Funny Smoking Quotes

Ods me I marle what pleasure or felicity they have in taking their roguish tobacco. It is good for nothing but to choke a man, and fill him full of smoke and embers. ~ Ben Jonson

I want all hellions to quit puffing that hell fume in God's clean air. ~ Carry Nation

Aven, I have given up smoking again! ... God! I feel fit. Homicidal, but fit. A different man. Irritable, moody, depressed, rude, nervy, perhaps; but the lungs are fine. ~ A.P. Herbert

There's a lot of people who, a cigarette is about the only vacation they have. ~ Trey Parker

The believing we do something when we do nothing is the first illusion of tobacco. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

The public health authorities never mention the main reason many Americans have for smoking heavily, which is that smoking is a fairly sure, fairly honorable form of suicide. ~ Kurt Vonnegut

I tried to stop smoking cigarettes by telling myself I just didn't want to smoke, but I didn't believe myself ~ Barbara Kelly

To smoke or not to smoke: I can make of either a life-work. ~ Mignon McLaughlin

I DON'T smoke anymore, except on National No Smoking Day as a protest against those who want to control our lives. ~ Richard Littlejohn

If I had taken my doctor's advice and quit smoking when he advised me to, I wouldn't have lived to go to his funeral. ~ George Burns

There's something luxurious about having a girl light your cigarette. In fact, I got married once on account of that. ~ Harold Robbins

You hardly know me and yet you invited me out on a date,' said Miss Dearheart. 'Why?'

Because you called me a phoney, Moist thought. You saw through me straight away. Because you didn't nail my head to the door with your crossbow. Because you have no small talk. Because I'd like to get to know you better, even though it would be like smooching an ashtray. Because I wonder if you could put into the rest of your life the passion you put into smoking a cigarette. In defiance of Miss Maccalariat I'd like to commit hanky-panky with you, Miss Adora Belle Dearheart… well, certainly hanky, and possibly panky when we get to know one another better. I'd like to know as much about your soul as you know about mine…

He said: 'Because I hardly know you.'

'If it comes to that, I hardly know you, either,' said Miss Dearheart.

'I'm rather banking on that,' said Moist. This got a smile.

'Smooth answer. Slick. Where are we really eating tonight? ~ Terry Pratchett

This is the final book about Brian ~ Gary Paulsen

If the laws could speak for themselves, they would complain of the lawyers. ~ George Savile

Your audience teaches you how to be funny. ~ Woody Allen

Leaving knots untied and scattering seeds to distract them will only work on vampires with OCD. ~ Molly Harper

I know what you mean. I usually take it out on my older sister. You can lease her for a weekend or something if you need a psychological punching bag. I'll even give you a discount. ~ Hayden Thorne

Dasha introduced Alexander to Marina. They shook hands and both stared at each other for longer than was appropriate. Marina, embarrassed, stepped away, averting her gaze. Alexander smiled, putting his arm around Dasha. "Dasha," he said, "so this is your cousin Marina." Tatiana wanted to shake her head at him, while a perplexed Marina remained speechless. Later on in the kitchen, Marina said to Tatiana, "Tania, why did Dasha's Alexander look at me as if he knew me?" "I have no idea." "He is adorable." "You think so?" said Dasha, who was heading past the girls to the bathroom, leaving Alexander in the corridor. "Well, keep your hands off him," she added cheerfully. "He's mine." "Don't you think?" Marina whispered to Tatiana. "He's all right," said Tatiana. "Help me wash this frying pan, will you?" Adorable Alexander stood in the doorway, smoking and grinning at Tatiana. ~ Paullina Simons

The dog is dressed just like me at the climax of my act. ~ Gypsy Rose Lee

We get nose jobs all the time in the NHL, and we don't even have to go to the hospital. ~ Brad Park

He flipped himself onto his side and kissed me. "You're so hot," I said, my hand still on his leg.
"I'm starting to think you have an amputee fetish," he answered, still kissing me. I laughed.
"I have an Augustus Waters fetish," I explained. ~ John Green

I've noticed a funny thing about people who are over-weight. They spend all their time thinking about food -except when they're actually eating it ~ Paul McKenna

I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet. ~ Doug Stanhope

I like it when you reach into a vending machine to grab your candy bar, and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up? That's a good invention. Before that, it was hard times for the vending machine owners. "Yeah, what candy bar are you getting?" "That one, and every one on the bottom row!" ~ Mitch Hedberg

The old - like children - talk to themselves, for they have reached that hopeless wisdom of experience which knows that though one were to cry it in the streets to multitudes, or whisper it in the kiss to one's beloved, the only ears that can ever hear one's secrets are one's own! ~ Eugene O'Neill

I'm pretty sure my stomach has a sliver in it from rubbing up against my backbone, so back off, bitch. ~ H.J. Bellus

They know you can't get people to stop smoking, so they develop a system of informants. That's the whole idea of second-hand smoke, you know. Make second-hand smoke dangerous and turn everybody against smokers. Then they say you can't even smoke in a bar
a bar!
because bartenders have a right to a smoke-free "workspace." Ah, bartenders, those health nuts ... ~ Fran Lebowitz

Because he sounded so lost-the Eric I knew had never been one to do anything other than assume others should serve him-I patted around under the covers for his hand. When I found it, I slid my own over it. His palm was turned up to meet my palm, and his fingers clasped mine. And though I would not have thought it possible to go to sleep holding hands with a vampire, that's exactly what I did. ~ Charlaine Harris

I don't have any drug stories to tell about myself. Once somebody met me on the street when my quartet was going into Slug's […] he said something about getting high and I said, "Yeah – on the music". For me, it's hard to understand why a musician needs more than the music. When I went to Europe the first time with Charles Lloyd, after the first or second set there were people coming up to Charles asking him if there was anything they could do for me!Because to them I seemed so crazy that I must be on something! "What can we do for Keith, we'd really want to help him, he looks so far gone!" But I wasn't drinking, smoking, taking any drugs… I never have taken drugs… no interest in it". ~ Ian Carr

Oh my God! Stop eating that!"
"Your trail mix tastes funny," Trevor said with a cringe.
"That wasn't trail mix, you bastard! That was potpourri!"
"Well, that explains a lot," he said, giving her a sheepish smile as he returned the large wooden bowl back to the side table. She didn't need to look to know that he'd already eaten half the bowl of potpourri. She didn't even bother asking him what the hell was wrong with him since she knew the answer.
The man was a Bradford.
Enough said. ~ R.L. Mathewson

Cram nailed his colours to the mast and threw down the Great Pretender ~ Ron Pickering

The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't. ~ Douglas Adams

I will probably have sex with Eminem after the show is over. Probably, I dont see why I wouldnt. Im fair game, its not like Im that picky, youve seen the guys Ive dated. I like Swizz Beatz, just because I would like to yell out in bed, Swizz Beatz! Keep it coming! ~ Chelsea Handler

People who act like jerks remind me of jerky. Tasty, and yet nobody talks about them. Or in most cases, taste completely terrible. ~ BlackStar103

No laws: to break, or to follow. Do anything you want. Which does funny things to you. Very quickly, surprisingly quickly, you become-" [ ... ] "exactly who you are. ~ Samuel R. Delany

When Martina is tense it helps her relax. ~ Dan Maskell

Last semester was intense," I said to Dad.

"Intense?" he echoed, picking up my file. "Let's see. On your first day at Hecate, you were attacked by a werewolf. You insulted a teacher, which resulted in semester-long cellar duty with one Archer Cross. According to the notes, the two of you became 'close.' Apparently close enough for you to see the mark of L'Occhio di Dio on his chest.

I flushed at that, and felt Mom's arm tighten around me. Over the past six months, I'd filled her in on a lot of the story with Archer, but not all of it.

Specifically, the whole me-making-out-in-the-cellar-with-a-murderous-warlock-working-with-the-Eye-part. ~ Rachel Hawkins

I first had a version of this at a Japanese monastery during a silent retreat-don't ask, it's a long story. ~ Gwyneth Paltrow

Since the goal of my programs is to show audiences how humor can both help them heal as well as deal with not-so-funny stuff, I decided to discuss the events of the previous week, the pain all of us were feeling, and how humor and some laughter might be beneficial. ~ Allen Klein

For Padilla the shared act of smoking was basically a staging of loneliness: the tough guys, the talkers, the quick to forget and the long to remember, lost themselves for an instant, the length of time it took the cigarette to burn, an instant in which time was frozen and yet all times in Spanish history were concentrated, all the cruelty and the broken dreams, and in that "night of the soul" the smokers recognized each other, unsurprised, and embraced. The spirals of smoke were the embrace. ~ Roberto Bolano

When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.' ~ Steven Wright

It was unbelievable. She was standing there, staring at him like he was a real rock star. ~ Kami Garcia

A funny yet interesting read, Will Self knowa his stuff and must do a lot of deep research. ~ Will Self

It's alive and well everywhere. Native Americans get a lot of crap in the West and south west. Muslims get treated like crap in just about every country in the Western world lately. Black people are mistreated in some parts of the US still. There are black people who are racist against white people. I've recently encountered someone who decided they couldn't tolerate my presence because I'm catholic, which according them makes me a pedophile, Satan worshipper and a whore.

I've even encountered discrimination from people over seas for being American. Especially with my cousin's friends from England. They were rude to me the entire visit. They thought that I had to be an ignorant, xenophobic, racist slob just because I was from America and they spent most of the time trying to pick a fight with me to prove it.

Racism exists, but don't take the comments you read online seriously. A good 80-90% of those are trolls looking for attention or a bored teenager who thinks it's funny to be an idiot. ~ Kathryn Stockett

She'd been seconds away from kissing the man… no, throttling him, for his sheer audacity. "You expect me to bat my eyes and thrust my tits into some hairy creature's face and then run away like a giggling simpleton?"
"They only have the one eye under all that hair, and their eyesight is notoriously bad, so you can probably just keep your… tits where they are. ~ Jane Cousins

Did you want to change into something more comfortable?" Adrian asks with a raise in his eyebrows, breaking me out of my train of thought, but not away from naughty thoughts.

I smack his knee. "I'm comfortable, but I know you're not." He doesn't mind dressing up, but on most days I see him in casual clothes like screen-printed tees and hoodies.

"You're right," he says, tapping my knee lightly, standing up. As he walks toward the hallway, he slips his shirt off the rest of the way. I can't look away from the sight, even if it is only from the back. Damn. What is happening to me? Have I gone mad?

Before I can tear my eyes away from him, he turns around. Judging by the look in his eyes, I've been caught. I have so been caught. Damn again. I didn't want him to see me practically drooling. It's too late for that now.

He smirks. "You know, I could spend the rest of the night just like this." He places a hand to the hard muscles of his chest.

I clear my throat, trying really hard not to imagine my hand in place of his, and say, "If I'm wearing clothes, you're wearing clothes."

"So if I'm not wearing clothes..." I grab a coaster from the coffee table and fling it at him. He catches it in his hand. "Just remember, all you have to do is say otherwise. ~ Lilly Avalon

You have to work at it if you want to be a good smoker. Especially today with all the non-smoking world constantly harassing you. ~ Kinky Friedman

'Saturday Night Live' was like a university for funny. ~ Tracy Morgan

When my father first came home from college, he sat my grandparents down to tell them some very serious news. They followed him quizzically into the living room, and from the bantam couch stared up at their nervous, pacing son.
"I'm gay," he announced.
They sat stunned for a moment, and just as his mother started to cry he said,
"Just kidding. I smoke. ~ Sarah Silverman

How are you feeling?"
"Like I fell out a burning building onto pavement, you?" I grumbled.
"Like I was pushed out of a burning building by a maniac," she retorted, a small smile playing across her face. ~ R.R. Virdi

I'd love to do a really juicy drama that's just really real. On the comedy side, I'd love to do something like '21 Jump Street.' I cannot stop watching that movie. Really funny, really extreme comedies are definitely my favorite. ~ Daniela Bobadilla

I gave my heart to the Lord, and I remember the incident vividly. The Lord spoke to me. I know that sounds funny. It was not an audible voice or anything of that nature. ~ Jimmy Swaggart

There was a knock on our dressing-room door. Our manager shouted, 'Keith! Ron! The Police are here!' Oh, man, we panicked, flushed everything down the john. Then the door opened and it was Stewart Copeland and Sting. ~ Keith Richards