Quotes About Humor Funny
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There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies. ~ George Carlin
Despite a lifetime of service to the cause of sexual liberation, I have never caught venereal disease, which makes me feel rather like an Arctic explorer who has never had frostbite. ~ Germaine Greer
A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well. ~ Henny Youngman
I gotta work out. I keep saying it all the time. I keep saying I gotta start working out. Its been about two months since I've worked out. And I just don't have the time. Which uh..is odd. Because I have the time to go out to dinner. And uh..and watch TV. And get a bone density test. And uh.. try to figure out what my phone number spells in words. ~ Ellen DeGeneres
I wish I could be as thin as Jessica Simpson. I think she looks gorgeous! I have had Jessica on my show several times, and I can tell you that girl is genuine and funny with a great self-deprecating sense of humor. ~ Rachael Ray
WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU GET SCARED HALF TO DEATH, TWICE? - T-SHIRT ~ Darynda Jones
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.' ~ Emo Philips
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it? ~ Steven Wright
I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there. ~ Anthony Jeselnik
Granted, this system is insane, but we must not let sanity stand in the way of airport security. ~ Dave Barry
I do not want to sound cynical or condescending, but your lips are moving, your mind unbending. ~ Fakeer Ishavardas
When I finally embraced abstinence it was because of the simple urge to work a longer day. Thus, without joining Alcoholics Anonymous, I was at last able to leave Piss-Artists Notorious. ~ Clive James
Happiness is having a scratch for every itch. ~ Ogden Nash
If criticism had any power to harm, the skunk would be extinct by now. ~ Fred Allen
Twas the night before Thanksgiving.
All the food's in the oven.
And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'. ~ Craig Ferguson
It should not be an act of social disobedience to light a cigarette. Unless you're actually a doctor working at an incubator. ~ Dylan Moran
I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him. ~ Henny Youngman
Silence is foolish if we are wise, but wise if we are foolish. ~ Charles Caleb Colton
The difference between utility and utility plus beauty is the difference between telephone wires and the spider web. ~ Edwin Way Teale
I have a ton of Holocaust stuff, and some of it is really hard core. ~ Sarah Silverman
I have no use for bodyguards, but I have very specific use for two highly trained certified public accountants. ~ Elvis Presley
The mistakes of the fool are known to the world, but not to himself. The mistakes of the wise man are known to himself, but not to the world. ~ Charles Caleb Colton
It takes all sorts of people to make the underworld. ~ Don Marquis
The real joy is in constructing a sentence. But I see myself as an actor first because writing is what you do when you are ready and acting is what you do when someone else is ready. ~ Steve Martin
If you cry 'Forward' you must be sure to make clear the direction in which to go. Don't you see that if you fail to do that and simply call out the word to a monk and a revolutionary, they will go in precisely opposite directions? ~ Anton Chekhov
A legal or religious ceremony by which two persons of the opposite sex solemnly agree to harass and spy on each other ... until death do them join. ~ Elbert Hubbard
Emily's ginger brows were knit tight, the edges of each almost meeting over the bridge of her pert nose. You know I will, you daft baggage. As if we have any other option. ~ Kady Cross
The jewel in the baby product crown is the stroller. And if in America you are what you drive, then in Parentland, you are what you push. ~ Paul Reiser
An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New
Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not
new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax. ~ David Letterman
With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law, and every time they make a law it's a joke. ~ Will Rogers
I suppose I could get a job to have something to do, but working when I don't have to work would be like pulling a straight and healthy tooth
pointless and extremely painful.
David Palmer ~ Stephen Reid Andrews
Women priests. Great, great. Now there's priests of both sexes I don't listen to. ~ Bill Hicks
Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had a mild stroke. ~ Frankie Boyle
Play and be happy. ~ Lailah Gifty Akita
If you send a damned fool to St. Louis, and you don't tell them he's a damned fool, they'll never find out. ~ Mark Twain
If you were happy every day of your life you wouldn't be a human being, you'd be a game show host. ~ Gabriel Heatter
Of all God's creatures, there is only one that cannot be made slave of the leash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve the man, but it would deteriorate the cat. ~ Mark Twain
My father established our relationship when I was seven years old. He looked at me and said, You know, I brought you in this world, and I can take you out. And it don't make no difference to me, I'll make another one look just like you. ~ Bill Cosby
I was born by Caesarian section ... but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window. ~ Steven Wright
Most comedy is based on getting a laugh at somebody else's expense. And I find that that's just a form of bullying in a major way. So I want to be an example that you can be funny and be kind, and make people laugh without hurting somebody else's feelings. ~ Ellen DeGeneres
Belief is a wise wager. Granted that faith cannot be proved, what harm will come to you if you gamble on its truth and it proves false? If you gain, you gain all; if you lose, you lose nothing. Wager, then, without hesitation, that He exists. ~ Blaise Pascal
Newfoundland dogs are good to save children from drowning, but you must have a pond of water handy and a child, or else there will be no profit in boarding a Newfoundland. ~ Josh Billings
I never thought I want to do anything, really, except not go to work properly and turn up at the same place every day and eat sandwiches in the same canteen, if I can possibly help it, as I don't think I'd be very good at it. ~ Dylan Moran
The Holocaust would never have happened if black people lived in Germany in the 1930s and 40s ... well, it wouldn't have happened to Jews. ~ Sarah
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity. ~ Chris Rock
Why are there five syllables in the word "monosyllabic"? ~ Steven Wright
I firmly disagree with anyone who says humans are the most advanced, or the most intelligent species on the planet. In fact, only three animals have ever threatened to kill me: humans, their dogs, and a particularly aggressive species of house spider. ~ Israel Morrow
Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered? ~ Woody Allen
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. ~ Mitch Hedberg
Abscond - to move in a mysterious way, commonly with the property of another. ~ Ambrose Bierce
If law school is so hard to get through ... how come there are so many lawyers? ~ Calvin Trillin
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end. ~ Jerry Seinfeld
I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun! ~ Rodney Dangerfield
Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional. ~ Bob Monkhouse
I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar. I owe it about $25. ~ Demetri Martin
My condolences, you're still alive. ~ Fakeer Ishavardas
Gaylord Perry and Willie McCovey should know each other like a book. They've been ex-teammates for years now. ~ Jerry Coleman
And all those things you listed right now, they're
things Garrett and I do together. Dude, you don't want me. You want me and
Garrett. ~ Elle Kennedy
I was once on a German talk show, and this woman said to me, 'Mr. Williams, why do you think there is not so much comedy in Germany?' And I said, 'Did you ever think you killed all the funny people?' ~ Robin Williams
Limousines used to be reserved for the ruling class, or, on special occasions, for the working class. Today, limousines are like taxicabs with the door handles still intact. ~ Erma Bombeck
I have no qualifications to do anything else and there weren't any formal application forms you had to fill in for stand-up, so I thought I'd give that a twist. ~ Dylan Moran
Nothing has really happened until it has been recorded. ~ Virginia Woolf
I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but I found it too unwieldy ~ Groucho Marx
Despite a lack of natural ability, I did have the one element necessary to all early creativity: naïveté, that fabulous quality that keeps you from knowing just how unsuited you are for what you are about to do. ~ Steve Martin
It is a wise child that knows its own father, and an unusual one that unreservedly approves of him. ~ Mark Twain
Lydia was the kind of friend whom people referred to as a 'party favor'
always fun to be around but she doesn't have any patience for suffering unless it's her own. ~ Chelsea Handler
Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else. ~ Will Rogers
What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth ? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad. ~ Dave Barry
What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist. ~ Frank Carson
That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position! ~ Henny Youngman
The real fact is that I could no longer stand their eternal cold mutton. ~ Cecil Rhodes
The first animals to be successfully domesticated were dogs, which were a big help because they would bark all night and fetch thrown sticks, thereby freeing humans from having to perform these tedious yet vital tasks. ~ Dave Barry
Connor and Cameron look wide-eyed at the carnage. Cameron slowed the speedboat down to a crawl. She and Connor looked at Jason.
"Oops," Jason said meekly. Nothing else seemed appropriate.
"Oops?" Connor shouted. "You blew up half the town. ~ Mark A. Cooper
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier ... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. ~ Steven Wright
Humour is often linked to shared experience. Like, a guy gets up and says, "Have you noticed public restrooms have really inefficient hand-dryers?" Oh my God, yes I have, hahaha, really
good point, they should ... fix that. It's good to know that somebody finally gets me! ~ Bo Burnham
I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language. ~ Mitch Hedberg
Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent. ~ Fred Allen
It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it! ~ Lewis Black
We cherish our friends not for their ability to amuse us, but for ours to amuse them. ~ Evelyn Waugh
It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location. ~ Demetri Martin
Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet. ~ Dennis Miller
Black people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population and 90% of the final four. ~ Chris Rock
If the security personnel do their job properly, they just might cause you to miss your plane, thereby possibly saving your life. ~ Dave Barry
She sleeps alone at last. ~ Robert Benchley
Comedy is the kindly contemplation of the incongruous. ~ P.G. Wodehouse
If you want to live like a Republican, vote like a Democrat. ~ Bill Clinton
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules? ~ Steven Wright
Progress is a continuing effort to make the things we eat, drink, and wear as good as they used to be. ~ Bill Vaughan
I've never been an intellectual but I have this look. ~ Woody Allen
Nevertheless, it is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. ~ H.L. Mencken
The planes are crowded and noisy and late, and everybody hates everybody. If armed terrorists had tried to hijack any of the flights I've been on lately, we passengers would have swiftly beaten them to death with those hard rolls you get with your in-flight meals. ~ Dave Barry
The happiest time in a man's life is when he is in the red hot pursuit of a dollar with a reasonable prospect of overtaking it. ~ Josh Billings
Dead people are just great. Meet me when you are. ~ Fakeer Ishavardas
Why hate someone for the color of their skin when there are much better reasons to hate them. ~ Denis Leary
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks. ~ Emo Philips
You have a nice personality, but not for a human being. ~ Henny Youngman
Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes. When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians! ~ George Carlin
Dead birds don't fall out of their nests. ~ Winston Churchill
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes ... ~ Steven Wright
My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's. ~ Oscar Wilde