-"sees something shiny and we lose her again. ~ Kimberly Derting

There were so many viciously sarcastic ways to respond, Jaden's brain was temporarily paralyzed due to witty comeback overload. ~ Courtney Kirchoff

Aww, did we masturbate through the tears last night? ~ Kresley Cole

Come on, there's no one there. You want coffee?" Tess asked.
"Yeah, sure, why not? I'm only on the brink of a nervous breakdown. I don't imagine why caffeine wouldn't help this situation. ~ Frankie Rose

You could shove it up your ass and pretend you're a corn dog.
COURTESY VIOLATION-RESPONSE MUTED-VIOLATION LOGGED ~ Ernest Cline

His long wait is almost done. I am sending Balon Swann to Sunspear, to deliver him the head of Gregor Clegane." Ser Balon would have another task as well, but that part was best left unsaid.
"Ah." Ser Harys Swyft fumbled at his funny little beard with thumb and forefinger. "He is dead then? Ser Gregor?"
"I would think so, my lord," Aurane Waters said dryly. "I am told that removing the head from the body is often mortal. ~ George R R Martin

It's kind of depressing, if you think about it. I mean, me being so young, and yet so cynical and suspicious. ~ Meg Cabot

Sometimes Americans don't quite get my sense of humor. My good ol' British sarcasm seems to go over their heads. ~ Lee Westwood

Yeah, over my scattered panties, I asked him to dinner and told him to bring a friend. - Laney ~ Joann I. Martin Sowles

High School. Society's bright idea to put all their aggressive, naive youth into one environment to torment and emotionally scar each other for life. ~ Chris Colfer

Arch turned and looked at Ian. The other man was fiddling with the neckline of his shirt. "You're just jealous, Ian, and wishing you had a soul mate of your own. In fact, I don't think any woman will be safe until you get one." Ian shot him an unamused look at his words. ~ Rose Wynters

It was Nathaniel's boundless capacity for stating the obvious that made him so charmingly human. ~ Jonathan Stroud

Coming into your powers can be a very confusing time. Perhaps there is a book on the subject. If you like, we can go see Marian.
Yeah, right. Choices and Changes. A Modern Girl's Guide to Casting. My Mom Wants to Kill Me: A Self-Help Book For Teens. ~ Kami Garcia

Nobody liked my plan.
"You want us to split up?" Chase asked, his brow wrinkling in obvious bewilderment.
Lake echoed the sentiment, her voice flat. "Why would we split up? There's four of us and one of him." After a brief moment's pause, she amended her head count to better reflect the real odds. "Three and a half of us, one of him."
Three and a half, as in three werewolves, one human. I narrowed my eyes. "For your sake, Lake, I'm going to pretend that Devon is the half."
Dev, unquestionably the strongest person in the room, just shrugged and let me keep my delusions. "It's because of my petite stature," he said. All 6'4" of him. ~ Jennifer Lynn Barnes

Son-- "We don't need ladders, we have obsidian, bro."

Mommy's thoughts-- "...............................
.......fucking minecraft ~ Mel Brown

Dragons lick my boots, I don't want to bloody be he - ~ Teresa J. Crider

Forgive me, Your Grace. Are you suggesting a woman is some sort of ... piece of fruit to you? One squeeze, and you know if she's ripe? ~ Tessa Dare

I mean, I may not hold the record in cleaning house either, but if I've got old milk cartons that smell like maggots I bundle them up and put them out."
"I'm on a disability pension'" he said. "I'm socially incompetent. ~ Stieg Larsson

I'm not bipolar, I've just had a bipolar life foisted upon me. ~ Daniel O'Malley

It's okay to like jerks. I mean, it'd be better to like a nice guy, but there aren't any. ~ Daniel Handler

MacMillian groaned again, and sat up. "Clients?"
"Yeah. You know, people who'll give us money in exchange for work. ~ Laura Oliva

I - though forced through lack of space to assume the form of a stoic guinea pig crouched between the girl's shoe and the glove compartment - was my usual dignified self. ~ Jonathan Stroud

It was stealing her breath, imbecile. Go get a towel. -Christophe, Strange Angels by Lili St. Crow ~ Lilith Saintcrow

In my youth, I was always one for the dramatic entrance. Now, in keeping with my character, I gravitate more toward the subtle and refined. Okay, with the occasional feathered serpent thrown in. ~ Jonathan Stroud

You're a cat," she said automatically.
"Your powers of perception are astounding," the cat drawled. "Although I feel obliged to point out, in the interests of ontological exactitude, that I am in fact only half cat. Personally, though, I have always considered it the better half."
"And you can talk," Alice said, working her way through the situation.
"Better and better! With brains like that, I can see how you monkeys took over the world. ~ Django Wexler

Kaitlyn froze and then said in a low tone, "That'd better be your gun."
"Why yes, I always pack my gun where it'll blow my balls off."[Landon] ~ Patrice Michelle

What's it like? Ballet school?"
"Harsh," he said. "Everyone dances until they collapse. We eat only raw-egg smoothies and wheat protein. Every Friday we have a dance-off and whoever is left standing gets a chocolate bar. Also we have to watch dance movies constantly. ~ Cassandra Clare

You must have been going very fast."
"I was, until I hit the fence. ~ Anthony Horowitz

I used to be a mddle-of-the-road kid, but now with my freaky looks I'm definately an outsider. Hooray. ~ Evan Kuhlman

It is time to buddle (scrub in water) all that is not illutile (unwash-awayable). Baudelaire said that humans were deluded if they thought they could wash away all their spots with vile tears, but Baudelaire was French and therefore knew nothing about hygiene or shower gel. ~ Mark Forsyth

I'm sorry. I use my rapier wit to hide my inner pain. ~ Cassandra Clare

Do you expect to learn anything at Shiz?" he asked. "I have already learned not to speak to strangers." "Then I will introduce myself and we will be strangers no longer. I am Dillamond." "I am disinclined to know you. ~ Gregory Maguire

You were a well-respected agent, Michael, a rags-to-riches fairytale ending. Until you became disgraced. Now it appears your own organization wishes to be rid of you. Why is this?"
"My gun turned back into a pumpkin. ~ Nenia Campbell

She's my best friend, and I know she means well, but as she talks I'm mentally calculating all the ways I could silence her. I'm bigger than her ... I wonder if I could use my straw for some sort of MacGyver inspired weapon. ~ Steph Campbell

How can she create with all your negative energy?"
"Yeah, man. You're bringing us down."
"This is about as low as it gets," Ariel said. "Where did you get those ridiculous black berets?"
Moth adjusted his recently donned beatnik attire. "This is what the hip cats wear , daddy-o."
"Can you dig it?" Cobweb stroked a few wisps of fake chin hair, while the others nodded and snapped their fingers. ~ Lisa Mantchev

You can't drive them around in the getaway van.' 'How about we don't call it the getaway van? People might get suspicious.' 'So what should we call it?' 'How about the van?' 'It doesn't change what it is and that it's a shitty thing to do. Someone might see them in it. ~ Cath Crowley

Yes", she said her voice dripping with sarcasm. "That's exactly what I'm saying, in fact let's try sex again." She leaped to her feet and torn open her jeans. "Maybe my magic vagina will cure you of all the traumatic acts my family has inflected on you. ~ Larissa Ione

So even though his involvement with the goblin uprising during his fourteenth year was to be traumatic, terrifying, and dangerous; it was probably the best thing that could have happened. At least he spent some time outdoors and got to meet some new people.

It's a pity most of them were trying to kill him. ~ Eoin Colfer

Worms have crawled up your nose and eaten your wits. ~ George R R Martin

Is this the baby?" I said.
Ma turned on me again.
"What do you think it is?" she said. "A midget that can't talk? ~ George Saunders

This is awesome," Tsunami said. "I'm so excited." "Going to see my very favorite dragon in all of Pyrrhia."
"Are you being Glory now?" Sunny asked. "Queen of Sarcasm?"
"I can be sarcastic, too! "She doesn't get to be queen of everything," Tsunami grumbled. ~ Tui T. Sutherland

I'll speak for myself, but there's a lot of humor to be found in sarcasm and darkness. You talk to any paramedic, they survive by developing a pretty off-kilter sense of humor. ~ Nicolas Cage

it's a losing battle at this point,but so was the alamo ~ Mary Elizabeth Summer

Can you enter a house uninvited?"
"No."
"Why?"
"That would be rude. ~ Abigail Gibbs

Would somebody please tell him whose idea it had been to kill the entire state of Colorado? ~ Justin Cronin

How's Alison getting on?'

Conway snorted. 'Tucked up in the sick room like she's dying in some season finale. Little fadey voice on her and all. She's having a great old time. ~ Tana French

Alessa looked at Brennus giving him a smirk.
"Brennus."
"Alessa."
"Still think that you are the God's gift to all faeries?"
"Still trying to convince yourself that I am not?" Brennus responded smirking arrogantly and leaning back in his chair. ~ B.C. Morin

Because were were both probationary constables, an experienced PC had been left to supervise us - a responsibility he diligently pursued from an all-night cafe on St. Martin's Close. ~ Ben Aaronovitch

Your wit is always such a delight, Mr. Zeklos. I can barely contain myself around it. ~ Richelle Mead

I grew up as a very sarcastic person. I was always the class clown, and to date girls, I had to be really funny. I was really skinny growing up. I was so thin, I had to run around in the shower to get wet. That kind of thin. So I always had to rely on humor and sarcasm. ~ Kurt Fuller

That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard of. I think I would have more fun chopping thistles with a butter knife. ~ K. Martin Beckner

Well, child? Aren't you going to try to turn me into some kind of unspeakable creature?
I don't think I shall bother, madam, seeing as you are making such a good job of it yourself! ~ Terry Pratchett

I can give you two words," I tell him. "The second is off. Can you guess the first? ~ Darren Shan

You see, that is the sad, sorry, terrible thing about sarcasm.
It's really funny. ~ Brandon Sanderson

Julio was willing to bet that Officer "I've Seen It All" Mac had never seen a horde of black-skinned demons wearing rags and armor and carrying swords and spears, dragging a naked woman and a chubby boy by a rope. No, he was willing to bet his left nut that even officer Mac had never seen such a thing. ~ Brom

How are you feeling?"
I leaned away from him. "Gross."
Aiden frowned. "Gross?"
"I haven't brushed my teeth or washed my face in days. Don't come near me."
He laughed. "Alex, come on."
"Seriously, I'm gross." I put my hand over my mouth.
Ignoring my protests, he leaned over and brushed my string hair back. "You're as beautiful as always, Alex."
I stared at him. He must not get out much. ~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

Come humans, fulfill your evolutionary purpose adn build your hound a fire. Oberon ~ Kevin Hearne

The key to humor is often self-loathing or sarcasm. In a sense, that's how self-loathing is made palatable. ~ James Gray

Time for the likeliest story since Mary told Joseph it was God's. ~ Val McDermid

I don't believe this. This is utter shit!" I yelled.
"Does it look like I'm lying?" Steven asked.
I rolled my eyes at his incredibly stupid question, "I don't know. Let me look at you with my x-ray vision to see through this stupid blindfold and I'll get back to you. ~ Sara Massa

She'd met Colin on a Monday.
She'd kissed him on a Friday.
Twelve years later.
She sighed. It seemed fairly pathetic. ~ Julia Quinn

You did not just say that. I have a feeling we're on the verge of hugging and coming up with cute nicknames for each other. ~ Richelle Mead

Sarcasm mascarades as the Preppy's sense of humor. ~ Lisa Birnbach

The 100% American is 99% idiot. ~ George Bernard Shaw

You really want my honest opinion?" I ask.
Anton gestures for me to go on. "Please, this is why I hired you, devochka."
I detect a little hint of sarcasm, but I go ahead and say, "I hate restaurants like this."
"Why?" He seems genuinely curious to know why.
"Because - because they're expensive."
"What is the problem? I'm paying for everything."
I shake my head. "It's not that - you see," I lower my voice, " this is where famous people eat."
"Famous?" Anton pretends to look around. "Where?"
"I think that's the guy from that prank show. And there's that guy from those vampire movies. And Maya Findlay."
"Yeah? I don't know who they are."
"Really?" I ask dubiously.
"I'm not into the famous people thing too."
"Really."
"Yes."
"Which is why you only date models who want to become actresses." I notice him giving me a look. "Sorry," I say sheepishly. ~ Maria Malonzo

He explained civilization to me. I mean how it looks to him. He's going to let it go on a little while longer. But it better be careful and not interfere with his private life. If it does, he's apt to make a phone call to God and cancel the order. ~ Raymond Chandler

In 1803, President Jefferson oversaw the purchase of this land from the French for $15 million. It doesn't sound like much for an area three times the size of France itself but given that they'd stolen it from the Native Americans in the first place, I suppose they couldn't grumble. Once some debts had been wiped and estate agents had taken their commission, Napoleon's France ended up pocketing a little more than $8 million. Which is about how much it cost Pepsi Cola to secure the services of Britney Spears. Times have changed. ~ Dave Gorman

Is this the girl?" Kieran's voice was very different: It sounded like waves sliding up the shore. Like warm water under pale light. It was seductive, with an edge of cold. He looked at Emma as if she were a new kind of flower, one he wasn't sure he liked. "She's pretty," he said. "I didn't think she'd be pretty. You didn't mention it."
Iarlath shrugged. "You've always been partial to blondes," he said.
"Okay, seriously?" Emma snapped her fingers. "I am right here. And I was not aware I was being invited to a game of 'Who's the Hottest?'"
I wasn't aware you were invited at all," said Kieran. His speech had a casual edge, as if he was used to talking to humans.
"Rude," said Emma. ~ Cassandra Clare

Life has a whimsical way of kicking you in the throat. I find it to
be one huge cosmic joke at our expense, only nobody is laughing
but the forces that be - given that they are even a wee bit human. ~ Lori Goldson

Judging from the unfamiliar number, I assumed the text came from Shannon. If not, I would see who came by my house at 4:30 and go with it. Maybe it would be Mr. Darcy coming to pick me up in an extravagant horse-drawn carriage, but I couldn't picture Mr. Darcy using a cell phone. ~ Michelle Madow

A demigod?" I repeated like I'd just learned to speak a few seconds ago. "A real, live demigod?"

"Opposed to a fake, dead one?" He chuckled, proud of himself, and then sighed when my eyes narrowed on him. "You used to have a sense of humor, Seth. ~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

Does Hallmark make a "Sorry I tried to drink your blood and touched you in a vaguely inappropriate manner" card? I settled for "How much do you remember? ~ Molly Harper

The standard clauses of the American dream only included two weeks of vacation a year. ~ Jeff Deck

Would you like to stand next to me and introduce yourself to the class?' Smiled Mr Zimmerman, the English teacher.
Nope, I would rather turn into bat! Leave me the heck alone. Ughh, why is it teachers ask ' Would you like to?' No teen ever wants to stand in front of strangers and be forced to talk about them.
- Lenore Lee from Whitby After Dark ~ Stella Coulson

For appearances. Now there's a lovely thing to die for. ~ Gerald Morris

Yeah," Chris said. "I lose a couple limbs getting drunk and falling into harvesting combine, I'm an idiot. I lose the same limbs because I happened to be standing next to the right door when the ship was damaged, I'm a hero. ~ James S.A. Corey

Great,' I said. 'Visit exotic Australia. Get bitten by an exotic snake. Die exotically. ~ Steven Gould

The more repression there is, the more need there is for irreverence toward those who are responsible for that repression. But too often sarcasm passes for irony, name-calling passes for insight, bleeped-out four-letter words pass for wit, and lowest-common-denominator jokes pass for analysis. Satire should have a point of view. It doesn't have to get a belly laugh. It does have to present criticism. ~ Paul Krassner

We all make mistakes. Luckily for us, there are very few mistakes that cant be solved with a suitable application of either lipstick or hand grenades - Frances Brown ~ Seanan McGuire

But nowhere in the file had anyone said, "Oh, and by the way, he runs like a gazelle with an espresso addiction." At least not in the parts I'd skimmed. ~ Lish McBride

Were you born stupid, Heinrich, or did you have to study? ~ Robert A. Heinlein

Don't waste yer' breath kid. Explainin' anything to that one? It's like tryin' ta' slap the dumb off a retard ... -George Foster ~ Shawn Durnin

his mind's like Alcatraz. once something's in, it never gets out ~ Mary Elizabeth Summer

I don't know about your true form, but the weight of your ego sure is pushing the crust of the earth toward the breaking point. ~ Jim Butcher

Stop teasing me, doc. You haven't got the tits for it. ~ David Hine

I could feel the heat rising in my cheeks. 'We spent one night together.'
'You had sex then?'
'No we crocheted a quilt.' I cocked my head to side and gave him my nastiest glare. Lorelei Preston to Agent Brody-The Wild Hunt ~ Ashley Jeffery

As if I'd had time to drug it in the two milliseconds she'd let me out of her sight. ~ Nenia Campbell

Because we don't really sparkle. ~ John G. Hartness

Clever is when one is crafty enough to mistake your imagination for intelligence. Smart is when one assumes they are too educated to notice the difference. ~ Kerry E. Wagner

Should I pull on a shirt?" he asked with hint of amusement. I WILL NOT BLUSH. "No." He'd be doing the world a favor if he never wore a shirt again, but I wasn't going to tell him that part. "You're fine. ~ Gena Showalter

Then the small man suddenly ran after them and said:
"I want to get my haircut. I say, do you know a little shop anywhere where they cut hair properly? I keep on having my hair cut, but it keeps on growing again."
One of the tall men looked at him with the air of a pained naturalist. ~ G.K. Chesterton

Why is a man with a knife after your blood? Who sent him? I would like to write the fellow a letter of thanks! ~ Elizabeth Peters

The cops got out of the car and came straight towards me. My first thought was, How hypocritical ... They head straight for the kid all in black ... ~ Bella Shadow