Humor Jazz Quotes

Jazz isn't dead. It just smells funny. ~ Frank Zappa

Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don't think so ... retired mermaids. ~ Milton Jones

Well, fame is a drug and when you take it away from an addict, things can get ugly. ~ Melissa Jo Peltier

I actually grew fond of her in a nastily superior kind of way. For she was so completely artless and optimistic and clueless, she didn't care that she smelled bad or was fat or wore clothes unlike everyone else's, she had some weird disconnect with life that kept her constantly bubbling, and you knew she would go blithely through her long horribly boring life thinking every thing was just swell (the opposite of me). ~ Peter Cameron

The pollen count, now that's a difficult job. Especially if you've got hay fever. ~ Milton Jones

I'm a born-again atheist. ~ Gore Vidal

Halt! We are attempting an arrest!"

"Yeah, we're aware," Quinn muttered under her breath. ~ Ash Gray

The only ironic thing about that song is that it's called 'Ironic' and it is written by a woman who doesn't know what irony is. That's quite ironic when you think about it.

(on Alanis Morissette's 'Ironic') ~ Ed Byrne

There's no future without the past and anybody who doesn't really understand where jazz has come from has no right to try to direct where it's going. ~ Cannonball Adderley

I love having to attend the one class that is being taught by a professor who feels that their class is the only class being taught at the University and gives nothing but busy work. ~ Heather Chapple

No, no, no. There's no such thing as cheap and cheerful. It's cheap and nasty & expensive and cheerful. ~ Jeremy Clarkson

The more she turned right the more I turned wrong. ~ Mark W. Boyer

Finally, Jace suspects it's a bad sign that he is referring to himself in the third person. ~ Swati Avasthi

Life is an adventure! So live it up! ~ L.M. Preston

Go out, get wasted, bang a bimbo. ~ Natasha Anders

On a scale of one to ten, I'd say you rate a one. If the Porta-Potties are ten. ~ Carolyn Crane

Mom hopped up to turn off the burner, but it subsided before she got there. 'If this--whatever it is--starts playing with fire,' she said through clenched teeth, 'I'm going to give it a spanking. ~ Ann Hodgman

Billy Almon has all of his in-laws and outlaws here this afternoon. ~ Jerry Coleman

I'm not worthy of you or your Omega awesomeness. ~ James Ponti

So you see, you have nothing to be afraid of.
Oh no, thought Otto, just squads of hired goons wandering around with experimental energy weapons. Nothing to be afraid of at all. ~ Mark Walden

Granny Weatherwax was not a good loser. From her point of view, losing was something that happened to other people. ~ Terry Pratchett

You are not angry with people when you laugh at them. Humor teaches tolerance. ~ W. Somerset Maugham

Without hesitation but with a sense of entitlement, he lifted my hand to his lips. He was gentlemen-like in every way ... I don't know why I wondered if it was an act or for real. ~ Laura Albright

He clenched his small fist, bellowed his rage to the heavens, and resolved to never again recognize the authority of any man on earth. ~ Patricia Lockwood

I don't like to think of it as 'stolen'. They have no proof that I didn't plan on giving it back."
"You're kidding, right?"
He shrugged. "You have no proof either."
She squinted back at him. "Were you planning on giving it back?"
"Maybe."
An orange light blinked on in the corner of Cinder's vision-her cyborg programming picking up on the lie. ~ Marissa Meyer

I don't know it is that I always feel that other people can create things but that I can't. I imagine it's simpler living in remote tribes or communities where one is obliged to have a go or else you have to do without. I suppose it is fear of failure in an age where political correctness is trying to erase the word 'failure' from the language. It's OK to fail isn't it, but only if you've tried? What is so bizarre is that when one does try, one rarely falls short. Obviously some people do things better than others but if it gives you pleasure, then so what? As my grandmother used to say, 'patience and perseverance made a bishop of his reverence!' So don't say you can't make candles or soap or that you can't spin or weave until you've tried it. As for mending, well, if you're not throwing everything away, then you have no option but to make do and mend. After all, the only way to get rid of shopping malls and supermarkets with their food miles is for people not to shop in those places and the way to cure this mercenary mercantile world is to make your own things. ~ Clarissa Dickson Wright

For now, we assume that self-evolving robots will learn to mimic human traits, including, eventually, humor. And so, I can't wait to hear the first joke that one robot tells to another robot. ~ Lance Morrow

Don't fear change. Just fear everything and everyone else. ~ Jesse Petersen

I hope to-morrow will be a fine day, Lane.
It never is, sir.
Lane, you're a perfect pessimist.
I do my best to give satisfaction, sir. ~ Oscar Wilde

Apathy? Apathy? I don't care about apathy. ~ Ana Pattacini

But sometimes it takes only a photograph and a sentence to make an author cry himself to sleep even years after the photograph was taken. ~ Lemony Snicket

There's never a good time to tell someone that you don't really exist. ~ Philip Ardagh

We have always had gross humor. But we try for funny, not gross. ~ Shawn Wayans

My say is this: when you live in a worldwide bullring, bullshit is what you'll get. If they say I cannot be my mother's son, then it must be that I'm her daughter. ~ A. Igoni Barrett

Ask Gandhi, and eye for an eye makes us both blind ... ask an engineer, and the numbers don't lie - the first to strike wins. ~ Steven Ivy Attorney Entrepreneur

An empty skull is the vanitas symbol of modern education. ~ Bauvard

But once I'd come up with it, I realized it really was the perfect plan. Instead of waiting for Maria to come to me, I was simply going to go to her and, well ...
Send her back to where she came.
Or reduce her to a mound of quivering gelatinous goo. Whichever came first. ~ Meg Cabot

I was quite a looker in my time," she said. Was she reading his mind, or only being smart, to know she must be hideous?
"Oh, had they invented time as long ago as that? ~ Gregory Maguire

I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who has AIDS?". He says, "No". I say, "Cool, because you know me." ~ Mitch Hedberg

They were really getting quite fond of their strange pet and hoped that Aslan would allow them to keep it. The cleverer ones were quite sure by now that at least some of the noises which came out of his mouth had a meaning. They christened him Brandy because he made that noise so often. ~ C.S. Lewis

Mitchell sanders was sitting under a banyan tree and using a thumbnail to pry off all the body lice, working slowly, carefully depositing them in a USO envelope. When he was done he sealed the envelope, wrote 'Free' in the right hand corner, and sent it to his draft board in ohio. ~ Tim O'Brien

Oh, storms. That was awful."
"No it was funny. You seem to get those two mixed up a lot. Don't worry. I'm here to help. ~ Brandon Sanderson

I may be crazy, but that doesn't mean I'm wrong. I'm mad but not ill. ~ Gregory Hill