Evan Esar Quotes

A husband is like a fire - he goes out when unattended.

Some members of Congress ought to have their mouths taped instead of their speeches.

The honeymoon is the only period when a woman isn't trying to reform her husband.

The difference between us and other people is that their money looks bigger and their troubles smaller.

A bright eye indicates curiosity; a black eye, too much.

An actor is a man with an infinite capacity for taking praise.

A word to the wise is
unnecessary.

The man who avoids debt doesn't have to worry about avoiding his creditors.

A credit card is a convenient device that saves you the trouble of counting your change.

Some men are so eager for success that they are even willing to work for it.

Public speaking is the art of diluting a two-minute idea with a two-hour vocabulary.

Don't be a hog: the only time a hog helps the community is when he dies.

Common sense is usually lack of imagination, and imagination is usually lack of common sense.

A signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name.

A cynic sees little to admire in the world, while the world sees even less to admire in him.

A compromise is a settlement by which each side gets what neither side wanted.

Age brings wisdom to some men, and to others chess.

Nowadays it's not who wears the pants in the family, but who carries the credit cards.

A dictator's chief problem is keeping the stomachs of his subjects full while keeping their heads empty.

Some couples divorce because of a misunderstandin g; others, because they understand each other too well.

Divorce is the key that opens the strongbox where the bonds of matrimony are kept under wedlock.

Only one man has the right to boast, and that's the man who never does.

The chief ability of an executive should be his ability to recognize ability.

It's not the loss of life that makes the death bitter
it's the obituaries.

There is nothing more dignified than a corpse.

Many a man works himself to death by burying himself in his work.

Success is the good fortune that comes from aspiration, desperation, perspiration,and inspiration.

The only medicine that needs no prescription, has no unpleasant taste, and costs no money is laughter.

A smart mother suggests that her child bring an apple to his teacher; a smarter mother suggests that he bring a couple of aspirins.

Think twice before you speak, and then you may be able to say something more insulting than if you spoke right out at once.

The only time a lazy man ever succeeds is when he tries to do nothing.

A dollar saved is a dollar earned but seldom vice versa.

Egocentricity: The vanity that makes you wonder what people are thinking about you when they are really wondering what you are thinking about them.

Statistics: The only science that enables different experts using the same figures to draw different conclusions.

There's nothing as short as short-term debt.

A girl never cares who casts the first stone at her
as long as it's a diamond

The quizzical expression of the monkey at the zoo comes from his wondering whether he is his brother's keeper, or his keeper's brother.

Next time a man tells you talk is cheap, ask him if he knows how much a session of Congress costs.

The Lord takes care of his own, but church trustees still put lightning rods on the steeple.

Admiration: Our feeling of delight that another person resembles us.

A vacation is like love - anticipated with pleasure, experienced with discomfort, and remembered with nostalgia.

A good loser is all right, but it isn't so much fun to beat him.

There's only one thing worse than to live without working, and that is to work without living.

A bore finds it easy to start talking, and even easier to get others to stop listening.

A wedding is the formality a man has to go through before going to work for a new boss.

Many people will laugh at the drop of a hat, especially if the man is still in it.

The only place where you can find equality is in the cemetery.

Anger is the feeling that makes your mouth work faster than your mind.

Definition of Statistics: The science of producing unreliable facts from reliable figures.

The man who has a girl in every port is not a sailor but a wholesaler.

Many a woman would get a divorce if she could do it without making her husband happy.

Compare what you want with what you have, and you'll be unhappy; compare what you deserve with what you have, and you'll be happy.

This may be the age of automation, but love is still being made by hand.

A batch of credit cards fattens a wallet before it thins it.

In Congress the majority governs, but the minority rules.

A special skill, like speaking several languages, or keeping your mouth shut in one.

You can't judge the ability of a doctor by the amount of praise the undertakers give him.

The man who doctors himself with the aid of medical books, runs the risk of dying of a typographical error.

Some people blow their top, but all people blow their bottom.

[Statistics] Fiction in its most uninteresting form.

Etymology: from Latin ad-, "to" + visum, past participle of videre, "to see". Advice is what you get from your parents when you are growing up, and from your children when you are growing old.

There's only one kind of common sense but a thousand varieties of stupidity.

The best way to make a long story short is to stop listening.

If you don't like to make excuses or apologies, stop making promises.

Hope is tomorrow's veneer over today's disappointment.

Under dictatorship, the people in prison are always superior to the people who put them there.

A woman is always ready to describe another woman as charming, but only if the other woman is not charming.

Character is what you have left when you've lost everything you can lose.

The little boy who goes to the store and forgets what his mother sent him for, will probably grow up to be a congressman.

Many an actor does the stage more ham than good.

Women diet to retain their girlish figures or their boyish husbands.

Many a girl who can't dance well makes up for it during intermission.

A lecturer often makes you feel dumb at one end and numb at the other.

It takes hundreds of nuts to hold a car together, but it takes only one of them to scatter it all over the highway.

The trouble with child training is that parents teach their children not how to behave, but how not to behave.

Zoo: An excellent lace to study the habits of human beings

Some people would never get any exercise at all if they didn't have to walk to their cars.

Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space.

A homosexual is the only man who ever meets a man he would like to marry if he were a woman.

Sometimes the unexpected happens when you don't expect a person to come up to expectations.

[Statistics] The science that can prove everything except the usefulness of statistics.

Egocentric: A person who has his I's too close together.

Corrupt officials are usually close-mouthed and open-handed.

Somebody is always doing something that somebody else said couldn't be done.

With a braggart, it's no sooner done than said.

Some men take good care of a car; others treat it like one of the family.

If you can't bear to have your face stepped on, don't try to climb the ladder of success.

Charm is to a woman what perfume is to a flower.

A hamburger by any other name costs twice as much.

Life is a battle of wits, and many people have to fight it unarmed.

Good teachers cost a lot; but, poor teachers cost a lot more.

The lazy man claims he is too heavy for light work and too light for heavy work.

Divorce is the price people play for playing with matches.

Nothing ages your car as much as the sight of your neighbor's new one.

Some women get divorces on the grounds of incompatibility; others, on just the first two syllables.

You can always tell the golfer who's winning: he's the one who keeps telling his opponent that it's only a game.

A husband may forget where he went on his honeymoon, but he never forgets why.

The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about.

Conscience gets a lot of credit that really belongs to cowardice.

If it required some effort to go from today to tomorrow, some people would always remain in yesterday.