A.P. Herbert Famous Quotes
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The critical period of matrimony is breakfast-time.
Let's stop somebody from doing something! Everybody does too much.
Don't let's go to the dogs tonight, For mother will be there.
Elderly gentlemen, gentle in all respects, kind to animals, beloved by children, and fond of music, are found in lonely corners of the downs, hacking at sandpits or tussocks of grass, and muttering in a blind, ungovernable fury elaborate maledictions which could not be extracted from them by robbery or murder. Men who would face torture without a word become blasphemous at the short fourteenth. It is clear that the game of golf may well be included in that category of intolerable provocations which may legally excuse or mitigate behavior not otherwise excusable.
The portions of a woman which appeal to man's depravity Are constructed with considerable care.
Aven, I have given up smoking again! ... God! I feel fit. Homicidal, but fit. A different man. Irritable, moody, depressed, rude, nervy, perhaps; but the lungs are fine.
This high official, all allow, is grossly overpaid; there wasn't any Board, and now there isn't any Trade.
Justice should be cheap but judges expensive.
The Common Law of England has been laboriously built about a mythical figure-the figure of 'The Reasonable Man'.
A dull speaker, like a plain woman, is credited with all the virtues, for we charitably suppose that a surface so unattractive must be compensated by interior blessings.
At the Theatre: To the Lady Behind Me
Dear Madam, you have seen this play;
I never saw it till today.
You know the details of the plot,
But, let me tell you, I do not.
The author seeks to keep from me
The murderer's identity,
And you are not a friend of his
If you keep shouting who it is.
The actors in their funny way
Have several funny things to say,
But they do not amuse me more
If you have said them just before;
The merit of the drama lies,
I understand, in some surprise;
But the surprise must now be small
Since you have just foretold it all.
The lady you have brought with you
Is, I infer, a half-wit too,
But I can understand the piece
Without assistance from your niece.
In short, foul woman, it would suit
Me just as well if you were mute;
In fact, to make my meaning plain,
I trust you will not speak again.
And - may I add one human touch? -
Don't breathe upon my neck so much.
A man who has made up his mind on a given subject twenty-five years ago and continues to hold his political opinions after he has been proved to be wrong is a man of principle; while he who from time to time adapts his opinions to the changing circumstances of life is an opportunist.
Men who would face torture without a word become blasphemous at the short fourteenth. It is clear that the game of golf may well be included in that category of intolerable provocations which may legally excuse or mitigate behaviour not otherwise excusable.
An act of God was defined as something which no reasonable man could have expected.
The conception of two people living together for twenty-five years without having a cross word suggests a lack of spirit only to be admired in sheep
People must not do things for fun. We are not here for fun. There is no reference to fun in any Act of Parliament.
As my poor father used to say In 1963, Once people start on all this Art Goodbye, moralitee! And what my father used to say Is good enough for me.
Greenfly, it's difficult to see Why God, who made the rose, made thee.
The Englishman never enjoys himself except for a noble purpose.
For I must write to The Times tonight, and save the world from sin.
My ball is in a bunch of fern, A jolly place to be; An angry man is close astern- He waves his club at me. Well, let him wave-the sky is blue; Go on, old ball, we are but two-We may be down in three, Or nine-or ten-or twenty-five-It matters not; to be alive, Is good enough for me.
Citizens who take it upon themselves to do unusual actions which attract the attention of the police should be careful to bring these actions into one of the recognized categories of crimes and offences, for it is intolerable that the police should be put to the pains of inventing reasons for finding them undesirable.
The essence of humour is surprise; that is why you laugh when you see a joke in Punch.
