5g Funny Quotes

I know who I am. Bloody hell, I'm getting enough bills for Karl Pilkington so I hope I am him, 'cos if I'm not, I have no idea who I'm paying for. ~ Karl Pilkington

And all those things you listed right now, they're
things Garrett and I do together. Dude, you don't want me. You want me and
Garrett. ~ Elle Kennedy

Melons. The girls. Gazongas. I could rattle off every nickname in the world for my boobs – oops nearly forgot jubblies – but it didn't change the fact they were small. ~ Gabrielle Tozer

Once I faced a female with diamond skin," Nix said breathlessly. "I was transfixed - even as she was choking the life out of me."
"Really?"
" No, I saw that character on X men. I just wanted to commiserate. Alas, I have no weaknesses."
"Except your insanity," Lucia pointed out.
sigh. "Well played, Archer. then carry on ... ~ Kresley Cole

I do not know how to distinguish between waking life and a dream. Are we not always living the life that we imagine we are? ~ Henry David Thoreau

Religion is like a blind man looking in a black room for a black cat that isn't there, and finding it. ~ Oscar Wilde

When pointing out the flaws in others, people always end up talking about themselves. ~ Claire Chilton

Abscond - to move in a mysterious way, commonly with the property of another. ~ Ambrose Bierce

The older I get, the smarter my father seems to get. ~ Timothy J. Russert

I'm screamingly funny, you know, I really am in the books. And that helps because I'm funnier than a lot of people, I think, and that's appreciated by young people. ~ Kurt Vonnegut

This evening I wish to suggest that we Christians should accompany people on their pilgrimages. Specifically we should travel with people as they search for the good, the true and the beautiful. ~ Timothy Radcliffe

Football's all about 90 minutes ~ Glenn Hoddle

Ridiculous!" The goddess sneered. "Your mind is too wily, girl-too stubborn and intelligent. I couldn't steer you as easily."
"Steer me?" I protested. "Hey lady, I'm not a Toyota. ~ Rick Riordan

Some years later, long after he and Megadeth parted company, Jay Jones was stabbed to death with a butter knife during-rumor has it-a fight over a bolonga sandwich. That's not funny, of course. But, if you knew Jay, neither is it particularly suprising. ~ Dave Mustaine

A gourmet meal without a glass of wine just seems tragic to me somehow. ~ Kathy Mattea

Excuse me, Tex, the nurse said, hands on hips. 'Would you mind reining in the voice. There are babies being born in this hospital. We wouldn't want the first sound they hear to be your painful howling. There could be lawsuits. ~ Eoin Colfer

So okay. C-section in the morning? Why not?
Chris still hadn't shown up when I felt the examining room. Nor had he answered my call asking him what was up.
I got in my car to drive to the hospital, then did what a lot of women do in that situation: I called my mom.
"Hey, honey, are you okay?" she asked.
"Yes." I burst into tears. Until that moment, I hadn't realized how close to panicking I really was.
"What's wrong?" she asked.
"I…don't know where Chris is. I have to go to the hospital to have the baby-"
"It'll be OK," she said quickly. "I'm going to the airport. I'll be there."
I didn't even get to explain the full situation.
Then Chris called. "Where are you?" I asked. I was somewhere between relieved and angry-or maybe I was both angry and relieved.
"I just had some stuff happen," he said. "I'm okay. I'll tell you when I see you."
"I need you now," I said, telling him about the baby.
If you've read American Sniper, you know what had happened to him: he passed out during what should have been a very routine procedure to remove a cyst in his neck. It was a freak thing that led to what we think was a temporary seizure.
Some "thing." But being a SEAL and being Chris, he completely minimized it. In fact, I didn't know what had happened until later. All I knew was that he met me at the hospital and was by my side when I needed him.
There is a bit of a funny story attached to the incident. A friend of Chris's ~ Taya Kyle

Chomsky is a pencil-and-paper theoretician who wouldn't know Jabba the Hutt from the Cookie Monster, ~ Steven Pinker

Comedy is very important, yes. For one thing, it keeps you sane. But it's not really a conversion. I mean, it's marginally a conversion, because if people tune in or go to a nightclub or even watch television, and hear that a lot of other people are laughing at something you thought was not funny, at least it'll force you to reconsider. ~ Tom Lehrer

Well, once again we are invaded. And, humiliatingly, by a lifeform which is absurd. My colleague Tim Powers once said that Martians could invade us simply by putting on funny hats, and we'd never notice. It's a sort of low-budget invasion. I guess we're at the point where we can be amused by the idea of Earth being invaded. (And this is when they really zap you. ~ Philip K. Dick

I suppose when you say you slept with him, it was more than just a nap?"
Lillian shot her a withering glance. "Daisy, don't be a pea wit. ~ Lisa Kleypas

Toyota has announced it will start integrating Microsoft technology into their vehicles. It's perfect for the person who wants a car that crashes every ten minutes. ~ Conan O'Brien

I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too. ~ Mitch Hedberg

Homer no function beer well without. ~ Homer

I just know from experience that reading a funny poem aloud, especially at the beginning of a public reading, can have a certain effect. Somehow narrowing the spectrum of possible emotional reactions. So while I like it when people laugh at my poems, and I definitely enjoy being funny in them, I don't really think that's the most important thing that's going on, at least not to me. ~ Matthew Zapruder

Hang on, Pa, don't reach for yer shotgun just yet," I said, grinning over the protective streak I found funny, when there wasn't actually anything to shelterme from. "We were just circlin' the wagons, not having an orgy."
My dad suddenly looked like he might be sick. "Please don't ever say that word again."
"Wagons? ~ Rachel Vincent

I squared my shoulders, trying to ignore the fact that I was standing in the apartment of the sea witch, wearing a fairy-tale prom gown, waiting for the attack of the mermaids. ~ Seanan McGuire

How does gravity work? And if it were to cease suddenly, would certain restaurants still require a jacket? ~ Woody Allen

My mum and dad are both really funny. My granddad's really funny, my uncle's really funny, everyone's really funny. You have to be quick, otherwise you get roasted. Everyone takes the piss quite a lot. You have to be really sharp. ~ Noel Fielding

I would like to do something modern and possibly funny. ~ Dan Stevens

The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians. ~ Steve Forbes

I have never wanted to punch a highway in the face as badly as I do right now. ~ Seanan McGuire

Something about New York, man: You can do more comedy there probably than you can anywhere in the world. If you're interested in being funny, New York is the place to go. ~ Dave Chappelle

Money in property is dead money. It doesn't help the country. It's funny how the U.K., Ireland and Spain are the most property-obsessed nations in Europe and yet are also the ones suffering the most. ~ Peter Hargreaves

What's so funny?" Bella mumbled.
"I got food in her hair," I told her, chortling again.
"I'm not going to forget this, dog," Rosalie hissed.
"S'not so hard to erase a blond's memory," I countered. "Just blow in her ear."
Get some new jokes, "Rosalie snapped. ~ Stephenie Meyer

The other day, I got a henna tattoo that says "Forever." ~ Zach Galifianakis

A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!" ~ Frank Carson

Did you see where President Reagan finally got a hearing aid? People have been telling him to get one for years, but he couldn't hear them. ~ Bob Hope

Easy for you to say. You're the one who got plowed. I was doing the plowing. Cam's mouth opened. Oh my God, did I really just say that? I had. ~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

There's a fine line between marketing and grand theft. ~ Scott Adams