Funny Tennis Quotes

Zivojinovic seems to be able to pull the big bullet out of the top drawer ~ Mike Ingham

Monica Seles: I'd hate to be next door to her on her wedding night. ~ Peter Ustinov

It's quite clear that Virginia Wade is thriving on the pressure now that the pressure on her to do well is off . ~ Harry Carpenter

It's a lot of bling to play with. You got to have the bling. ~ Serena Williams

These ball boys are marvellous. You don't even notice them. There's a left handed one over there. I noticed him earlier . ~ Max Robertson

The serve was invented so that the net could play. ~ Bill Cosby

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. ~ Mitch Hedberg

When Martina is tense it helps her relax. ~ Dan Maskell

The Gullikson twins here. An interesting pair, both from Wisconsin. ~ Dan Maskell

I think how tan a person is, is directly proportionate to how dumb they are. ~ Natasha Leggero

ROTHKO: (Explodes) 'Pretty.' 'Beautiful.' 'Nice.' 'Fine.' That's our life now! Everything's 'fine'. We put on the funny nose and glasses and slip on the banana peel and the TV makes everything happy and everyone's laughing all the time, it's all so goddamn funny, it's our constitutional right to be amused all the time, isn't it? We're a smirking nation, living under the tyranny of 'fine.' How are you? Fine.. How was your day? Fine. How are you feeling? Fine. How did you like the painting? Fine. What some dinner? Fine ... Well, let me tell you, everything is not fine!!
HOW ARE YOU?! ... HOW WAS YOUR DAY?! ... HOW ARE YOU FEELING? Conflicted. Nuanced. Troubled. Diseased. Doomed. I am not fine. We are not fine. We are anything but fine. ~ John Logan

That's right, you get him, Mary. Don't let him change the subject! ~ Alexandra Bracken

Funny thing about fear. When you cling to it, the fear grows exponentially, a monster morphing into a suffocating mass. But when you face it head-on, conquering the beast before it swallows you whole, you find there was nothing there to fear at all. The chains break, and the whole world feels lighter than ever before. ~ Juliette Cross

Hammond turned to Gennaro. "You know, of course, what Dr. Grant and Dr. Sattler do. They are paleontologists. They dig up dinosaurs." And then he began to laugh, as if he found the idea very funny. ~ Michael Crichton

Spensa, I hear no more footfalls. Have you temporary stopped being bipedal? ~ Brandon Sanderson

Too many writers get stuck in the trap of writing what they think is funny and not considering who they are writing it for. ~ Robin Thede

You take I-55 south, and you'll run into I-20. Or you could take ... "
I was about to be overloaded with information. "Oh that sounds just perfect. Let me do just that, or I'll lose track."
Sure, glad I could help."
Oh, you surely did."
We beamed at each other, just two nice women. I had to fight an impulse to say "I have a tortured vampire in my trunk," out of sheer giddiness. ~ Charlaine Harris

I had spent many years before I was 31 hearing people tell me, Oh Man, you're so funny, you need to be in television. But that and a quarter won't get you on a bus. ~ Chi McBride

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to. ~ Henny Youngman

Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it? ~ Mark Twain

College seems like a pretty expensive way to become an alcoholic. ~ Natasha Leggero

I don't get a chance to be funny with the thrillers. I like to be funny, and I think I am really funny. So with 'Middle School: The Worst Years of My Life', it was fun to let loose. ~ James Patterson

What was that bit about fish sticks?" he asked, climbing back into the SUV.
"Oh, pretty clever of her actually, though I thought it ridiculous at the time. Sometimes Mom gets paranoid, thinks people might be out to get her, out to get me." I laughed nervously at how close that hit to home. "Anyway, one night she was really freaked out and came up with a code. If I was ever
kidnapped or something, she would say something about me liking fish sticks. If I said I wanted fish sticks, that meant I was in danger and needed help, no matter what else I'd said to her that I was fine." "So by you saying you hate fish sticks…""She knows I'm fine and she doesn't need to further involve the police. Who says bipolar disorder can't be useful? ~ Christina Garner

Six minutes isn't sex," I hear him
saying as my eyes crash shut. "Six
minutes is a boiled egg. ~ Sophie Kinsella

When you struggle with your partner, you are struggling with yourself. Every fault you see in them touches a denied weakness in yourself. ~ Deepak Chopra

I used to be jealous; I'm not jealous anymore. And a miracle happened to me, because if you're jealous, it's a cancer, it's a plague on your spirit, it really is. And I actually cured jealousy in a very weird way - I cured it with mathematics. And I'm not a math person at all, but I've been with my wife for about seven years, so we have had sex probably, I'd like to think, like, 9 million times or, at least, 1,500. So, the way I figured it, if she goes out and screws some other guy once - I'm still winning. ~ Marc Maron

Funny thing about the army, they always promise to teach you "marketable skills," but they never mention that, by far, there's nothing more marketable than knowing how to kill some people while keeping others from being killed. ~ Max Brooks

Things like crowns had a troublesome effect on clever folk; it was best to leave all the reigning to the kind of people whose eyebrows met in the middle when they tried to think. In a funny sort of way, they were much better at it. ~ Terry Pratchett

I wish I had only offered you
a sovereign instead of ten pounds. Give me back nine pounds, Jane; I've a use for it.'
'And so have I, sir,' I returned, putting my hands and my purse behind me. 'I could not spare the money on any account.'
'Little niggard!' said he, 'refusing me a pecuniary request! Give me five pounds, Jane.'
'Not five shillings, sir; nor five pence.'
'Just let me look at the cash.'
'No, sir; you are not to be trusted. ~ Charlotte Bronte

Megan looked into Agnes's frightened face. Agnes had been so sharp just a few years back - funny and cutting and wonderfully ribald. ~ Harlan Coben

If she gets the jitters now, then she isn't the great champion that she is. ~ Max Robertson

The elevator shaft was a kind of heat sink. Hot food was cold by the time it arrived. Cold food got colder. No one knew what would happen to ice cream, but it would probably involve some rewriting of the laws of thermodynamics. ~ Terry Pratchett

The sharply precise divisions and boundaries, together with the fact that - wind and your more exotic-type spins aside - balls can be made to travel in straight lines only, make textbook tennis plane geometry. It is billiards with balls that won't hold still. It is chess on the run. It is to artillery and airstrikes what football is to infantry and attrition. ~ David Foster Wallace

I feel the color in my cheeks rising again. I must be the color of The Communist Manifesto. ~ E.L. James

A hundred years ago, it could take you the better part of a year to get from New York to California; whereas today, because of equipment problems at O'Hare, you can't get there at all. ~ Dave Barry

Take your finger out of your nose, Miss Steal. ~ Fanny Merkin

I have always tried to use humor to "help ever" and "hurt never," for I find that to laugh is like swallowing a secret that Santa Claus farted. ~ David Cross

You cannot put a bandaid on insanity. ~ The Paper Doll

I would be scared to go under the knife, but you know, talk to me when I'm 50. I'll try anything. Except I won't do Botox again, because I looked crazy. I looked like Joan Rivers! ~ Gwyneth Paltrow

You walk into the locker room, and you see players with their ripping muscles and stomachs you could wash your clothes in. ~ Jerry Coleman

More you know, better advice you give. Less you know, more advice you give. ~ Gerry Geek

There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches. ~ Frank Carson

Bill Gates is just a monocle and a Persian Cat away from being one of the bad guys in a James Bond movie. ~ Dennis Miller

You know a guy is funny when a week later you can still feel the little knives he stuck in you. ~ Katherine Applegate

It turns out that conservationism can be fun, with the news that the Norwegian red king crab - which weighs in at an impressive full kilo of juicy crabby goodness per shell - must be eaten as much as possible, because it's scoffing all the other fish in Norway. In fact, it would be remiss of all of us if we didn't eat as many of these buggers as we possible can every week because they now provide a genuine ecological threat to fellow marine life. So, c'mon vegetarians. Let's see how much you really care about the environment. ~ Ian O'Doherty

It's hard for a man to turn down sex ... if they chase us, we can't run that fast. ~ Chris Rock

I get a lot of letters - a lot of letters saying, who knew that you were funny? ~ Salman Rushdie

I don't know what I'm doing, but my incompetence has never stopped my enthusiasm. ~ Woody Allen

And if ten percent of men are gay and twenty percent of men are Chinese, what are the odds that a men chosen at random spends his free time and mealtime while on his knees. ~ Bo Burnham

This time I don't want to be my own mother. I make a decision, take the entire bag of chocolate to my bedroom and flip on the light to read a book. Next thing I know, the sun is up, the book is on my chest, there is melted chocolate on my cheek and I have a sugar hangover. I should have listened to the mother me. ~ Andrea Partee

Funny how the new things are the old things. ~ Rudyard Kipling

How is it that food STILL contains calories that make you gain weight in the 21st CENTURY?! It's like scientists aren't even trying! ~ Tanya Masse

Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn't show up on x-rays, but you know it's there. ~ George Burns

Because of this.
Because your funny.
Because you know Lolita.
And Nabukov and James Mason too.
Because you're cute and funny and i'm kind of sad and you haven't tried hitting on me once.
Because you weren't even trying ... ~ Matt Fraction