Dave Attell Jokes Quotes

A joke is a joke, and people put too much meaning behind it. They react to it in the wrong way. I mean, you can boo or laugh, and that's pretty much what you're supposed to do with jokes. You're not supposed to take it any further than that. ~ Dave Attell

I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes. ~ Dave Attell

I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes. ~ Dave Attell

I keep getting these people at my shows who only know me from television. I can always tell when they're, like, emotionally flinching when I start doing my jokes. ~ Dave Attell

Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life. ~ Dave Attell

I found a gray hair one of my testicles the today. No, it wasn't mine, but it's frightening. ~ Dave Attell

Have you seen that magazine Barely Legal? That means when you look at it, you're almost a pedophile. ~ Dave Attell

Jesse Joyce is a great writer. ~ Dave Attell

I wanna get a little drunk, but I also want some pancakes. ~ Dave Attell

I never wanted to be famous. ~ Dave Attell

Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family. ~ Dave Attell

Doesn't matter what you say or do; people can always find a way to call you a dick. ~ Dave Attell

I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials. ~ Dave Attell

If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book. ~ Dave Attell

I have a lot of pot tendencies. I'm always late, I laugh for no reason, I watch Jeopardy! with the sound off and make up my own questions. ~ Dave Attell

I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading 'Ta-Da!' magazine; a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's a different story. ~ Dave Attell

Being on the road is kind of lonely. ~ Dave Attell

I have no grand scheme. ~ Dave Attell

Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here's mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick her in the throat. ~ Dave Attell

Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno! ~ Dave Attell

You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had? ~ Dave Attell

Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight. ~ Dave Attell

I don't think I'm a star or a celebrity or any thing like that. ~ Dave Attell

Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas. ~ Dave Attell

Here's a tip: never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there's someone right behind you. ~ Dave Attell

I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming No, that's not what I said! ~ Dave Attell

For me, Molly Hatchet is high school. It makes me feel like I have hair and a future. ~ Dave Attell

Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Pre-mature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before. ~ Dave Attell

I don't watch reality TV. ~ Dave Attell

She was drunk so I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out. ~ Dave Attell

I don't watch reality TV. I'm cool. ~ Dave Attell

You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation. ~ Dave Attell

I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't wanna go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so ... I'm not kiddin! ~ Dave Attell

Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away. ~ Dave Attell

When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me. ~ Dave Attell

If I had a kid, I'd give him a name that would make everyone would want to say his name. I'd call him, Pizza-Pussy-Santa. I would! Cause everybody likes one of those things. ~ Dave Attell

My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I'll tell you ladies: it's amazing. ~ Dave Attell

I'm not the comic of the generation, I'm not even the funniest guy in my family. ~ Dave Attell

I don't mind a crowd's not laughing; it's the groans that slow down the show. ~ Dave Attell

I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me. ~ Dave Attell

Never drink alone, that's what they say. But you know what? If you drink you will never be alone, alright? ~ Dave Attell

My day jobs ... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn't really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs. ~ Dave Attell

Men are having sex with animals and we wonder why the animals attack us. And I'll tell you why: it's cuz of that one sick man, and it's up to me and a half-mexican to stop him. ~ Dave Attell

I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on. ~ Dave Attell

Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape. ~ Dave Attell

You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? Because on Jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants. ~ Dave Attell

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school! ~ Dave Attell

It's a horrible economy but I'm trying to do my part. I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the presidents on it. Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with all the presidents staring at you? And when the water hits them it looks like they're crying. ~ Dave Attell

If I was to have sex with one animal it would be a horse. That is a beautiful animal. And when you have sex with a horse, you know you always have a ride home. ~ Dave Attell

Sometimes. I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous. I'm pretty low on the showbiz totem pole - I mean, I'm no Jon or Kate plus eight. I'm just a comic, not a baby factory. ~ Dave Attell

You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. "Land mine '69." You see a guy with one arm, he's got a story, too. "Snow blower, bottle of whiskey." You see a guy with one tooth, what would the story be? "Well, uh, I like a lot of taffy." ~ Dave Attell

Things have been invented because of alcohol. Like the taser, okay? Yeah! The morning after pill, okay? The reach-around. Judge Judy. What has pot given the world? Hackey sack? YEAH! Hilarious ring tones? OH GAH! Ultimate Frisbee Championships? It sucks to be a champion at a sport that can't get you laid. It's an unneeded skill like, I dunno, being the best banjo player. Or a squirter. ~ Dave Attell

I love Fear Factor, but I think they're running out of fears. It's only a matter of time before they're sitting around doing shots of Hepatitis C. ~ Dave Attell

Next time your lady leaves the room, take a dump on the floor! 'Cuz there is nothing more mysterious than a dump on the floor! And it always starts a conversation, am I right? Honey, what happened? You better hold me 'cause I'm afraid. ~ Dave Attell

Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories; kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100; diapering your monkey, 35 calories; laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories; catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings. ~ Dave Attell

The more Discovery Channel you watch, the less chance you have of ever meeting a woman. Because it fills your head with odd facts that can come out at any moment. "Hello. Did you know Hitler was ticklish? That sea otters have four nipples? Wait - don't run away!" ~ Dave Attell

For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don't know what happened to them. That's the crowd that I like, the ones that don't get so offended just to be offended. ~ Dave Attell

I'm sorry, was that homophobic? No-I think it was, 'cause I hear that a lot. Dave, What?, You're talking about being gay. You probably secretly are gay. And I'm like listen voice in my head, I'm not! HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? I know I wouldn't like it, other scarier voice in my head! Cause one time while making a sandwich, a cucumber went up my ass. Three times. ~ Dave Attell

Capital punishment, that thing scares me, it really does. I was talking to my friend about the electric chair, and he starts freakin' out. He's like 'the electric chair? That's too good for these people. That's too good for them'. Alright, how do we make the electric chair worse? How about this? They have to pedal a car battery to their own head. Is that ok? Is that enough, Mr. Hitler? ~ Dave Attell

After a while, a joke, if you say it too much, just becomes contrived, or fake-sounding. ~ Dave Chappelle

You don't have to think really hard to get the joke. I think humor in general appeals to all people. ~ Dave Barry

There are two kinds of jokes - funny jokes and Jack Benny jokes. ~ Fred Allen

I stumbled into this format for 'Last Call with Carson Daly' that I really like, inspired by cable and Dave Attell's 'Insomniac.' I love being out on the street. ~ Carson Daly

We could end up with the world's first Mr and Mrs Dave and Dave Gorman-Gorman! ~ Dave Gorman

When I'm writing columns, it's - all I'm thinking about is jokes, joke, joke, joke, setup, punch line, joke, joke, joke. And I really don't care where it goes. ~ Dave Barry

There's a lot of Dave mania when I speak. ~ Dave Pelzer

Being a grown up was rubbish, Dave decided. ~ Dave Turner

I want to tell my jokes. I want to have time with my children. I want to entertain people. And at one point, I'll walk away from show business. But I don't want to walk away empty-handed. ~ Dave Chappelle

I don't do a lot of political jokes. Too many are getting elected. ~ Bob Hope

Dave gazed at Melanie like Professor Brian Cox eyeing up a particularly thought-provoking mountain range. ~ Dave Turner

I don't do jokes. The characters are my jokes. ~ Jonathan Winters

Success is a pile of failure that you are standing on. ~ Dave Ramsey

I love inside jokes. I hope to be a part of one some day. ~ Michael Scott

We were having tea with my mother-in-law the other day and out of the blue she said, "I've decided I want to be cremated." I said, "Alright, get your coat." ~ Dave Spikey

This is the funniest book I've ever held in my hands.
Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize winning humorist and author says about Radical Sabbatical ~ Dave Barry

To get over artist's block, make shitty art. ~ Dave Horowitz

I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them. ~ Daniel Tosh

Relentless Savage is a great read! Dave Edlund's writing is on par with Clive Cussler and David Baldacci. Can't wait for the next one! ~ Dave Edlund

It wasn't until I became more confident with myself and I put myself forward instead of the jokes; at first it was put the jokes out there and I'm just behind the jokes. ~ Wanda Sykes

I don't approve of political jokes; I have seen too many of them get elected. ~ Jon Stewart

I do notice a lot of people who want to shock to get laughs. It's such a tricky thing; you don't want to make rules about it. There's nobody more hilarious than Dave Attell, and he'd break every rule you set up. But he's funny. ~ Andy Kindler

We loved all the words in your manuscript, but we were wondering if you could maybe put them in a completely different order." Dave Coverly ~ Dave Coverly

You and me have a better time than most can dream of, better than the best. ~ Dave Matthews

Mathematics is a collection of cheap tricks and dirty jokes. ~ Lipman Bers

But a system made secure by the protective plating of humor and pretense always runs the risk of having its protection get out of hand. A relationship based on jokes invites jokes; jokes about anything
and jokes about anything are now and then bound to cut too close to the truth. ~ Ken Kesey

You can write jokes at any point of the day. Jokes are not that hard to write, or they shouldn't be when it is literally your job. ~ John Oliver

For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving. ~ Emo Philips

Louie is hugely talented. But I get very annoyed at the way the media ... say, 'Louis C.K. is the greatest stand-up in the world.' He's not the greatest stand-up in the world. He's not funnier than Dave Attell. ~ Andy Kindler

Jokes are a lot about meaning. I think if we understand what jokes mean and why they work, we'd understand everything else. Genuinely I do. ~ John Lloyd

My life is passed in making bad jokes and seeing them turn into true prophecies. ~ G.K. Chesterton

Sky's weird infinite eyes held Dave. They saw another world, and looking into them Dave caught a glimpse of that world. There was a wealth of knowing in that glance. It challenged everything. Whatever this guy knew Dave wanted to know. Whatever this guy was Dave wanted to be. In that moment Dave switched sides. Oh God, he thought, what do I do now? ~ Jim Morris

I think one artist to another artist, the best compliment you can pay one another, because the part of you that is inspired or creates something, to write a joke or a song, that's like the God-like part of a person. ~ Dave Chappelle

Friend is cullinan diamond, they can not be a second option as boyfriend. ~ Dave

Pop and metal aren't friends. Each knows exactly where the other lives and tries to keep its distance. They choose different streets, neighborhoods, zip codes. ~ Dave Mustaine

But, I still can't totally forgive Dave for blowing my world apart. DO YOU HEAR THAT, DAVE?! ~ K.M. Shea

Brother Frank By: Dave Grix ~ Dave Grix

Unlike knowledge, understanding cannot be taught. It must be achieved. ~ Dave Donovan

Though sleep was dearly needed, it was not welcomed, for even in sleep I was tormented. ~ Dave Moore

Why can't women tell jokes? Because we marry them! ~ Kathy Lette

The Crimean War is one of the bad jokes of history. ~ Philip Guedalla