Best Funny Quotes

To me, the musical is best when it's a musical comedy. So if you have a very, very funny show, and very good, funny songs, that's what the musical does best. ~ Eric Idle

Working on 'Parks' was like heaven because everyone there was just intimidatingly intelligent and funny, and we would have these hilarious debates about really tangential things. It was inspiring because I felt really challenged to be my best. ~ Chelsea Peretti

I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best. ~ Daniel Tosh

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. ~ Jimmy Durante

Ysabel probably shouldn't have giggled as he pulled himself from the pool, water streaming from him in thick rivulets. But really, what did he expect? Groping her while she drove, making her all hot and distracted. The jerk. He should count himself lucky. Most guys would've ended up splattered on the sidewalk. Maybe she didn't hate him after all.
Hair plastered to his skull, dripping like a big sea monster, he glowered at her. "You are an evil witch."
Fluffing her hair she smiled. "Why thank you. I try my best. ~ Eve Langlais

I don't know the first real thing about the dating game. I don't know how to talk to a specific person and connect. I just think you have to go to person by person and do the best you can with people in general. ~ Jason Schwartzman

she shall scant show well that now shows best. ~ William Shakespeare

I'm the decider, and I decide what is best. ~ George W. Bush

It's funny about imagination, how it ~ Ivan Doig

To all the girls out there who think being funny is not sexy, you are wrong! ~ Chad Michael Murray

A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time. ~ Mitch Hedberg

Ladies, your happiness is very important to us. You have to understand that. Because when you're happy, you let us touch you. ~ Adam Ferrara

What you call flaws are really just scars and wounds accumulated over a lifetime. ~ Deepak Chopra

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys. ~ Woody Allen

You dance?"
"I think that might be overly optimistic," he said. "I do something. I'll try not to hurt you. ~ Robyn Carr

Torn clothes are funny ... until your dad gets fired. ~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

[As a kid] I did enjoy making people laugh but I was also attracted to funny people. I'm [still] quite happy to not be the one trying to make other people laugh. I'm happy laughing at someone else. I enjoy laughing and I'll happily be the one just laughing all night if you can make me laugh. ~ Ricky Gervais

What gets me is, I waited in line for an hour to do this. I could have experienced essentially the same level of enjoyment merely by sticking my finger down my throat. ~ Dave Barry

Alesi is in second place, and Hill is in second place. ~ Murray Walker

I always wear my wedding ring. It's my trademark. ~ Ljupka Cvetanova

Last times are funny things, because you rarely know it's a last time until it's too late. ~ Shalanda Stanley

The reason I'm writing funny books is that I wish there were more. ~ Christopher Moore

I think a lot comes from having the experience of doing stand-up comedy. It allows you to figure out the psychology of an audience; what things are funny and not. ~ Keenen Ivory Wayans

My mom believed that you make your own luck. Over the stove she had hung these old, maroon painted letters that spell out, "MANIFEST." The idea being if you thought and dreamed about the way you wanted your life to be
if you just envisioned it long enough, it would come into being.
But as hard as I had manifested Astrid Heyman with her hand in mine, her blue eyes gazing into mine, her lips whispering something wild and funny and outrageous in my ear, she had remained totally unaware of my existence. Truly, to even dream of dreaming about Astrid, for a guy like me, in my relatively low position on the social ladder of Cheyenne Mountain High, was idiotic. And with her a senior and me a junior? Forget it.
Astrid was just lit up with beauty: shining blonde ringlets, June sky blue eyes, slightly furrowed brow, always biting back a smile, champion diver on the swim team. Olympic level.
Hell, Astrid was Olympic level in every possible way. ~ Emmy Laybourne

Progress is man's ability to complicate simplicity. ~ Thor Heyerdahl

If you want the truth from someone, just make them angry. ~ Jason Gabriel Kondrath

A company could use bricks to measure their growth rate. How many bricks have angry investors thrown at you lately? If the answer is none, then your growth rate is probably pretty good ... for the moment. ~ Amy Summers

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once. ~ Mitch Hedberg

Friendship will not stand the strain of very much good advice for very long. ~ Robert Staughton Lynd

A great way to learn about your country is to leave it. ~ Henry Rollins

I saw thousands of pumpkins last night
come floating in on the tide,
bumping up against the rocks and
rolling up on the beaches;
it must be Halloween in the sea ~ Richard Brautigan

A husband is like a fire - he goes out when unattended. ~ Evan Esar

On how to make the game more exciting - Eliminate the referees, raise the basket four feet, double the size of the basketball, limit the height of the players to 5 feet 9 inches, bring back the centre jump, allow taxi drivers in for free and allow the players to carry guns. ~ Al McGuire

I don't think I was funny until college. I lived with some Harvard MD/PhD students - they were so smart, and what I contributed to the house was, I was the funny one. ~ Wendy Liebman

Everyone always says to me, 'Why aren't there more people of color on television?' I'm like, 'Why don't you ask a bunch of people who aren't putting people of color on television why there aren't more people of color on television?' ~ Shonda Rhimes

Be patient with your boaters and let them rant. Most of them will get over it come December. ~ Matt Goldman

This funny little film we did called 'Sharknado' has caused so much buzz, I would have never imagined. It's literally caused more buzz than anything else I've ever done. I had no idea that it was going to turn into this phenomenon. ~ Cassie Scerbo

Hitler didn't travel. Stalin didn't travel. Saddam Hussein never traveled. They didn't want to have their orthodoxy challenged. ~ Howard Gardner

It's funny, particularly when you're a writer and you're doing well, you have that sense of like, "Oh! My view of the world is the one that's going to be published." ~ Daniel Handler

Shame upon him who can look on calmly, and exclaim,
'The foolish girl! she should have waited; she should have
allowed time to wear off the impression; her despair would
have been softened, and she would have found another lover
to comfort her.' One might as well say, 'The fool, to die of a
fever! why did he not wait till his strength was restored, till
his blood became calm? all would then have gone well, and
he would have been alive now. ~ Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

Reynie's fce fell. 'It's not funny, Kate.'
For a moment - a fleeting moment - Kate looked desperately sad. 'Well, of course it's not funny, Reynie Muldoon. But what do you want me to do? Cry? ~ Trenton Lee Stewart