Humor Intelligence Quotes

In relationships with a directors, I want to be able to give and take, and I can't name what it is: respect, energy, investment in the task, focus, humor, intelligence, but I always feel responsible for taking the money. ~ Harrison Ford

We all make mistakes, but intelligence enables us to do it on purpose. ~ Will Cuppy

Wit seduces by signaling intelligence without nerdiness. ~ Nassim Nicholas Taleb

The inhabitants of the earth are of two sorts: those with brains, but no religion, and those with religion, but no brains. ~ Al-Ma'arri

Like a lot of stupid people, it took a great deal to get an idea into the king's head, but once there, there was no shifting it. ~ Richard Killeen

It was rather too late in the day to set about being simple-minded and ignorant. ~ Jane Austen

I mean to say, I know perfectly well that I've got, roughly speaking, half the amount of brain a normal bloke ought to possess. And when a girl comes along who has about twice the regular allowance, she too often makes a bee line for me with the love light in her eyes. I don't know how to account for it, but it is so."
"It may be Nature's provision for maintaining the balance of the species, sir. ~ P.G. Wodehouse

Power is the ability to persuade stupid people to do intelligent things and intelligent people to do stupid things. This is why power is dangerous. ~ Gina Barreca

I have always been much cleverer in retrospect. ~ Jaida Jones

I couldn't claim that I was smarter than sixty-five other guys
but the average of sixty-five other guys, certainly! ~ Richard Feynman

But little else could deter Craig Binky, for he believed that everything about him was destined to be triumphal. Harry Penn was certain that in his nearly one hundred years he had never encountered a soul more intensely marinated in self-satisfaction. Craig Binky's pomposity was often relieved, for others, by what Harry Penn generously termed Mr. Binky's somewhat inexact intelligence. ~ Mark Helprin

Well there's these things called books.... They are like TV for smart people. ~ Robert Redford

When a book and a head collide and a hollow sound is heard, must it always have come from the book? ~ Georg Christoph Lichtenberg

He turned to Miss Minerva. "I'm relying on you, at any rate. You've got a good mind. Anybody can see that."
"Thank you," she said.
"As good as a man's," he added.
"Oh, now you've spoiled it! ~ Earl Derr Biggers

pg. 58. As a kid, I always assumed the know-it-alls on Jeopardy! were obviously the smartest people in America. If you were smart, that's how you showed it: by knowing all your state flowers and kings of Saxony. But what if Rob's right and that's a different, much shallower kind of intelligence? Is my mountain of flash cards all for naught? ~ Ken Jennings

The general intellectual level of South Florida is somewhere just above "functionally retarded". ~ Tucker Max

Do go on,' he said. 'There's nothing I enjoy more than listening to a highly trained intelligence leapfrogging common sense and coming to the wrong conclusions. It gives me renewed faith in parliamentary democracy. ~ Tom Sharpe

Skill is successfully walking a tightrope over Niagara Falls. Intelligence is not trying. ~ Marilyn Vos Savant

Intelligence is the capacity to know what we are doing and instinct is just instinct. The results are about the same. ~ Will Cuppy

Look, I've got nothing against brains. Some of my best friends have them. ~ Stephen Colbert

One will abide, and will confess that another is nobler than he, that another is richer, more handsome, and even that he is more learned, but that another is richer in reason scarcely any will confess: Rare is he who will concede genius. ~ Juana Ines De La Cruz

I loved Monty Python for the wordplay
this sense that you didn't have to squash your intelligence to be funny. In fact, you could walk right into your intelligence and nerdiness and self-doubt, and that could be funny. ~ George Saunders

Ian was the kind of smart that makes your straight A student look like she'd drown in a wet paper bag. Ian was the kind of smart that scares people. ~ Matt K. Turner

It is a damn poor mind that can think of only one way to spell a word. ~ Andrew Jackson

Intelligence is not found when you have a plan, rather it's measured when you have no clue what you're doing. ~ Charlie 'Gale'

It was funny if you looked at it right quick, but it got pitiful if you thought about it awhile. ~ Zora Neale Hurston

Cookie: And I ain't trustworthy. You got no call to be insultin'! ~ Catherine Anderson

This sort of information gathering is precisely what we call play. And the important function of play is thus revealed: it permits us to gain, without any particular future application in mind, a holistic understanding of the world, which is both a complement of and a preparation for later analytical activities. ~ Carl Sagan

These examinations and certificates and so on--what did they matter? And all this efficiency and up-to-dateness--what did that matter, either? Ralston was trying to run Brookfield like a factory--a factory for turning out a snob culture based on money and machines. The old gentlemanly traditions of family and broad acres were changing, as doubtless they were bound to; but instead of widening them to form a genuine inclusive democracy of duke and dustman, Ralston was narrowing them upon the single issue of a fat banking account. There never had been so many rich men's sons at Brookfield. The Speech Day Garden Party was like Ascot. Ralston met these wealthy fellows in London clubs and persuaded them that Brookfield was the coming school, and, since they couldn't buy their way into Eton or Harrow, they greedily swallowed the bait. Awful fellows, some of them--though others were decent enough. Financiers, company promoters, pill manufacturers. One of them gave his son five pounds a week pocket money. Vulgar . . . ostentatious . . . all the hectic rotten-ripeness of the age. . . . And once Chips had got into trouble because of some joke he had made about the name and ancestry of a boy named Isaacstein. The boy wrote home about it, and Isaacstein père sent an angry letter to Ralston. Touchy, no sense of humor, no sense of proportion--that was the matter with them, these new fellows. . . . No sense of proportion. And it was a sense of proportion, above all things, that Brookfield ou ~ James Hilton

My colleague deciphered some bits of the writing on the wolf-totem jar. He found a smattering of words and phrases that spoke of death and destruction. Nothing more."
"So basically a waning label," Painter said.
Kowalski frowned, "Why didn't they just slap it with a skull and crossbones to begin with? It would've saved everyone a bunch of trouble. ~ James Rollins

Happiness is not pleasure, it is a perception of bliss and the fragrance of a flower called service. ~ Debasish Mridha

I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper. ~ Mitch Hedberg

Hungry Hatred, will not strive against intelligence self-interest. ~ T. S. Eliot

A vital part of philosophizing is learning to trust one's own intuitivist intelligence, getting one's center of gravity back between one's feet. In our culture-so outer-directed, "objective" or extraverted-this is already heresy. This is self-mastering thinking, centered in what has been well-tested as certainties: autarkia or self-rule. ~ Kenny Smith

Kid Flash: Have all four sidekicks ever been in the same place at the same time?Speedy: Don't call us sidekicks. Not after today.Kid Flash: First time at the Hall. I'm a little overwhelmed.
Robin: You're overwhelmed, Freeze was underwhelmed-why isn't anyone ever just whelmed?
[They enter the Hall]
Robin: Oh, maybe that's why. ~ Young Justice

The Mole recollected that animal-etiquette forbade any sort of comment on the sudden disappearance of one's friends at any moment, for any reason or no reason whatever. ~ Kenneth Grahame

My imagination plus Vibrizzio is not only equal to but also greater than a real man. Why should I settle for second best? ~ Nicki Elson

It's said that sport is the civilised society's substitute for war, and also that the games we play as children are designed to prepare us for the realities of adult life. Certainly it's true that my brother thrived in the capitalist kindergarten of the Monopoly board, developing a set of ruthless strategies whose success is reflected in his bank balance even to this day. I, on the other hand, can still be undone by the kind of ridiculous sentimentality that would see me sacrifice anything, anything, in order to have the three matching red-headed cards of Fleet Street, Trafalgar Square and The Strand sitting tidily together on my side of the board. ~ Danielle Wood

He is either a pompous ass or helplessly in love with you,' she told me, 'and, from the way you did not colour when you mentioned him, I should say the former. Oh, how disappointing. I had hoped he would have made you his mistress by now. How I could have entertained my tea-circle with that story. But do not worry, I shall anyway. ~ M. R. C. Kasasian

Humor must be one of the chief attributes of God. Plants and animals that are distinctly humorous in form and characteristics are God's jokes. ~ Mark Twain

I have a "Do Not Disturb" sign on my hotel door. It's time to go to "Don't Disturb". It's been "Do Not" for too long. We should embrace the contraction. ~ Mitch Hedberg

A baseball club for girls? ~ Emily J. Proctor

My mother was a very elegant woman. When a flying saucer landed on the lawn, she turned it over to see if it was Wedgwood. ~ Joan Rivers

He has artistry," he repeated. "Because that's what it takes to blow things up. And cook his arm. ~ Tamora Pierce

Fortunately, among werewolf women, the word "bitch" is not offensive. I was having a lot of fun with that.
"Hey there, bitches!" I called as I came through the door. "What are my favorite bitches up to today? ~ Molly Harper

... It's not that you don't have the capacity to accept the truth. You don't want to accept it, and you hide behind your own logic and intelligence while the truth marches by. Step out and join it, for goodness' sake! Shout it out in full step! I believe! ~ Ted Dekker

A lot of people have it in for me. It's practically a school sport. ~ Nenia Campbell

In a totally sane society, madness is the only freedom. ~ J.G. Ballard

...where there was nature and earth, life and water, I saw a desert landscape that was unending, resembling some sort of crater, so devoid of reason and light and spirit that the mind could not grasp it on any sort of conscious level and if you came close the mind would reel backward, unable to take it in. It was a vision so clear and real and vital to me that in its purity it was almost abstract. This was what I could understand, this was how I lived my life, what I constructed my movement around, how I dealt with the tangible. This was the geography around which my reality revolved: it did not occur to me, ever, that people were good or that a man was capable of change or that the world could be a better place through one's taking pleasure in a feeling or a look or a gesture, of receiving another person's love or kindness. Nothing was affirmative, the term "generosity of spirit" applied to nothing, was a cliche, was some kind of bad joke. Sex is mathematics. Individuality no longer an issue. What does intelligence signify? Define reason. Desire - meaningless. Intellect is not a cure. Justice is dead. Fear, recrimination, innocence, sympathy, guilt, waste, failure, grief, were things, emotions, that no one really felt anymore. Reflection is useless, the world is senseless. Evil is its only permanence. God is not alive. Love cannot be trusted. Surface, surface, surface was all that anyone found meaning in... this was civilization as I saw it, colossal and jagged... ~ Bret Easton Ellis

Don't bore the universe. ~ Anas Khan (Tech Savvy)

This is my knife. It is very sharp and very eager to hurt you. ~ Lemony Snicket

When all by myself, I can think of all kinds of clever remarks, quick comebacks to what no one said, and flashes of witty sociability with nobody. But all of this vanishes when I face someone in the flesh: I lose my intelligence, I can no longer speak, and after half an hour I just feel tired. Talking to people makes me feel like sleeping. Only my ghostly and imaginary friends, only the conversations I have in my dreams, are genuinely real and substantial. ~ Fernando Pessoa

Any education that doesn't allow you to think freely is not an education but a prison. ~ Debasish Mridha

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax - tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough. ~ Pearl Williams

But before any of the small appliances who may be listening to this tale should begin to think that they might do the same thing, let them be warned: ELECTRICITY IS VERY DANGEROUS. Never play with old batteries! Never put your plug in a strange socket! And if you are in any doubt about the voltage of the current where you are living, ask a major appliance. ~ Thomas M. Disch

I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening. ~ George Carlin

Love is like encountering a forest and having to chop down every tree but one. Oh, and you have to chop down each tree by hugging it until it falls. ~ Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Anyway, it's unthinkable! Dragons and knights are born enemies. They need to be enemies just like dogs hate cats, cats hate mice and mice hate scientists. Without somebody to hate where would all the hate go? The hate would just boil up inside you, eat away and cause you to have indigestion then a heart attack. We need to release the anger, and we release it on dragons who release it back on us. We slay them and they roast us. It is the natural order of things, Emma. ~ Elias Zapple

So Henry," Puck said as he kicked off his shoes and propped his smelly feet on the kitchen table. "I was wondering what you can tell me about puberty."
Henry turned pale and stammered.
Sabrina wanted to crawl under the table and die. ~ Michael Buckley

You are the devil to talk to, Rachel," he said curtly. "Will you shut up and listen? ~ Kim Harrison

Spooky Twisties:

All things Spooky, here begin
They lay and wait, in books within.
They sometimes pass, in open space.
Then leave and go, without a trace.
Some appear on the spot.
Some we know, others not.
Sometimes we are afraid to say,
"leave us now", or beg to stay.
At times they leave a sign beyond,
A gentle breeze, or note from song.
Be not afraid, to read story's close.
For in the dark, your spirit goes. ~ Terri Bertha

Soviet-style communism failed, not because it was intrinsically evil, but because it was flawed. It allowed too few people to usurp too much power. Twenty-first century market capitalism, American-style, will fail for the same reasons. Both are edifices constructed by human intelligence, undone by human nature. ~ Arundhati Roy

Such a mad marriage never was before. ~ William Shakespeare

He moved to sniff some white-and-yellow flowers.
A nightmare. This was a nightmare. "You can't really like flowers."
Again those dark eyes shifted to her. Blinked once.
I most certainly do, he seemed to say. ~ Sarah J. Maas

Anyone who is honestly trying to be a Christian will soon find his intelligence being sharpened: one of the reasons why it needs no special education to be a Christian is that Christianity is an education itself. That is why an uneducated believer like Bunyan was able to write a book that has astonished the whole world. ~ C.S. Lewis

Yeah, well. If you're staying here in hopes of making out with Alaska, I sure wish you wouldn't. If you unmoor her from the rock that is Jake, God have mercy on us all. That would be some drama, indeed. And as a rule, I like to avoid drama."
"It's not because I want to make out with her."
"Hold on." He grabbed a pencil and scrawled excitedly at the paper as if he'd just made a mathematical breakthrough and then looked back up at me. "I just did some calculations, and I've been able to determine that you're full of shit." And he was right. ~ John Green

She had fat fingered the sext! It was beyond awkward. Frantically, she typed in an apology, "Ned, meant to send boob photo to someone else. So sorry. Nice ass. ~ Samantha Bohrman

We ain't going to curse anyone," said Granny firmly. "It hardly ever works if they don't know you've done it. ~ Terry Pratchett